Is it OK to be a wife beater? (Page 7)

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TheBoss

IF-Dazzler

Joined: 06 October 2011

Posts: 2952

Posted: 30 January 2013 at 2:22pm | IP Logged

Originally posted by return_to_hades

If I understand correctly ( I could be wrong) the bones of contention she has with you are

- You accused women of being stupid or suffering Stockholm syndrome for not leaving abusive relationships. This is a quite common misconception and is a major sore spot for victims and those who have worked with victims. For the longest time I used to think the same as well ' I don't let anyone even talk balk to me let alone beat, have some self respect, just leave. Upon growing older and seeing women in society, I understood that it is easier said than done. There are many factors make leaving an abusive relationship a complex and difficult issue. From what I understand the worst most demeaning thing to tell an abuse victim is "Why don't you just leave?"Each case of abusive relationship is unique and the conversation starter should be "What is going on here and what is the best way to go about helping the victim"

- You seemed to state that this was only an "Indian issue". A lot of people from the west tend to view only India. Middle East or similar developing nations as the only places that have misogynist abusive cultures. That is an offensive and hurtful stereotype, and another hot button issue. The truth is that it is a global issue. The only difference tends to be how society views women's right and abuse.

- You also want to try to retrofit the western approach to abuse to India. The problem is that each society and culture is so different that one size fits all solutions tend to make matters worse. The problem is that many men haven't even been taught how to treat women and what constitutes abuse. Society doesn't understand the need for a woman to leave such relationships. Before we even tackle abuse, we have the daunting task of addressing these hurdles.

You may mean the best, but these opinions sometimes come off as brazen or unfair.

1. How do you help out the victim if the partner is unwilling to change and abusive? You cant.

As I said before I totally understand that the situation can vary from one another but the end result is the same; its just simply unworkable. However complex the issue may be or in any regards it comes back as either (A) putting up with that person or (b) moving on.

Now you can go on and tell her to hold on because of kids, the society, the financial situation, herkismat or anything else for that matter but in the end all she is doing is putting on and there is no escaping from it, things wont and cannot change and the person will continue to remain a punching bag.

2. This is a global issue but happens way too often in desi community than anyone else, lets make no mistake about it. It is bad but definitely not so bad as the blatant murdering, butchering, burning, beating up, mentally and emotionally abusing that happens in every nook and corner back home. For every case that occurs anywhere else I could list you 10 that occurs in India, I know it might be sensitivity issue but Im sorry and its true.

Besides here we are interacting with our community, there are no goras, or kalas, or latinos to educate so we gotta make do with what we have and often it all starts at home before we can fix the rest.

3. Tell me what is the solution? How do you go about fixing these issues? When the state has failed them, the society has failed them, there is no such thing as counsellors or police support what else is there for the girl except to walk out of such abusive relationship?

I worked in local policing unit as volunteer crime prevention division and often spoken to victims of physical violence, almost 90% of them were from the sub-continent. Eventually I understood one thing is that they always turned out to be better than what they were during those relationship. Yes they had to start all over again, and faced many hardship and hurdle to get back on their feet but they had to do what they had to do to survive.

As I said before its never too late to stand up and put and end to this, investing any further emotion and hoping for a change is not going to happen and only devalues you as a human.

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McNinja

IF-Rockerz

Joined: 30 August 2012

Posts: 8575

Posted: 30 January 2013 at 3:40pm | IP Logged

Originally posted by King-Anu

So basically you are looking for a

- gori girl

- with citizenship of western country

- lots of jaheez

- ability to cook light weight, low density, well rounded chapatis

Have I summarized it properly?

I understand you are being sarcastic about people back home. I am sure these things do exist however times have changed a lot also.

Sorry to say, they really havent changed all that much.

And it's not just back home. These issues are dragged overseas when desis come abroad.

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TheBoss,

TheBoss

IF-Dazzler

Joined: 06 October 2011

Posts: 2952

Posted: 30 January 2013 at 3:51pm | IP Logged

Originally posted by McNinja

Sorry to say, they really havent changed all that much.

And it's not just back home. These issues are dragged overseas when desis come abroad.

Yes it does. I can recall so many issues more than I could ever count for where domestic issue is an ongoing problem even in here. Infact one of my closest friend is running over his wife and I couldnt believe he is the same guy that I used to know.

Often there is a silent acknowledgement I have with his wife and she goes on with her life as nothing is happening. It hasnt been physical but he keeps putting her down as stupid and no common sense and what not. Funny thing is both are from here and went to good universities that makes me scratch my head.

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McNinja,

McNinja

IF-Rockerz

Joined: 30 August 2012

Posts: 8575

Posted: 30 January 2013 at 3:52pm | IP Logged

Going through the posts, this topic has become more of a "dont point fingers at just us" rather than focusing on the actual topic at hand.

In my opinion, these are issues you will see no matter where you live, and no one denies the fact the western world also sees such actions. But whether we like to admit it or not, Asian mentality has not evolved or kept up with time as much as the western worlds has. Our culture has many deep rooted misogynIstic, masochistic tendencies and that's a fact.

Most of us here being Asian, have a duty to ourselves, our generation, and our future generations to kick these biases. So yes, i will continue grouping our society into a "we" because we need to change. And change begins at home.

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TheBoss,

.Baazigar.

Senior Member

Joined: 04 January 2012

Posts: 621

Posted: 30 January 2013 at 7:33pm | IP Logged

((what else is there for the girl except to walk out of such abusive relationship?))

In theory it is easy to say but in practical world it is difficult to follow. Only way one can understand the issue is if one put himself or herself in the place of the victim. We will do injustice if we imagine the victim in our own place and try to find out the solution. This issue is as complex as something where everything interlinked like financial independence, society mental torture , awareness of self right,children. No one is happy to be beaten or torture by other , some struggle to survive or try to make the change and some successfully walk out of relationship it depends on case to case basis and it is wrong if we try to find out an generic solution where you will get zero support from outside world in terms of society and financial independence etc.

Financial independence : In practice a women have zero financial support from her parent family, only in theory equal right to property is there in indian society. After marriage a majority of family shun their daughter, Dowry gulped down by the husband side so now the woman dont have any financial backup, if she lives in a place where there is no scope of job then that also curtail her financial self independent. Now this also very from case to case like self independent women, dependent women, working woman , living in rural urban etc.

Societal pressure : When a society perceive it as a crime to leave husband it is for the women to face the society after all she have to live in the society, so it easy for us easy to say just face it but here a women have to not only face it but have to fight to change the society outlook in each moment and every step which is easy to say than follow.

Self Awareness of own right : You are dealing in a society where literacy level is 75% and female literacy is 65%.

The role of society, government , law, financial independence all play role in a simple family domestic violence. The more it looks simple the more complex it is.

So it is easy to blame to victim but difficult to provide a favourable environment where she can able to live her own independent life. After that also it can solve the issue to some extent and not eradicate 100% these will be steps in right direction.

Regarding mahila mandala, feminist etc tag, our society is such that i found even it is considered as a taboo to discuss women centric issues, why cant it be as important as discussion on terrorism or corruption , simple it effect the human life weather that is male or female is secondary issue. In this DM we should come out from the syndrome of Boss is always right , ie I am always right syndrome and you should gulp down my opinion.

Edited by .Baazigar. - 30 January 2013 at 8:11pm

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King-Anu,

K.Universe.

Senior Member

Joined: 02 September 2012

Posts: 534

Posted: 31 January 2013 at 11:51am | IP Logged

For what it's worth, my impressions on the topic:

1. The toofoolery would have continued unabated if not reined in by a few folks who were offended (IMO, rightly so)

2. To quote Ed Nichols, sarcasm is butchery while satire is surgery. I see nothing but a butchery of the very follies that the topic maker intended to make fun of, with the (presumed) hope of changing men's behavior.

3. The one who would be offended by the "come-hither" shock value of the subject are not the ones that need a change in behavior. Otherwise, they wouldn't participate. The ones who wish to participate in the very tone that the topic maker initiated are doing nothing but trolling (sorry!)

4. So there is absolutely no difference whether the topic starts off with a "why do women take abuse" or "why do some men beat/intimidate their wives" and how do we address this social malady.

5. Frakly, I thought a suggestion proffered as one of the solutions ("Putting up for the kids I say f**k the kids. Putting up with society I say hell with it.") is retarded at best.

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LovesLowCulture, King-Anu, _Angie_,

return_to_hades

IF-Veteran Member

Joined: 18 January 2006

Posts: 18192

Posted: 31 January 2013 at 12:04pm | IP Logged

^^^

Now that you are here K, do you have any thoughts on how we can address the issue of marital/relationship abuse in society?

BirdieNumNum

Senior Member

Joined: 07 October 2012

Posts: 531

Posted: 31 January 2013 at 12:12pm | IP Logged

Originally posted by return_to_hades

^^^

Now that you are here K, do you have any thoughts on how we can address the issue of marital/relationship abuse in society?

oh let me take a shot at it.

for starters, guys should drop the requirement for round rotis .A roti by any other shape will still be flour. It's like toilet paper. Whether you fold it or use it crushed, it's still gonna do the job. Guys need some serious re-think on what's important here, and they can start by having their mind on the toilet LOL

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Finding a fair skin girlfriend/wife very difficult 2 3 4 5 6 7 ... 22 23	TheBoss	182	6983	14 February 2013 at 9:35pm By achu_arshi
Wife sharing... 2 3	i.am.	19	2288	04 November 2012 at 10:51am By zorrro
Husband and Wife Relationship - Marriage Debate 2 3	-Roshan-	20	1316	29 April 2012 at 3:41am By cs-07
Wife leaving Hubby taking children away, but why? 2 3	Summer3	16	1412	07 July 2011 at 12:56pm By Summer3
Husband's affair drives wife to suicide 2 3 4 5	frosty	33	4339	22 June 2011 at 10:27pm By Prometeus

Is it OK to be a wife beater? (Page 7)

Page 7 of 13

Posted: 30 January 2013 at 2:22pm | IP Logged

Posted: 30 January 2013 at 3:40pm | IP Logged

Posted: 30 January 2013 at 3:51pm | IP Logged

Posted: 30 January 2013 at 3:52pm | IP Logged

Posted: 30 January 2013 at 7:33pm | IP Logged

Posted: 31 January 2013 at 11:51am | IP Logged

Posted: 31 January 2013 at 12:04pm | IP Logged

Posted: 31 January 2013 at 12:12pm | IP Logged

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