SS: The Fault in Our Stars THE END (Page 29)

Dear Stranger,

You may notice my writing becoming less polished by the chapter. This is me, venting out my frustration at the unfairness of this  world. I cannot fathom the rawness of my own emotion. I am bitter seeing the meaninglessness of life. Why should be left alone to face the implications of metaphysical ways when both my creator and my lover both have been taken away? How can I rest in peace knowing the randomness of my being could not help them? I have lost the ability to tell heal from hurt, smile from sadness and love from hate. What I feel does not matter and what matters, I cannot feel.

It was the day before the darkness took over. One of the worst days of his existence. Not because he was void of bodily function but because he was giving up. He had asked for a sip of orange juice, specifically instructed the nurse to squeeze fresh California oranges with extra pulp. I carried the tray to his bedside with a hint of happiness pasted on my face. He had forbidden me from seeing him since the day of the transplant; something about a grand visit once he was healthy. This would be his homecoming of sorts. I dreamed every night of this moment, how his luscious rosy cheeks would make my day.

"Madhubala, I am not dressed", Rishabh pointed to a sheet loosely draped below the waist.

I nodded and left the juice by the nightstand. He was slightly bloated, a pale blue marking the operated area. I did not question his cold neglect. I should not have come, I picked up pace to leave before I made another mistake. He must be furious at my immaturity. He must think of me as a chipper teenage-acting woman who turned a deaf ear to his warnings.

"Madhu, come in".

He had spotted me escaping his wrath.

"I asked for extra pulp. Fire the damn nurse".

"I am sorry".

"Why do you hand out apologies like grapes from a vine?"

I was scared of him, his  grudge against nature was bigger than mine would ever be.

"I……"

"You father's kidney is doing just fine. Everything down there is A-OK. It's...why did you come here when I told you NOT to see me like this?"

"I missed you. You wouldn't pick up the phone, answer my emails".

"What are going to do when I die, huh?"

A flood of tears run down my face, something was  very wrong. He was pushing me away.

"Don't give me the saltwater, I have enough injected into my veins. Tell me, what do I look more handsome in, this jacket or that coat?"

I had hoped this was not his way of sugar coating the truth. I was genuinely happy seeing his blush red and pink in his white pant suit.

"I love you", his words came out of the blue. He was preparing for the news. "The reports are about my kidneys are excellent".

"There's something else", I added. He pushed me to a corner and screamed everything he held within.

"I do not deserve you".

This was the last I would see of him.