Tish: I did things with Tad I've never done before.
Priestly: Oh really, like what? Wait for the second date?
Tish: [
Priestly calls Tish] Beach City Grill. Subs by the inch.
Priestly: Code blue. Hostile territory. Aborting mission.
Tish: Who is this?
Priestly: It's your Renaissance Man. I'm at the store, there's too many enemy tampons. I'm bailing.
Tish: Alright, stay focused. Describe the situation.
Priestly: Initial recon appears to be bag or box?
Tish: Box.
Priestly: Box. Roger that.
Tish: Alright, look around chest height. Do you see anything marked regular?
Priestly: Okay, regular. Uh, here's one but it says slender regular. How can something be both slender and regular? Isn't that mutually exclusive?
Tish: Priestly...
Priestly: Unless, of course they're implying in the mysterious underworld of Femboxes that slender is regular.
Tish: Priestly. Are you done?
Priestly: Well, what about the Super Pluses?
Tish: No.
Priestly: Why not? They sound like better.
Tish: Don't. They're huge.
Priestly: I thought you liked huge.
Tish: This is one area where bigger is not better.
Priestly: Yeah, well shouldn't you buy all the protection you can get?
[
looks at the side of the box]
Priestly: I mean, it says here it can handle any amount of- Oh my god!
[
throw the box in disgust]
Tish: Priestly, listen. If a woman needs an emergency dipstick in the ladies room of a sandwich stop.
Priestly: That's nasty.
Tish: She just wants something that's going to hold her over until she can get home and use one of her own. Based on her own style preferences and flow requirement
Priestly: Tish!
Tish: Yeah?
Priestly: That word... flow. Thats nasty. It's gross.
Tish: Just buy the slender regulars.
Priestly: Over and out. Heading back to base camp.
Tish: Roger that. Over and out.
[
hangs up the phone]
Piper: Can I make you a sandwich? The roast turkey is really good!
Zo: Thank you, but I don't eat anything that had a mother.
Piper: Oh, Okay. Um, egg salad then?
Zo: Well, eggs are really a chicken abortion, aren't they? I mean, I support a woman's right to choose, but I don't believe anyone asked the chickens beforehand.
Priestly: Right on!
Jen: Well, actually, since farmers don't keep roosters, the eggs aren't fertilized, so technically you're just eating a byproduct of the hen's menstrual cycle.
Priestly: Well that, that's certainly appetizing, a hen-period-salad, that's lovely.
Zo: [
smiling] I think I'll just stick to the six inch tofurkey.
Priestly: [
to Piper] Who are you?
Piper: Piper.
Priestly: Piper. What are you doing here, Piper?
Piper: I work here.
Priestly: Why wasn't I notified? I wasn't notified!
Trucker: Hey Priestly. We hired someone.
Priestly: Thank you. I swear, we need like a bulletin board or a staff email.
Priestly: [
to Piper] Who are you?
Piper: Piper.
Priestly: Piper. What are you doing here, Piper?
Piper: I work here.
Priestly: Why wasn't I notified? I wasn't notified!
Trucker: Hey, Priestly. We hired someone.
Priestly: Thank you! I swear, we need a bulletin board or a staff email.
Jen: You know, Priestly. Piper thinks Elvis is dead.
Priestly: [
to Trucker] Really? Now, you're hiring people who failed the interview?
Priestly: You're shittin me. Jen, please tell me you didn't leave Fuzzy sitting down there wondering. God damn it Jen.
Jen: I don't expect you to understand.
Priestly: Oh I understand. I understand you wouldn't talk to him cause you were terrified he'd judge you on the basis of your looks, yet you're completely comfortable doing the exact same thing to him. Unbelievable, god!
Priestly: Why is it that some people can't see a good thing when it's standing right in front of them, huh? I mean, what is it that screws all that up? Can you tell me? I swear, you're like 2 year olds. You're more interested in the wrapping paper than what's inside.
Tish: Wait. Are you talking about Jen, or me?
Priestly: If there's a difference, let me know.
Priestly: [
forced accent] Anyone else think that maybe Trucker have some 'spaining to do?
Fuzzy22: Um, I'm Jeff Kenline, by the way.
Jen: It's a pleasure to meet you, Jeff Kenline.
Priestly: Hey dude! Where'd you get that "fuzzy22" name from?
Fuzzy22: Oh, I got that account when I was working on my senior thesis. It was on fuzzy logic, and I was 22. What, did you think I was a cop or something?
[
last lines]
Trucker: We ask you here today in this most sacred and beautiful of places to witness our dedication to each other.
Zo: We start our new lives as we started the last. Naked and needy. Dependent on those we love to care for us.
Priestly: Hell yeah!
Tadd: Congratulations.
Priestly: Rock on, man.
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