"Did you make that green squishy thing again?"
"What green squishy thing?"
"The dessert you always make me!"
"I don't know what dessert you're talking about. . ."
"It was the one that I hated in Canada but then ever since you started making it I fell in love. . . it was kind of like our love story!"
"What do you mean by that?!"
"I hated you at first, then I fell in love with you. Now tell me do you have it or not?!"
"No, I don't. . . sorry. . ."
"I'm not talking to you anymore then!"
"Wait a minute, you did bring it!"
"Of course. . . by the way, let's learn some Indian culture Arjun. This is LAUKI KA HALWA."
"I love this. . . will you make this for me every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner when we're married?"
"Okay as long as you never leave me for Ovi!"
"Ew. . . then I'm guessing it's a done deal?"
"I guess so."
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The sound of the smoke detector snapped me out of my daze. I quickly reached for the remote to power the contraption on top of the oven and powered it off. Grabbing my spoon, I stirred the green, burned mush that I had sitting in a pot. I sighed and threw the destroyed contents of the pot away.
"Arjun. . . you didn't go through with your side of the deal!" I exclaimed, talking to no one in particular.
"Purvi, you're seriously blaming Arjun for this?"
"Well, he could have said no!"
"You could have not even brought up the deal and got them married!"
I heaved out a big sigh when I realized what I was doing. An argument with myself wasn't going to help me move on. After cleaning the utensils and pot, I went into my room again and lied down, staring up at the ceiling.
The hot tears started to run down my face again and I didn't even try to stop them – I needed to let all my sadness, anger, and various emotions out soon if I was ever going to forget Arjun and just move on. My vision went blurry, causing me to close my eyes and push a pillow down on to my face.
"ARJUN!" I screamed into the pillow, acting as if he'll actually come back to me which I knew damn well he wouldn't.
The tears eventually turned into uncontrollable sobbing. Feelings of my baby moving around in my womb along with my sobs made me doze off into a deep slumber.
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"I saw the burned lauki ka halwa in the trash. . . what was that about?"
"I tried to cook. . . it didn't work out."
"Why are you doing so much work and stressing out when you're pregnant Purvi? It's not healthy for YOUR baby."
"Nothing is healthy for the baby isn't it?!"
"Mishti. . ." he lightly put his hand on top of mine on the table.
I cringed and shut my eyes tightly. "I'm sorry Onir. . ." I pulled away from his light touch and held my hands close to my chest. "How's Arjun?"
"Oh. . . about that. . . I was thinking about inviting him over for dinner!"
"Does he know about us?"
"I don't think so. . ."
"Well, you can invite him if you want. . ."
"Okay, I'll wait until his wife comes into town."
My heart broke all over again hearing the words 'his wife' coming from someone else's mouth. "Oh right. . . his wife. . ."
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I stood in the bathroom, looking at my red, blotchy face and bloodshot eyes. I deserve all of this pain and torture and I knew it – it was just so hard for me to accept. I still feel like my Arjun will find a way to get us out of this mess and let our love thrive together again, which was becoming an unhealthy thought.
I put my hand on my stomach and gave way to a tiny smile. "I'm sorry you have such a dysfunctional mom," I bit my tongue to keep myself from laughing. Now a days, the only thing that made me smile was my baby who will get twice as much love and affection due to Arjun not being here and my inability to shower him with love. "You know. . . you're the only reason I'm alive today. . . you might not be born yet, but you've kept me alive. When you're born, I'm going to spoil you and shower you with love because you've done me the biggest favor by keeping me going." A kick in response made my smile bigger, clearly all bad thoughts and darkness with hope and light.
Memories of that beautiful night where this baby was created played over again in my mind. A sad smile peered on to my face, replacing the genuinely happy one I had plastered on earlier. "Thank you Arjun for giving me a part of you. . ." I whispered into the air while holding a tighter grip on my stomach.
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After adding more additions onto my vent paper to Arjun, I walked out on to the balcony for some fresh air. The warm breeze hitting my face was comforting, so I just stood there, staring out at what lay before me. I squeezed my eyes shut as my heart longed to speak to Arjun, to just run into his arms, have his scent linger around me, and just be in his presence.
It almost felt like a dream when I saw him standing right next to me, clearly enjoying the warm breeze.
"A-aap?" I managed to choke out, my eyes going wide.
"In the flesh," Arjun adamantly said, flashing his signature wide grin.
I couldn't control myself and I ran straight into his arms, I clutched onto his shirt as if he was my life line. He on the other hand soothingly rubbed my back with one hand and my hair with the other. Tears started rolling down my face from a force of habit since I tended to cry more than smile. "ARJUN!" I cried, tightening my grip on his shirt.
"Purvi," Arjun began in his calming voice. "Don't cry! I'm right here like I promised I would be."
"I missed you so much!" I hiccupped while looking up at him.
"So did I. . . I wish I could have spent those last 6 months with you. . ." Arjun confessed during the time that he kissed my forehead.
"Me too!" I exclaimed, my sobs making my words inaudible. I quickly pulled away from my fear of being a nuisance to him, but instantly regretted it. The warmth that once surrounded me was replaced by air that felt like ice. Just as I was about to run back into his arms, he disappeared as if he wasn't even there. "Arjun?!" I yelled into the air, looking around frantically for my security blanket.
I clutched on to the handle bar of the balcony and stared at the sky with wet, teary eyes. "Why do you do that to me? Why do you bring Arjun back and then take him away so quickly? IT'S NOT FAIR!" I exclaimed, while the hot, salty tears came pouring down quicker than ever.
"Purvi. . ." I heard a voice behind me, causing me to turn around. What I saw was a shocked Onir who clearly just felt bad for me. He walked towards me and took the spot of where Arjun had stood.
"Did you see all that?" I said in a voice so low that it sounded like I said nothing at all. "Did you see Arjun?"
"Arjun was never here Purvi. . ." Onir began in a soothing voice as he put one hand on my shoulder. "It was just a figure of your imagination."
"But it seemed so real!" I protested, while wiping away the tears that ran down my face, another action that had become a daily habit.
"You know, you lost the privilege to do all that anyways. . . you won't do that when he comes over for dinner one day will you?" Onir bluntly said, which I was extremely thankful for.
"No. . . even though I really want to. . ." I admitted, staring down at my feet.
"Aw Purvi!" Next thing I knew, Onir had enveloped me into a hug. It wasn't a comforting or loving hug like Arjun's, but a hug that reassured me that I would have someone to fall back on, that I would have an understanding friend, and that everything would be okay.
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Dear Arjun,
I love you and that's all I really know. I wonder how you and Ovi are doing – I hope you're not suffering everyday like I am without you.
