SS: Anthapura - Part 18 Upd - Apr 19th (Page 6)

Like that of the torrid weather outside, I flamed from the first pangs of anxiety as I left Jaitsar. I knew I would regret my decision outwardly, though I knew it had been my own.

Regret that I had been selfish wanting to pursue my dreams, when I had put everyone under an emotional duress while I had come down the stairs with my packed bags.  

With the entire family huddled in two SUVs we left for Udaipur one week before the classes would be in session. I thought I needed that time to acquaint myself to his people and surroundings, if nothing else. Well, there was the also getting used to staying away from the haveli and my family, but I was also painfully aware that no amount of time would let me get a handle over my separation from them. I would always miss home. I still did.   

My bidaai to the haveli - at the time of my wedding with Jagya - had been painful, emotionally crippling in some ways when I had been alienated from the indulgences of my mother at a time when I most needed her.  And coming to Udaipur felt like I had truly left home for the first time; the searing in my chest, nothing in comparison to the day I had sat in the dholi to be sent away to another home.  

As the vehicle raced past the empty highways, bordered by a tree or two every few miles, I couldn't help but see the place for what it was: my home. However barren it appeared, the kindred spirit of her people made up for what it didn't offer in picturesque sights. It made me wonder if everyone leaving their home felt this same onslaught of memories. One too many to fully relive them in the flicker of the second they were kindled, only to be overtaken by another. To this end, I truly understood why it was necessary to leave behind the familiarity of home at least once, even if only temporary. How the stubby jasmine plant, the creaky garden door and the annoying leaky faucet were all perfect in their imperfections. The nostalgia left a bitter taste in my mouth and I had little doubt that it would long before anything of what lay ahead of my path would seem palatable to me.

For most part of the journey I felt like I was sputtering to let out my new found wings to fly away from the place that had nurtured me all along. Like baby birds that jumped off their nests without any sense of the dangers that came with that free fall.

It was too late for second thoughts, I reckoned when I had already begun to drop towards the unknown that lurked beneath. I only hoped to find my way back home, even if I were to hit the ground along that hurtling fall. 

To be continued...