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Did anyone grow up with abusive Indian parents ? (Page 6)

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kablam151

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kablam151

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Posted: 10 April 2013 at 11:44pm | IP Logged
Hey Loving2011! I know I'm a little late to this thread and am not even sure you'll see this but I wanted to say I completely understand what you are talking about! I found this thread after searching the internet to see if other Indian children in the US also experienced abuse growing up. My mother was physically abusive to my sister and I and is still verbally and emotionally abuse to this day. She and my father also turned a blind eye when my older sister began to abuse me using the same tactics my mother employed. Much of my experience was very textbook but when I attempted to confront my mother and sister about it I was given a bunch of clichd excuses, the most common of which is that the abuse was cultural. That is why I took to the web to see if abuse was really prevalent among Indian parents to see if the culture theory had any weight. But yours is one of the only post or stories I have found that talk about abuse by Indian parents. More and more I see posts and articles about Indian parents who did not resort to violence or who were over controlling but not abusive. So thank you for saying something because this thread has been helpful in debunking part of the cultural use of abuse myth. Understanding that what happened was abuse and not culture has been vital to healing the damage that has collected over the past 20 years.

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OyeChupKar

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Posted: 11 April 2013 at 11:17am | IP Logged
Well my mom keeps irritating me by calling me fat. Last week to such an extent that I broke down. I am 5'5 and 50 and that's ideal Stern Smile

But my mom is FAR from abusive..!! I love her..!

--arti--

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Posted: 11 April 2013 at 3:39pm | IP Logged
I think there's different forms of abuse and pressure. Obviously sexual abuse and physical violence are pretty serious, but emotional abuse can really wreck a person over time, especially when they are young and facing it from their parents who are supposed to be on their side.

This is something small, but the other day I was at a gujju threading/waxing place in the suburbs that I always go to (the one that most women in my family and our social circle frequent) and there was a girl there who was really not much older than 13 or 14. Her mom had brought her there because she was "too hairy" and had "too many zits." I was just in shock as I heard this girl say this out loud to one of the staff. And looking at this girl and just her body language/general disposition, I could tell she had body image issues as well. I felt a little heartbroken.

I mean, I was also there for waxing and threading and all that shit too, and it's one of the contradictions in our lives about the annoying and painful things we do because of societal expectations despite knowing how stupid it all is. But it just drove me crazy the way this woman talked to her daughter. I've had to deal with scrutiny from female relatives a lot, but nothing that mean, and definitely not when I was that young.

Originally posted by kablam151

Hey Loving2011! I know I'm a little late to this thread and am not even sure you'll see this but I wanted to say I completely understand what you are talking about! I found this thread after searching the internet to see if other Indian children in the US also experienced abuse growing up. My mother was physically abusive to my sister and I and is still verbally and emotionally abuse to this day. She and my father also turned a blind eye when my older sister began to abuse me using the same tactics my mother employed. Much of my experience was very textbook but when I attempted to confront my mother and sister about it I was given a bunch of clichd excuses, the most common of which is that the abuse was cultural. That is why I took to the web to see if abuse was really prevalent among Indian parents to see if the culture theory had any weight. But yours is one of the only post or stories I have found that talk about abuse by Indian parents. More and more I see posts and articles about Indian parents who did not resort to violence or who were over controlling but not abusive. So thank you for saying something because this thread has been helpful in debunking part of the cultural use of abuse myth. Understanding that what happened was abuse and not culture has been vital to healing the damage that has collected over the past 20 years.


Glad you broke the silence. And you're right, sometimes the most helpful thing is just to know you're not alone and you're not crazy for thinking that this was abuse.


Edited by --arti-- - 11 April 2013 at 3:40pm

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Posted: 12 April 2013 at 8:35pm | IP Logged
I am sorry to hear about your situation. 

Physical abuse from a parent is a very serious issue, I think you should go straight to the cops! But please make sure there is someone elder you could talk to, like a relative/prof at school or college or a friend's parent, someone who could support you in case things turn ugly once you approach the authorities! If there is no one like that, then I am not sure what else you could do .. just hang in there and be strong! 

It's just pathetic the way things work with Indian families .. that you are not allowed to talk about what happened to you, because it will bring shame to your family .. why do people put society over their own happiness! Yes, its parampara .. family is the unit of society .. and so one family's shame will put the society to shame.. but that was the time women had to jump into the fire when their husbands died! Sure, talking about rape/abuse could lead to your family being ostracized by some relatives and friends, but there might still be those sincere ones who just care about you.. maybe its enough to have them in your life than the ones who bicker about everything you do! 

As for not telling a guy about what your parents did to you is wrong advice! In fact I think you should never keep any secrets from someone you are going to marry, if they truly love you, they will help you get over the horrors of what you went through instead of condemning you based on that! 

Emotional abuse can definitely harm you especially when you are a kid .. study/work hard and get into a school far far away from home! 

@Arti, about what you said about waxing/threading .. I was shocked to hear about someone I knew who took her 10 year old daughter for facials, that too the ones that make you fair, 'coz she was a bit dark! I have so many more examples of parents pushing their wishes on their kids. . the ones that force their kids to go to IIT coaching / dance /music classes even though their kids have no interest in them! I remember getting into a discussion with someone regarding this .. and we finally concluded that even if the initial step is taken by the parent, parents should let the child make the final decision about whether they want to do something or not! 


Edited by boreddamsel - 12 April 2013 at 9:38pm

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moomin4455

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Posted: 12 April 2013 at 10:34pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Loving2011

Looks like nobody has had the same experience! Oh well. I tried.   Now, I don't feel so bad and guilty for detaching myself from the Indian community. My parents are very angry at me and think I'm too Americanized, but I can't be around people that I can't relate to.    Even when it comes to dating Indian men, I've met quite a few that are very judgmental and condescending towards what I went through.

I know you're not looking for sympathy but I'm glad you moved away from a situation which can never be improved and which would only bring further harm. 

Have I been abused? No. My parents are some of the most wonderful parents one could ever have - despite coming from a strict background they put up with a hellion like me and accepted me completely for what I am - which is what a parent should do, in my opinion. 

I do know people who grew up with emotional and sexual abuse and they left home to escape it as soon as they could. People have had the same experiences, but many choose not to talk about it. After all in many Indian communities, if you're raped many people will blame the victim, especially if the abuser is a 'respected' individual...


Edited by moomin4455 - 12 April 2013 at 10:34pm

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Posted: 13 April 2013 at 7:53am | IP Logged
Originally posted by Loving2011

Looks like nobody has had the same experience! Oh well. I tried.   Now, I don't feel so bad and guilty for detaching myself from the Indian community. My parents are very angry at me and think I'm too Americanized, but I can't be around people that I can't relate to.    Even when it comes to dating Indian men, I've met quite a few that are very judgmental and condescending towards what I went through.

Oh sorry I didn't see this one.. Thanks Mooms for quoting it, or I would have missed it!
Good that you left India and moved to the US. Good for you!
Let them think what they want to .. at least you will have some peace of mind! 

I think you should try dating non-Indian men.. I have heard they are more mature and sensible .. Tongue (Nothing against Indian men.. at least the ones I have come across lack both! Ermm)

Ok geez.. sorry I just went through the entire post and saw that you have already been dating non-Indian men. Good for you! Don't listen to anyone. Just follow your heart! Even your parents can't force you to do anything, since you are in the US.. and please don't marry anyone if you are not remotely attracted to that person just for the sake of your parents! All they can do is fight with you. This might seem harsh, maybe you shouldn't go to India at all to visit them.. I am worried if they might force you to get married to some rich old guy, like you said! 

Tell me about it.. some of the Indians I met here are so narrow-minded .. and I used to think my family was orthodox! Shocked 


Edited by boreddamsel - 13 April 2013 at 8:04am

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Posted: 13 April 2013 at 9:37am | IP Logged
Originally posted by boreddamsel

Originally posted by Loving2011

Looks like nobody has had the same experience! Oh well. I tried.   Now, I don't feel so bad and guilty for detaching myself from the Indian community. My parents are very angry at me and think I'm too Americanized, but I can't be around people that I can't relate to.    Even when it comes to dating Indian men, I've met quite a few that are very judgmental and condescending towards what I went through.
well i have been through physical and emotional abuse and i still do. 

Oh sorry I didn't see this one.. Thanks Mooms for quoting it, or I would have missed it!
Good that you left India and moved to the US. Good for you!
Let them think what they want to .. at least you will have some peace of mind! 

I think you should try dating non-Indian men.. I have heard they are more mature and sensible .. Tongue (Nothing against Indian men.. at least the ones I have come across lack both! Ermm)

Ok geez.. sorry I just went through the entire post and saw that you have already been dating non-Indian men. Good for you! Don't listen to anyone. Just follow your heart! Even your parents can't force you to do anything, since you are in the US.. and please don't marry anyone if you are not remotely attracted to that person just for the sake of your parents! All they can do is fight with you. This might seem harsh, maybe you shouldn't go to India at all to visit them.. I am worried if they might force you to get married to some rich old guy, like you said! 

Tell me about it.. some of the Indians I met here are so narrow-minded .. and I used to think my family was orthodox! Shocked 

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