Did anyone grow up with abusive Indian parents ? - Page 2

King Anu-Yes, I know I shouldn't generalize. But, I'm sorry to inform you that my Indian ex is NOT the only Indian man I've met with archaic views towards women and sex.  Choosing to date outside of the Indian community is also another sensitive topic, so I will not go further into why I've made that decision.Considering that I know many incest survivors with understanding husbands, I don't think it's necessary to keep it a secret.  In my life, it just so happens that the people that accept me as I am and don't judge me happen to be people that aren't South Asian.   It's human nature to go towards those that treat you well and are positive. ;) Edited by Loving2011 - 11 years ago

You are a brave girl for coming on an open forum and talking about an issues in your life that most people are highly uncomfortable to talk about. In this age of modern technology, it's good that you chose to come out and express yourself here when you could not find the right people to talk to in your real, everyday life (Indian-wise). Even though most people are not comfortable talking about such things on the web, your story might encourage someone else that they have the strength to get out of their situation, and they will make it out.

Originally posted by: Loving2011

King Anu-Yes, I know I shouldn't generalize. But, I'm sorry to inform you that my Indian ex is NOT the only Indian man I've met with archaic views towards women and sex.  Choosing to date outside of the Indian community is also another sensitive topic, so I will not go further into why I've made that decision.

 

Considering that I know many incest survivors with understanding husbands, I don't think it's necessary to keep it a secret.  In my life, it just so happens that the people that accept me as I am and don't judge me happen to be people that aren't South Asian.   It's human nature to go towards those that treat you well and are positive. ;)

 

 

  Edited by King-Anu - 11 years ago

I've been fortunate to never have abusive people in my life.

 

Abuse can be a very subjective thing though. Culturally, desi families have a very different perspective on love, discipline and family. My parents did smack me a couple of times. When I misbehaved or did poorly in exams, they sometimes used harsh words like stupid, hopeless, would amount to nothing. I did spend a lot of time crying and depressed after argument with parents. Similarly my grandmother used to hit my dad with a belt sometimes. My dad still loves his mom a lot, and everyone thinks she is really a sweet and caring lady. Many westerners would be shocked at these forms of discipline and label it "abuse", but we are a product of our cultures. Yes, some forms of discipline used by our families are not right, but they don't do it to be abusive, they simply don't know better. And yes even if a parent may smack children, be verbally harsh – they can still unconditionally love their children. Times are changing and even Indian parents are changing, but culturally the desi perspective on love, discipline and family will be very different.

 

That being said , I'm sorry to hear that you have had an abusive family. I honestly don't know what to say or do in such a situation. I've not come across too many people in such situations. As someone mentioned earlier, I doubt you will find someone on IF who will discuss their families. Unless someone is a very close friend, I don't discuss my family and personal life. With something as sensitive and personal as abuse, I doubt people will have the courage to share it with strangers. You should seek help though. Most western countries have NGO's that specifically work with victims of abuse. Even India has several such NGO's now. They can help you connect with other victims and support groups to share your experience. That might be a more legitimate and safer way to find and connect with Indians who have suffered abuse.

Despite being Indian or not, most abusive parents say that they love their children and will do nice things for them. It's a myth that an abuser is mean 100% of the time. There are many times where they are loving and positive, which is called the honeymoon phase.  Most abusers are in denial of their actions when confronted. 

a VERY SENSITIVE TOPIC
 in a way i can relate to u ..No i was not physically abused or anything,But my parents have certain issues with themselves and they always involve me in their fights since childhood ..My father never gave me time ,so he doesn't understand me and my mother has serious psychological issues , though both love me , But my personality is entirely different than them ..SOMEHOW i feel isolated , I am in final year of my masters ..I might leave my city ,but these two people with their issues ruined my childhood ..I will never forgive them for that .
Always remember ,You
 came in world alone , you will leave alone ..No one is more important than yourself ..Just because they are parents ..they are not GOD .In ur case certainly not...

Originally posted by: XVIRUS

a VERY SENSITIVE TOPIC
 in a way i can relate to u ..No i was not physically abused or anything,But my parents have certain issues with themselves and they always involve me in their fights since childhood ..My father never gave me time ,so he doesn't understand me and my mother has serious psychological issues , though both love me , But my personality is entirely different than them ..SOMEHOW i feel isolated , I am in final year of my masters ..I might leave my city ,but these two people with their issues ruined my childhood ..I will never forgive them for that .
Always remember ,You
 came in world alone , you will leave alone ..No one is more important than yourself ..Just because they are parents ..they are not GOD .In ur case certainly not...

What you have gone through is really difficult, and I really applaud you for having the courage to survive, acknowledge it, and openly talk about it. I don't think you "need counselling" or anything like that, and I hope you never let anyone condescend to you or blame you for anything.

I think there are a lot of other women like you, who are courageous and who deal with abusive situations in their own way. In your situation, you had the ability to get out of a toxic home, and that is amazing. There might be others who cannot, especially for financial reasons, and they might need other strategies to deal with their situations.

It goes without saying that gendered forms of violence, including sexual abuse, goes in in a lot of communities all over the world. It is not unique to any one ethnicity or society. Unless we are willing to examine the root causes, which include social norms that perpetuate sexism and predatory sexual behaviour, we are not going to be able to deal with social solutions to the problem. I think sometimes we need individual solutions too, but social solutions are about long-term ways of dealing with things collectively rather than in our own isolated bubbles. Women who have been subject to abuse are often in worse situations because of the isolation. It sounds like you went through a lot of that isolation, and that must have been painful too.

I have not been through what you have been through, but when I was a young child, a somewhat distant male relative sexually abused me. At the time I remember feeling very confused and troubled, and definitely bullied by this person. It made me feel weak. For years I felt ashamed and guilty, as if it was my fault, even though I objectively know it was not. It took a long time to get out of that isolation and find the courage to speak to others about it. When I finally opened up about it to other women in my family, they shared their own stories of sexual abuse by relatives or family friends/neighbours. It was really sad to think we had all been through something so horrific, but were silenced into not talking about it with one another and having a strong support network.

You've already seen that there is a lot of silence. I think the best we can do is talk, and put it out there, just like what you have done. I still can't talk about what happened with me with my male family members, including my father. I don't know why. It's like a part of me still feels embarrassed. But another part of it is the obvious sexist values that I know a lot of the men in my family hold.

But I got a lot of support from the women I spoke to, and my mom and sister both fully supported me and cut off all ties with this relative. My significant other shares my feminist values/politics, and that really helped me open up to him about it. He has been really supportive too. I think along the way, we find people who will be in solidarity with us, most importantly, with the kind of world that we want. Those people are out there too, trust me.

I think another thing that helps is to do what we can to raise awareness about rape in general.

There are a lot of people out there who still think that rape is a woman's fault, and that's part of the reason why we internalize blame sometimes. This has a lot to do with the stigma and shaming you experienced from your mother and your ex. Rape is about power, and nothing else.

We have to be able to call out messed up advice that women are always given about how not to get raped. Have this bookmarked:
http://www.ebony.com/news-views/stop-telling-women-how-to-not-get-raped

[quote]We need anti-rape campaigns that target young men and boys.  Campaigns that teach them from a young age how to respect women, and ultimately themselves, and to never ever be rapists.  In addition, we should implore our men and boys to call out their friends, relatives, and classmates for inappropriate behavior and create systems of accountability amongst them.[/quote] Edited by --arti-- - 11 years ago

I had something similar to say as @Dr3vil Edited by kavyasam - 11 years ago