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The surname fuss: A married woman's predicament! (Page 2)

Beyond_the_Veil IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 12 February 2008
Posts: 11413

Posted: 09 October 2012 at 8:47am | IP Logged

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Polki_Zofi Senior Member

Joined: 18 October 2010
Posts: 280

Posted: 09 October 2012 at 9:05am | IP Logged
Having the husband's surname is a beautiful tradition, and there seem nothing wrong in it, unless someone wants to make it issue in a relationship. A relationship always have much to deal with, I think it should be left on people to decide what they want, and should be clear before wedding.

Men giving up their backbone is the most unpleasant thing there can be, and women giving up their brains the next worst thing. But both are common these days, as people want to jump in just as desperately and they later want to jump out. The demands and the issues they never stop, as respect for each other, tradition or tolerance is least. Such marriages will never succeed.

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Arwen. IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 30 September 2008
Posts: 13618

Posted: 09 October 2012 at 10:09am | IP Logged
Actually surnames is not THAT rigid a system here ... I mean sure there are very many families with surnames that are often passed on to the children and the spouses but its not always the case ... 

Often children are given father's first name as surname ...but there are also cases (especially with a female child) where surnames arent the same as father's name.  the wives may also take on their husband's name as a second surname but not always ... My mum didnt change hers after marriage ... in fact i dont think any of her sisters did (and many got married way back in the 60s) 

In my case ... I like my name alot ... My dad says u dont have d option changing ur surname whenever u get married LOLLOL but i dunno ... i can be superficial .. so if my future husband name has a nice ring to it, i might change Tongue 

Coming to the topic EmbarrassedLOL i agree, the choice should be given to the wife in question ... BUT sometimes its just more convenient to change ur name after marriage ... One of my friends went on a rant about all the hassle passport offices gave her bcos she hadnt changed her name ...she had to give proof of cohabitation and what not (dont really remember the details Embarrassed) I guess it depends on the country and culture in question ... places where changing surnames is very common, then it will be troublesome ... but if both systems are accepted thn may be it will be alright one way or the other ... Things are changing though .. and like all changes, i think it will be a slow process Smile

Edited by Arwen. - 09 October 2012 at 10:10am

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--arti-- Goldie

Kasturi, RKS Banner Contest Winner
Joined: 20 June 2008
Posts: 1669

Posted: 09 October 2012 at 4:23pm | IP Logged
I don't think it's a big deal. I don't see myself ever changing my name. It seems weird to me, personally. I have a couple of articles I have published and hope to be publishing more, people know me in some of the communities I am part of through my current name, and I can't imagine it any other way. But for some women, it's a really big deal, and they probably celebrate it as a chance to redefine themselves. So to each their own really.

Having said that, I do know guys who have changed their last names after marriage too, as a statement against those kinds of patriarchal expectations on the woman.

I think names are one thing, but challenging regressive gender norms in society is much harder, and much more important. Some of that socio-cultural baggage comes into each of our relationships, and I think it takes a brave woman and a brave man (in a hetero context at least) to deal with that baggage and come up with a fair and respectful way of being with one another in that relationship, and hopefully if they have children, raising them to have those progressive values.

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kavyasam IF-Rockerz

Joined: 02 July 2010
Posts: 7366

Posted: 09 October 2012 at 7:56pm | IP Logged
I didnot change mine.  Nor did my mom or my sisters.  We all still have the same surname we had before marraige.  Noone forced me and if they did I would have refused anyway.  It depends on us whether we want to or not. Some like me take it as a 'why should I change' stance and some change because they like to be known by husband's family name some change because that is just easier if it is one surname.  This last one I realised after coming to US.  They have trouble dealing with us because all three in our family have different surnames.  Just recently at Kohl's when I used my hubby's charge card, the cashier, asked why our names were different. I said I didnot change, she suggested I should get mine changed as soon as possible so it will be easier with one family name lol, I just smiled at the old  lady and came out.
It is not compulsory it is only customary so it is upto us basically

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The-Voice IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 17 October 2011
Posts: 13318

Posted: 09 October 2012 at 10:55pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Freethinker112

I don't think women should be forced to adopt surname. If you want to keep your existing surname, keep it. Smile

What is your perspective on women hailing from the rural backgrounds of India who tacitly consent to the changing of their surnames? Do they have a choice? What if a rural woman turns rebellious and goes against the odds, only to be later humiliated and killed? Are we still holding true to our notion of freedom of speech and expression then?
The-Voice IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 17 October 2011
Posts: 13318

Posted: 09 October 2012 at 10:59pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Prometeus

I dont think, a person's identity depends on a surnames...I know some people who use to say,''I liked my husband's surname more'' ...One practical difficulty, If anyone want to go outside india, or what about getting visa from outside countries ? For traveling on " spouses visa " claiming visa by virtue of her husband' s visa status , one of the cardinal points foreign countries check is whether in the visa application , husband's name has been taken by the wife a her last name or surname . If not, "spouse" visa could be refused. but she can apply separately and obtain tourist visa for limited period ...government of India shld take up this matter through diplomatic channels and incorporate the spirit of the Indian Law in respect of changing / taking names by women after marriage..Smile

The other question is, Men should be allowed to use wife's maiden surname after marriage and and even after divorce??!?!?!Big smile

That's quite an eye-opening information there, Prometeus. But despite all the types of technical difficulties you just pointed out, don't you think she'd be still obligated to having her name changed? You actually have a great point there.

Regarding male spouse name change - I'm up for it. My only question is how do men go about convincing others around  them that it's OK to change their surnames to their wives' after marriage? I'd really love to hear your opinion on that.

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The-Voice IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 17 October 2011
Posts: 13318

Posted: 09 October 2012 at 11:01pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by .Persian.Cat.

I've never liked the idea. Simply because in historical times, and probably even now, its looked upon as a sign of ownership, which makes a woman sound like a piece of property. I believe it should be one's choice, the ones that are pro changing last name should go ahead and do so, while the ones that aren't should have a choice not to.
Personally, I don't believe in these traditions and rituals, so wouldn't change mine. Unless ofcourse, the sole purpose of marrying one is their last name. ;)

But in a male-oriented society like India, isn't it usually perceived as one's submission to a higher authority - like a deity of sorts. Inasmuch as I agree with you, how would you refute this practice with respect to the deep-rooted institution of marriage?

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