Joined: 06 September 2012
I felt so dizzy after working 24hr at a stretch'Notes, charts, X-rays, blood counts lied strewn in front of me...I wrote forms for next day, I made notes, I scribble do's and I followed up on reports which aren't back yet '.It's 8, I should be home by now but here I am still nailing every blood count '
My phone ring, it's an emergency "Case of placental disruption" duty nurse mutter on other end 'I move fast as my weak body ache, I feel as vulnerable and powerless as these patients around me'.but still I move as fast as I could.
My white coat flaps as a cold wind gush through me, I see a man in his late 30's standing bowing his head as low as he could , Instantly I recognize fear, so raw and alive lingering in his eyes , it is kind of fear which erupt when you realize you are going to lose someone very special to you '
"Where is our Anesthetic, Dr Seema?" I ask duty nurse collecting reports '
"She is already here ..."
I walk towards OT as I change into scrubs
Heavily pregnant woman lay on OT table, her ultra sound and other reports shows that baby nestling somewhere lower in uterus. I see through her closed eyes lids that injected anesthesia has taken full toll on her exhausted body, My hands move swiftly as I make vertical incision on her lower abdomen ' after suctioning out amniotic fluid, smoothly I carry the little one from his nest, The baby, it's a boy...so huge, so beautiful, his skin is so fragile, so delicate, his heart beat sound like a butterfly fluttering its wings..I turn him over as I rub my palm over his back, as if he was waiting for me to wake him to this world...he cry , loudly'lusting for life , he cry ..The boy...Healthy little boy cry!
"Cherophobia ", Phobia of happiness ...I wondered, maybe I suffer from this disorder. Because whenever happiness knock on my door, Along with all excitement and a part of me crave to go back to normal self and when I am living low, I crave for happiness...It is as if I never get satisfied with what I feel...as if there something, a part of me which can never be satisfied ...
I lived, most of my life on instincts and it never failed me.. At first When Rohan started ignoring me, my instinct told me something is not right ..When he started giving excuses whenever I called him to meet up again my instinct screamed at me that something is wrong..Unfamiliar scent on his shirt , dreamy look on his face 'Those emergency calls in between our dates , the long hours on those phone calls convincing his "clients" my instincts cried in agony that something is not right '.
Still I ignored, ignored all his weird behavior convincing myself that it is just passing phase, and everything will be perfectly fine. ..How foolish I was! Was I ignorant or plain stupid to realize that my long term boyfriend was cheating on me'!
That morning, just a week back, when I sat in my cabin listening to my patient, how she lost her mother and how she felt. I received Rohan's message " I think , we should take a break"..When I first read, it did not made any sense, when I reread it ..it all sounded foreign but when I read it for 3rd time , realization dawned on me, I did not reacted 'I imagined this scene so many times , I knew this is coming 'my instinct always guarded me , cautioned me but when it came aftermath was not like I imagined 'I did not cried nor howled in agony , I did not begged him to rethink his decision nor I cursed and bashed him till my throat blasted like fire balls 'Instead I just sat there , switching off my mobile ..Listening to my patient, how she lost her mother and how she felt losing her mother 'to be precise how she felt this "loss "
After making sure that mother and new born is safely shifted to general ward, I moved towards cafeteria for cup of tea 'The joy on that father's face , the gratitude for saving his wife and son made me feel happy , I wondered did my baba ever felt like this ? Did he felt happy, elated when I came to this world? It is question which can never be answered though
As I moved towards Cafeteria, I felt familiar pat on my back, I smiled when I found Armaan holding a cup of tea " Heard you got busy with another OT 'hectic day huh?"
I slumped on nearby chair rubbing by temples '.
"Stockholm syndrome '' one of PG student prepared case study on this topic, he presented it to us in all India medical conference 'very interesting indeed!" Arman muttered taking his tea cup'
"What's it about ..?" I asked sipping my tea
"Psychological syndrome where hostage shows sympathy, loyalty or even voluntary compliance with the hostage taker, regardless of the risk in which the hostage has been placed'."Arman replied smilingly '
"That's weird '!"
" yes , weird '.Then how did it go ? your OT '.?"
"It went well ...Case of placental disruption, But I managed to pull him out on time 'it's a boy, bony little boy "I smiled
"You love kids 'why don't you get married and start making your own?" Arman chuckled
"Shut up Arman ...I am off for now, long day tomorrow again "I walked towards my cabin, I walked away as soon as I could, to go away from him, from his questions and curious glances ..I know Arman, he know me too well now..After working for years together, he can read all those hidden expressions of my face..
I walked away before he could get chance to see my change in expression, It is my way to shut the topic and go back to my normal self ...it is my way to close all the doors of memories which are broken and rotting in deep self of mine ...
I sighed as I clutched tightly on the door handle, something in me snapped open as my eyes fixed on the person, the person who is sitting in my cabin ' I thought she was gone forever, forever from my life but here she is 'standing as her smiling eyes stared back at me ' my legs moved instantly towards her, I wondered whether this is some crude trick of my overstressed brain..Am I hallucinating or it is for real .Before I could think anything more , she came running to my arms as I enveloped her in warm embrace and murmured " Nidhi"'.!
Why I could not hate Rohan after all this? It's still a mystery to me'I wondered late at night, collecting memories ,slipping engagement ring out of my finger, keeping all the gifts which I collected , treasured in small wooden box of mine 'I wondered !
At first, our relationship was something I always dreamed about .it was fun, adventurous and full of dreams 'Life was fun with Rohan, being exceptionally handsome and full of charm, girls found it hard not to fall for him and even I was not an exception'
He is born charmer, he perfectly know, what to do and what to say when girl walk with sober look 'he know what sort of jokes to crack when someone sit with sullen face '
When he asked me out for the first time, it was hard not to say no but it does not mean that I said "yes' because I loved him 'those days , falling in love sounded so deep and out of reach to us 'Going out for date was normal and that too with Rohan sounded like a dream to me'
What first started as fun soon turned out serious when our parents started talking about getting us married 'I was fine with that , maybe I was happy too ' After years of dating, I am not sure what I perfectly felt for Rohan nor about our relationship .By the time our relationship took full turn towards marriage , I sensed we are drifting far away from each other '
It was not first time but from the beginning our opinion differed, He liked to eat sushi but I preferred pizza, he want to go for sky diving but I want to go for scuba diving. he like nirvana but I found it too loud and boring 'I liked Ghalib but he found him depressing , we fought a lot ,argued but still we never once decided to end this relationship '.I thought he is fine with what I am and he loved me. I thought one day we are going to set our home and live happily ever after but I was wrong, so wrong 'Now sitting here I feel all those years I was living in an illusion , an illusion which is stronger than reality'
When Rohan declared he want to "take It easy", well that's what he said over phone , he don't want to rush things in jet speed and he need some time to consider our relationship 'I wanted to laugh it off and shout at him " stop joking around" but I knew he was not so I kept my mum ..And the days which followed after the declaration look so dazed and confusing, I wanted to go somewhere else away from him and start all over again...
But why I came here out of all places? I don't know 'may be I wanted to start from something, with someone who is familiar to me...who know me too well and I don't have to explain anything in return ..but Now sitting here, far away from Rohan...for the first time my mind is thinking beyond him , I am able to see what went wrong and where it went wrong 'I turned around as door clicked open and there he stood , his eyes twinkled and joy spreaded over his face '
Instantly my legs lead me towards him, towards Ashuthosh...he took me in bear hug as I I slumped in his arms inhaling familiar scent of him, familiar scent of my Childhood and of those days where life was simple and full of hopes '.
Joined: 25 June 2012
Joined: 06 September 2012
Joined: 05 June 2012
Joined: 25 January 2012
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Joined: 06 September 2012
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