Read the findings of a study commissioned by khaps to know why, oh why, do rapes happen.

Who'd believe that a stone's throw away from India's capital, the 'law' takes a medieval turn and councils preside over how to control everything - from hormones to whom to have a conversation with - about their young adults? The khap panchayat doesn't just dispense what it believes to be justice, it loves to close a case with the final, flamboyant verdict, that all shall pay heed to (for reasons more often about incredulity than subservience, however). After all, they are the guardians of morality and have been functioning ever since Adam and Eve reproduced without marrying.

After lying low for some time, the khap sprung back into action recently, after a series of 19 rapes happened within 30 days in Haryana. They launched a new study to understand the sudden rush of testosterone in the men of Haryana. The results left people gasping. Here are the top five 'findings' from that study:

Sab chowmein ka kiya dhara hai
The study revealed that fast food, especially burgers and chowmein, was wreaking havoc with the brains of men. Thua khap panchayat leader Jitender Chhatar explained, "Chowmein leads to hormonal imbalance, evoking an urge to indulge in acts such as rape and sex. You also know the impact of chowmein, which is a spicy food, on our body. Hence, our elders too advised to eat light and nutritious food." Now, Mr Chhatar could have gotten away with it, if he had, instead of saying chow increases sex drive, said it increases calories, but sex sells na, so why talk calories? So, if junk food consumption stops, so will the rapes.

Bachpan ki pakki shaadi
"If consensual sex with a 16-year-old is not rape, why can't girls be married at 16?" asked Sube Singh Samain, spokesman of the Sarva Khap Jat Panchayat. He went on to explain his logic. "I believe this is happening because our youth is being wrongly influenced by cinema and TV. I think that girls should be married at the age of 16, so that they have their husbands for their sexual needs, and don't need to go elsewhere. This way, rapes will not occur," said Singh. Notice that nowhere is the man responsible for raping a woman - it is television or movies. The point being made by Sube is that boys and girls should be married by the time they're 16, so that they don't stray, and that will decrease rape, because, "As soon as children attain puberty, it is natural for them to have sexual desires, but when these are not fulfilled, they stray. So, there should not be any minimum age for marriage."

And the thoughtful khaps found support in former Haryana CM Om Prakash Chautala. He said that in the Mughal era, people used to marry their girls to save them from atrocities by the rulers, and currently, a similar situation was arising in the state. "I completely support the khap panchayat's decision. It is a good way to protect women," Chautala said. We'd like to believe that he only backtracked later because he was made to see the folly of his ways and not because of the hue and cry, but that's just wishful thinking.

Yeh shaadi nahi barbaadi hai
The Hindu Marriage Act is flawed. Period. Why are we resting our case here without any argument? Read on, and you'll know.

"Not having a proper social security system for women in the male-oriented society here is the cause behind the rising trend of female foeticide in Haryana. Amendment in the Hindu Marriage Act can give social security to Haryana's women and it may turn out to be a landmark move in changing the orthodox mentality of people towards girls. The Sarva khap panchayat is firm on its demand to seek an amendment to the Hindu Marriage Act to make same-gotra and same-village marriages illegal. It will also take the initiative to create awareness about the fallouts of such marriages," said Hardeep Singh, a khap representative.

"People kill their daughters out of fear that one day, they might elope with men of the same gotra. The minds of the younger generation have been corrupted by an obscene and vulgar culture. Our youngsters have forgotten the rich values and customs of our society," said Baljit Malik of Gathwala khap.

Explaining the difficulties faced by society due to such alliances, Abhay Singh of Antil khap said, "Our daughters go above us and marry the neighbour. Due to law and the police, we cannot do anything to them. If they start living in our neighbour's house after marriage, tomorrow, they will ask for property as well. And if we do not give them their share, they will move court."

And, surprise, surprise. Who knew that these results would find a supporter in the supposedly youthful politico, Naveen Jindal? "My family and I have always respected the society's traditions, customs, beliefs and culture," said Jindal, extending full support to the khaps' demand of changing the Hindu Marriage Act.

No phone, no jeans: no rape
Now, didn't your parents warn you about wasting your time on the phone when you should be studying? Well, the khaps too are saying the same, but they have a different agenda here. ( Yes, there are bigger things in life than you scoring 95%) "We should pay more attention to where our girls are going. A mobile phone is like a disease. It should be banned," says Ranvir Singh, head of the Dahiya khap. That's his solution to the increasing number of rapes in Haryana, apart from, "We should stop our girls from wearing jeans."

The jean therapy was endorsed by heads of other khaps, who said the garment ban was necessary to prevent young couples in their villages from eloping.

BSP MP Rajpal Saini also saw full logic behind the mobile view. "What I am saying is that students should not be given mobile phones. It is the age to study, and mobile phones are a distraction. Due to mobiles, they lose their way and do not focus on studies. Why do housewives and school-going girls need mobiles? It encourages them to make futile small talk and get connected with people outside their homes." And since when do housewives need to 'focus on studies'? And why do 'school-going' boys don't? Go figure.

Rape is consensual. Whaaat???!
"I don't feel any hesitation in saying that 90% of girls want to have sex intentionally, but they don't know that they'll be gangraped further, as they find some lusty and perverted people in the way. The girl has an affair with the boy, and she goes with him without knowing that he is of a criminal mindset," Congress party leader Dharamvir said, adding, "It's not the state government which is responsible for rapes." Now, the law that defines rape as any act of sexual intercourse that is forced on a person, needs changing too.

Conclusion
The study proves that junk food, jeans, mobile phones, the Hindu Marriage Act, and the victim - they're all responsible for a woman getting raped, not the man who can't keep it in his pants. Of course, you'd have to be as juvenile as the party who commissioned the study and declared the findings with aplomb, to buy it. Which, incidentally, also makes us laugh because the 'juvenile' party here essentially consists of village 'elders'. If only they'd act their age and not their shoe size. And get a life.