Chapter 24: Dichotomy
She fell into a dreamless sleep in wee hours of morning when
there was nothing left to ponder, all her memories splashed around her remnants
of war and her emotions draining out energy. Words had tumbled out of the
constraints of her heart for prolonged part of the night as she spoke freely,
and willingly. She didn't know how much Payal and Lavanya understood what she
was talking about but they hadn't gone against the current and had just let her
be.
Morning had come clawing through
"Khushi, are you awake?" Garima said coming in to the room.
Khushi twisted around and settled on her back when she felt her back muscles
were loosened enough.
"I am now," she rasped. "What time is it?" She said groggily
and squint her eyes at the sliver of light escaping curtains' window.
"It's half past eleven…almost noon," Garima said sitting by
the foot of her bed. "Payal asked me not to wake you up," she added.
Khushi grunted and opened her eyes fully. "What is that in
your hand?" She asked seeing an envelope in Garima's hand.
"Arnav's driver came by just now and asked me to give it to
you." Khushi sat up in one fluid motion when she heard his name and snatched
the envelope from her mother's hands. "I will…come back later," Garima said
leaving Khushi alone with her thoughts and a broken present.
Her hands trembled when she opened the envelope scared of
what she could find there. But a word, any word from him at this point would be
an almost blessing. It was hand written letter, two pages long and the
steadiness in his penmanship tormented her stomach. She settled her back on the
headboard and ran her fingers over the letter. He felt so close, so near to her
then.
Dear Khushi, the
letter started.
"The certainty of the
two of us being together has always been a physical one – like etched in a
stone and sealed by several people. Everything that we went through when we
were young was like a vetting process to decide if we could endure what fate
had in store for us. When second set of despair dawned upon us, we failed
spectacularly as individuals and as a couple. I now wish I had practiced apathy
to walk in the side lines and observe as the things gush along the main street.
But it wasn't so; I was fully part of gushing process where I was led, misled
and thrown around by moral righteousness and self-proclaimed upright judgmental
proclivity. The equation was so gloriously unbalanced yet none took notice of
it or even deemed it important. Wasn't it puerile and nave to think that the
said equation would go unnoticed forever? It wouldn't have and it didn't. I was
there, always there, but in the grand scheme of things, I was an unimportant
player. I know you and di would claim otherwise: that I was so important to the
two of you that I shouldn't be bothered with the truth. Was it to protect me
from an unknown evil? Or was it to protect me from the impending hurt and
suffering? I know it was all three and probably some more, but do you know what
it finally had me reduced to? No, you have no f**king idea what your decision
has cost me." Khushi let out a guttural sound that was carried through
thick constraint around her throat. Her stomach revolted violently when bouts
of disappointment gurgled. She was disappointed at her failure to recognize
practicality and delved into a dark pit of unproven theories and hypothesis
which in the end had messed up everything she once touched - including him.
"For the last seven
years there was only one thing that ran in the back of my mind: where had I gone
wrong? There must have been something I did or said which made you bolt. I
searched through labyrinthine mind of mine and always came up empty handed. And
then I wondered if it was something to do with me – there should have been
something about my persona which got you to leave and I spent hours dissecting
my character. What was it Khushi? My slow decision making process? Was it my
anal retentiveness when it came to clarity of words? I don't know. I still don't
get it even after you spelled it out for me last night. It was hard to digest,
you know? So I cornered di when she came home last night and she told me what
you two spoke about after I left. Once she finished talking I went to terrace
and lay down their looking at the stars; the loneliness I felt at the moment
was enough to consume me in its womb and hide me there forever. I have never
felt this alone Khushi – not when my mom died nor when you left. Now…I just don't
know what one is thinking or what is one intending to do. After you left I started
second guessing my own decision, weighed my words more than necessary, looked over
my shoulder all the time and kept wondering what my mistake was. When you were
thinking about 'What Ifs', I was thinking about 'What did I do'. You knew the genesis
of chaos and knew the exact places where changes could be made if you were
given a chance. But I was left in middle of chaos blindfolded and had to fight
demons with my bare hand. How is this fair Khushi? How fair were you in
deciding my fate?"
The paper fell from her hand as his words morphed into
spears and pricked her skin deeply. She could feel the metal deep in her bone,
twisting, clenching and shearing everything around it to rotting carcass. The letter
was all about him and her and everything he hadn't spoken till now. It had
always been her talking about her trauma; she had relentlessly spoken about her
troubles, her suffering and Arnav had partaken in those conversations and held
her in her breakdowns. And when Arnav had his moment of crisis, he wasn't in
front of her to tell her exactly what she felt. She felt robbed, cheated even
when he chose not even to look at her when he expressed his despair.
Rocks settled in her stomach when she realized to her horror
where this monologue was going. Hoping to be proved wrong, she picked up the
second sheet.
"I have been thinking
about fate and destiny since last night, you know? I mean there has to be some
other reasons for what people do than the most obvious probability of – they can.
If this is my fate, no, if this is our fate, then the one who is writing our
fate must be very cruel. It is stupid to believe that pain makes one stronger. No,
it breaks a person down more and more and they get disintegrated with passing
time. And then one would arrive at a point where there is nothing else to lose,
nothing else to believe in and there is definitely no one to trust. What would
one do then? Does one escape from everything familiar till they try to reinvent
themselves in a distant land? Or they would prefer solace in some other world? My
mother chose the latter and look how that turned out for me. You chose the former
and look where we are. Here we are Khushi at a point where I cannot go back and
undo first decade of our lives together, I cannot not love you but the past
seven years has made me so weary and so…unlike me that I am stuck in dichotomy."
She didn't have any tears left. She did regret her decision but it was too late
to run and convince him.
"I bid you good bye
with this letter Khushi. I am partly following what you did once – not for
anyone else but for me and me alone; we differ in that way. I am not going away
permanently but just for a time till my heart simmer down and I am able to
breathe without feeling anguish or pain. I have to discover the part of me
which dissolved into nothingness when you left. I want to be the man I once was
not a poor shadow of him. Till then, I wish to be my own company. I don't know
where I am going but am hoping this stupid f**king fate would take care of it
soon. Please don't try to find me. Please don't try to contact me. Please allow
me to be. I will be back one day, probably in a month or two; till then, be
well."
She clutched the letter to hear chest and heaved. There were
no words left. There were no tears left. All she could do now was – wait. She would
read the letter when all the emotions she was now feeling left her body. She
would wait for him to come back. She would wait for him to find out everything
he had once lost.
She would wait for him. Yes,
she will.
There it is! Arnav's point of view.
Have a great week everyone! Meet you all with new update after a week.
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