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Is it OK to be a wife beater? (Page 7)

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TheBoss

IF-Dazzler

TheBoss

Joined: 06 October 2011

Posts: 4698

Posted: 30 January 2013 at 2:22pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by return_to_hades

 

If I understand  correctly ( I could be wrong) the bones of contention she has with you are

-          You accused women of being stupid or suffering Stockholm syndrome for not leaving abusive relationships. This is a quite common misconception and is a major sore spot for victims and those who have worked with victims. For the longest time I used to think the same as well ' I don't let anyone even talk balk to me let alone beat, have some self respect, just leave. Upon growing older and seeing women in society, I understood that it is easier said than done. There are many factors make leaving an abusive relationship a complex and difficult issue. From what I understand the worst most demeaning thing to tell an abuse victim is "Why don't you just leave?"Each case of abusive relationship is unique and the conversation starter should be "What is going on here and what is the best way to go about helping the victim"

-          You seemed to state that this was only an "Indian issue". A lot of people from the west tend to view only India. Middle East or similar developing nations as the only places that have misogynist abusive cultures. That is an offensive and hurtful stereotype, and another hot button issue. The truth is that it is a global issue. The only difference tends to be how society views women's right and abuse.

-          You also want to try to retrofit the western approach to abuse to India. The problem is that each society and culture is so different that one size fits all solutions tend to make matters worse. The problem is that many men haven't even been taught how to treat women and what constitutes abuse. Society doesn't understand the need for a woman to leave such relationships. Before we even tackle abuse, we have the daunting task of addressing these hurdles.

You may mean the best, but these opinions sometimes come off as brazen or unfair.


1. How do you help out the victim if the partner is unwilling to change and abusive? You cant.

As I said before I totally understand that the situation can vary from one another but the end result is the same; its just simply unworkable. However complex the issue may be or in any regards it comes back as either (A) putting up with that person or (b) moving on.

Now you can go on and tell her to hold on because of kids, the society, the financial situation, herkismat or anything else for that matter but in the end all she is doing is putting on and there is no escaping from it, things wont and cannot change and the person will continue to remain a punching bag.

2. This is a global issue but happens way too often in desi community than anyone else, lets make no mistake about it. It is bad but definitely not so bad as the blatant murdering, butchering, burning, beating up, mentally and emotionally abusing that happens in every nook and corner back home. For every case that occurs anywhere else I could list you 10 that occurs in India, I know it might be sensitivity issue but Im sorry and its true.

Besides here we are interacting with our community, there are no goras, or kalas, or latinos to educate so we gotta make do with what we have and often it all starts at home before we can fix the rest.

3. Tell me what is the solution? How do you go about fixing these issues? When the state has failed them, the society has failed them, there is no such thing as counsellors or police support what else is there for the girl except to walk out of such abusive relationship?

I worked in local policing unit as volunteer crime prevention division and often spoken to victims of physical violence, almost 90% of them were from the sub-continent. Eventually I understood one thing is that they always turned out to be better than what they were during those relationship. Yes they had to start all over again, and faced many hardship and hurdle to get back on their feet but they had to do what they had to do to survive.


As I said before its never too late to stand up and put and end to this, investing any further emotion and hoping for a change is not going to happen and only devalues you as a human.

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McNinja

IF-Rockerz

McNinja

Joined: 30 August 2012

Posts: 9176

Posted: 30 January 2013 at 3:40pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by King-Anu

So basically you are looking for a
 
- gori girl
- with citizenship of western country
- lots of jaheez
- ability to cook light weight, low density, well rounded chapatis
 
Have I summarized it properly?
 
I understand you are being sarcastic about people back home. I am sure these things do exist however times have changed a lot also.

Sorry to say, they really havent changed all that much. 

And it's not just back home. These issues are dragged overseas when desis come abroad. 

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TheBoss

TheBoss

IF-Dazzler

TheBoss

Joined: 06 October 2011

Posts: 4698

Posted: 30 January 2013 at 3:51pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by McNinja


Sorry to say, they really havent changed all that much. 

And it's not just back home. These issues are dragged overseas when desis come abroad. 

Yes it does. I can recall so many issues more than I could ever count for where domestic issue is an ongoing problem even in here. Infact one of my closest friend is running over his wife and I couldnt believe he is the same guy that I used to know.

Often there is a silent acknowledgement I have with his wife and she goes on with her life as nothing is happening. It hasnt been physical but he keeps putting her down as stupid and no common sense and what not. Funny thing is both are from here and went to good universities that makes me scratch my head. 

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McNinja

McNinja

IF-Rockerz

McNinja

Joined: 30 August 2012

Posts: 9176

Posted: 30 January 2013 at 3:52pm | IP Logged
Going through the posts, this topic has become more of a "dont point fingers at just us" rather than focusing on the actual topic at hand. 

In my opinion, these are issues you will see no matter where you live, and no one denies the fact the western world also sees such actions. But whether we like to admit it or not, Asian mentality has not evolved or kept up with time as much as the western worlds has. Our culture has many deep rooted misogynIstic, masochistic tendencies and that's a fact. 

Most of us here being Asian, have a duty to ourselves, our generation, and our future generations to kick these biases. So yes, i will continue grouping our society into a "we" because we need to change. And change begins at home.


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TheBoss

K.Universe.

Goldie

K.Universe.

Joined: 02 September 2012

Posts: 1137

Posted: 31 January 2013 at 11:51am | IP Logged

For what it's worth, my impressions on the topic:

1. The toofoolery would have continued unabated if not reined in by a few folks who were offended (IMO, rightly so)

2. To quote Ed Nichols, sarcasm is butchery while satire is surgery. I see nothing but a butchery of the very follies that the topic maker intended to make fun of, with the (presumed) hope of changing men's behavior.

3. The one who would be offended by the "come-hither" shock value of the subject are not the ones that need a change in behavior. Otherwise, they wouldn't participate. The ones who wish to participate in the very tone that the topic maker initiated are doing nothing but trolling (sorry!)

4. So there is absolutely no difference whether the topic starts off with a "why do women take abuse" or "why do some men beat/intimidate their wives" and how do we address this social malady.

5. Frakly, I thought a suggestion proffered as one of the solutions ("Putting up for the kids I say f**k the kids. Putting up with society I say hell with it.") is retarded at best.

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LovesLowCulture_Angie_Forever-KA

return_to_hades

IF-Veteran Member

return_to_hades

Joined: 18 January 2006

Posts: 20401

Posted: 31 January 2013 at 12:04pm | IP Logged
^^^

Now that you are here K, do you have any thoughts on how we can address the issue of marital/relationship abuse in society?

BirdieNumNum

Senior Member

BirdieNumNum

Joined: 07 October 2012

Posts: 967

Posted: 31 January 2013 at 12:12pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by return_to_hades

^^^

Now that you are here K, do you have any thoughts on how we can address the issue of marital/relationship abuse in society?

oh let me take a shot at it.

for starters, guys should drop the requirement for round rotis .A roti by any other shape will still be flour. It's like toilet paper. Whether you fold it or use it crushed, it's still gonna do the job. Guys need some serious re-think on what's important here, and they can start by having their mind on the toilet LOL.

K.Universe.

Goldie

K.Universe.

Joined: 02 September 2012

Posts: 1137

Posted: 31 January 2013 at 12:15pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by return_to_hades

^^^

Now that you are here K, do you have any thoughts on how we can address the issue of marital/relationship abuse in society?


I don't know what good a slogan like "Empower women", or some such, on paper, would do RTH.

Real world operates at a different level.

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