It was well past 3am. Sidhi was still sitting at a corner of the terrace. The tears had long disappeared - she was totally dry inside. Kunal's eyes full of hatred were still in front of her. The words, the words were all she seemed to have. But they weren't her own.
"I don't ever want to see your face again in my life."
"I just want to never become like her"
"...you can take her right now for all I care"
"..Die. I couldn't care less."
She had lost. She had really really lost. She once had love, but fate took it away from her. Now, she was a despicable person who nobody could love or want. She had nothing and nobody. Not even a hope to look forward to. The time she spent in jail, alone, in silence, came back to her. It was just as dark and lonely. For a long time she was severely depressed and was under medication. But it was still different. She had a hope. Hope that she will one day be back with her family again. With her son. With Kunal. And Kunal would love her again. That hope was worth living for. So she had fought everything - the depression, the atmosphere, the loneliness. And she'd won.
But now, now there was nothing to hope and nothing to live for. She didn't feel pain anymore, just numbness. She looked at the moon and remembered the nights she spent, on this very terrace, staring at the moon with Kunal. Today, even the moon was mocking her. Its light refused to bathe her. Even the moon found her loathsome. There was nothing left for her to fight for. Everyone she cared for had turned away. She was not a quitter, but sometimes, eventually, everyone can be beaten down by destiny into submission.
"...What is the point of my living? My children are safe in their home now and dont need me anymore. Nobody in this world wants to even see my face. For my family, Kunal, my brother, my sister...for everyone I loved...I already died 9 years ago. And if I am not alive, Abhay can't win a custody case against biological father of Anand. Even Richa would stop plotting against my family. I have only caused pain to everyone..." Sidhi thought aloud.
Yes, she had given up. She was drowning, and she was no longer trying to swim or breathe. Her fear was gone.
She decided to look at her kids and Kunal one final time and then leave their side forever. Leave them in peace.
She went downstairs inside the house. She could hear Kunal's snores. She felt glad he was back and safe. She stood at the bedroom door watching the three people she loved the most sleeping soundly. She wanted to kiss them one final time, then decided against it. She wasn't sure anymore if her touch was contagious for bad luck.
"Some day Kunal...some day hopefully you will learn the truth. Maybe then you will believe me and forgive me. I hope some day you find out that I have only loved you, with all my heart and all my honesty"
Thinking this she turned back towards the kitchen, wiping her tears. Her job was done, and she couldn't take the pain anymore. She picked up the knife and held it to her neck. One of the benefits of life in the prison was one learnt exactly where in the body could a knife cut be fatal. Suddenly thinking something, she started to walk back up towards the terrace, with the knife in hand, when she heard a scream from the room inside.
BA had woken up from a bad dream. Sidhi forgot everything, her knife dropped and she ran inside. BA was crying and Sidhi immediately rushed to his side and held him tight.
"What happened sweetheart? Hey, it's ok. It was just a dream. I am here."
BA hugged her back tight, not letting go, as if trying to hold on for his life. She gently patted his back and calmed him down
"It's okay baby. Stop crying. I am here. I love you."
Ba relaxed, and Sidhi switched on the light and got him a glass of water
"Come on, go back to sleep...shhh"Sidhi tried to make BA lie down and sleep again. As she pulled away, he tugged at her sari
"I am sorry Ma. We did not want to hurt you. We really love you."
"Shhh...it's ok beta. I know."
"Nahi Ma. I dont know why you lied to Dad, and I don't want to know. I just want you here. I want to see my parents happy and live with both of them. For years I have craved for my mother's love. I know you love me, and Anand. I love my family and I want all of you with me. I dont want to miss even a second of this" saying this, he hugged his mother tightly again.
Sidhi smiled faintly and said "And your family loves you. You'd get everything you deserve, and when you grow up, I want you and anand to be exactly like your father. Now come on, go to sleep"
BA lied down and Sidhi felt as if a small, frozen piece of her had thawed back to life. Her children may not need her, but there was still some love in her that she could give them, for as long as she could, and God knows those children deserved their mother's love.
Maybe, maybe she could hold on to that one thing and live a little bit longer. The six months she had with her kids, with her family, giving whatever love she had to them - they were worth something. At the end of it, she would have to leave and she will. She will leave the world itself, forever. But she still had something to give, and she wanted her children to have that. Yeah, peace would have to wait for her. For her children, she could live through another 6 months of hatred.
Holding on to that thought, Sidhi turned to leave the room and close the light, when she spotted blood trickling from Kunal's foot, who was still sleeping soundly in his drunker stupor. She panicked a little. Kunal's pain hurt her infinitely more than her own suffering. She immediately got some dressing and began to clean the wound. Magically, from somewhere inside her, tears had started flowing again as she applied medicine and dressed up Kunal's injury. Even though he was fast asleep, the thought of him in pain tore her apart yet another time tonight.
BA, who hadn't slept still, watched from the corner of his blanket how his mother cried like a kid tending to his father's injuries. He remembered all those years when his father had been lying in his bed, in tears or in pain. He remembered how Kunal had held him innumerable times in the middle of the night when he had a bad dream like tonight. But he also remembered missing his mother in those moments. And he also remembered the few nights when Kunal had passed out after drinking and there was noone to hold him when he woke up in the middle of the night. Sometimes Seema chachi came, sometimes she didn't. Those were the moments when he really missed his mother the most.
As he saw his mother crying silently, he knew it was love he saw in her eyes. Love for him, for his brother and for his father. He didn't understand why she had done all she had done, but he knew he never wanted to let her go and live without her again.
Kunal knew she was there somewhere around, but he hadn't seen her all day. When he woke up the kids had already left for school. Breakfast was lying on the table. His clothes were laid out. His foot had a big bandage where it still pained from the previous night. When he came back in the evening, the rest of the family was back, but she was nowhere to be seen. "Good riddance" thought Kunal. "Who wants to see her face.."
Edited by teekay - 18 December 2012 at 2:38pm