FF--Discontinued until no further notice- (Page 6)

rockz.diva Goldie

Joined: 25 September 2012
Posts: 1006

Posted: 14 October 2012 at 7:19am | IP Logged
hey nice part do continue Hug

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daisydee425 Goldie

Joined: 12 April 2012
Posts: 2051

Posted: 14 October 2012 at 7:24am | IP Logged
thnks for pm

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immayurfan Goldie

Joined: 23 December 2010
Posts: 1107

Posted: 14 October 2012 at 7:55am | IP Logged
story is getting interesting

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Krishnaluv94 IF-Rockerz

Joined: 03 October 2010
Posts: 7548

Posted: 14 October 2012 at 8:48am | IP Logged
I'm leaning towards an extremely complicated case. Can't wait to read more! Thanks for the update.

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Sabina_Ansari Senior Member

Joined: 09 October 2010
Posts: 317

Posted: 14 October 2012 at 8:55am | IP Logged
Really really nice update...
Plz updatr soon...

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Sneha113 IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 30 September 2012
Posts: 14138

Posted: 14 October 2012 at 10:34pm | IP Logged
very interesting.. suspense increasing!! do update soon Smile

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kaveriw2008 IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 23 July 2012
Posts: 16368

Posted: 15 October 2012 at 3:59am | IP Logged
wow...kya baat to pura ETF style hai

i like it...hey thanks for's realty become so interesting now ...keep it up

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sashashyam IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 04 January 2012
Posts: 13765

Posted: 19 October 2012 at 5:49am | IP Logged

My dear Fatima,

These 3 chapters form a very good opening for a crime novel. Even if it is your first in this genre, it is evident that you are no novice when it comes to writing fiction.

What I like the best, so far, is the introductory prologue, suitably italicized to differentiate it from the rest of the regular narrative. It is obviously meant to describe the last thoughts of the dying Avantika (it has to be her as there is only her dead body on the premises), and it is really chilling in what it shows of the grey depths of her innermost being. It is awful to think of someone in such despair that life has no colour and no meaning,  and death – self-inflicted or not, something you have, cleverly,  left open – seems a release.

The rest of the narrative is crisp and professional, and my compliments on that. In terms of descriptions that hint at hidden meanings, I would mention the sharp contrast between the vivid brightness of the living room and the 'eerie melancholy' of the bedroom. The bedroom is an intensely personal place, which almost always reflects the true personality of the inhabitant, whereas the living room is for public display, meant to project the desired image, which might be far removed from reality. Another telling point is the complete absence of family or other personal photos, which hints at Avantika's alienation from her past, something that is confirmed elsewhere in the narrative.

As this is only the beginning, I cannot say much about the plot, which is as yet like  a tightly furled umbrella. I shall look out  for the next chapter, to see how many of your cards you open up there. But I already have  a number of questions.

1) Is the 'sofa' on which Avantika is found the same as the 'chair' into which she falls back, according to the second  para in the prologue?  If not, it means that she was moved after her death – whether by suicide or murder – by another person.

2) As no one in the neighbouring houses heard the shot, and there was no silencer on the pistol found on the scene, it means that the TV was on at full volume, something that is also confirmed in the prologue. It follows that after Avantika's death – whether she shot herself or the other person shot her,  something on which the prologue is silent – this other person muted the TV set. He/she obviously did this so as not to attract the attention of the neighbours,  who might have investigated if it had gone on blaring all thru the night. It seems reasonable to conclude that this was meant to delay the discovery of the body till the next morning. The significance of this is as yet unknown.

3) Also, a .32 is  fairly large caliber pistol. If Avantika was shot/ shot herself thru the head with it, or indeed with any gun, she would have died instantly. There would have been no time for her to feel the blood streaming down the side of her face and  to realize that her consciousness was slipping away, as described in the prologue. What does  this mean as regards the nature of the shot and the location of the wound? The narrative is silent on these points, as also about the number of shots fired.

4) What time did she return to the house the previous night? The driver is said to have confirmed that he did bring her back there, but when?

5) What is meant by 'wearing a dinner dress'? In India, we do not 'dress for dinner' unless we are going out for the meal. What then does this mean – that she had dressed up to receive a visitor(s)  in the evening? There seems to have been only one plate on the centre table, showing that the visitor, if any, did not join her in the meal. Does this indicate that he/she came after Avantika had finished her dinner? That would place the time of the visit fairly late.

6) There is no mention so far of any indications of the presence of another person, other than the muting of the TV. I presume they would be testing the remote control of the TV for fingerprints other than Avantika's  Even if the other person wore gloves, he/she would have smudged Avantika's earlier prints while handling the remote, and this could be detected.

7) Lastly, I could not understand why, in Chapter 2,  you say "the terrified Riya'? What is she terrified about?

This is as much as I can say at this point, and I would conclude by reiterating that it is a very good start. However, you have to update frequently if you are not to lose the momentum, which is vital in a crime story. I am sure Sookie will keep you on your toes!

All the very  best for the rest of your story, and this is as much in my interest, as a reader, as in yours as the author!

Shyamala B.Cowsik

Originally posted by Escapist

Chapter 3:

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