Saras - Kumud OS: The distance between us
"Mom!" When Saras' raised voice boomed through the cacophony of voices of the guests gathered, the entire gathering fell silent. Guman turned to her stepson shocked. Never in 20 years had Saras spoken to her in even a rude tone let alone raise his voice at her. Saras met Guman's gaze steadily as he spoke, his tone though lower, had an unmistakably sharp edge to it, "Mom! I want you to accept the shagun for this alliance from Vidya Kaka." Guman's eyes widened in surprise. Kumud who had been looking elsewhere while her family's honor was dragged in mud because of her, looked up surprised at what Saras said. "Saras.. What are you saying? You were the one who said.." Guman blabbered, stunned at this unexpected twist to her perfect plan of ruining Vidyachatur and his family's honor. "Now I am the one who is asking you to accept that shagun." He paused as he cast a quick glance at Kumud. His gaze locked with Kumud's teary-eyed one and he said, "I will marry Kumud." For a few seconds, everything else faded away and it was just the two of them. A determined Saras and a shocked Kumud and in the distance between them echoed the words that Saras had just spoken, "I will marry Kumud."
"Saras.. Are you.. I mean.. You didn't want to.. So why now?" Guman stuttered and stammered trying to hopelessly come up with some means to deter Saras. How the hell did a guy so into spirituality and devotion, a guy who was determined never to marry change so suddenly? 20 years of her efforts of steering Saras towards the path of renunciation were wasted in less than 20 days of him being in Kumud's company? What kind of magic had she wielded on him? Guman thought angrily. Saras looked away from Kumud and back at his mom. "I haven't ever refused to comply by any of my father's wishes till now. I will not do so now," he stated simply.
So that was what this was all about, Kumud thought morosely. For a second there, she had thought that somewhere, somehow Saras had come to realize that he had feelings for her and that he genuinely wanted to marry her. Why? Just why did she keep hoping for something that would never happen? She looked away, hurt and heart broken yet again.
Saras looked at Kumud again. He had a lot of explaining to do to her. He simply could not stand and watch in the sidelines while his mom insulted and defamed Kumud and her family and that too on his account - especially after how they had all stood by him; especially after the way Kumud had always stood by him. He had to step in before things went out of hand and this was the only way he could think of. He would have to explain things to Kumud; in due time. Right now, he had to make sure no one got any opportunity to malign Kumud or her family, especially not because of him.
He turned to Vidya Kaka. "Vidya Kaka, please start the shagun ceremony," he said smiling. Vidya Kaka kept looking at him shocked and confused. He gave Vidya Kaka a reassuring nod. Vidyachatur looked at Guniyal who looked worriedly at Kumud. What was going on between Saras and Kumud? She knew Saras had rejected Kumud even before he saw her, then how did this change happen? Sending a silent prayer to the Gods above, she went to get the shagun ready.
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"Didi wants to talk to you," Kusum announced standing at his doorstep. Saras turned at the sound of her voice. The truth was, he wanted to talk to Kumud too after whatever happened earlier that evening. The shagun ceremony had happened, albeit slightly awkwardly, but Saras was relieved that it had happened. Now, none of the villagers could point their fingers at Kumud for spending so much time with a guy who wasn't going to marry her. "She is waiting for you next to the pond near the village temple," Kusum said. Saras nodded at her and she left.
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He saw her silhouette as he approached the pond. She was bathed in the serene full moon light; her profile reflecting that inner strength and beauty that defined her. Tendrils of her hair swayed gently in the breeze and Saras stopped in his tracks, just looking at her.. mesmerized by the picture she made. As if she could feel his presence, she turned around and their gazes locked. They both walked towards each other, seemingly drawn by a force more primitive than time. A few feet away from him, she stopped. Unable to bear the intensity in his eyes, she looked away. "You don't have to do this.." she said. Saras was momentarily confused. What was she talking about? Getting no response from him, she continued, "You shouldn't have to marry for your bapu's sake. There is no point in a marriage if you don't have your heart and soul in it." The lump in her throat seemed to being growing to the point of choking her out of breath. Afraid she would break down, Kumud turned away.
"I'd promised my mother that I would always listen to my father," Saras spoke softly. Kumud shut her eyes. He was only fulfilling his obligation to his mother; not for a minute should she hope for anything otherwise. Somewhere within her, anger flared too. How could he just assume that she would be happy with such a marriage of convenience? He had stated very clearly in his letter that he could never love anyone.. How could he decide on his own to tie both of them into a loveless marriage? She was about to give him a scathing reply when he spoke up again. "And.. After all that you and your family have done for me.. I just couldn't stand there and listen to my mom insulting you," he confessed.
Kumud turned at that. Did that mean he cared? For her family? And maybe for her? Of course he cared! her heart told her. Why else would he do so much for her family, from saving her father to the prayaschit to even going to jail? But was it care or a distorted sense of gratitude or responsibility that was prompting him to say yes to this marriage? her brain posed the question softly. Kumud looked away again. "How could you say yes to the marriage without knowing whether I wanted to go ahead with this marriage or not? What do you think I am? A puppet? You send the proposal when you feel like, send a letter saying you can't marry me when you feel like and now.. Now you say you'll marry me because of some twisted sense of gratitude or responsibility that you have towards my family and me? Mr. Saraswatichandra.. Let me remind you, I am not a toy of yours that you play with when you want to and throw away when you don't want me.. I don't need any of your favors!" she said, anger and hurt coursing through her.
Saras stood exasperated. For once, why couldn't she try to understand why he did what he did? "Toy?! Favor?!" he asked, feeling highly insulted. He reached over, grabbed her upper arm and turned her forcefully towards him. "What else?! The great Mr. Saraswatichandra is doing such a magnanimous favor on me by agreeing to marry me and saving my family's honor and mine, isn't it? Agreeing to a loveless marriage.. When there is absolutely nothing between us.." Kumud bit out as she struggled to free herself from his hold. "There is nothing between us?" Saras asked from between clenched teeth, barely suppressed fury blazing in his eyes, scorching her soul with its intensity. "If there is nothing between us, then what has you rushing to my side whenever I am upset, hurt or in trouble? What is it that hurts me whenever these eyes of yours fill with tears? Why can't I see you in pain even when there is nothing between us? Why do I always find myself thinking about you when all I want to do is stay away from you? Why do you always fight for me, stand up for me when all I have ever given you is pain if there is nothing between us? If there is nothing between us, then what is it that undeniably draws us to each other again and again when all we keep saying is about getting out of each others' lives?"
His fingers were digging painfully into her arms where he held her but more than her own pain, Kumud was affected by the turmoil she saw in Saras' eyes. The questions he had asked were the same she had asked herself a million times but had found no answers to. They kept telling each other that there was nothing between them but were just as aware of the fact that there was something between them. Something neither of them understood yet bound them together like an invisible thread.
Saras had so much going on within him that he did not understand. His whole world had turned upside down from that moment he'd seen her walk toward him on the web cam; from that fateful moment when he had heard the chiming of her challa in tune with her step. Nothing, just nothing had been the same since that first time he had heard her voice. He hadn't been the same since he had laid eyes on her for the first time. And yet.. Despite the chaos she brought into his well-sorted life he found himself wanting her. Without any conscious thought, his hand reached out to her bare waist and he pulled her towards him forcefully. He barely gave her time to react to his touch before his lips descended on hers and captured her lips in a burning hot, soul-searing kiss. Her hands came up to his chest to try to push him away but in vain. As he pressed her closer to him and threaded his fingers through her hair to deepen the kiss, he was faintly aware of her hands now bunching into fists in his shirtfront, clinging onto him than pushing him away in helpless abandon.
And it was in that one instant when their lips met and Kumud gave in that Saras had the realization of his life - he was in love.. He was in love with Kumud. All his confusions, all his incomprehensible emotions and feelings now stared at him with stark clarity. He was in love with this woman he hadn't even see the face of before rejecting; who never failed to bring out the worst in him yet stood by him through his toughest times; who'd turned his world upside down and inside out from the moment she'd stepped into it but around whom he had started to center all his thoughts and actions. It was this same woman he had an undeniable urge to have with him all the time, to have in his arms all the time, to love with a passion he did not know he was capable of and had the blood singing in his veins. This same woman whose absence made the world around him feel absolutely empty. This same woman who could drive him crazy with her stubbornness and crazy with desire. The same woman who was a fiery tempest but evoked such primal protective and possessive instincts in him that were incomprehensible to his otherwise calm and serene persona. He was in love with her.. a kind of blinding, all consuming love that emanated from the deepest recesses of his soul and spread through him like the blood in his veins, like the air he breathed, like the rhythm of his beating heart that kept him alive.
The realization shocked him but more than that he felt relaxed. He should have been worried about the storm that was coming but he felt as if the storm had passed. The forcefulness of the kiss stemming from his anger was now replaced by his passionate desire and love for her. His painful hold on her loosened to be replaced by tender caresses instead.
Looking back later, Kumud would try to appease her ego by thinking she resisted him for as long as she could. But the truth was, the moment he touched her, that fleeting moment when his breath caressed her lips before his lips did, her whole world had gone for a toss.. like she had just been flung over a precipice and realized that she could fly. Everything else faded into oblivion as she felt herself melt against him. Layer by layer, wall by wall, their egos - their misunderstandings, their hurt, their pain - everything stripped away to be replaced only by the enchantment of the moment; the awareness of each and every sensation that coursed through them as Saras tried to convey through his actions what he never could seem to tell her in words and Kumud responded with equal fervor what her ego had never permitted her to confess in words to him.
Long moments later, he pulled away from the kiss to rest his forehead against hers. Her eyes were closed, her breathing rushed, her cheeks were stained a deep red and her lips were swollen and trembling from his kiss. He caressed her cheek with the back of his hand, her sharp, indrawn breath encouraging him as he continued down her neck to her shoulder and down her arm where she intertwined her fingers with his.
Kumud opened her eyes very slowly.. languorous with the sensations he had evoked in her. It was when their eyes met that reality struck both of them. They were in an intimate embrace, had just kissed for the first time and were yet to have one proper conversation without fighting with each other. While Saras was trying to find something appropriate to say, Kumud was shocked and embarrassed to the core. Detangling herself from his embrace, she tried to run away from him. He caught hold of her arm and effortlessly stopped her. Kumud refused to look at him or she would have seen the smile of realization and acceptance playing on his face.
It was time for the truth, the absolute truth, Saras decided. He loved her and he owed her the truth. "I never answered your question," he said softly. Despite her acute embarrassment at what had happened between them just a few moments ago, Kumud could not help but look at Saras questioningly. The smile of contentment on his face made her blush harder and she looked away. "You asked me why I said no to you.." Saras continued. The reminder came as a piercing pain in her heart. Oh God! What had she done? She had just shared her first kiss with a man who had rejected her and now had agreed to marry her just out of gratitude. She struggled to free her hand as guilt, remorse and fury at her lack of discretion washed over her but Saras did not let go. "I thought I could never love anyone. My mother had loved my father all her life.. had devoted and built her entire life around him but all she got in return was betrayal. My mother committed suicide because she couldn't stand my father's betrayal. All my life, I grew up with the pain of knowing that my mother's love went unrecognized, unrequited. I had lost faith in love, in the bonds of marriage, especially after my father remarried. He had no place even for my mother's memories in his life anymore. What was the purpose of love or marriage if you couldn't be loyal to each other, not even to your memories?" Saras' eyes filled with tears as he laid bare the greatest pain of his life.
"My father never understood my mother.. Nor has he ever understood me.. So when he announced that he was fixing my marriage with a girl of his choice.. I knew I couldn't go through with it.." The pain in Saras' eyes tore at Kumud's heart. "I never intended to hurt you or your family Kumud.. I was just as surprised by this decision as you would have been when you first got to know. When I talked to you, I felt I owed it to you and your family to rectify the mistake my dad had made. My only reason for saying a no was that I thought I could never love anyone after what I had seen happen to my mother. I didn't want to tie you to a loveless marriage, burden you with the pain that I was destined to carry for life for no fault of yours.." he confessed. "But now.." he paused as his teary eyes searched hers to decipher what she was thinking. Kumud's heart thudded painfully against her ribs as she waited to hear what he was about to say. "Now?" she asked softly. "After what just happened.. Do you really need me to say what has changed?" he asked, a teasing glimmer in his eyes despite the tears clouding them. Kumud blushed and looked away. A few seconds later, she looked back at him and slowly came closer to him. Saras had let go of her hand and she placed her palms on his cheeks, framing his face. She got on tiptoe and gently kissed away the moisture that had gathered in his eyes. Surprised at her own boldness, she blushed deeply before she turned and ran away from him as fast as she could. Saras watched her receding figure with a slight smile on his face. Of all the women in the world, he had to fall in love with Ms. Spitfire Kumud Sundari.. He shook his head and looked up at the clear star studded sky above. "Maa.. I think you've got yourself a tezz dhaar bahu," he said smiling.
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