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Is it OK to be a wife beater? (Page 4)

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_Angie_

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_Angie_

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Posted: 30 January 2013 at 10:31am | IP Logged
Originally posted by TheBoss


As it turns out some women get beaten up quite regularly but they just don't do anything about it and live in denial thinking one day the person would change. Talk about stockholm syndrome where they think its for their own good to learn the hard way.

Even if physical violence is not applied, the emotional trauma can be equally worse with the intimidation tactics that keeps the women awake at night and afraid for the slightest move.
In some cases the woman may be too optimistic. In others it could be because she has no option.If she isnt an earning member and has no other home to go to, none to offer any support, moral or oterwise, that may be the only option available to her. It has been observed that ver often the girl's parents do not want her back even when they are aware that not all is well with her. In some cases the failure to react could be due to intimidation.

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Posted: 30 January 2013 at 10:34am | IP Logged
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Posted: 30 January 2013 at 10:35am | IP Logged
Originally posted by TheBoss

As it turns out some women get beaten up quite regularly but they just don't do anything about it and live in denial thinking one day the person would change. Talk about stockholm syndrome where they think its for their own good to learn the hard way.

Even if physical violence is not applied, the emotional trauma can be equally worse with the intimidation tactics that keeps the women awake at night and afraid for the slightest move.


Curious. Have you spent time with women in physically or emotionally abusive relationships? In my experience, they are not stupid or have "stockholm syndrome," but have their own complex ways of managing it and making the best choices for their circumstance. Not everyone has the option of pulling off a Kiranjit Ahluwalia, or of having access to other familial/economic support to just leave their attacker.

Women are raised to feel like it's their responsibility to nurture relationships and families, and many women feel torn when having to put an end to violence in their homes but at the same time feel like they have to emotionally provide for that same abusive partner (who they might pity, or view as needing their extra love) and other dependants (elders, kids).

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LovesLowCulturenomad.nessperfectlystillTheBossasha..._Angie_return_to_hades

TheBoss

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Posted: 30 January 2013 at 10:42am | IP Logged
@Arti

Im addressing to them (our good people back home) as a whole, but as you yourself said its divided between upper cast lower cast, east west north south, this religion that religion -- basically the hierarchies and patriarchal fallacies that rot our people to the core.

Im not trying to educate anyone, Im merely pointing out some flaws and showing the mirror where its long due. Im sorry if it makes you or anyone else uncomfortable but thats exactly the intention.

We have been burying our heads in the sand for too long, and ignoring the pressing issues and blaming others or questioning others instead of addressing to the evil that lies within us. I think its high time that we put the blind patriotism behind and see things from the bigger picture.

Im certainly not making any white documentary neither do I fall as the white man, having born in the west and spending childhood in India Im well aware of the issues that haunt our community back home and within the local non residents and not ignorant to them.

 Im tired of logically debating with the masses because they are too brainwashed or jaded to see things past the kool-aid that has been fed to them for so long and have no qualms in speaking out against the issues that implode our nation, our society and our community.

We have been living with this mindset for far too long, that if we are not perfect so are the others so lets pick on them if they pick on us. How about we do something about the issue and the answer starts right from home?

My thoughts are not just my thoughts, a lot of people are calling us out and it is time that we rise above all this bullshit.
 

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Posted: 30 January 2013 at 10:53am | IP Logged
Originally posted by --arti--



Curious. Have you spent time with women in physically or emotionally abusive relationships? In my experience, they are not stupid or have "stockholm syndrome," but have their own complex ways of managing it and making the best choices for their circumstance. Not everyone has the option of pulling off a Kiranjit Ahluwalia, or of having access to other familial/economic support to just leave their attacker.

Women are raised to feel like it's their responsibility to nurture relationships and families, and many women feel torn when having to put an end to violence in their homes but at the same time feel like they have to emotionally provide for that same abusive partner (who they might pity, or view as needing their extra love) and other dependants (elders, kids).

I totally understand where you are coming from but I think you are making yourself and those around you to be weak and feeble. Putting up with crap in order to go on with your life is not the right way. In this the only one laughing is the man because he is able to have his way.

You are feeding me with the nurturement when my issue is with the fundamental thinking that is being instilled upon the women. You can justify it by this and that but I think its bullshit. Nobody will ever respect you unless you have some self respect.

We have been living far too long to please others and live upto their expection, be a good daughter, be a good sister, be a good wife, then a a good mother etc. Im sorry to say but if you guys continue to live in denial with your SOB stories nothing will happen and people will continue to walk all over you.

Putting up for the kids I say f**k the kids. Putting up with society I say hell with it. Putting up for financial security? Well what good is it if you got no peace of mind and you are treated as a door mat?

How about being selfish for once and living a day for yourself?

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Mishe

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Posted: 30 January 2013 at 10:55am | IP Logged

Abusive men target emotionally vulnerable and impressionable women for relationships/marriage. Throughout the relationship they will constantly reiterate how hopeless, stupid, helpless, vulnerable and needy the girl is by berating her. They will continuously impress that they are the only ones who genuinely care for her and everyone is wants to hurt her. Every time after a beating they will cry, apologize and even hurt themselves to prove their love. Eventually, the woman loses self confidence and becomes dependent.

 

This problem is not unique to India only. Even in the western progressive there have been so many cases of physical/sexual abuse and domestic violence. There are several battered women who don't leave their abusive relationships. Every few years you have shocking stories of sister wives and sex cults where a dominant male sexually and physically abuses women and children.

 

The only difference is that the image of women is better in western society. Marital rape, domestic violence, abusive relationships are considered heinous.  There are many organizations that provide assistance and education. Even neighbors and friends feel involved. A woman who eventually leaves a relationship is considered strong, courageous and a role model. Compare that to India where the SC holds marital rape is not a crime because sex is the marital duty of a wife.  Or where people think that yelling, screaming, beating is between husband and wife and they should turn the other way. If a woman leaves many still consider her damaged property and not marriage/relationship material. They constantly question her decision and ask why she didn't do more to save the marriage. That is why it is so much harder for women in India to even think of leaving.

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Posted: 30 January 2013 at 11:02am | IP Logged
My point was that not everyone in India or other countries in South Asia think the same. And newsflash, there is sexism, misogyny and racism in the west too. The point is that everyone, everywhere needs to think about their own privilege without singling out one group of people as if if they are a homogeneous entity. There are racist discourses out there that pretend that some people in the world are backward while those in the West are not, as if bombing the hell out of innocent people of colour is "forward" or enlightened somehow. You should be careful to not add to those voices. You can do that by just recognizing that power is everywhere and is f*cked up in many of its expressions.

Stop saying "we" as if you are the same as a feminist activist in rural India or an indigenous women's rights activist in Toronto. I think you need to understand the kind of real life nuances that people navigate. And respect the creativity and strength that it takes to do that. Unfortunately, that cannot be taught, it can only be learned through experience. I'm only 21 so what do I know. You have obviously done a great deal of research on the experience of diverse women and so obviously demonstrate a great amount of respect for all of us and the choices we make, so carry on with trying to tell us what's best for us. Thumbs Up

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TheBoss

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Posted: 30 January 2013 at 11:26am | IP Logged
Thing is I feel like you are getting worked up, while Im discussing the issue you are questioning my intent and agendas behind it. And not sure why me questioning some issues makes me a feminist or somebody from the mahila mandal

So if I refuse to bury my head in the sand and rather chose to speak out on things that do not sit well in my opinion against some lingering issues it automatically makes me a feminist?

I never claimed the west is perfect, there are a thousand things that are wrong with it, but Im not discussing them here and never claimed  one to be above the other. As far as my research is concerned Im speaking from personal experiences that I have seen first hand and thus speaking about it.

Unfortunately the flawed thinking back home is to be on the defensive side where they do not take constructive criticism well instead counter them by comparisons.  If you are interested to talk about the US foreign policy, the wars and the bombings feel free to open up a thread and I would love to chip in with my 2 cents. 

As I said before an eye for an eye is not the solution. We shouldn't have to cover up our issues and point out the others to feel good, rather we should get our hands dirty and fix the problems right at home.

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