9.38pm: Reporting live from Bombay Airport, the aircraft carrying St. Sobti is expected to touch down shortly, and his Holy Eminence will land in India after his mega-successful global tour. The government has declared a curfew, and has put in place unprecedented security measures ...including the arrest of anyone named Rocky or Lallan.
Anyone wearing a blue bracelet will be SHOT ON SIGHT.
9.50pm: As per security measures, once St. Sobti lands, all visitors will be grouped into circles around him in order to manage the vast crowds.
1. The immediate circle around him will be restricted to VVVIP's like Star Plus execs who currently have him in a choke hold contract, and their wives and hangers-on.
2. The second circle will be for government officials up for re-election, so they can get their pictures in the papers.
3. The third circle will be for St. Sobti's family and friends.
4. The fourth circle will be for the news media.
5. If there is still legroom in the greater Bombay area to fit in people without risking them falling into the sea - then that's where the general public (including crazed fans) will be. This fifth circle might be a few degrees of latitude/longitude away from the Saint.
(Government response? When we preached population control, they should have listened)
10.04pm: The control tower just announced that the flight has been spotted on radar, and the excitement is building!
10.18pm: The aircraft is coming in for a touchdown, and the circles surge forward. The air is electric..the anticipation!
10.29pm: The doors open and the aircraft is bathed in a celestial spotlight as His Divine Eminence emerges. Everyone present falls to their knees in reverence. Or maybe due to low sugar levels.
10.40pm: The first two circles have completed their rituals of kissing his feet and posing for pictures. Circle#3 was trampled underfoot by circle#4, and is considering filing suit in a court of law.
10.55pm: Interviews by circle#4 have been completed. They were so dazzled that no one noticed (or cared) that the only phrase uttered by the Saint in response to all questions was - "longish break." 11.01pm: It just dawns on everyone that...There. Is. No. Circle#5!!! WHERE IS EVERYONE? 11.04pm: The organizers of the welcome event are panicking and making desperate phone calls. Where are the devoted fans, the hysterical teenagers, the post-menopausal women? Why hasn't the crazed fandom shown up to welcome the Saint on his triumphant return home?
11.15pm: Turns out, 4Lions released the uncut, unedited version of the farmhouse episode online earlier today. Everyone over the age of 12 is either glued to their screens thanks to dried drool, or desperately calling Star Plus demanding season 2 starting tomorrow.
Recorded Message at SP: There is no one to answer the phones - we are all at the airport. Thank you for calling, and don't bother leaving a message.