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Marriage problems in jus 3 months

Tamilwife Newbie
Tamilwife
Tamilwife

Joined: 19 April 2013
Posts: 4

Posted: 19 April 2013 at 2:41am | IP Logged
Hi, need help. A city bred educated girl had an arranged marriage a village bred guy working in an IT firm in city now. After 3 months of marriage the the guy was not interested in consummating the marriage. After she expressed her hurt to him, he said he ended more time, but didn't say why. He is an only son over protected by his family. Never left his family even for work.
Finally after much frustration the wife told her parents tat nothing happened between them. Parents were shocked and then told the guys parents too. They were shocked too. They could not ask their son directly so they kept telling they needed grandchildren soon. Now the wife was searching for a job and she didn't want a baby till she found it. She was confident tat she will get a job in a month. After the parents pressured the husband, he finally started reciprocating her feelings. Till tat moment he had not kissed or even hugged her or appreciated her in anyway. She was finally happy her husband was coming near her. Somehow they couldn't close the deal that night. The next day she showed her husband a condom packet which was complimentary she had got frm the honeymoon hotel they had stayed in abroad. She wanted him to use it.
He refused telling if she didn't want a baby he will control himself. She begged him to use it. Somehow he was very insulted by this. He went and told his mom. His mom told his dad and in turn told the wife's parents. All were shocked.
In laws scolded the wife for not being a good girl. Husband insulted wife badly even though she apologized profusely to in laws and husband though she knew she was not at fault. Husband refusing to sleep next to her even and not even look at her. Please advise what the wife needs to do. Wife is sleeping outside in the hall now. She is now living thr coz, her parents r scared of the society if she gets a divorce. She is now completely in the mercy of her in laws and husband. Wat shld the wife do. She has realized tat this man cannot make her happy.

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starsanjanaDexterkilaila

AlwaysHisJaan IF-Dazzler
AlwaysHisJaan
AlwaysHisJaan

Joined: 03 May 2006
Posts: 3732

Posted: 19 April 2013 at 3:27pm | IP Logged
oh gosh. is the wife sure that guy is not gay or has g/f? she needs to find that out.  I don't understand why he made big deal about condoms, something is fishy, I also don't understand why the family is making a big deal about a condom, you don't have sex only to make babies, its also a way of showing love. I would say divorce the guy. she can look after herself, she is well educated. but if the divorce isn't the option then she can take the birth control pills.  the guy seems fishy. I don't have any input except to say divorce the guy since he is not going to make her happy.  did they meet before the marriage how was his personality then?

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Dexterkilaila

Tamilwife Newbie
Tamilwife
Tamilwife

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Posted: 19 April 2013 at 11:55pm | IP Logged
They did meet before the marriage was fixed. But he seemed ok. She could not find anything wrong with him then. But after engagement he never asked her out. When she suggested they go out he was very reluctant, but agreed and went to movie. But he was very quiet and just watched the movie. He does not have a g/f. She thinks he is not gay. She has no idea what his problem is. Is he just being old fashioned? Is she the one who doesn't understand him?

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Dexterkilaila

AlwaysHisJaan IF-Dazzler
AlwaysHisJaan
AlwaysHisJaan

Joined: 03 May 2006
Posts: 3732

Posted: 20 April 2013 at 8:19am | IP Logged
Originally posted by Tamilwife

They did meet before the marriage was fixed. But he seemed ok. She could not find anything wrong with him then. But after engagement he never asked her out. When she suggested they go out he was very reluctant, but agreed and went to movie. But he was very quiet and just watched the movie. He does not have a g/f. She thinks he is not gay. She has no idea what his problem is. Is he just being old fashioned? Is she the one who doesn't understand him?
I don't think he is being old fashioned, I can understand if he wasn't romantic. every man has needs unless there is physically something wrong with him, then maybe he needs to consult a doctor.  but if he made big fiasco regarding the condom then only god knows what he will do if she suggested a doctor.  maybe she can talk to him, does he have friends who are married, what do their wives think of him. sometimes it helps I don't know. this is very unusual case.  is he very religious? maybe he didn't wanted to get married, maybe wanted to be "sant". I don't know, I m sorry I cant help much, either talk to him and find out whats wrong, or just live with it or leave him. 

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Dexterkilaila

Dexterkilaila IF-Sizzlerz
Dexterkilaila
Dexterkilaila

Joined: 16 June 2012
Posts: 18168

Posted: 20 April 2013 at 12:59pm | IP Logged
Bejeeesus!Sex should be between two consenting adults not her parents and his parents and the entire neighborhood! Why are the two even discussing their sex life with their respective parents?! Beats me.

Anyway, if the sole reason for her condom request is to avoid pregnancy, then she can take birth control pills. They're safe with little to no side effects. There are other options available as well like Nuvaring and Minera (IUD). Ask her to see her OB-GYN. 

Generally, men don't like wearing condoms unless they have to, it feels very constricting apparently. However, why the f**k is the guy insulted over her condom request? Makes no sense. If both don't want a baby right now, they need to communicate and settle down on a birth control of choice instead of bickering and telling on each other to their parents. That is a highly ridiculous behavior for adults. 



Dexterkilaila IF-Sizzlerz
Dexterkilaila
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Posted: 20 April 2013 at 1:05pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Tamilwife

They did meet before the marriage was fixed. But he seemed ok. She could not find anything wrong with him then. But after engagement he never asked her out. When she suggested they go out he was very reluctant, but agreed and went to movie. But he was very quiet and just watched the movie. He does not have a g/f. She thinks he is not gay. She has no idea what his problem is. Is he just being old fashioned? Is she the one who doesn't understand him?


Perhaps he has performance anxiety issues? Lots of introverted, shy men do if they are first timers. They need more time. These two need to talk to each other and if they can't talk face to face, ask them to email each other all their feelings about this whole quandary. Communication is  key. She can't know what's in his mind and he can't know what's in her's unless they talk.  And by talk I mean talk to each other, not talk to their respective parents. There are so many means available these days,  face to face, on the phone, emailing, texting, online chatting...whatever means is available...but they really need to hear each other's side on the matter. 
Tamilwife Newbie
Tamilwife
Tamilwife

Joined: 19 April 2013
Posts: 4

Posted: 20 April 2013 at 8:18pm | IP Logged
He has never had an honest conversation with her till date. He always jus likes to play games on his mobile. He only answers questions that too only ones tat r not too personal. He becomes very quiet if anything else is asked. She has sent several emails and text msgs to him coz he doesn't talk face to face. But he always replies he is busy at wrk and will come home and reply but never does. Finally he complained to his mom tat the wife is sending msgs and emails and disturbing him at wrk. He has no time to read her emails too. Even if he reds its a couple of days after it is sent. Even if they have a fight, he runs to his mommy rather than talk it out with his wife. She has no idea what to do.

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Dexterkilaila

starsanjana IF-Rockerz
starsanjana
starsanjana

Joined: 02 December 2012
Posts: 5874

Posted: 20 April 2013 at 8:35pm | IP Logged
hmmm maybe she should try to get his parents on her side so that they will be able to knock some sense in their son

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Dexterkilaila

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