Joined: 06 October 2011
If I understand correctly ( I could be wrong) the bones of contention she has with you are
- You accused women of being stupid or suffering Stockholm syndrome for not leaving abusive relationships. This is a quite common misconception and is a major sore spot for victims and those who have worked with victims. For the longest time I used to think the same as well ' I don't let anyone even talk balk to me let alone beat, have some self respect, just leave. Upon growing older and seeing women in society, I understood that it is easier said than done. There are many factors make leaving an abusive relationship a complex and difficult issue. From what I understand the worst most demeaning thing to tell an abuse victim is "Why don't you just leave?"Each case of abusive relationship is unique and the conversation starter should be "What is going on here and what is the best way to go about helping the victim"
- You seemed to state that this was only an "Indian issue". A lot of people from the west tend to view only India. Middle East or similar developing nations as the only places that have misogynist abusive cultures. That is an offensive and hurtful stereotype, and another hot button issue. The truth is that it is a global issue. The only difference tends to be how society views women's right and abuse.
- You also want to try to retrofit the western approach to abuse to India. The problem is that each society and culture is so different that one size fits all solutions tend to make matters worse. The problem is that many men haven't even been taught how to treat women and what constitutes abuse. Society doesn't understand the need for a woman to leave such relationships. Before we even tackle abuse, we have the daunting task of addressing these hurdles.
You may mean the best, but these opinions sometimes come off as brazen or unfair.
1. How do you help out the victim if the partner is unwilling to change and abusive? You cant.
As I said before I totally understand that the situation can vary from one another but the end result is the same; its just simply unworkable. However complex the issue may be or in any regards it comes back as either (A) putting up with that person or (b) moving on.
Now you can go on and tell her to hold on because of kids, the society, the financial situation, herkismat or anything else for that matter but in the end all she is doing is putting on and there is no escaping from it, things wont and cannot change and the person will continue to remain a punching bag.
2. This is a global issue but happens way too often in desi community than anyone else, lets make no mistake about it. It is bad but definitely not so bad as the blatant murdering, butchering, burning, beating up, mentally and emotionally abusing that happens in every nook and corner back home. For every case that occurs anywhere else I could list you 10 that occurs in India, I know it might be sensitivity issue but Im sorry and its true.
Besides here we are interacting with our community, there are no goras, or kalas, or latinos to educate so we gotta make do with what we have and often it all starts at home before we can fix the rest.
3. Tell me what is the solution? How do you go about fixing these issues? When the state has failed them, the society has failed them, there is no such thing as counsellors or police support what else is there for the girl except to walk out of such abusive relationship?
I worked in local policing unit as volunteer crime prevention division and often spoken to victims of physical violence, almost 90% of them were from the sub-continent. Eventually I understood one thing is that they always turned out to be better than what they were during those relationship. Yes they had to start all over again, and faced many hardship and hurdle to get back on their feet but they had to do what they had to do to survive.
As I said before its never too late to stand up and put and end to this, investing any further emotion and hoping for a change is not going to happen and only devalues you as a human.
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