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Did anyone grow up with abusive Indian parents ? (Page 3)

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Loving2011

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Loving2011

Joined: 05 November 2012

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Posted: 08 November 2012 at 2:57pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by XVIRUS

a VERY SENSITIVE TOPIC
 in a way i can relate to u ..No i was not physically abused or anything,But my parents have certain issues with themselves and they always involve me in their fights since childhood ..My father never gave me time ,so he doesn't understand me and my mother has serious psychological issues , though both love me , But my personality is entirely different than them ..SOMEHOW i feel isolated , I am in final year of my masters ..I might leave my city ,but these two people with their issues ruined my childhood ..I will never forgive them for that .
Always remember ,You
 came in world alone , you will leave alone ..No one is more important than yourself ..Just because they are parents ..they are not GOD .In ur case certainly not...
 
Sorry to hear that and glad to hear that you are staying strong, and focusing on your career.
 
I have written forgiveness letters to my parents (for my own self), but it can take awhile to process. If I don't forgive, I will have a hard time attracting a loving partner. Not forgiving is like carrying a bag of bones, but you have the right to handle them as you wish.
 
I only started this topic just to see how common my experience was, but everyone is right that it's a delicate thing for people to talk about.  The ones with the most dysfunctional families probably won't come forward!

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Posted: 09 November 2012 at 5:04pm | IP Logged
What you have gone through is really difficult, and I really applaud you for having the courage to survive, acknowledge it, and openly talk about it. I don't think you "need counselling" or anything like that, and I hope you never let anyone condescend to you or blame you for anything.

I think there are a lot of other women like you, who are courageous and who deal with abusive situations in their own way. In your situation, you had the ability to get out of a toxic home, and that is amazing. There might be others who cannot, especially for financial reasons, and they might need other strategies to deal with their situations.

It goes without saying that gendered forms of violence, including sexual abuse, goes in in a lot of communities all over the world. It is not unique to any one ethnicity or society. Unless we are willing to examine the root causes, which include social norms that perpetuate sexism and predatory sexual behaviour, we are not going to be able to deal with social solutions to the problem. I think sometimes we need individual solutions too, but social solutions are about long-term ways of dealing with things collectively rather than in our own isolated bubbles. Women who have been subject to abuse are often in worse situations because of the isolation. It sounds like you went through a lot of that isolation, and that must have been painful too.

I have not been through what you have been through, but when I was a young child, a somewhat distant male relative sexually abused me. At the time I remember feeling very confused and troubled, and definitely bullied by this person. It made me feel weak. For years I felt ashamed and guilty, as if it was my fault, even though I objectively know it was not. It took a long time to get out of that isolation and find the courage to speak to others about it. When I finally opened up about it to other women in my family, they shared their own stories of sexual abuse by relatives or family friends/neighbours. It was really sad to think we had all been through something so horrific, but were silenced into not talking about it with one another and having a strong support network.

You've already seen that there is a lot of silence. I think the best we can do is talk, and put it out there, just like what you have done. I still can't talk about what happened with me with my male family members, including my father. I don't know why. It's like a part of me still feels embarrassed. But another part of it is the obvious sexist values that I know a lot of the men in my family hold.

But I got a lot of support from the women I spoke to, and my mom and sister both fully supported me and cut off all ties with this relative. My significant other shares my feminist values/politics, and that really helped me open up to him about it. He has been really supportive too. I think along the way, we find people who will be in solidarity with us, most importantly, with the kind of world that we want. Those people are out there too, trust me.

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moomin4455

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Posted: 09 November 2012 at 5:15pm | IP Logged
I think another thing that helps is to do what we can to raise awareness about rape in general.

There are a lot of people out there who still think that rape is a woman's fault, and that's part of the reason why we internalize blame sometimes. This has a lot to do with the stigma and shaming you experienced from your mother and your ex. Rape is about power, and nothing else.

We have to be able to call out messed up advice that women are always given about how not to get raped. Have this bookmarked:
http://www.ebony.com/news-views/stop-telling-women-how-to-not-get-raped

We need anti-rape campaigns that target young men and boys.  Campaigns that teach them from a young age how to respect women, and ultimately themselves, and to never ever be rapists.  In addition, we should implore our men and boys to call out their friends, relatives, and classmates for inappropriate behavior and create systems of accountability amongst them.


Edited by --arti-- - 09 November 2012 at 5:15pm

kavyasam

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Posted: 10 November 2012 at 8:52am | IP Logged
I had something similar to say as @Dr3vil
@TM - Your mother asking you not to talk about this to anyone is not in your interest but her own, she is guilty that she could not protect you
from the abuse and is scared to face such questions from people. Your abuser is sick, you were an easy and innocent target. You might forgive them but they will never be able to forgive themselves. even though that is not punishment enough.
They do not define any culture at all. They could have been victims or harsh punishment. In India while there are people who beat their kids it is not for everyone. My parents are very loving and protective. My aunt  would hit and be verbally abusive to her kids . It stemmed from her unhappy life. But sexual abuse from a parent is very rare.
 
Despite the ill treatment you have emerged a positive and courageous person, that speaks a lot about your personality. that is your power now. You can shun all the negative people and the guys who said it is ok.  Get back at your abusers by being successful in your career and life.  More power to you. All the best.


Edited by kavyasam - 10 November 2012 at 8:54am

SheVi4life

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Posted: 10 November 2012 at 6:04pm | IP Logged
i respect you so much
well done!
i cant even begin to imagine what you've been through. but i would like to share one thing that not all Indian people think like this ur making a generalization. my family is totally Indian and the Indian community i know is not like anything you're saying. but i think im just lucky because there are Indians who think backwardly and find ways to blame women in every situation. So i would suggest not to think like this because it'll make ur recovery harder on you. 

one thing that came to my mind was about ur mom. im not attacking her please dont take this personal but i cant believe your mom said that to you. indian or not if a mom cant support and fight the world for her child then i wont even call that person a mother.


also more than 50% of women go through this so ur not alone. not even among Indians!! I hope here on I-F ur perspective changes because so many people would understand and support you here! 

Loving2011

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Loving2011

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Posted: 12 November 2012 at 8:22am | IP Logged
Hello all,
 
I would like to thank everyone for their kind responses.  Since you all have made this a safe place for me, I would like to share a few things:
 
I'm willing to accept that there are nice Indian people out there.  I have quite a few Desi males that are respectful and protective towards women, but I also read in a blog that nice Indian men are called "joru ka ghulam?" Shocked
 
It's just that my recurring bad experiences from Indian dating/marriage sites were exhausting and frustrating, so I just needed a break.  It's not fun going on a date with some guy that turns out to be a groping pervert. It's unfortunate that some of these types try to hunt their prey on matrimonial sites.   Respecting boundaries and emotional safety is important to me, whereas my parents want me to get married to some rich old man from India.  
 
   


Edited by Loving2011 - 12 November 2012 at 8:35am

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moomin4455

tulipbaby53

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Posted: 12 November 2012 at 8:43am | IP Logged
Originally posted by Loving2011

Hello all,
 
I would like to thank everyone for their kind responses.  Since you all have made this a safe place for me, I would like to share a few things:
 
I'm willing to accept that there are nice Indian people out there.  I have quite a few Desi males that are respectful and protective towards women, but I also read in a blog that nice Indian men are called "joru ka ghulam?" Shocked
 
It's just that my recurring bad experiences from Indian dating/marriage sites were exhausting and frustrating, so I just needed a break.  It's not fun going on a date with some guy that turns out to be a groping pervert. It's unfortunate that some of these types try to hunt their prey on matrimonial sites.   Respecting boundaries and emotional safety is important to me, whereas my parents want me to get married to some rich old man from India.  
 
   

@ BOLD: No, I've heard any of the nice Indian men being called that. They usually called that if after marriage they are a "Yes, ma'am" to their wife. It's not because they are nice, but it's because according to the people using that phrase, they do not have a backbone. I don't use such phrasing, but that is what it's meant.

Also, online dating and matrimony sites are very dangerous!! My uncle did find his wife from some desi online dating, and she is a wonderful lady, but that does not happen to everyone. Even my cousin found his wife from some desi online dating, but his wife was talking about some of the weirdos she got set up with. I do not think I could do it just because people in this world are hard to trust even if you are friends with them in real life, forget an online encounter. I know though why the went through the desi online dating; to date other Indian people outside their normal group of friend and family friends. Not everyone on there is some creepy pervert, but enough of them are to keep me away from such sites.

If you really want to meet other desis, try getting involved in the local temple. See if in the Indian community if there are other Indian clubs or groups you can be involved in. You can meet some nice people through them in a public arena. I know where I live, there's a group for even desi ladies who have been or are being abused. They get help and support from other ladies leading the group.



Edited by tulipbaby53 - 12 November 2012 at 8:43am

Loving2011

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Loving2011

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Posted: 12 November 2012 at 9:00am | IP Logged
Also, online dating and matrimony sites are very dangerous!!
 
Tell my parents that! They put my ad on shaadi.com behind my back and gave out my number and photos to random Indian men. Am I the only one that thinks this is dangerous?  My parents would say "These are all rich men that we talked to on the phone. They are very good."   But, talking to someone on the phone for 15 min. isn't enough to gauge one's character. Plus, people can lie online about who they really are. How does a parent know that a man really makes 100K? 
 
 My parents know that I've met perverts on matrimonial sites and even had to call the cops on someone, yet they still think that shaadi.com is the best solution for me. 
 
To be honest,  I'm open to falling in love with someone outside of my race.  It's just that my parents are pressuring me to stick with Indians.
 
 
 
 

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