UNSOUGHT
LOVE
Her
mind was still pondering over the quote that she had heard on the
radio while driving back earlier in the evening. Retiring to bed
after completing domestic chores, she took off her comfy slippers to
quickly adjust herself in a cozy blanket and fixed the pillow to rest
her back comfortably. She then turned to the drawer right next to her
bed pulling out a black diary along with a silver writing utensil to
inscribe her journal like she always had. She would often share her
thoughts with her personal diary; not on daily basis but every now
and then. She turned to the new page jotting down the basics such as
the day, date, and the time of entry and then took a small pause
wondering what to account for today's journal till the sight in front
of her caught her attention. A soft smile crept across her face and
instead of taking the usual route of writing her thoughts down, she
chose to revisit some of the journals of the past leading up to the
very present moment that her eyes were witnessing while her fingers
automatically reverted back some pages.
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Journal
# 1 - Thursday - March 8, 2012 ' 10:30 PM
They
say "It always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun"
and hearing this quote, I would always think of those who are poor,
homeless, malnourished, and had to beg for even the basic necessities
of life. I, fortunately, never found myself in that position; I was
never poor, homeless, malnourished, in fact I had it all!! Yes I had
it all sans the emotional necessities of life; grew up in a huge
mansion where nobody seemed to find a time on their watch to sit
together as a family, was financially secured by my parents who
thought they were expressing their love by showering me with
expensive gifts, had relishing meals throughout the day but with no
one else to share a conversation on the dinner table! What do you
call one who has always been deprived of love, care, attention, and
that too from their own parents - Poor or simply ill fated? I always
longed for my mother to hold me in her embrace, to pick and drop me
from school, my father to teach me cycling as a kid, and all of those
"normal" things that all kids of my age then did with their
parents but how would they? They were too occupied with their lives
and its affairs and when they were not busy with their meetings and
social parties, they would be busy fighting with each other! It began
to seem as if all of it was my fault, as if I somehow deserved this
as a punishment for something I did or didn't do! Amidst all this, I
had some hope somewhere down in my heart that things will get better,
if not for me at least for my parents, but obviously it didn't take
them long enough to shatter that hope of mine as they presented me
with their divorce papers few days after my 18th birthday.
And what followed afterwards was even better- both of them arguing
and telling each other to take me in post separation; I came to their
rescue and saved them the trouble by announcing that I would be
moving out and living on my own.
I
still vividly remember the day I arrived in LA for my post-secondary
education few months after living alone back home post 18th
birthday and today marks my last day of the four years I had been
living in this city for. These last three delusional years of
my life have been nothing but years of memories I shared with him-
the one who I met an year after arriving into this city. It took me a
while to get accustomed to the city, its culture, and its people; I
took initiative to get to know people near my surroundings and tested
the waters to find the right ones. I was advancing that search to
find a"friend", to find a circle to belong to, to fit myself to
not feel like a loner and just commence a new life altogether. Then,
I did meet the one I had been looking for, what started as a
friendship had slowly developed into something that I cannot describe
in words; over these last three years, for me, he became everything-
from a friend to that special someone who made me feel loved. After
facing constant disappointment from our close relationships and from
the ones we expect, we often begin to seek those relationships, those
emotions, in faces of others who give us that love and importance,
and perhaps this was the case with me. For me that emotion had always
been "love", which I had always longed for and suddenly when I
was exposed to such love and sense of belonging, I had embraced it
with open arms. Love has no reference point because love is not
comparable but for me love really had no reference point because I
had none to begin with; for me it was what I felt and saw through his
eyes! Be it love of parents, a friend, a romantic partner- love is
love! I never knew how it feels to be loved, how it feels to see that
your presence in someone else's life matters to them, how it feels to
be embraced, and much more and I probably hadn't if it wasn't for
him! For me, He became everything that I had always expected and
sought for, everything BUT that...!!!
These
past three years I had been living in a world of "dreams", which
fortunately or unfortunately shattered today showing me the real
image in the mirror of "LIFE"! Its rightfully said that "make
friends, but don't build your life on them alone, its an unstable
foundation" and this is where I went wrong! It became so easy for
me over the years to surround myself and my world around him; I had
nobody else but him- I began to see the world through his eyes, his
friends became mine, and I gave in my 100% to our "relationship"
because I never got that 100% from ones I had expected from. I had
build my life around him; for me he was my everything but for him, I
had always been what we he wanted me to be- just his "girlfriend"!!!!
Today,
as I sit here writing this journal controlling my tears and engulfing
my abdomen with left arm, I can't help but question myself and
question my definition of love! Can love ever be wrong? If that
wasn't love, then what was it? Perhaps it was me who expected more
and perhaps "desperate" would be the right choice of word to
explain what I did; I was desperately seeking that love, that
attention, and when I did, I welcomed it without contemplating it
even further. Perhaps I gave in too much, too quickly, and that too
to a wrong person? Are three years not enough to know someone? If it
wasn't love what I saw in his eyes for me, then what was it? If that
wasn't love what I saw in his eyes on that night few weeks
ago, then what was it? The night that I could never forget, that
night when I was showered with his love, the night when I felt myself
most comfortable laying in his arms as he stroked my hair. Thinking
of that night, I could still sense his touch, his lips slowly
trailing down my face planting kisses, and warmth of his tight
embrace. That was the night when our souls intertwined captivating
one another and united becoming one. It had felt so right and his
loving gaze had affirmed the same; we laid there holding each other
tightly reeling in all the emotions awaiting the sunrise welcoming us
as "one".
"Regret"
had not crossed my mind even once and his behaviour following that
night had not alluded any such thing either except...well
today...today when I revealed the news to him! I was
initially apprehensive when I learnt the truth myself; however, just
the thought of him standing tall next to me holding my hand had
instantly eradicated that fear. But my delusional world shattered
hearing his fierce voice and tormenting words shortly after I had
disclosed the reasons behind my uneasiness and sickness from the past
few days!
"How
can you do this to me?!! We talked about this before and you know me
damn well...I don't want anything to do with this! Listen to me
carefully... its still not too late, get rid of "it"!!! Don't
let that one "mistake" ruin your entire life and If you really
want to do this, let me tell you, you will be on your own! I won't be
a part of it!!!
"But...its
our..."
"Don't
be an emotional fool,.it happens, no big deal!! Get over it! Shit!!
We shouldn't have done this!"
After
sitting in the dark and crying endlessly for the last few hours, I
have managed to emotionally gather myself and think this through;
obviously I was not prepared for this either but I did not regret any
of it knowing that we would somehow work this out but
alas...
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JOURNAL
# 2- Sunday, March 11, 2012 ' 9:00 PM
And
here I am, in the new city- A city that never sleeps- and the
view I capture through my eyes from the window of new apartment
building, disambiguates that definition; one can easily lose track of
time engrossed envisioning what lays in the front of them. Sitting
here on the couch by the window after a long day of moving in and
sipping a hot cup of coffee almost made me forget everything that
happened in the last few days till I mentally recalled the reason of
my presence here in the new apartment, in the new city!! After much
contemplation, I decided I needed to do this, it is now or never!! He
had not returned after that day and all my efforts to contact him
went to vain; his absence was an implicit message of him not wanting
to be there for me, for us!!!! After spending the last few
years in a world that I now know did not really belong to me, now is
the time for me to re-discover myself, my strengths, my abilities, to
make my own world with a "new" me!!! More than me, It is about
the little one who does not deserve to go through all of this;
I just don't have the heart to leave this little one on its own in
this world to endure what I did as a child. I can't really forget the
past, especially not after having this little one serving a constant
reminder of that; however, I need to initiate a step further towards
my future...our future- for someone that I can proudly call my
"own", someone that would motivate and challenge me to make it
all work!!! A new day, a new life awaits...us!!!!
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JOURNAL
# 3- Monday, April 9 , 2012 ' 9:30 PM
Its
been almost a month now for us in this new city; time is going
on its own pace and life...well...that is also going along with
it but emotionally I stand still. Moving on and letting go is not
easy, but it is definitely less painful than holding on! It had
distraught me knowing that he did not want anything to do with us
and didn't make any attempt either to understand what I want and what
I will go through! But I am making conscious efforts to cope with
this tribulation and with recent turn of events, all of that is
becoming slightly easy. Luckily after a short job hunting venture, I
was able to secure an employment as an Senior Accountant in a reputed
Accounting Firm in Downtown, that now occupies most of my time of the
day and not to mention, secures me financially as well. The day
usually starts around 7 AM for me when I complete the basic morning
chores and leave the house around 8:15 AM to catch the train from the
nearest subway station. Crowded subways especially during early hours
of the morning and late hours of the evening makes it apparent that
the entire New York City relies on subway as their only way to
commute. 20 minute commute back and forth from work isn't
problematic; however, just the fact that you have to stand and get
pushed around for that entire 20 minute ride, is really not that
appealing.
After
routinely travelling on the same train and around same work hours,
one begins to identify few familiar faces and there is one such face
that I have been coming across ever since I started work. I had seen
him walking to the station during my first week of work and while
coming back, he had taken the same path back which led to my
apartment building. I remember I had mentally mistaken him to be
following me but that doubt of mine was shortly dispelled when I saw
him taking out the keys and opening up his apartment which was
opposite mine across the hallway. Not only that I am now accustomed
to his presence in the train, but have also become accustomed to the
daily struggle that takes place between him and his belongings while
managing to drink the coffee without spilling on himself or the
others standing next to him. While travelling in a packed subway and
that too standing, with a phone in one hand, the coffee mug in
another, and laptop bag constantly sliding down the shoulder, it now
makes sense how a simple task such as drinking coffee can be so
problematic. I honestly feel for his Armani suit though in case
someday that drink was to spill. After few weeks of mutually
acknowledging each others' presence by exchanging a courtesy smile,
we introduced ourselves to each other the day I was struggling with the groceries
to carry them upstairs and he had offered his assistance on his way
out. In fact he stated that he had noticed my absence in the train in
the evening as I had taken a slight detour that day on my way home
from work owing it all to grocery shopping that was needed to be
done. After placing my belongings on the kitchen counter, he put his
hand forward with a smile on his face and said
"I
guess its about time for introductions, myself...Viren! And You
are?"
"I
am Jeevika!"
He
further introduced himself as a
Marketing Analyst working at a Corporate in Downtown for the last 3
years which explained our same work routes and routines. Now, after a
month, we have become habitual seeing each other first thing in the
morning heading out to work; more like actually waiting for each
other at times to walk to the station together and engage in a 5
minute basic conversation about the day on way to and from work.
Apart
from that, today I addressed another important affair that required
my attention and is now my utmost priority. One particular billboard
at the subway station grabbed my attention while I was heading back
home form work few days ago and it suddenly struck me that amidst of
settling in etc, I had completely forgot about this. But then I was
quick enough to jot the information to retrieve it for later use and
I did. So, today after work, I went to consult my gynaecologist at
St.Paul's hospital to ensure me and my little one were doing okay. I
slowly walked up to the reception and with my trembling voice, I
stated the reason for my presence. More than anything else, I missed
his presence terribly at the hospital today, I wished for him to
appear magically out of thin air and hold my hand, support me, utter
few loving words to calm me down, and simply be there for us
for our first medical checkup. Shunning these thoughts, I made my way
into the cabin and took the seat upon doctor's offering. Without much
further ado, my gynaecologist had begun the process which lasted
about 40 minutes till all the medical formalities were done. She
explained everything stating that everything was normal as of now and
I had breathed a sigh of relief till she casually queried about the
father of the child! I somehow managed to hold my tears in and
make an excuse for his absence stating that he is out of town but in
reality, he was out of my life... out of our lives!!
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To be Cont..