Joined: 06 September 2010
Final thread of this FF..
Joined: 06 September 2010
Not many would believe that Arnav would surely appear in a white kurta that too for the funeral of his mother whom he never acknowledged in his life, whom he hated the most that he literally banished himself from his loving life not calling anyone with that endearment. No one could ever believe that he had stayed back with the lady who had given birth to him and left him alone with to suffer without a mother's love. Needless to say his entire being of anger and scorn he has towards anyone was because of his mother but was he so kind enough to forgive her ? Avinash and Anjum couldnt believe themselves as the man who was not ready to visit her during the treatment had stayed with her for 2 weeks till her end?
Arnav who was dressed in pure white kurta noticed Avinash and Anjum watching him with a shock.His blank expressions was giving it more clear to notify them that he is no more the Arnav Singh Raizada who used to torture everyone for his selfish needs. He walked towards them to acknowledge their presence.
Anjum came forward cuppig his face in excitement of seeing him back, agony of his earlier behaviour, sympathy of his lost mother and his true change which she believes he has in him now.
Anjum : Chotte. Why dint you let us know that you were here? We..
Just then the manager entered interfering the conversation while Arnav turned his attention towards him.
Manager : Sir, all set, we can proceed .. I think we dont have much time as its getting dark.
Arnav nodded and followed him while taking Anjum's permission with action. First time he asks her permission to move. That was strange, Avinash could see a small glimmer of hope in him when he saw this gesture. But it was too early to predict a change in him. They followed him to the hall where Manasi's corpse was kept. As per the manager's information Manasi's relatives or even her son didnt manage to reach to see her face for the very last time. Her sins paying back at her.
Arnav's gaze fixed at the pyre while his heart was burning his ego, attitude and the his worst enemy anger inside him same like they burning pyre of his mother's physical self. The moment had brought about all those events where he had really gone out of mind when the anger overpowered him. How stupid was his behaviour how could others surrounding him tolerate so much of his stupidity yet not losing their love for him. He closed his eyes as he saw the ashes falling down the fire indicating the finality of a person's life.Symbolically he too wanted to see within him the ashes of his clouding anger falling off his being which is a beginning of his real life. He had lived a shadowed life clouding with posessiveness, arrogance and anger.
Avinash came behind him when he saw his eyes closed in grief very difficult for him to open and witness the world. Inside himself he too was feeling the pain of the burning of his shadowed self which no one could witness.
After reaching the ashram back after the funeral Avinash had decided to sit with him and clear off his doubts. Though the situation might not be right to talk about his life they had to discuss which otherwise would lead to fatal problems later .Avinash and Anjum who was following him to the room after their shower where he showed them a place to have their seat. They relaxed themselves while he came down and knelt before them sitting on the floor. Shocking as it would sound but it was indeed. A weak faint smile creeped in as he saw Anjum looking at him with a teary eyes..
Arnav held her hands in understanding . Unable to see her controlling the sobs he stood up and hugged her posessively which made her to outbreak her emotions at one go. Avinash was watching with a smiling face as he knew his chote is considering them more close than he had acknowledged them before. After some minutes of acute silence which was sounded by the small snifs and sobs Arnav broke his silence without breaking the hug..
Arnav : ermm. Shall I call u ma?
Anjum was speechless. Her eyes widened which met the eyes of her husband who equally reciprocated her reaction. He nodded to continue talking to him as they needed to get him out of the shell.
Anjum : Have I ever denied u callin me like that? It was you who rebuked my requests.
Arnav : No.. I wont.. Im sorry... but that rebuking was not because you had no right on me but because I feel I was not worthy of it.
Anjum broke his hug to face him with confused expressions.
Arnav: Now leaving apart all those shall I take that liberty for life time by calling you both Ma and Papa?
Avinash hugged him from the side and beat him on his arms playfully for using such complex words between them..
Avinash : You deny, rebuke, bash or hate us.. You are still our younger son.. no matter what others think.
Arnav smiled slowly making Avinash and Anjum clearly jumping in joy at hearts seeing their chote smile which had been a real tough task which only his Khushi could do.
Behind their door a peron dressed in doctor's coat entered the room with a grin on his face.
Doctor : Hey Arnav.. Its time for your yoga.. You can leave them now and move forward.
Arnav : Yes doctor.. Im leaving.. Ma. Papa.just wait till I m back please.
He turned towards the doctor leaving the room with his casuals in hand.
Doctor : Dont worry I will keep them company till u are back.
Arnav smiled at the doctor and left the room while the two people was still confused on what was going on. Arnav calling the person doctor, he had asked him to go for yoga, Arnav leaving them without any proper answers. Doctor Malhotra could easily percieve the questions on their eyes towards him and Arnav . He took the chair beside them seating himself comfortably and extending a hand towards Avinash.
Doctor : Hello Mr. Raizada. Im Dr.Sidarth Malhotra, Psychiatrist. Arnav's jogging friend and his doctor.
Avinash : His doctor? Psychiatrist? But why does he need ? I .. I dont understand..
Doctor : Im here for that Mr. Raizada.. Would you mind to lend me some time to listen patiently what i have to say about him?
Avinash and Anjum stealed glances understanding the confused situation but agreed to listen to him
Doctor : Good.. before you ask me anything.. I would like to say Arnav is under my treatment now. Dont jump into conclusions that your son is not a psycho to get treated and pounce on me for using that word.. Treatment doesnt always mean treating psycho.. I would appreciate if you dwell on the thoughts of what Im going to tell you about Arnav Singh Raizada the kid at heart.
I know him for the past three years as we used to meet during our jogs through the park. It started as an unofficial pleasantry exchange soon turning into a material of my inqusitiveness to increase my psychological references. His anger was always a big flaw which he himself had confessed to me right from the beginning. His silent introvert nature was very much an hindrance to me for understanding him but soon after I realised the real Arnav inside him I began to explore the possibilities and aftermaths of his flaws and insecurities.. From his talks I knew only one person had made a distinguishing mark in his life. Khushi.. That girl had really changed his life his character to some extent but it is though difficult to change the inner strata of your sub conscious mind which was convoluted with hatred using pure love.
Two weeks back Arnav came to my clinic like a beast who is ready to eat up the whole world if he gets the power. The smouldering eyes which would spit fire, his closed fists, crushing jaw bone, supressing anger which had depoisted at the brim of his eye lids in a bright red colour as if falling down in just a knick.I had taken some hours to calm him down after which he broke the dam of confessions and confusions. At the end of his explanations he had only one request put forth towards me.. He wanted me to treat him as he called himself a psychopath who is ready to eat up the whole world with his anger. I was amazed at some point as what had gone into his mind to call himself like that.but that person who had made a real mark on his life, her words clicked the difference. I understood his trauma.. He was on the verge of a panic attack. I consoled him with an assurance that he would be treated and soon all the shackles which was obstructing his way to lead a good life with his Khushi would be destroyed. For that I needed to know his past, present and his thoughts. He did give me some time to explain everything.
After hearing about his past, his childhood, his pain and his sufferings. One important factor which affected him was the pain of lonliness. The fear of not having anything of his own which moved him to posess Khushi as his own like a doll for a small kid. No matter what you bribe them a kid who is so close to a doll would never allow snatching that from hand. Same here where he wanted Khushi to be his own because if he had shared her with you all and the rest of the world the fear of losing her from his undivided attention. Could finally narrow down the reason for his behaviour. I had suggested him the best way to start this treatment which was not theoretically derived in any books. The ultimate cause of his behaviour, the two people who was the reason for his birth who had made his life at this state.. His inner conscience was hating those two. He had to break that layer from him to be free of any heaviness in his heart which was infuriating anger in him. The only solution could be meeting his mother who was the only remaining cause of this situation while the other cause is no more alive.
Avinash looked at him with teary eye who in turn was consoled by Anjum to have strength in hearing out clearly.
Doctor : As per my advice he came here..
A dark room with minimal light to peep in through windows, dim lights, a single cot at the extreme corner where a lady was sleeping with her japmala on her hand. The manager took Arnav inside and carefully opened the window sill to let the brightness inside. The lady who looked in her late 50s rubbing opened her eyes with the sudden flash of light hiting her cornea. She looked pale and thin having believed the fact that she was having some illness Arnav could comprehend the reason for her tired state. His eyes were still glued on the figure who was trying to sit on her couch with the assistance of the manager trying to identify the visitor. As soon as her eyes recognized the personality standing infront her face lit up with an unbounded smile which had depicted as if she had broken off all the chains of her limitations to set free. As natural as it sounds the mother in her immediately gave the strength to get up all of a sudden siding off all her illness and inability to even stand due to the lack fluids in her body. Who would need the fluids if the energy is transported by the heart through the joy of meeting her son her elder son whom she had missed all these years.But she stood on the spot freezing when she realised she had no right to show her happiness or satisfaction of meeting him at this point as she was at the fault of not giving him the attention all these years. Years of disgust for her own actions shrilled through her spine making her weaker and fall on the ground.
Arnav became stiff seeing her sudden enthusiasm looking at him. How could she be so normal while he was suffering in hell here.. His glare could burn anyone standing infront of him.. It had so many questions which were unanswered which had been deposited with the ruins of his past. If he had been given a chance to become ASR again he would have knocked off her in anger and left the place.. but he was here on a certain mission.. A fight against himself. Confronting the real person who was the reason for his horrible state..He need to make her suffer with his piercing questions which was suppressed for many years.
Arnav moved forward towards her with the hot red eyes looking at her head bend down in sham and disgust.. She didn't have the courage to meet his eyes. She was crying terribly with her palms controlling the tears flowing out showing her disgrace.
Arnav : You wanted to meet me right? Here I am ? why the hell did you want me to meet ? To see if Im still alive or I have any retardness ?
Manasi looked at his face nodding a no..
Manasi : I wanted to see you for the one last time to apologise to apologise for the biggest sin of my life of leaving you.
Arnav : Enough of your drama.. You realise your biggest sin after so many years? Uh' too early I must say.. I was waiting for this moment to spat out my questions but the thought of your presence irked me..
Manasi : I know Im not deserving to even stand before you.. I am not justifying my sin but I need to ask an apology atleast for my satisfaction before my death though this apology would no way compensate to the sin I committed.
Arnav :You understand you committed this sin.. Then tell why did you give birth to me?
That sentence broke the dam of tears in her eyes who fell down the ground sitting down. Arnav went on his knees sitting infront of her confronting her eyes with his for answers. Finally after realising it was time for her to face her son which she had expected some time in her life.
Manasi : My situation made me vulnerable. I was not at the age of making decisions in my life. It was infactuated by your father's charm. When he came to my college where I was the Student head of Design department I fell for him. I really liked his aura which spread through every girl in our college. His acquaintances increased as I too realised he had some interest in me. I never thought of going by his way even after knowing his real character of having flings which was a normal practice in his life. But I should admit it was an unfortunate moment in my life losing out myself to that man. Before I could consider myself withdrawing from his web of attraction I was found to be conceived with his child. My family did talk to him on the basis of commitment and long term relationships through marriage.But he wasn't interested nor was I. I was feeling low of not going to surrender my life under him for his arrogance. The teen hormones which had the push of utmost rebellion against anyone coming my way.. The damage was far from my comprehension.. I came to know about the dark fact of my life that I couldn't abort the baby as it would lead to my death. My family who loved me so much couldn't bear to lose me infront of their eyes.. That's when that man entered back in my life putting forth the condition of taking his child in his life setting me free from the ties where I could go and live my life. I was against this condition for quiet a while. How could I get seperated from the small life which was growing in me.. That baby was my flesh, my blood. I tried to object my family agains this. But they were adamant on not leaving me alone with the child as a fatherless child and seeing me as a single mother. They finally changed my mind after several blackmails and threats. I had severe anger against that evil man who had created such a terrific point of turn in my life. I delivered the baby and they took charge of the baby soon after the procedures were done.. He retained his name and fame as a great person who had accepted a child from surrogacy.Meanwhile as promised my family was assured that my name was not let out to anyone. As all of them wished they were happy at their own reasons but I was toiling inside with this guilt. It took me two years to come over this and my family found the best solution to treat me would be my marriage. I got married after that I got into my family life which made myself fall into the life of my own.The pang of leaving my child alone was still creating a threatening guilt especially when I delivered a baby from my legal relationship.. I presumed that my elder baby would be happy with his father enjoying the riches and felt myself contented by looking at my growing child. The conjecture of what that child must have gone through after his father's death didn't even hit my mind.. infact it was hidden behind the mask of making a perfect family for myself. Years after when my son threw away from the house after getting fed up of his worn out mother useless in his house I was on the verge of ending up my life. The Manager here had seen me on the road getting fainted and took me here. After hearing out my state he allowed me to stay here. If I say I never believed in fate would be a understatement. The supposedly called mother who should not be even near the proximity of such a son was indirectly providing me shelter, saving me from the death curse, giving me another life.. I never expected a day where you would do such a kind deed for me. I had wished one day to kill myself if ever I get to meet you as that remorse had killed my heart already. But looking at your face after meeting Avinash bhai and Anjum bhabhi I was emotionally hurled up by affection and a greedy wish of meeting my son. I wished for A left over concern which you could show me even if not you were not ready to hear me.
Her entire confession had turned him to splits.. How much he had gone through the childhood wasn't entirely her fault though. She was a part of it.. He felt himself breaking down the shackles as a result of the entire conversation with his mother.. but what did he do in return . The realisation of how he had behaved with others due to the hurt created by others in his life hit him like a bombshell. The most affected of the one though is Khushi.. He closed eyes in utter revulsion of not having this cleared before he had tortured her. The suppression of his emotions of being called a motherless son, a lucky orphan who had everyone beside him but no one for him alone. There was no one to share his part of grief except for Khushi now he has lost her too. He has intentionally lost her love due to his stupidity.
All these thoughts were interrupted when saw his mother clutching his toes as a not of asking apology.A flabberghasted Arnav took her upwards as he couldn't bear to see his mother clutching his toes for apology.. How could he forgive her? Why shouldnt he forgive her? Who is he to talk about forgiveness as he had done more sins than his mother? His mother left him safe with his father but he had tortured the soul who was through him at all his good and bad times providing support and solace. He immediately made her sit on the cot consoling her. That gesture proved his act of forgiveness. Her biggest punishment was his forgiveness.Though it was not easy for him to accept her entirely there was nothing to lose for him as he is already lost himself in the middle.
Arnav : There is no use of losing your energy for what has already been done. The experience I had during my childhood was something which made me mad, the lonliness killed me. When I used to see everyone posessing their own relations I was envious, a cloud of anger formed in against you and the man who cheated both of us. I felt like isolating myself from everyone for the sake of escaping this madness.The hostel rooms, the ignorance of a father to his son because of his own busy world, my heart was perforated when the impression of not having anyone for me peeped in my heart. I should have taken the remark of my relations lightly and continued to be in good terms with them. Instead something broke inside me which tempted to hate everyone around.Some awkwardness in facing people.. There were exceptions in my life whom I had deep connection within me.. Anjali di ' she could bring out the Arnav in myself but the one realisation of she not being my own sister still hovering around taking me away from her and the family. I ddint want beg for the share of their affection.The hatred turned out to spoil me with the dominance, superiority expecting others to be my slaves. The most demeaning truth was that I didn't have the courage to share with anyone be it my happiness and my sadness. I had not experienced what was heart felt happiness until I met her.
Arnav stopped at that point as he didn't knew why he was confessing all those to his mother.. what happened to him suddenly that he started talking about his life to her? He hadnt talked about this to anyone even Khushi had only known about it scarcely. He was searching for answers within himself while his mother caressed his temple slowly.. He closed eyes in melting affection. He is drowning under the touch of his mother.. Yes.. His mother's touch which he had missed since birth, which he had yearned for when he was in his school looking at his friend's mother loving him. He absorbed that touch to sooth his pain, his vengance, his atroticity that had resulted in shattering of many relations..It was not deliberate but he could feel his tears streaming from the brim towards his cheeks which was clearly noticed by Manasi.. He had spit out all his suppression.. the ones he had held for years, the ones which had caused damaged to his relationship with Khushi even! Manasi could understand his sudden outbreak of his feelings. It was as if he was speaking out his mind for the first time.. She knew he was in deep despair and she had to help him out the way possible. The tears were showing it enough as she had heard abt him that he would never cry. Wiping the tears slowly she started to ask him..
Manasi : You love her so much don't you ?
He opened his eyes in shock.. LOVE? He hadnt used that word till date. His relationship with Khushi was something which he didn't name but it is LOVE the love he feels for only one person in the world..If feeling for someone going away as if tearing the heart and throwing away is called Love then it is .. He is in love with her.
Arnav crosschecked the expressions on her face which had calmed down and a clarity appearing in her. She was smiling through her tears while asking him about her.
Manasi : Khushi loves you much more than you can even think of..
Arnav was surprised to hear about Khushi from her.
Arnav: But how do you know her?
Manasi : She was here last week when you had refused to meet me and left for Paris. Infact after her insistence I agreed to take the treatment. I wouldn't have been able to sit like this if she hadnt insisted to take the treatment. She had promised me that she would bring you to me soon. I cant believe she kept up her word so soon. By the way where is she?
Arnav felt like losing the last strings of control. He broke down within himself that girl had really changed his life.. Why did she love him so much? Why did she give up her happiness for his life? Now she has been the reason for his mother's survival too? He bend down his head keeping it on her lap while she started runnning her hand through his hairs.
Arnav : I have lost my Khushi deliberately all because of damm ego and posessivenes.. Im a bloody jerk and sadist. I ruined her life shattered that pour soul totally..
Manasi was perplexed to hear but as he proceeded with what had happened her fear started increasing. Right from the day he bumped on her till the present day when she left him unable to bear a wounded heart he confessed each and every emotion to his mother. Manasi closed her eyes while the tears formed in her too flowed out in pace. Arnav's had tightened his fist while explaining his each and every moment with Khushi.. All these days he was under the delusion of Khushi was happy in accepting his decisions but the one statement broke the bubble in him.
Manasi : What do you think have you done to your life?
Arnav : I don't know. I don't know any damn reason for what had happened ? If I hadnt met you I would have surely blamed the cause as the agony which was created from the childhood but I understand that it was my own stupidity nothing else.
Manasi : No. I don't think you were the reason for all this. Infact something impressive I have found in you.
Arnav lifted his head and looked at her face.
Arnav: Do you mean to say I am right in hurting her ?
Manasi : If you ask me about the right and wrong I wouldn't be able to make a clear partition but I would tell you both were madly in love with each other. You didn't know how to show your love. So as you had been accustomed to showing your dominance and posessiveness when you got hold of one companion for yourself you started showing your love in the way you knew. She being the kind sould who was ready to bear all the tortures was very well aware that you loved her with such madness. Looking at the practical front you have done more damage not realising the consequences. You said the most affecting factor in your life is her tears, anything that could make a difference in you was her words, something which gave a reality check on your ego was her statement. Her words calling you sadist, egoistic affected you. I agree completely to what she told you.. Im the sole person responsible for your character. If you had my advice and attention I wouldn't have let you hurt her or her family. Now we have seen what she has gone through.. She had sacrificed so much for you.. She was trying to act as a mother for you.. to be in my place to teach you the love.She was succesful in some ways but the plug has been pulled down by that one incident. I m afraid I could see some traces of your father in that selfishness of yours whatever justification you provide to object it. A girl was shedding her moral values and her parents love for you.. You had totally kicked her off with that one word. Why would she come behind your money? You were behind her for your wants and needs. You were using her as a toy getting satisfied with your commands on her.. So you cant blame her for coming behind you. One thing I would really appreciate her.. She is a real emodiment of kindness, patience and love. I think you missed her, she has gone far away from you out of your reach..
Arnav was thinking about all these in himself. There was no one to direct him in his life as his mother is doing now.. when a person commits sin he doesn't realise it soon unless the point where the paying back comes into his life. He bit his lips wondering what he is going to do..
Manasi knew what he is going through..
Manasi : If you would ask me I would suggest you to settle this within yourself, give it sometime, think about your past actions and find yourself in a place where you would fit in. Give some break to your thoughts and come out of the layer which you had created for yourself all these years. I don't have any other option to redeem my sins, I want you to get through this.. I will help you in any way I could to get you out of this shell.
Arnav was pleased to hear her words. He needed time.. He turned back towards the Doctor who was watching him with a smile.
Doctor : I guess I don't need to treat you Arnav.. She is your medicine.. She will treat you.. Be with her for sometime.. You will soon shed this anger of yours which was inbuilt in you but not inborn!
Arnav turned towards her face while he noticed he was kneeling down and holding her hands unknowingly. How can he throw of his mother now ? He felt like born again in this world. Her beautiful smile lit his heart like his Khushi's smile. Manasi could feel a air of affection in his approach. Her hesitance still continued to hang in her words. Gaining much confidence she asked him.
Manasi : I dont deserve to even request you this. but I have a wish.. For once.. Please.. I want to hear you call me ...
Arnav : Ma...
Mansi was over excited in hearing her son calling her Ma.. He had perceived her wish perfectly.. The son whom she abandoned just because of a mistake committed by her was accepting her finally. All these days she had failed to even enquire about the first child she had given birth.. She had no right to expect him to even acknowledge her presence in his life yet he gave the ultimate happiness of a child calling mother with that divine word. She was more happy than she was when she got to hear from her other son who called her Ma during his childhood. She extended her arms only to see her son hug in utmost affection showing her his pain of how he missed this warmth since his birth. This warmth had overpast those emotions which a mother would feel when clutching the new born baby near her chest close to her heart..
Arnav : Ma.. Please dont leave me again Ma..
For the first time he felt the pain.. the hidden emotions gushed out like a broken dam from inside his heart.. The more he had suppressed the more he had gained complexity.. With this one outbreak he had let out all his emotions finding solace in his mother's arms. A sight which was endearing to the eyes. Dr.Malhotra felt emotional seeing the reunion of this mother and son. Blessing in disguise he was able to mediate in this reunion.
Arnav started to stay in Manasi's room enjoying his days with her, little kid pampered by his mother.A long lost relationship taking a new phase after several years. Manasi loved the yearning kid who expects to compensate the years of missing his mother. Both of them loved their company so much that Arnav didn't know when he became so close to his mom. Dr.Malhotra had taken him for some anger management counselling. As a part of his treatment he included yoga which would make him calm him at times of depression. Manasi was noticing a considerable change in him within one week. He didn't think about his office, he forgot about his family, he shed his thoughts about Khushi even. He wanted to concentrate on what he has to do in life. To get back the broken relations seemed to be secondary as he felt his absence would clearly give them some peace.
The whole orphanage was envious seeing the mother son love and care. Arnav started to spend his time by playing cricket and other games with the elders in the home. He soon got gelled with all of them at home. Though they knew him earlier, they were new to his new avatar. Two weeks passed faster.
Last night Manasi had felt a small pain in the chest, she didn't want to wake up her son who was sleeping peacefully besides her in the cot. She tried to sit and look out for water when she felt the sudden pain which made her shreiek.. Arnav jolted from his sleep to catch her who was falling down from the cot. He shouted for assistance from the room when all of them came running. But her eyes already started closing. Her iris began to move up indicating the departure of her soul. She laid down on his arms, on her son's arms for the final time.
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