Lying about virginity - Page 2

Originally posted by: sonali_k

Hi Aparna. I believe marriage should be based on trust and respect for each other. If he did not ask her anything about it, its ok for her to not disclose it. But if he specifically asks her about it, I think its wrong of her to lie. Just imagine after marriage if he finds out, he is going to think she is a big liar and might think she conned him into marrying her. Also its not fair to the other girls who truly remain chaste and virgin for their future husbands if sl*** like that start claiming to be virgin. Everyone in our college knows what she was doing with her bf's, he just needs to ask and he will get her complete history.

Sonali like i said there are more important things than stupid "virginity" that one musn't lie in a marriage about. I don't feel women who are "saving" themselves are doing any thing special but are bunch of hypocrites.( My opinion....since others have there opinions about girls who have pre-marital sex)!

And how will he ever find out that she lost her virginity unless she tells him ??? Do you know that "tissue" some of us make such a huge deal about can break easily while playing sports or falling off a bike !!!!!

Originally posted by: Aparna_BD

As for the guy being a virgin .....WHAT PROOF DO WE HAVE HE'S A VIRGIN???????????? How do you know he told the truth ?????????😉

Even in a girl's case "Hymen" can not be the sole criteria for proving "virginity", many times it can get ruptured due to heavy physical activity.

I agree with Aparna di abt the tisssue... Even this little tissue can be repaired by an operation!! And who will know if a girl has been involved in a sexual relationship with a person .. or it was just a consequence of heavy sport/ physical activity!!! And BTW ... who will ask a successful woman athlete which accidently lost her tissue???

In this particular case, i see danger signs abt the future realtionship of these two people 😔

Originally posted by: Aparna_BD

 

I don't feel women who are "saving" themselves are doing any thing special but are bunch of hypocrites.

Dont say that😊..Just as how a woman is entitled to consummate before her marriage if she choses to,and when she can be cut all the slack ,then its as fair that a woman is entitled to  save her virginity and be a chaste woman.....

Virginity may be extremely special to some women and none of us can be judgemental about personal decisions....To me,virginity is extremely important....My parents expect me to be to be an ethical,principled,upright and truthful girl(and they are not expecting anything unreasonable out of me😊)...and i think i can do atleast that much for them...and they would feel terribly let down if I ever do anything which is wrong.......besides,saving my virginity enhances my self respect....Lying to people would definitely make me feel guilty and repentant.....and i surely cannot face my parents if i ever drink or sleep with anyone before my marriage....that would be a living death....and that,in no way,makes me a hypocrite.....Its my personal belief,that pre marital sex is wrong,as it plainly connotes concupiscence  and a lack of self restraint ..I mean,thiese things can certainly wait in life.....and i dont become a hypocrite because i hold these views😊

Consummation must be a gradual  progression in the married life....there are so many more important things,such as love,responsibility,respect,understanding etc....If someone is head over heels in love with a person,and vice versa, they can exercise some self constriant and their relationship can be a platonic one...and in my opinion,by doing so,the mutual respect that  one harbours for the other  increases manifold.....These were just my opinions😊

and lying about virginity would for sure save a woman's skin.besides,losing one's virginity entails so many other troubles....

• If the woman marries the man whom she lost her virginity to,then there are zilch troubles...

 

• if she gets married to a man who doesnt really attach a great deal of importance to virginity,then too she wouldnt have any great troubles......

 

• But if a man is particular about his wife's being a virgin,and if he questions the girl about her virginity,its then that the girl finds herself in a quandary....a) If she tells him the truth that she isnt a virgin,he might decide not to marry the girl..and If the boy is truthful and tells the girl's parents that his reason for not marrying her is that she's not a virgin,then the parents would be crestfallen ....and if this matter spreads through the grapevine,then in all possibilities the girl wouldnt find a GOOD MATCH,AND SHE MIGHT PROBABLY get married off to some kink,who would marry her only for money or for a deal of some kind.....b)If she lies to him,then she might get married to him,but if uncovers the truth later,he would lose all the respect for her...and thus eventually it would be such that she signed her own death warrant by lying to him...usually the extremely inquisitive men are the suspicious and mistrustful type,and if they uncover the truth any time later,then things would really become ugly

 

 

Edited by Buffie - 17 years ago

Originally posted by: Buffie

Dont say that😊..Just as how a woman is entitled to consummate before her marriage if she choses to,and when she can be cut all the slack ,then its as fair that a woman is entitled to  save her virginity and be a chaste woman.....

The reason i said that Buffie was to make a point that its not fair to be judgemental of a person who has pre-marital sex. Many people have used very colourfull language for such people.

 I have always advocated sex is a adult person's choice. Some people who get intimate with the people they love (irrespective of whether marriage takes place or not). They don't become in any way less of a person or less whole than a "virgin". The point is the "virgins" tend to always portray that "holier than thou" attitude all on the basis of a tissue. While there is more to being a good human being than just a "tissue". What makes a virgin feel she's on a higher moral ground ????????????

As for the man finding out about the past affair. He may find out about the relatiionship (so its better to tell the spouse).....but pray tell me how will he discover she lost her virginity before unless she herself or that guy goes and tells the husband. There are only 2 people involved in it. If the ex boyfriend is a jerk enough to say so then the wife can discredit him as a jealous liar!! This is all in the wife's hand. BUT if the husband is a jealous , suspicios guy then anyway he will any way find riddicules reasons that are unjustified to regard his wife in a jealous way.

I too know of my friends who had ex boyfriends with whom they were intimate.They couldn't marry these men . These women are in their 30's now and have children and happy marriages.The loss of virginity is not something that will come to haunt you if YOU can deal with it yourself !!

Let me end with Abhijeet Shukla's quote in another post "Morality is envy with a halo "


Edited by Aparna_BD - 17 years ago

Sex is a personal choice, and I think in today's day and age if either a woman or man expects their respective partners to be a virgin, they need to be born in the last century. Edited by ishan2003 - 17 years ago

I think that if the guy specifically asked about the question, then it seems, personally it matters to him a lot.

For one moment, lets not get into the debate of whether being a virgin is 'right' or 'wrong'..that's another issue altogether.

This all about being honest with another person, specially someone whom the girl is going to settle down with.

Now, for whatever reason, that this guy asked this girl, he expected an honest answer,without having a clue as to how to dea with it. However, the truth is, very few girls have the courage to speak out the truth,the reason being that once she tells him, it immediately spreads like a wildfire. The chances are, not only the guy would break the marriage, he would also tell the reason to all...and then the things would come back and carry on from there. The girl would be labelled loose character, and chances are, she would never get married, at least not in the 'arranged way'. Obviously she still lives in a society where lot of weightage is given on marriage. Once such a thing is out, not only she would face the ire, but her whole family would suffer from the shame of it. We can cry hoarse at the double standards of it all, the unfairness, the rediculous weightage still placed on the 'virginity' factor, but the truth is, her life just might become intolerable.we can keep screaming till our face is blue that it's not fair and shud not happen, but it's going to help nothing.

That is the reason she choose to lie, because there is not only her honour,but the honour of her whole family,depending on her one yes or no. And perhapd even her sisters or cousins, sometimes extending to friends even.

Because if the guy asked, it did mean that unless she was a virgin, he would say no. And carry tales.

Wrong? yes.It does make her a hypocrite, who can't live by the rules she made for herself, or rather broke for her pleasure or convinience.

But right for this particular circumstance? yes.

As for HIV.....well, the guy could be carrying it too. As someone said, how can one really be sure he is telling the truth??

Aparna and Minnie,
The issue here is not about virginity but about lying. This is the same girl who used to flaunt her bf and their sexescapes in the hostel. That time she did not have a care in the world. Then she dumped that bf b/c he was not "rich enough" for her family. Of course she did not tell her family that she slept with him. When she started working, she had another fling but apparently that guy also was not rich enough for her. Now this guy who her parents have found is well educated, rich, good looking. Someone any girl would like to marry. Plus he is also a virgin. So now she is changing colors like a chameleon and lying to him that she is a virgin. Basically she is someone who has no ethics and morals.
And aparna, before you call girls who are virgins "hypocrites", I want to clarify again that I have nothing against pre-marital sex. If you cannot control your urges before marriage, sure go ahead and do it. But then atleast have the guts to admit it to whosoever you plan to marry. Dont cheat some innocent person and lie to him.

Originally posted by: Minnie

I think that if the guy specifically asked about the question, then it seems, personally it matters to him a lot.

For one moment, lets not get into the debate of whether being a virgin is 'right' or 'wrong'..that's another issue altogether.

This all about being honest with another person, specially someone whom the girl is going to settle down with.

Now, for whatever reason, that this guy asked this girl, he expected an honest answer,without having a clue as to how to dea with it. However, the truth is, very few girls have the courage to speak out the truth,the reason being that once she tells him, it immediately spreads like a wildfire. The chances are, not only the guy would break the marriage, he would also tell the reason to all...and then the things would come back and carry on from there. The girl would be labelled loose character, and chances are, she would never get married, at least not in the 'arranged way'. Obviously she still lives in a society where lot of weightage is given on marriage. Once such a thing is out, not only she would face the ire, but her whole family would suffer from the shame of it. We can cry hoarse at the double standards of it all, the unfairness, the rediculous weightage still placed on the 'virginity' factor, but the truth is, her life just might become intolerable.we can keep screaming till our face is blue that it's not fair and shud not happen, but it's going to help nothing.

That is the reason she choose to lie, because there is not only her honour,but the honour of her whole family,depending on her one yes or no. And perhapd even her sisters or cousins, sometimes extending to friends even.

Because if the guy asked, it did mean that unless she was a virgin, he would say no. And carry tales.

Wrong? yes.It does make her a hypocrite, who can't live by the rules she made for herself, or rather broke for her pleasure or convinience.

But right for this particular circumstance? yes.

As for HIV.....well, the guy could be carrying it too. As someone said, how can one really be sure he is telling the truth??

first of all👏👏👏

second of all i completely agree with minnie, while it was possibly the hypocritical thing to do it was the right thing to do, because society and culture place so many undue burdens and restrictions upon women that even women who have the courage to break the mold are afraid to admit it, because they are not only affected but their families r affected. for all we know this guy is not a virgin, he cud be a himbo(male bimbo) or a man-whore and he just accepts chastity from his wife like so many (not all) of the hypocritical desi guys there r. this guy cud be really promiscuous and he cud just want a virgin wife cause he is conservative like that. This wud reflect the the double standard there is because he cud admit, oh i had a sexual relationship with my past gf and everyone wud be like "its not preferred but its ok" but watch the girl say it and she'll have loose character and loose morals and she'll be unmarriageable. so while she lied it was the smart thing to do, and perhaps the only thing if she didnt want to ruin her life and her parents' life.

I also agree with aparna that being a virgin does not put u on a higher moral ground than anyone else. Yeah u waited, but it was ur perrogative and that does not make u any less than u r but it also doesnt make u any more than u r. virginity is not the sole test of someone's morals and character, and having a hymen shud definitely not be the test that u have to pass to show ur virtues.

Edited by mkzara - 17 years ago

Originally posted by: sonali_k

 

Aparna and Minnie,
The issue here is not about virginity but about lying. This is the same girl who used to flaunt her bf and their sexescapes in the hostel. That time she did not have a care in the world. Then she dumped that bf b/c he was not "rich enough" for her family. Of course she did not tell her family that she slept with him. When she started working, she had another fling but apparently that guy also was not rich enough for her. Now this guy who her parents have found is well educated, rich, good looking. Someone any girl would like to marry. Plus he is also a virgin. So now she is changing colors like a chameleon and lying to him that she is a virgin. Basically she is someone who has no ethics and morals.
And aparna, before you call girls who are virgins "hypocrites", I want to clarify again that I have nothing against pre-marital sex. If you cannot control your urges before marriage, sure go ahead and do it. But then atleast have the guts to admit it to whosoever you plan to marry. Dont cheat some innocent person and lie to him.

I agree with you😃

Isnt feigning to be a virgin just to save one's skin and one's family honour and  thus misleading an innocent man wrong???I mean,when the man is so particular that his wife must be a virgin,and when he has mustered the guts to ask a girl  whom he had not known from adams till a few days back a very personal question,isnt he entitled to get a truthful answer ... Why must he become a victim of perfidy for no fault of his??

As I said,there are many men who do not attach any importance to virginity(such men wouldnt ask any questions in the first place),as they themselves have sown their wild oats and been promiscuous...A girl can as well reject the proposal,citing some other reason..and if her parents are too inflexible and unbending,or too cold fashioned and conservative and if the girl is not at the liberty to reject a proposal,then she should have taken cognizance of the fact that her parents are orthodox before consummating..How impregnable and sound is a relationship, which is built on a  downright mendacious  lie going to be?If by any chance(well, take the example of sonali's friend..) the groom ,scrutinizes the girl's character,and  enquires about her to her ex-friends,and if they divulge that she has has a very active sex life earlier,wouldnt it be all the more disastrous... ..How can we say that lying is irreproachable,its not only her life,but its another person's life too

Originally posted by: mkzara

second of all i completely agree with minnie, while it was possibly the hypocritical thing to do it was the right thing to do, because society and culture place so many undue burdens and restrictions upon women that even women who have the courage to break the mold are afraid to admit it, because they are not only affected but their families r affected. for all we know this guy is not a virgin, he cud be a himbo(male bimbo) or a man-whore and he just accepts chastity from his wife like so many (not all) of the hypocritical desi guys there r. this guy cud be really promiscuous and he cud just want a virgin wife cause he is conservative like that. This wud reflect the the double standard there is because he cud admit, oh i had a sexual relationship with my past gf and everyone wud be like "its not preferred but its ok" but watch the girl say it and she'll have loose character and loose morals and she'll be unmarriageable. so while she lied it was the smart thing to do, and perhaps the only thing if she didnt want to ruin her life and her parents' life.

Well, if the girl has the necessary courage to sleep with her boyfriend,very well knowing what risk it entails,she must be prepared to face the conceivable ensuing troubles..If she's so worried about her family's honour etc,she shouldnt have the taken the plunge in the first place.... and if she has,she has to face the repercussions with fortitude and moxie,rather than chickening out and lying a multitude of times to save herself from being berated and lambasted…a small mistake can prove to be the  Achilles heel and can wreak havoc in her life..Not saying that it happens to everyone,but it can happen

When my aunt was looking out for a marriage proposal for my cousin sister,she had signed up a detective(😆 ..cant believe it????FYI,there are detective agencies which are in existence only to enquire about the boys who have sent their proposal/horoscopes to girls and vice versa..They do a unbelievable job of digging out every minute detail about the boy,and the boy and his family not having a clue 😃👏😆)..and there were many times that they reported saying that the boy wasnt of unquestionable moral rectitude or that the boy is a chain smoker etcetera...so the whole point that a man can hide his mistakes isnt really true....you might say,how many really engage a detective and stuff,but it is quite possible 😃

Most of the village folk,the lower middle class and the poor dont ask such questions..its only the well to do and educated who question about virginity and stuff...so when they actually have questioned,they can also engage this detective 😉😆...

Originally posted by: mkzara

I also agree with aparna that being a virgin does not put u on a higher moral ground than anyone else. Yeah u waited, but it was ur perrogative and that does not make u any less than u r but it also doesnt make u any more than u r. virginity is not the sole test of someone's morals and character, and having a hymen shud definitely not be the test that u have to pass to show ur virtues.

THIS whole virginity issue is a very subjective one....YES,its every girl's prerogative,but there are some who want to save their virginity till their marriage,and atleast I think that they must be applauded,because they have had the will power and the self restraint to hold back....Saying that abstention from sex till marriage has no importance and its the individual's character which matters talks alot about the escapist tendency.......Some comparisons are really very ludicrous,like comparing a non-virgin to a knave and saying that she didnt do what the knave did,and thus she's a good human being....I mean,compare a girl who has an active sexual life with her BF,much against the wishes of her parents and society,and a girl who has just had a platonic relationship with her BF,abstaining from sex and devoid of all sexual proclivities..a better analogy could be drawn with a smoker..he/she definitely wouldnt become a bad person,but he/she has a weakness and isnt really strong willed,it's a foible.....similarly,comparing a teetotaller to a drunkard..The society doesnt really respect a dipsomaniac..he might be a first rate man,yet its just but obvious that people who dont know him in and out take him at face value .... the tissue certainly does not speak about one's goodness,but it speaks volumes about one's virtues,ones strong adherence to the beliefs,and one's self control ,will power and determination...

 

Edited by Buffie - 17 years ago