Joined: 27 May 2009
We were together!
Irrational! I've called irrational many a times. People say that I don't think things through. I've been known to make impulsive decisions that more frequently than naught gets me in trouble. I go through things one day at a time without making any plans for the future. I'd say it has worked out just fine for me till date.
Things, however, not always go as smoothly. There are times when I have to make tough decisions. Trying to get over him was one such a decision. We had reached a standstill in our weird relationship. There was no reason I could persuade myself with to continue whatever that we had. We weren't in a relationship, we were just together. I mean together in the most innocent way possible. We were friends who had feelings for each other.
We've always been two very different personalities. He is a stubborn, practical and a determined person. He is very hard-working and meticulous when it comes to anything. I'm a lazy, chilled out person. I don't know how to work hard for anything and I change my mind way too often. I do things according to my convenience and usually don't prepare in advance for anything.
We were never meant to be anything more than friends. I knew that and he probably knew that too. I'm not saying it because we were different. It's because we were quite similar when it came to certain things. Love and relationships, we've both always been sceptical about these two things. He has had a few unsuccessful relationships whereas I completely steer clear of them. We've always been cynical of love and 'the forever' that people want. So, when we realized that we were never just friends we didn't quite know what to do with ourselves. For the rest of the world, we behaved like we didn't know about each other's feelings. Even when together, we barely ever talked about our feelings. We just knew and we were together. I guess our relationship or whatever is difficult to explain. We were friends and did friends like things but sometimes we were just more.
Like in movies, there comes a time when things start going downhill. I wouldn't say things went downhill for us but it wasn't quite the same. With graduation and job-hunts, we never really got enough time to talk to each other. I don't know whether we could have gotten into a relationship but he was a very important part of my life. We weren't crazy about each other. We never made proclamations about our feelings. I, however couldn't picture my life without him in it. I liked him, a lot. He knew that, I knew that and probably everybody could see that. We were volatile, not in the way couples are. We never fought over serious issues or make a mountain out of a molehill. We fought over stupid things like whether chocolate is better or ice-cream. We were volatile in the sense that we never knew where we stood with each other. With less communication came complications. I took his silence as a proof of the end of whatever we had. Since we never talked about these things I just didn't know what to do with us. We didn't see each other as much and everything became far too tiresome.
I thought I should move on. I know it's not possible to move on just because you've decided to What we had didn't quite have a future. We are still friends, very close ones at that. We still fight over silly reasons and we still tease each other like no tomorrow but we are not together anymore.
"hey", someone said from behind. I turned around to see him. I gave him a small smile.
My reply was clearly very unenthusiastic for him because he raised his eyebrow at me.
I gave a small laugh and shook my head.
"why are you sitting here alone?", he asked.
"you know. Just bored. Wasn't really in a mood to be around people.", i reply.
"oh! Feeling anti-social again huh?", he asked. I just grinned in reply.
"what are you doing here though?", I ask.
"well I didn't see you anywhere so I thought I'd check here. You always come here when you're feeling anti-social.", he told me.
I forget sometimes how much he knows me. We've been friends for a long time now and something more sometime back.
I shrug and ask, "you wanted to see me?"
He raised his eye-brows at me. I was never this blunt but I guess this time i just wanted to get over him and he wasn't doing me any favours standing there.
"I can't wish to see you?", he asked.
"of course you can. I meant why?", i say.
"I wanted to ask you something.", he said. My heart skipped a beat. It happened sometimes when he made such declarations.
"ask away.", i say.
"whats wrong?", he asked.
I looked at him confused.
"nothing's wrong. Why?", i ask.
"we've been acting all weird with each other ever since graduation. I just want to know why.", he asked. He could really be blunt sometimes.
"weird? What are you talking about? We've always been like this.", I say. I know its not true. We were better than this.
"really? You avoid me and we hardly ever talk to each other nowadays. I used to be the first one along with your bestfriend to know everything about you and now I have no idea whats going on in your life.", he said. He looked hurt and upset. I didn't want him to be upset and it hurt me to see him hurt.
"I'm not avoiding you. And we hardly ever have time to talk to each other. We are both very busy. It doesn't mean anything has changed.", I tell him. I know it's a lie but I don't want to see him hurt.
"I want us to be together.", he said.
I just stared at him wide-eyed. What else was i supposed to do? He said it so suddenly, without warning; I just didn't know how to react. I thought he wanted us be friends and move on. I assumed that's what he. I mean, we never had time for each other and we could never see each other. I didn't expect him to say that he wanted us to be together.
"say something. Please!", he said. I could see the desperation on his face. The helplessness that I've been feeling for the past few months.
"i honestly don't know what to say. I thought this was over.", i say and he looked crushed.
"oh!", he replied.
"I want to be with you. I do. I just never thought you'd want the same thing.", i try to tell him.
He looks at me with such hope that I couldn't help but lean in to hug him.
"I'm so sorry. I was stupid and irrational to give up on us. I've wanted to be with you since forever and when I didn't know where we stood I just gave up. I should've made an effort to stay, to work on us. I'm so sorry.", i say.
He pulls back from the hug and looks at me.
"I'm sorry too. I never gave any inclination that I wanted more. I took you for granted and I almost paid the price. I love you.", he said and I felt such happiness that I've never experienced in my life.
I was so stupid to not realize it before. You don't get over the person you can't leave without and its not a stupid crush if he means so much to you.
"love you too.", i say and he hugs me tightly.
"so we are together right?", he asked after a while.
I laughed and said, "ya, we are together."
We were together. This time it was for real.
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Joined: 20 November 2010
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