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Sneha113

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Sneha113

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Posted: 14 October 2012 at 10:34pm | IP Logged
very interesting.. suspense increasing!! do update soon Smile

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Escapist

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kaveriw2008

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Posted: 15 October 2012 at 3:59am | IP Logged
wow...kya baat hai...ye to pura ETF style hai

i like it...hey thanks for pm...it's realty become so interesting now ...keep it up

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Escapist

sashashyam

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Joined: 04 January 2012

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Posted: 19 October 2012 at 5:49am | IP Logged

My dear Fatima,

These 3 chapters form a very good opening for a crime novel. Even if it is your first in this genre, it is evident that you are no novice when it comes to writing fiction.

What I like the best, so far, is the introductory prologue, suitably italicized to differentiate it from the rest of the regular narrative. It is obviously meant to describe the last thoughts of the dying Avantika (it has to be her as there is only her dead body on the premises), and it is really chilling in what it shows of the grey depths of her innermost being. It is awful to think of someone in such despair that life has no colour and no meaning,  and death self-inflicted or not, something you have, cleverly,  left open seems a release.

The rest of the narrative is crisp and professional, and my compliments on that. In terms of descriptions that hint at hidden meanings, I would mention the sharp contrast between the vivid brightness of the living room and the 'eerie melancholy' of the bedroom. The bedroom is an intensely personal place, which almost always reflects the true personality of the inhabitant, whereas the living room is for public display, meant to project the desired image, which might be far removed from reality. Another telling point is the complete absence of family or other personal photos, which hints at Avantika's alienation from her past, something that is confirmed elsewhere in the narrative.

As this is only the beginning, I cannot say much about the plot, which is as yet like  a tightly furled umbrella. I shall look out  for the next chapter, to see how many of your cards you open up there. But I already have  a number of questions.

1) Is the 'sofa' on which Avantika is found the same as the 'chair' into which she falls back, according to the second  para in the prologue?  If not, it means that she was moved after her death whether by suicide or murder by another person.

2) As no one in the neighbouring houses heard the shot, and there was no silencer on the pistol found on the scene, it means that the TV was on at full volume, something that is also confirmed in the prologue. It follows that after Avantika's death whether she shot herself or the other person shot her,  something on which the prologue is silent this other person muted the TV set. He/she obviously did this so as not to attract the attention of the neighbours,  who might have investigated if it had gone on blaring all thru the night. It seems reasonable to conclude that this was meant to delay the discovery of the body till the next morning. The significance of this is as yet unknown.

3) Also, a .32 is  fairly large caliber pistol. If Avantika was shot/ shot herself thru the head with it, or indeed with any gun, she would have died instantly. There would have been no time for her to feel the blood streaming down the side of her face and  to realize that her consciousness was slipping away, as described in the prologue. What does  this mean as regards the nature of the shot and the location of the wound? The narrative is silent on these points, as also about the number of shots fired.

4) What time did she return to the house the previous night? The driver is said to have confirmed that he did bring her back there, but when?

5) What is meant by 'wearing a dinner dress'? In India, we do not 'dress for dinner' unless we are going out for the meal. What then does this mean that she had dressed up to receive a visitor(s)  in the evening? There seems to have been only one plate on the centre table, showing that the visitor, if any, did not join her in the meal. Does this indicate that he/she came after Avantika had finished her dinner? That would place the time of the visit fairly late.

6) There is no mention so far of any indications of the presence of another person, other than the muting of the TV. I presume they would be testing the remote control of the TV for fingerprints other than Avantika's  Even if the other person wore gloves, he/she would have smudged Avantika's earlier prints while handling the remote, and this could be detected.

7) Lastly, I could not understand why, in Chapter 2,  you say "the terrified Riya'? What is she terrified about?

This is as much as I can say at this point, and I would conclude by reiterating that it is a very good start. However, you have to update frequently if you are not to lose the momentum, which is vital in a crime story. I am sure Sookie will keep you on your toes!

All the very  best for the rest of your story, and this is as much in my interest, as a reader, as in yours as the author!

Shyamala B.Cowsik


Originally posted by Escapist

Chapter 3:

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Escapist

Escapist

Goldie

Escapist

Joined: 22 March 2010

Posts: 1472

Posted: 20 October 2012 at 9:14am | IP Logged
Originally posted by sbp1971

Nice update.

Thanks :)

Originally posted by samiya.059

Awesome work.u write beautifuly dear.update soon

Thanks :)

Originally posted by rockz.diva

hey nice part do continue Hug 

Thanks :)

Originally posted by daisydee425

good
thnks for pm

Thanks :)

Originally posted by immayurfan

story is getting interesting

Thanks :)

Escapist

Goldie

Escapist

Joined: 22 March 2010

Posts: 1472

Posted: 20 October 2012 at 9:17am | IP Logged
Originally posted by shah10

Amazing

Thanks :)
 
Originally posted by Krishnaluv94

I'm leaning towards an extremely complicated case. Can't wait to read more! Thanks for the update.

hehe..thanks  lets see if you're correct or not :)

Originally posted by Sabina_Ansari

Really really nice update...
Plz updatr soon...

Thanks :)

Originally posted by priya00147

very interesting.. suspense increasing!! do update soon Smile

Thanks :)

Originally posted by kaveriw2008

wow...kya baat hai...ye to pura ETF style hai

i like it...hey thanks for pm...it's realty become so interesting now ...keep it up

Thanks :)

Escapist

Goldie

Escapist

Joined: 22 March 2010

Posts: 1472

Posted: 20 October 2012 at 9:42am | IP Logged
Originally posted by sashashyam

My dear Fatima,

These 3 chapters form a very good opening for a crime novel. Even if it is your first in this genre, it is evident that you are no novice when it comes to writing fiction.

I really dunno what to say to this I'm grateful you felt this way coz this is my first ever experimentation in this genre and I hope I improve in my further chapters. 

What I like the best, so far, is the introductory prologue, suitably italicized to differentiate it from the rest of the regular narrative. It is obviously meant to describe the last thoughts of the dying Avantika (it has to be her as there is only her dead body on the premises), and it is really chilling in what it shows of the grey depths of her innermost being. It is awful to think of someone in such despair that life has no colour and no meaning,  and death ' self-inflicted or not, something you have, cleverly,  left open ' seems a release.

I have often seen in crime shows that they begin with what has happened and then the investigation dept is bought into picture. Though I've hardly read any crime novel, this was my primary help and I'm glad the readers could understand it was Avantika. I agree it is awful for someone to think this negatively but then again the human mind is elusive and complicated for one to fathom it can have the brightest of thoughts or the exact opposite. And it is true to both, the victim and even the attacker.  

The rest of the narrative is crisp and professional, and my compliments on that. In terms of descriptions that hint at hidden meanings, I would mention the sharp contrast between the vivid brightness of the living room and the 'eerie melancholy' of the bedroom. The bedroom is an intensely personal place, which almost always reflects the true personality of the inhabitant, whereas the living room is for public display, meant to project the desired image, which might be far removed from reality. Another telling point is the complete absence of family or other personal photos, which hints at Avantika's alienation from her past, something that is confirmed elsewhere in the narrative.

Thank you. I had similar thoughts in my mind while penning down the description of her home as it is a well known fact that people are an amalgam of public and private and hence their decor changes considerably. But, this might not usually be the case with all as some people are direct about themselves their entire home reflects them in just one tone or shade unlike Avantika's where there is a distinction. 

As this is only the beginning, I cannot say much about the plot, which is as yet like  a tightly furled umbrella. I shall look out  for the next chapter, to see how many of your cards you open up there. But I already have  a number of questions.

I hope I can answer as many I can at the moment.

1) Is the 'sofa' on which Avantika is found the same as the 'chair' into which she falls back, according to the second  para in the prologue?  If not, it means that she was moved after her death ' whether by suicide or murder ' by another person.

Well it is the same sofa, it is just a typo error of using the word chair which now that you've pointed out I've corrected. So, it clearly is a suicide till now.

2) As no one in the neighbouring houses heard the shot, and there was no silencer on the pistol found on the scene, it means that the TV was on at full volume, something that is also confirmed in the prologue. It follows that after Avantika's death ' whether she shot herself or the other person shot her,  something on which the prologue is silent ' this other person muted the TV set. He/she obviously did this so as not to attract the attention of the neighbours,  who might have investigated if it had gone on blaring all thru the night. It seems reasonable to conclude that this was meant to delay the discovery of the body till the next morning. The significance of this is as yet unknown.

I cannot comment much on this aspect at this point but you will get the motive of muting the television but whom and why in the coming chapters. 

3) Also, a .32 is  fairly large caliber pistol. If Avantika was shot/ shot herself thru the head with it, or indeed with any gun, she would have died instantly. There would have been no time for her to feel the blood streaming down the side of her face and  to realize that her consciousness was slipping away, as described in the prologue. What does  this mean as regards the nature of the shot and the location of the wound? The narrative is silent on these points, as also about the number of shots fired.

This is a good point made by you, but then again it's not necessary that if one is shot in the head there might be immediate death. Whether she was shot directly at the vital position or other can only be revealed in the complete postmortem report that is yet to arrive.

4) What time did she return to the house the previous night? The driver is said to have confirmed that he did bring her back there, but when?

The questions will again we only confirmed by the pending reports alone.

5) What is meant by 'wearing a dinner dress'? In India, we do not 'dress for dinner' unless we are going out for the meal. What then does this mean ' that she had dressed up to receive a visitor(s)  in the evening? There seems to have been only one plate on the centre table, showing that the visitor, if any, did not join her in the meal. Does this indicate that he/she came after Avantika had finished her dinner? That would place the time of the visit fairly late.

No comments as of now :)

6) There is no mention so far of any indications of the presence of another person, other than the muting of the TV. I presume they would be testing the remote control of the TV for fingerprints other than Avantika's  Even if the other person wore gloves, he/she would have smudged Avantika's earlier prints while handling the remote, and this could be detected.

Quite possible.

7) Lastly, I could not understand why, in Chapter 2,  you say "the terrified Riya'? What is she terrified about?

You might get this answer in the upcoming chapter.

This is as much as I can say at this point, and I would conclude by reiterating that it is a very good start. However, you have to update frequently if you are not to lose the momentum, which is vital in a crime story. I am sure Sookie will keep you on your toes!

I agree to this 100% but I'm down with so many assignments and more than Sookie they are what are keeping me on my toes LOL

All the very  best for the rest of your story, and this is as much in my interest, as a reader, as in yours as the author!

Thank You so much, for taking out time and reading the story and also analyzing each and every aspect. This also gave me an insight as to what I should keep in mind for further chapters. 

Shyamala B.Cowsik


Originally posted by Escapist

Chapter 3:




Edited by Escapist - 20 October 2012 at 9:46am

Escapist

Goldie

Escapist

Joined: 22 March 2010

Posts: 1472

Posted: 20 October 2012 at 9:55am | IP Logged

-Discontinued until no further notice-



Edited by Escapist - 04 July 2013 at 4:22am

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sirani07Sabina_AnsariPoonamTshona16honeey95immayurfansups2222IshqDewaanibasicquestion1srividhya68Krishnaluv94daisydee425madmadonakaveriw2008ll-Shilpa-llshah10Queen.BeeSneha113shrutisweetyDivineDarkness

DivineDarkness

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Posted: 20 October 2012 at 10:32am | IP Logged
mystery is building ... nice part continue soon...

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