I saw her crying on the
floor, and couldn't bear it. I went to hug her and embrace her, cursing Sheetal
with all my heart. It hurt, when she flinched but I was glad she didn't push me
away. Neither of us said anything, and the house was filled with her sobs. I
prevented myself from telling her the truth, because I knew the tears she was
shedding now would be nothing compared to what would happen later. Soon, when
her sobs did not seem to end, I picked her up and took her upstairs. Both of us
said nothing... It killed me to hear her silence, and I couldn't get myself to
say anything to her.
As soon as she hit the bed,
she rolled to her side, facing the wall, and facing away from me. Feeling
desperate, I lay next to her and pulled her by her waist, and got her closer to
me. "Are you angry with me?" I asked, dreading her answer.
"No." she said
I was surprised.
"No. I am not angry." Her
back was still towards me.
"Arnavji, I am just
shocked," she said as-a-matter-of-factly. "Don't worry about it. I will be
normal again after few minutes."
Normal? Yeah right. She
would probably PRETEND to be normal. "Khushi I am sorry." I said, tucking her
head under my chin.
"What are you feeling sorry
about?" she asked.
How I wished I could tell
her. "Nothing. Sleep Khushi."
"Sleep won't come to me
today Arnavji." she said pointedly.
"How could you Arnavji?"
she asked abruptly, turning around to face me, her eyes boring into mine.
I was surprised at her
question. "What do you mean?"
"How could you have
abandoned a pregnant woman?" she asked.
Anger coursed through me.
She was going through so much, and all she could think of was how I had left the
'oh poor Sheetal, all alone.
"Please don't ask me
questions Khushi." I said, and fell silent.
Khushi did not reply. She
turned her head away from me, and fell asleep again. Somewhere, in the back of
my mind, loking into her eyes for just a moment told me that she had made a
decision... A decision which my heart was afraid to find out.
I hoped I was taking the
right decision. I told Di that I had to go to the market to buy vegetables and
snuck out of the house. I was fighting hard not to cry. The decision I had made,
was for Aarav's good. I had seen how Aarav had become without his father... Too
emotionless for such little child. I had seen how ARNAVJI had become when his
father had abandoned him... Cold, ruthless, uncaring. I couldn't possibly let
another child go through what Arnavji had been going through when he had lost
his father's support. Aarav was a child, and he needed his father. Well, what I
was going to do, could be undone. My heart did not want me to go on, but my
brain was telling me that this was the right step. For the first time, I was
stuck in a conflict of heart-brain. Well, not a conflict, because my decision,
was final. I felt bad...Really bad. I could feel my heart breaking but what
could I do? Did I have a choice? No. I did not. Because I couldn't let a child
destroy himself with bitterness. I couldn't be the cause of an obstacle between
a father and his son.
I took an auto, and went to
the hospital with a heavy heart. My only strength was knowing Arnavji loved
-At the Hospital, in the
"Good morning Mrs Raizada!
How may I help you, and how is the little angel doing?" Mrs Jain greeted me.
I felt a lump forming in my
throat. My angel...My little darling angel...
"Mrs Raizada?" the doctor
asked again, anxious this time.
"Oh yes Doctor. Both of us
are doing quite well." I said, choking on my words.
"Where is your husband?"
she asked, looking behind me. I felt that flash of pain again... Well, Arnavji
did not know that I was pregnant so this action of mine shouldn't really matter,
"You haven't told him yet
Mrs Raizada?" she asked, confused this time.
I simply shook my head. The
moment of decision was close by. I could feel it and I clenched my fists.
"Then why-" she started to
Taking deep breaths
and trying to calm myself (unsuccessfully)I closed my fists so tightly that I
could feel my nails piercing through the skin of my palm.
words were stuck in my throat, as I tried to get them out. I had thought about
this...I would go through this. I could become a mother again, but Aarav could
never get another father... If my angel would be born, then I knew Arnavji
would not care about his firstborn Aarav AT ALL.
Thinking back on it, I
know it was an impulsive decision, but... I was a wreck, and only I know
what I had gone through back then.
steeling myself with the thought that I could become a mother again. With great
difficulty, I managed to choke out the words, "I-I don't want the baby." Then
tears streamed, unstoppably down my cheeks.