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Stigma against divorcees - Is it justified? (Page 5)

Shinya IF-Rockerz
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Posted: 26 June 2013 at 4:04pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Skepblun

@Shinya

I wanted members to share their POV on this issue. Issues have been discussed on the forum earlier and many times people share their real life experiences also while posting their arguments.

It is people's choice whether they want to share their personal experience or not.

I am discussing an issue that's frequently raised in this serial also.

It is not intended to hurt anyone. Those who don't want to discuss this can keep out of it.

And please do not dictate me what I should do or not do. Acting as self appointed moderator is against forum rules isn't it?

If mods and DT have problem they can close this thread and I will welcome their decision.

I did not dictate  ... I just brought to your notice that this is a very sensitive issue which I feel should not be discussed on BV forum. 

If someone willingly cites her own example with reference to anandi or jagya, its a different issue.

But if you start a thread solely to discuss a social issue, then a member might be tempted to discuss her personal experience and another one might start contradicting to what she is saying. This is the only reason I said it might offend few members. My intention was not to dictate you, that is not my habit.

You are right, it is upto the mods to keep or close this topic.


Bubi Groupbie
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Posted: 27 June 2013 at 4:15am | IP Logged
People generally condemn things which they fear. So it is with the divorce. People who are in the current marriage usually are the greatest opponents of divorce or relationship with divorced persons. Take the example of parents who are married, and who are almost always opponents to their children being in relationship whit divorced persons. The point is fear of the unknown. That is if you don't have experience in something you do not know what to expect. The fact is that marriage to a divorced person carries more of an issue than a marriage with a person who has not previously had a spouse. If there are children, than it becomes more complicated and demanding. I have nothing against love marriage, regardless of previous experience of your chosen one.
Love is love, inexplicable and blind, but marriage is something much more complicated. In any case, divorced or not, everyone has the right to love.
How much you will be successful in mariage depends on your capacity to understand and the willingness to submit problems. Is it better to be married to a good person who loves you and is divorced, or, for exaple, be in marriage with chronic alcoholic?
All people are the same when it comes to love, the question is what each of us is looking for from life.

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Posted: 27 June 2013 at 8:39am | IP Logged
Good topic Annika.

So glad you brought it up.  

Unfortunately, divorce has a stigma in society that will take many generations to go away.  Most view failure in marriage as a negative and it becomes a case of extremes instead of a more balanced outlook.  The other hindrance that prevents more fair minded people from accepting divorcees is fear of society (log kya kehenge).  

BV deals with social issues and the main protagonist is a self proclaimed samaj sevak, so why wouldn't forum members discuss ills in society which spinoff the episodes we watch.  This is a very valid discussion and the more it is discussed, the better to remove the stigma.  Dialogue is necessary.




Edited by parri814 - 27 June 2013 at 8:47am

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zephyr29 IF-Rockerz
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Posted: 27 June 2013 at 11:32am | IP Logged
This is a much relevant topic in BV's context as we see how 2 individuals married as children break out of those bonds and then struggle with those scars when it comes to new relationships, along with the way society views them. Divorce & Remarriage has been an ongoing theme in the show.
 
Personally I have no problem with friends or relatives who are divorcees and I feel it shouldn't be considered much of a stigma. A relationship/marriage not working out is heart-breaking but  languishing in a dead/abusive relation just because of what society thinks is stupid and extremely harmful to all parties involved. But yes it would be wise, especially in light of a prospective alliance with a divorcee, to know the reasons for the divorce.
 
I think its more in the case of arranged marriages that there is a hesitation to get your children married with someone who has already had a broken marriage. Like someone here said, its mainly a fear of the unknown. You won't know what to expect in a relation like that. And even then we may come across blame-games with each party holding the other responsible. So we won't even know who to believe. So in such situations it is always a wise idea to do your research very well about the boy/girl or their family beforehand. I guess that's what they are trying to show here with Alok asking Khazan his opinion about Jagya.
 
But what I cannot stand is Divorced/widowed guys and families looking for unmarried girls for remarriage! They must be open-minded about accepting others in their same position when it comes to a new marriage. They probably might bring up that issue with Sumi having hopes of Saanchi as a prospective bride for Jagya.
 
 

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Posted: 27 June 2013 at 12:33pm | IP Logged

 I think its more in the case of arranged marriages that there is a hesitation to get your children married with someone who has already had a broken marriage. Like someone here said, its mainly a fear of the unknown. You won't know what to expect in a relation like that. And even then we may come across blame-games with each party holding the other responsible. So we won't even know who to believe. So in such situations it is always a wise idea to do your research very well about the boy/girl or their family beforehand. I guess that's what they are trying to show here with Alok asking Khazan his opinion about Jagya.
 
But what I cannot stand is Divorced/widowed guys and families looking for unmarried girls for remarriage! They must be open-minded about accepting others in their same position when it comes to a new marriage. They probably might bring up that issue with Sumi having hopes of Saanchi as a prospective bride for Jagya.
 
 (The above paragraphs were quoted from zephyr29 but I think I messed up the quoting thing.  Sorry!)

You hit it on the spot zephyr with the last paragraph.  Not sure if you remember, when Sumitra was looking to get Jagya remarried, there was a scene where the matchmaker had said she is looking at divorcee women and Sumitra said "why divorcee?" She specified she would prefer an umarried girl.  

From personal experience as being a divorcee, there are many reasons that I've encountered the stigma. 

1. Until recently, Hindu society didn't believe in divorce - so much so that we borrow the Urdu word Talak instead of having a term in the Hindu vocabulary.  Marriage is supposed to be a 7 Janam thing, if we get divorced, that goes against our religion and the vows we make at the time of marriage making the 7 rounds with Agni Dev as witness. 

2. Society doesn't understand it, therefore fears it.  This is where a lot of the stigma begins.  When my parents were trying to convince me to get remarried, all our relatives would show my parents these elderly men (40+) or have been divorced because they thought I've had my chance at marriage, now it's all about compromise.  I was married for 3 years and had a very abusive marriage.  I finally decided to walk out and get a divorce when he'd beaten me so badly I couldn't walk and he kicked me out of the house in the middle of the night.  Society doesn't want to know or understand these details and bec they can't understand, they  think I'm the bad one for not making my marriage work. 

3. Personally, I feel that if you want to get involved with a person who's divorced, before you do, find out the reason for their divorce and make sure you and your immediate family is ok with it.  Society can say all they want, but from experience, I can count on one hand the number of ppl who came to my defense when I was battered and broken and needed help.  If the divorce was caused bec they couldn't commit or a reason that doesn't make sense to you - maybe you should rethink the whole situation.  But I think above all, you should definitely understand all the reasonings and POV before castin an opinion. 




Edited by SapnaRP - 27 June 2013 at 12:34pm

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zephyr29 IF-Rockerz
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Posted: 27 June 2013 at 2:09pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by SapnaRP


 I think its more in the case of arranged marriages that there is a hesitation to get your children married with someone who has already had a broken marriage. Like someone here said, its mainly a fear of the unknown. You won't know what to expect in a relation like that. And even then we may come across blame-games with each party holding the other responsible. So we won't even know who to believe. So in such situations it is always a wise idea to do your research very well about the boy/girl or their family beforehand. I guess that's what they are trying to show here with Alok asking Khazan his opinion about Jagya.
 
But what I cannot stand is Divorced/widowed guys and families looking for unmarried girls for remarriage! They must be open-minded about accepting others in their same position when it comes to a new marriage. They probably might bring up that issue with Sumi having hopes of Saanchi as a prospective bride for Jagya.
 
 (The above paragraphs were quoted from zephyr29 but I think I messed up the quoting thing.  Sorry!)

You hit it on the spot zephyr with the last paragraph.  Not sure if you remember, when Sumitra was looking to get Jagya remarried, there was a scene where the matchmaker had said she is looking at divorcee women and Sumitra said "why divorcee?" She specified she would prefer an umarried girl.  

From personal experience as being a divorcee, there are many reasons that I've encountered the stigma. 

1. Until recently, Hindu society didn't believe in divorce - so much so that we borrow the Urdu word Talak instead of having a term in the Hindu vocabulary.  Marriage is supposed to be a 7 Janam thing, if we get divorced, that goes against our religion and the vows we make at the time of marriage making the 7 rounds with Agni Dev as witness. 

2. Society doesn't understand it, therefore fears it.  This is where a lot of the stigma begins.  When my parents were trying to convince me to get remarried, all our relatives would show my parents these elderly men (40+) or have been divorced because they thought I've had my chance at marriage, now it's all about compromise.  I was married for 3 years and had a very abusive marriage.  I finally decided to walk out and get a divorce when he'd beaten me so badly I couldn't walk and he kicked me out of the house in the middle of the night.  Society doesn't want to know or understand these details and bec they can't understand, they  think I'm the bad one for not making my marriage work. 

3. Personally, I feel that if you want to get involved with a person who's divorced, before you do, find out the reason for their divorce and make sure you and your immediate family is ok with it.  Society can say all they want, but from experience, I can count on one hand the number of ppl who came to my defense when I was battered and broken and needed help.  If the divorce was caused bec they couldn't commit or a reason that doesn't make sense to you - maybe you should rethink the whole situation.  But I think above all, you should definitely understand all the reasonings and POV before castin an opinion. 


I'm sorry about your experience but it was a very brave thing you did walking out of such an abusive marriage. Not many people do, thinking about how society will react.

I agree. There seems to be this inherent assumption that if anything goes wrong in a marriage its automatically the woman's fault, as the home is the woman's domain and its her responsibility alone to make the relationship work. I guess the guys still have it easier but for a woman its an uphill task to remarry. They showed it here with Anandi making a dream match but how many divorced women can honestly claim such an alliance in real life? Of course those who have a love marriage are exceptions.

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LizBennet IF-Dazzler
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Posted: 27 June 2013 at 10:46pm | IP Logged
Skepblun-excellent post, excellent questions, and excellent discussion. Your posts are an example of what a forum discussions should look like instead of the censorship IF does in it's  juvenile quest to please certain fanbases. It's a shame that a certain someone is trying to moral police you and stem the only sensible topic on this forum that is actually generating a discussion worth substance...which is what I thought this show was suppose to do in the first place, before it was on purpose, and now it's because of their terrible storyline that we raise these interesting questions about our unjust patriarchal society.

To that certain someone: methinks doth protest too much. 




Edited by TheImbecile - 27 June 2013 at 10:46pm

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SapnaRP

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Posted: 28 June 2013 at 1:02am | IP Logged
In arranged marriages it is very understandable for parents to want a fresh slate for their son/daughter who is starting life on a fresh slate too. Simple reason - no matter who was at fault - the divorcee may/will carry some scars and be a little more sceptical and little less optimistic than the fresh party.

For this reason - it is best if a divorced person wanting to start again - finds someone after getting to know them very well. A very good friend of mine married his colleague when she lost her husband of two years in a tragic road accident. She had been very much in love and was devastated when she became a widow - more so -coz her husband's family called her unlucky and disowned her completely. This guy - initially was just a colleague then a friend and finally too involved and had to settle major issues with his own family when he declared he wanted to marry her.

So - yes - parents will have issues with someone whose been there-done that - when their own kid is getting into a marriage for the first time.

That said - I do think all people in life deserve second, third - hell umpteen chances to find that special person and good luck to them too !!

But getting back to the serial - as they showed - Sugna and Anandi put their respective second spouses and their families thru a major wringer a lot of times. Unless the guys are as committed as Shyam and Shiv were - a second marriage may not work out that well.

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