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Did anyone grow up with abusive Indian parents ? (Page 2)

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Loving2011

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Loving2011

Joined: 05 November 2012

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Posted: 07 November 2012 at 10:19am | IP Logged
Thanks everyone for your replies.  Yes, I know many people in these situations may not even realize the severity of what they're in, as they have to keep quiet and deny to protect themselves. I did the same thing for many years, until I reached out and got help. 
 
I was concerned about being blamed, because that's what I experienced. The Indian man that I dated when living with  my parents told me that it was my fault, and that I should continue to live with my parents. He was against the idea of me being on my own, despite what kind of a situation I was in. He even said that my dad isn't a bad guy and that I should be nice to him. This is an Indian man that was born and raised in America. He and my mom also said that no Indian man would want to marry me if they knew that I was sexually abused. They said that an Indian man is going to think that I willingly had sex with my dad, which I find very disturbing.   
 
Due to what my mom and Indian ex-boyfriend said, I assumed that most Indians think like them. I know I shouldn't generalize, but that's the impression I got of Indian society.
 
My mom even told me, "You have to promise me that you will never tell your Indian husband that you dad molested you. Your husband will hate you for the rest of your life."    I told her "Don't worry. I won't marry an Indian man then, so the problem is solved." 
 
 
 


Edited by Loving2011 - 07 November 2012 at 10:22am

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Forever-KA

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Posted: 07 November 2012 at 10:33am | IP Logged

Two quick comments

 
- The reaction of your mom and indian friend are two different things. Former is based on a good intention as she wants the best for you and yes there are people out there (like your friend) who think like that. The later i.e. friend's reaction is plain wrong. I just don't know how can one say that "he is not a bad guy".
 
-  Lets not generalize the issue. I am not Indian myself but I don't think based on this one example you can say anything about Indian men. Sure there might be percentage issue however I am sure there are more than enough Indian men who will understand.
 
Thinking about the past does not make the past go away. At a time point one has to move on. Once you find a positive distraction you will be ok. lol. tc 


Edited by King-Anu - 07 November 2012 at 10:33am

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Loving2011

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Loving2011

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Posted: 07 November 2012 at 1:53pm | IP Logged
King Anu-Yes, I know I shouldn't generalize. But, I'm sorry to inform you that my Indian ex is NOT the only Indian man I've met with archaic views towards women and sex.  Choosing to date outside of the Indian community is also another sensitive topic, so I will not go further into why I've made that decision.
 
Considering that I know many incest survivors with understanding husbands, I don't think it's necessary to keep it a secret.  In my life, it just so happens that the people that accept me as I am and don't judge me happen to be people that aren't South Asian.   It's human nature to go towards those that treat you well and are positive. ;)
 
 


Edited by Loving2011 - 07 November 2012 at 1:57pm

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tulipbaby53

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Posted: 07 November 2012 at 2:48pm | IP Logged
You are a brave girl for coming on an open forum and talking about an issues in your life that most people are highly uncomfortable to talk about. In this age of modern technology, it's good that you chose to come out and express yourself here when you could not find the right people to talk to in your real, everyday life (Indian-wise). Even though most people are not comfortable talking about such things on the web, your story might encourage someone else that they have the strength to get out of their situation, and they will make it out.

I do not think that you have anything to be ashamed about because YOU did not do anything wrong. The wrong-doer will pay for his sins in good time. 

I'm proud that you are living away from your parents because it seems to me that your mom is too bound and dependent to your father to really be able to support you. I don't think you should completely break ties with her though. She might need your help and support to get out too. (I don't know yours or her situation though, so I cannot judge that.)

I know you said you have met many Indian men, and they all treat say the same thing about being with your parents and being uncomfortable with your father raping you. Trust me, not all men (even Indian) think like that, but you do not have to force yourself to be around them if right now you do not want to. I just want you to know that there are different kinds of people everywhere.

You may want to join a women's group therapy session for women who have been sexually abused. You can help them cope, and they will help you cope too. If anything, your strength could inspire them and encourage you. 

Sometimes to get what we need, we have to take the path of loneliness, but that doesn't have to mean we have to feel completely alone.

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Forever-KA

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Posted: 08 November 2012 at 7:58am | IP Logged
Originally posted by Loving2011

King Anu-Yes, I know I shouldn't generalize. But, I'm sorry to inform you that my Indian ex is NOT the only Indian man I've met with archaic views towards women and sex.  Choosing to date outside of the Indian community is also another sensitive topic, so I will not go further into why I've made that decision.
 
Considering that I know many incest survivors with understanding husbands, I don't think it's necessary to keep it a secret.  In my life, it just so happens that the people that accept me as I am and don't judge me happen to be people that aren't South Asian.   It's human nature to go towards those that treat you well and are positive. ;)
 
 
 
 
The archaic view thing is subjective. People have accused me of that as well (though i disagree lol). However this is not about that. It is about tolerating an abuse and blaming the victim. There are no two opinions when it comes to that.
 
South Asians tend to be more emotional and therefore judgemental and get personal also. Westerners do not get personal much. I agree. Then again you wont find shahrukh spreading arms and singing challa in western society lol. So in the end it evens out.
 
You are a brave girl. Whats improtant is that you are happy with what you are doing. The rest does not matter.


Edited by King-Anu - 08 November 2012 at 8:00am

return_to_hades

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Posted: 08 November 2012 at 10:18am | IP Logged

I've been fortunate to never have abusive people in my life.

 

Abuse can be a very subjective thing though. Culturally, desi families have a very different perspective on love, discipline and family. My parents did smack me a couple of times. When I misbehaved or did poorly in exams, they sometimes used harsh words like stupid, hopeless, would amount to nothing. I did spend a lot of time crying and depressed after argument with parents. Similarly my grandmother used to hit my dad with a belt sometimes. My dad still loves his mom a lot, and everyone thinks she is really a sweet and caring lady. Many westerners would be shocked at these forms of discipline and label it "abuse", but we are a product of our cultures. Yes, some forms of discipline used by our families are not right, but they don't do it to be abusive, they simply don't know better. And yes even if a parent may smack children, be verbally harsh they can still unconditionally love their children. Times are changing and even Indian parents are changing, but culturally the desi perspective on love, discipline and family will be very different.

 

That being said , I'm sorry to hear that you have had an abusive family. I honestly don't know what to say or do in such a situation. I've not come across too many people in such situations. As someone mentioned earlier, I doubt you will find someone on IF who will discuss their families. Unless someone is a very close friend, I don't discuss my family and personal life. With something as sensitive and personal as abuse, I doubt people will have the courage to share it with strangers. You should seek help though. Most western countries have NGO's that specifically work with victims of abuse. Even India has several such NGO's now. They can help you connect with other victims and support groups to share your experience. That might be a more legitimate and safer way to find and connect with Indians who have suffered abuse.

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Loving2011

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Loving2011

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Posted: 08 November 2012 at 1:42pm | IP Logged
Despite being Indian or not, most abusive parents say that they love their children and will do nice things for them. It's a myth that an abuser is mean 100% of the time. There are many times where they are loving and positive, which is called the honeymoon phase.  Most abusers are in denial of their actions when confronted. 
 
 
I would like a partner that identifies with the Western definition of a healthy relationship. I can't be with a man that calls me and my kids stupid, hopeless, hits, forces,  and then justifies his behavior in the name of culture.    If someone else is okay with that kind of a relationship, then good for them.  But, that situation isn't for me. 

SmritiKatha

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Posted: 08 November 2012 at 2:29pm | IP Logged
a VERY SENSITIVE TOPIC
 in a way i can relate to u ..No i was not physically abused or anything,But my parents have certain issues with themselves and they always involve me in their fights since childhood ..My father never gave me time ,so he doesn't understand me and my mother has serious psychological issues , though both love me , But my personality is entirely different than them ..SOMEHOW i feel isolated , I am in final year of my masters ..I might leave my city ,but these two people with their issues ruined my childhood ..I will never forgive them for that .
Always remember ,You
 came in world alone , you will leave alone ..No one is more important than yourself ..Just because they are parents ..they are not GOD .In ur case certainly not...

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