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Ek Hazaaron Mein Meri Behna Hain
Ek Hazaaron Mein Meri Behna Hain

The attack - OS (part 5-pg 15 18/2/13) (Page 14)

-Pj- IF-Rockerz
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Posted: 23 January 2013 at 1:05pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by nobo

That was really really Brilliant Pj ...I can't describe how much I love your way of ending stories. It's always just so so perfecttt

It's ur choice if you continue this as u said you 'r not sure whether its last or not, It could be taken further obviously But this part was complete in itself. Jeevika's journey from start till end, & Viren manvi's support ...beautifully described
I spl liked how you mentioned Lines from book In purple ...& how actually fir they were on Jeevika & @words In blue, beautifully penned

From Jeevika's breakdown to Maanvi 's emotional & Friendly support to Viren's patience & care, Everything was beautiful !!



Thanks Priya for your comments. I don't understand why you think my endings are so great I just try to get closure at the end or just make it relate to the beginning. I'm glad you liked the quite. I'm probably should have said which book it was. If anyone wants to know its from 'ONE DAY' by David Nicolls. Well I know which words in blue you meant but thanks for mentioning them. I guess they all that to play there roles. One will support and advice as a sister and some things which are easier to share with one than your spouse. And other who will support as a husband waiting to try and fix what is needed.

Lily2011 IF-Dazzler
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Posted: 24 January 2013 at 2:11pm | IP Logged
nice update. dear do pm me???????????
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Posted: 25 January 2013 at 2:51pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by --Iqra--

Wow!! This is amazing! (And I was so sure I commented. ErmmLOL) Brilliant last part! The dust has settled, Day Dreaming One very meaningful line... Thanks for the PM! 

Glad to liked this part and that last line. I thought I'd end it on a idiom, I don't no why, but it fitted the Os so I kept it.   
Amii90 IF-Dazzler
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Posted: 27 January 2013 at 9:18pm | IP Logged
I didn't know you would be continuing this but glad that you did!!! Again its just brilliantly written piece of work and descriptive narration just made it even better! Those dialogues and those emotions in your words became so real as I read them!!! Well balanced as all the characters were depicted well given their roles and characteristics and Viren's anger/helplessness was something that was penned beautifully- I could almost see him enacting that scene BUT what works the best was again- portrayal of JEEVIKA!!!! Props!!!! Just like I mentioned in my first comment that the way you have written Jeevika's emotions and her inner turmoil is simply amazing as it required lot more sensitivity!!! Just the OS in itself, due to its senstive topic, can be very hard to write and present it on paper ensuring that its similar to what you had imagined it to be! But definitely, you have treated this OS in an amazing manner where it doesn't make the reader uncomfortable with all those details intact!!! More than I loved the you way you ended with a line " Finally the dust had settled"- narrates so much more than its face value and indicates a commencement of something beautiful in their relationship!!!! Amazing job, Pj :) 

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Posted: 28 January 2013 at 1:35pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Amii90

<font color="#6600FF">I didn't know you would be continuing this but glad that you did!!! Again its just brilliantly written piece of work and descriptive narration just made it even better! Those dialogues and those emotions in your words became so real as I read them!!! Well balanced as all the characters were depicted well given their roles and characteristics and Viren's anger/helplessness was something that was penned beautifully- I could almost see him enacting that scene BUT what works the best was again- portrayal of JEEVIKA!!!! Props!!!! Just like I mentioned in my first comment that the way you have written Jeevika's emotions and her inner turmoil is simply amazing as it required lot more sensitivity!!! Just the OS in itself, due to its senstive topic, can be very hard to write and present it on paper ensuring that its similar to what you had imagined it to be! But definitely, you have treated this OS in an amazing manner where it doesn't make the reader uncomfortable with all those details intact!!! More than I loved the you way you ended with a line " Finally the dust had settled"- narrates so much more than its face value and indicates a commencement of something beautiful in their relationship!!!! Amazing job, Pj :)</font>




I didn't know I would be updating this. But thought of a bit more so added it in. I have noticed I have a tendency to have quite a bit of description and less dialogue, as dialogue is to push the story forward when needed. (Put that hat away now, sorry) I'm glad you found a balance in the characters and their emotions. I know you have praised me for the way I wrote the story but I did have help with some of the ideas from a show I watched but just adapted it for these characters and how they would react. Yet I'm glad it was written in a way that doesn't make it uncomfortable. I wasn't trying to explicit about it and don't think I used the word rape till the last update. Not that it's something to be ashamed of at all, but it want the act that needed recognition but how they cope after that point. All of them but especially Jeevika.
I hate writing endings as you have to get that last line right. Something that fits the entire story. For some reason I wanted an idiom that fitted as so many meanings can be taken it from. It what is on the surface but also what has been secured underneath.

Once again thanks for your comment.

Edited by -Pj- - 28 January 2013 at 1:32pm

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Amii90

sabeeha Senior Member
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Posted: 18 February 2013 at 12:58pm | IP Logged
"Finally the dust had settled."

What a fitting end to very provocative story. The darker tones really do do wonders for Viren and Jeevika, and just the direction of the story, although slightly unsettling, was panned out perfectly.

You really do feel for Viren, Jeevika and Manvi throughout the whole story and I can't really put into words properly, but it was excellent in just how you handled it. The rape could have been trivialised so easily, but you stuck true to the real issue at it's heart - trust.

Bravo, loved it :)

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Posted: 18 February 2013 at 1:16pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by sabeeha

"Finally the dust had settled."

What a fitting end to very provocative story. The darker tones really do do wonders for Viren and Jeevika, and just the direction of the story, although slightly unsettling, was panned out perfectly.

You really do feel for Viren, Jeevika and Manvi throughout the whole story and I can't really put into words properly, but it was excellent in just how you handled it. The rape could have been trivialised so easily, but you stuck true to the real issue at it's heart - trust.

Bravo, loved it :)

Thank you so much for your comments, I was actually gonna add one more part that takes you backwards rather than forward. Wink Yet the future may stop here. 

The dust has settled seemed like the most fitting idiom, as now things would move forward. I'm glad that you could feel for all the characters in the story and that those darker shades work well. I would love to see darker tones, executed correctly in the actually show but alas, 

Rape is not something to be trivialised at all, and I always dislike when it is shown in that way. As you said it is all about trust and trusting again. Someone does a vicious act and takes away the trust you have in people, its that trust that as to be reformed.    

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sabeeha

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Posted: 18 February 2013 at 2:37pm | IP Logged

Somehow, I have come up with one more part. I guarantee that this will be last. I had thought of something not so pleasant to write in which would have extended it and made it more heartbreaking but it did notwork due to the timings I had given in the previous parts. Yet I not sure, if you will enjoy this final part but do comment on it, if you wish. It starts at the beginning and finishes at the end.

Part five. 

Flashback to the night of the attack.

It was hours before the party. Viren and Jeevika were in the bedroom, getting ready for their respective evenings ahead. Viren was standing in front of the cupboard, with his hand  rubbing against his lips in a deep thought. He was debating on which shirt to wear for the night, every shirt he pulled out was not right (those ended on the floor.) Quietly Jeevika came behind him, hugged him tightly and gave him a light kiss. Before he could even say anything, she stretches over and pulls out a silk shirt for him and pushes it towards him and kicks the rest of his shirts in a playful manner. As she went to leave, he grabs her and pulls her closely. 

"Is that all I get?" He whispered in her ear. 

"Yes, as you are leaving me all alone tonight to deal with this get together, that you have arranged!" she sarcastically replied.  

"You won't be alone, it's at our house. You know the family don't you? I'm sure I have introduced you to them before? Or was that my other girlfriend?" Suddenly he felt a something hit him, Jeevika had grabbed a pillow from the bed and smacked him with it, to which he chuckled. 

"Don't stress, everyone is here, all you have to do is mingle with them. Or just stick with Maanvi. You know I can't stay tonight, even if I arranged the entire thing, clients come before anything else,"

"Even your wife?" He walked up to her as she stood about two feet away, and brushed his hand over her face, "There nothing that comes before you."

As the guests of Vadhera family where mingling with each other, Jeevika was texting her husband. Even though he wasn't replying as he was in a meeting, she just wanted to talk to him. Maanvi wondered over in Jeevika's direction as she saw her standing alone. They engaged in casual conversation, mainly Maanvi teasing her sister, about missing her husband for only one evening. They stayed in the corner and kept each other company, as after Maanvi's marriage they had not really had a chance to spend time together. They ignored the rest of the party and kept to themselves. Giggling and amusing themselves with their private jokes.  

Unaware to them there was someone watching, someone who wanted to have them and they didn't want to wait. He looked on as her hair flowed down perfectly onto her back, she was wearing a beautiful sari that showed off her magnificent figure. It was as if it was tempting him. Her laugh could be heard from across the room, and to him it sounded like the siren's song, beckoning him. He didn't want to fight those urges, he tried waiting but then he saw a chance. She left the table, picking up her phone and wondered up the hallway. 

She peered down at her phone, checking if she had a message, when she heard a voice from behind calling her name. 

"Niall? Are you ok, did you want anything?" Jeevika began to question him, as he was a guest in her house. He walked towards her and she began to step back as he was beginning to invade her personal space. She hit the wall behind her as he stood in front with his arms blocking her in both directions. 

"Yes actually there is something I need?" He ran his fingers down the side of her face ever so slowly. Then whispered in her ear. She pushed his hands off her, to which he became angry. She tried to leave. However, he had barricaded her in. He was not going to let her go, yet for a brief second his hands went down. In that time she tried to escape yet the devil had returned. He grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her towards the wall, she tried to scream, but he had covered her mouth to reduce the chance anyone hearing. He thought this way might be more difficult but he was going to get what he wanted. He had her by the throat; she dropped her phone (that was in her hand) as she tried to claw him off with all the fight she had. She pushed yet he winded her by a punch to the stomach, not before dragging her into an empty room.  

She did not know what to do now. She tried so hard to get him off her, but her screams were silenced by punches, punches so hard that one could see God. Her attempts seemed futile as  his strength and effort was overbearing. Every touch and punch left a physically mark yet it was to leave much more after it was over.

Once he was done, he lifted himself up, wiped his sweat, and left the room, slowly closing the door behind him. He didn't even look back, leaving Jeevika battered on the ground. Not a single tear fell as all that was taken didn't require tears. The pain was too great for that. It had not just affected her body but her soul. Every second on the ground, felt like hours. Yet in the silence there was a sense of comfort, with no one around, the noise had gone. It had stopped. Jeevika tried to comprehend what had just happened. (Something she would struggle with, until the end of time.)

She tried to stand and used anything that she could. In her mind she had a millions things running a stream.

"Stand! Come on stand. Why can't I reach that chair? ... Got it! Aaagggh... Right... Breathe, slowly. You can do this. One foot first, then the next, then. Slowly, steady, don't fall! I'm out of the room, just get to your room now. Try... One, two, thr... Crap," she grabbed the wall as she smeared the blood over it as she began to feel dizzy. 

"Hold it together, you can do this.. what happened? How? Stop! Not now.. Get to the bathroom and sort yourself out before... Finally! I should sit on the b..." She fell on the floor unconscious, after a few minutes she regained consciousness. "Did I just? Get up, no one is here, get to the bathroom, you can do this, your fine, just make sure no one sees you before you can,"

That night will never be forgotten in this lifetime for either Jeevika or Viren. Viren may have been miles away and have no chance of protecting her or for even having a clue during that time. Nevertheless, that guilt was enough to kill him in moments. As time progressed, the pain was lessened but never forgotten. Life moved on, days turned to weeks, week turned to months and then months turned to years. Even though her violation could never be erased from their history, after years it became history. They had a beautiful life after that, it had its vicissitudes, but they deal with it together. They were able to get through one of their darkest phases, they saw each other at their worst but with each other's love and support they made it. They could conquer the world, together.          



Edited by -Pj- - 22 February 2013 at 5:06pm

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