I-Fs Kokila Modi, I-F Crazy Creatives Head, BC Visual Effect
Joined: 24 March 2008
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I-Fs Kokila Modi, I-F Crazy Creatives Head, BC Visual Effect
Joined: 24 March 2008
Autumn MelancholyKunal wrapped a sheet around his beloved wife Kasturi's body. She was not well.
Kunal woke up feeling the sun rays on his face. He saw Kasturi sleeping like a cute baby. He touched her forehead and felt sad as she had high temperature. He did not want to wake her. He looked outside through the window. It was autumn; his favourite season. He smiled. He loved the colour change in leaves.
It was during an autumn season that he met his wife Kasturi. Their friendship grew stronger turning them into lovers.
One day Kunal proposed,
"Kasturi...I can't live without you. Will you be with me forever? Will you marry me?"
She blushed, "Yes Kunal".
He was ecstatic.
She asked him, "But will you promise me that you will be with me forever?"
Kunal answered "Yes, I promise. Our love is so deep and we'll always stay together."
Leaves were falling and Kunal felt happy and exclaimed "the tree is blessing us."
Kasturi became pale.
"No Kunal unfortunately autumn's evil eyes have fallen on us. It's a hint that we can't be together forever".
"What are you saying Kasturi?"
With tears she said,
"Leaves falling on us is a bad omen".
"No, it's such a beautiful scene."
"But my heart felt the pain of separation'.. It was during autumn that I lost my family. I cursed the moment which poured leaves on us. I am scared.
We should not have met during this season.
We should not have fallen in love during autumn.We should not have opened our hearts to each other when leaves were falling upon us."
She was crying.
Wiping her tears, Kunal said,
"No Kasturi. I believe that our life will be as beautiful as autumn.
I am happy that our love blossomed during the most beautiful season.
We will always be together."
Two years have passed.
They had a blissful life. Suddenly, Kasturi fell ill.
Her fever was getting worse making her extremely weak.
"Kasturi."He called her softly.
Kasturi was finding hard to open her eyes.
Kunal panicked seeing her condition and called the doctor home.
"Doctor...Kasturi took medicines regularly but she has high temperature", Kunal rattled.
The Doctor quietly informed,
"Sorry to say Kunal, she is suffering from pneumonia."
"Take her to hospital right away."
Kunal was shocked.
Kunal turned and saw Kasturi opening her eyes properly.
That gave him hope.
He sat near her. She shivered and mumbled, "I am having pneumonia. Right?"
Kunal could not speak and was afraid that he will burst into tears.
"Kunal...I told you...Kasturi whimpered...,
Kunal was fighting his tears.
He cupped her face in his hands.
"No. Nothing bad will happen Kasturi."
He hugged her and said "I'll get ready and we'll go to the hospital."
She nodded her head slowly.
"I know Kunal. My death is near. I can't be saved. There is no hope."
When Kunal came out he saw Kasturi was sleeping.
"You slept again? Must be tired."
He lifted her up in his arms and started walking to the car.
Suddenly he felt strange and cold. He placed her down and held her hand.
His fingers moved towards her nose to feel her breath.
But she was not breathing.
He was shocked and realized that he has lost his beloved forever.
The moment he lost Kasturi, Kunal hated this season.
He was remembering a sad song he once heard.
Leaves fell upon Kunal and Kasturi. But now'Kunal could only feel the melancholy in the air.
After a year...
Leaves falling'Kunal shed tears as it was Kasturi's first death Anniversary.
He saw a lone leaf flying and it fell on his shoulder.
He curiously took the leaf and looked. He saw Kasturi's smiling face in it.
Time has changed...may be Kunal also changed along with the time.
He thought he buried his hopes when he lost his love.
He kept the leaf close to his heart.
"My Kasturi is back to me in the form of a leaf." A sweet and sour moment:
sweet memories of her made him smile, but when he remembered her loss, sadness enveloped him.
He Was There
Neil Malhotra had been my best friend since forever. He was with me when i needed him and we were both in love, very much in love. We had met each other back in Grade 11. I was new to the high school and he was the first person I had spoken to there.
I was sitting in class waiting for the teacher to hand our tests to us so I could begin when a boy with light brown eyes, dark brown hair, and extremely cute dimples leaned over to my desk and whispered.
"Could i borrow a pencil?" He had asked with a lopsided grin. I had smiled back shyly, tucking back a strand of my long dark hair behind my ears.
"Yes." I had pulled out the most sharpest pencil I could find from my binder and handed it to him slowly just so I could stare at him for a bit longer. And as they say, asking for a pencil can either make or break a friendship. In our case, it made our friendship. Every single day during that one class, we'd sit together and make fun of the teacher. As days went by, the small crush I had on Neil turned into love. Gradually, Neil started developing feels for me as well. On my 18th birthday, he asked me out and it would be 5 years of us dating before disaster would strike. A couple months after our engagement, we found out Neil was suffering from cancer. He had went through the entire chemotherapy treatment but it seemed like there was no hope. The cancer kept coming back and Neil was so weak at this point, he had no will to go on.
"Muskaan, don't forget that I love you. If I could've, I would've fought. I would've hoped to get better but I can't anymore and I am extremely sorry for that." He had said the night I had to call the ambulance, the night he had died.
"Here." He'd said handing me an old, worn out pencil. It had scratches on the yellow with a name written into it but it was barely visible. The lead was so dull, it seemed to not even be there.
"It's the pencil you gave me in Grade 11. I had started having feelings for you the moment I saw you. I did have a pencil that day but I just needed an excuse to talk to you." He had revealed in a hoarse voice with his eyes filled with tears. I knew he was in pain, physically and emotionally. Just knowing that fact killed me from the inside. I had clung on to him, crying my heart out until he collapsed holding on to me. By the time the ambulance had arrived, it was too late.
Even now when I stare at the
pencil, i think, he was there. And now he isn't. Glancing at the pencil once more, I stepped outside the house to a pathway of fallen yellow leaves.
The Autumn Loss
He walked down the path slowly. Leaves, the colour of yellow, red, orange, green, brown, and every colour in between, crunched under his boots. He wrapped his jacket tighter around himself as he slowly arrived in open area. He looked up slowly and his eyes teared over. He still remembered it as if it was yesterday.
"Andrew!!! Andrew!!!" she yelled as she ran towards him.
"Lindsay!" Andrew yelled back.
"I've got something to tell you," when she caught up to him.
"Dad wants to meet you. He wants to discuss our marriage."
Lindsay danced away laughing at Andrew's shocked face. Andrew, recovering, said, "Tell him I'll come over whenever he wants."
Andrew brushed the tears out of his eyes. Lindsay was no longer with him. And he would have to learn to live with that. He left the park and continued his slow walk back to his apartment. Everywhere he looked he saw Lindsay.
There was the coffee shop. He had sat there so many times with Lindsay in that corner booth drinking coffee and discussing their future. He still remembered Lindsay's order. One mocha latte with caramel. Only Lindsay could have something like that. In fact they had gone there so many times that all the employees recognized them and just brought their drinks without asking. The owner had once joked that the only reason his shop was running was because of the two of them.
Andrew continued past the coffee shop. It had been a year since he had gone in there. And he would probably never go in there again. That dress across the street'Lindsay loved looking at it everyday. She used to call it the perfect autumn dress. "Andrew that green dress is so autumny. It's red, orange, and yellow beads make it just perfect. I would love to have it, but what would I do with it?"
"Lindsay if you want it, you'll get it."
Andrew remembered walking in and asking about the price of the dress to find out that it wasn't for sale. It was one of their show pieces and that's all.
Andrew reached his apartment and entered it. The first thing he saw was a photo of a laughing Lindsay. Lindsay's laughter filled his ears. He loved her laughter. He used to tell her that it reminded her of bells ringing in a church. And that would just make Lindsay laugh more.
He picked up the mail and flipped through it. At the bottom was the letter he had been waiting for. He ripped it open and read through it. His request had been accepted. He was going to Afghanistan for the war.
Andrew was a soldier. He was Major Andrew Gibbins, US Air Force. And Lindsay was his wife. Was. That stopped Andrew. He still couldn't get over it. But he would have to. Lindsay was dead and he would have to accept that. He would have to accept that it was his fault as well, even though everyone around him told him it wasn't. Even Lindsay had told him that it wasn't his fault. But he didn't believe it.He had been driving the car a year ago. It was a sunny autumn day and the two had decided to go on a picnic, but then it had started raining terribly, just as it always did in autumn. Trees started bending over because of the heavy rain and leaves were falling. Andrew had thought he would be able to get home easily, but he couldn't see. That's why he never saw the truck coming from the opposite direction as he had entered the intersection. The truck driver couldn't brake and neither could Andrew. The truck hit the passenger side dead center. Lindsay never made it to the hospital. In the ambulance she died saying, "Andrew it isn't your fault. Promise me you'll move on. Promise me you'll live for someone else. Promise me'"
And before Andrew could promise anything or say that he loved Lindsay, Lindsay stopped breathing. Her heart stopped beating and she was dead. That was last autumn's loss. And this was a new autumn. But Lindsay's loss still hurt him. And that's why he was going to Afghanistan. He had made a request of the US Air Force. He had asked that if he died his body be buried with his love, Lindsay. And the request had been granted. Andrew looked at Lindsay's photo and smiled sadly. This autumn there would be another loss.
What One Loses
She looked at the monitor and wiped away a tear. Her husband, Raghav, had been in a coma for the past 4 years. She should be used to it, but she wasn't. They had been married for only 3 months when this had all happened. Her former lover, Samar, had broken into their house and tried to kill her, but Raghav had come in between and saved her. But Samar had hit Raghav over the head with a bottle. This was the cause of Raghav's coma. Or so the police and doctors had said. But she knew that it was all her fault. She should have known that Samar wouldn't let her go so easily. And she also blamed her parents for introducing Samar to her.
She watched the tree planted outside the window. Every few seconds a leaf would fall from the tree. She started naming the colours as they fell, "Red'yellow'orange'redish yellow'Raghav I love you so much. Please come back."
Then Raghav's hand shook in hers. She looked down shocked. 4 years later, exactly on the day he had gone into a coma, he may be back. She watched as his hand tightened and that brought her out of her shock. She yelled, "DOCTOR!!!"
Two hours later'or what felt to her two centuries later'she was finally let into Raghav's room again. He was back. He was finally back. But the doctor had also given her a shocking message. He was permanently paralyzed waist down. Now she had to give him this news.
She sat down beside him and he said, "Hey girl. How long have I been out for?"
"4 years," she replied quietly.
"What?!! You're joking!"
"No Raghav. You've been in a coma for 4 years. 4 years exactly to the date."
"I've lost 4 years of my life, your life, our life?"
"No. We've lost 4 years of our life. I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because it was my fault."
"Were you one who hit me over the head?"
"But you didn't tell me about Samar. That's why you feel guilty," Raghav stated, simply.
"Sakshi look outside. What do you see?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do you remember what I told you when I first met you?"
Raghav interrupted, "I said that your smile brought autumn colours. That when you were sad it felt like a monsoon. And that when you were happy, everything started to dance around me. Do you really think that even after what I said I would be angry at you about Samar?"
"No'I love you."
"I love you too. Now when do I get to come home?"
Sakshi hesitated. Raghav caught on and asked, "What happened?"
Sakshi looked away. Raghav held her chin and brought her eyes to meet his, repeating, "What happened?"
"You're paralyzed waist down," Sakshi repeated slowly.
Raghav digested the news and then smiled slowly. "Does that change anything?"
Sakshi replied immediately, "Never. Not for me. Not for us. But I had to tell you."
"Why did you have to tell me?"
"Because I had to."
Sakshi interrupted, "Raghav I don't want you to say anything. I told you, you know, I know, and that ends it. I never want to talk about it again."
"Sakshi promise me something."
"That you'll always stay like this."
"Like the autumn that brings surprises with each of its colour. Like the rains that bring tears and joy with each of its droplets. And like the person you are who cares and loves me so much."
"I promise Raghav. I promise."
What Is Love?
Samara stretched and then jumped out of bed. She had a lot to do. Half an hour later she was sitting in front of her dresser combing her hair when she looked at the calendar and it hit her. Exactly 13 years ago on this day, her father had stopped talking to her. In fact he had broken off all ties with her. Why? Because she had killed her mother.
Oh well. Samara sighed. She had come to accept her father's hatred, but now she was all alone in the world. Before she had her Nanaji, but he was dead as well. Samara sighed again. She hadn't ever told anyone about this. For her friends, she was a bubbly and energetic person, but in reality she was tired and lost. Because she didn't have anyone.
What Samara didn't know was that her best friend and love, Mohit, was standing outside her room. He had been going in to surprise Samara, but that had seen her sad expression and had stopped. Now he was talking to Rajesh Kaka, an old employee of the house. Kaka said, "Everything was great before. You know once Samara fell down from the second step at the bottom and got a scratch on her foot. Ma'am phoned Sir and before she could tell him everything, he hung up and rushed home. And he was in Delhi at that time. He took the first flight from Delhi to Mumbai and rushed home to make sure Samara was fine. And now'"
"Why does her father hate her so much?" Mohit asked.
"He thinks that Samara killed her mother in cold blood when Samara was just trying to save her mother from a rapist. But her father has never wanted to hear the truth. This happened 13 years ago on this day. It was a lovely autumn evening. Samara's father was out and that's when all this happened."
"I'm going to make sure he finds out the truth. I've got a plan."
About an hour later, Mohit went into Samara's room who was working on her novel. Samara smiled sadly at Mohit and said, "Hey."
"Hey Samara. Why are you so sad?"
"It's that day again."
"Girl, what happened on this day? You never tell me. But this time you have to tell me. I'm not leaving without finding out."
"Samara, you never hide anything from the person you love. If you love me, you'll tell me."
"That's not fair Mohit."
"Fair shmair. Tell me."
"I killed my mom on this day," Samara replied shortly.
"That's it? There's more to it."
"What do you mean?"
"I know you. You're hiding something."
"Umm'okay. I'll tell you. I had never meant to shoot my mother. Actually my mother had had a friend Gaurav who was always eyeing me in the wrong way. One day he had tried to rape me and Mom caught him. Gaurav then tried to rape Mom. In fear, I brought out Dad's gun and shot Gaurav, but the bullet hit Mom instead. Then I shot Gaurav again and killed him. Dad, however, thought that I was a killer and had killed Mom on purpose even though court had ruled otherwise. That's all," Samara said, tears rolling down her face.
"Samara?" a voice said from the door.
Samara turned around and stared at her Dad. Mohit's plan had been to have her father hear everything straight from her mouth. It had taken him and Kaka a while to convince him, but then he had decided to give it a chance. Samara's father had heard everything Samara had said.
Samara and her father were both crying. Her father said, "Samara I never'I'm'I'I'm sorry dear. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I'm sorry."
That broke Samara. She enveloped her father in a hug and started bawling. 13 years of tears came pouring out. Mohit watched with teary eyes himself. He didn't realize what he had done until now.
After a few minutes both calmed down and then Samara turned to Mohit. "So'this was all planned by you?"
Mohit nodded. Samara hugged Mohit. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!"
"No. Thank you."
"For making me realize what love really is."
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I-Fs Kokila Modi, I-F Crazy Creatives Head, BC Visual Effect
Joined: 24 March 2008
We are supposed to write a story about autumn and its gloominess. But actually for us Bengalis its not at all supposed to be a gloomy season----you see autumn is the season when durga puja happens...something we look forward to eagerly all year. It happens in all parts of india ----navratri, dushera..diwali...everything, every occasion which defines our culture happens in autumn. Of course, its fall season...signifying the end of a year...another year of life gone to bed with each red gold sunset...ready to drop off like the driest of leaves at the first blow of winter wind. But that is i feel the whole reason of celebrating...the pujas...the harvest season...every bit of it. you see there is already so much of gloom in many lives...why not enjoy our time...bring colour when colourless and deck ourselves anew when we are scared of getting old and grey with every passing second and scarred battling against Father Time? Celebrate life...conquest o fall that is good, which reminds us to smile defyingly at our sorrows?as someone rightly said...when you cant be cheerful be as cheerful as you can.
Pujas is a time to velebrate the victory of good over evil...joy over sorrow.
For me and my family its a time to do something else...this and Christmas...the times we go and visit the nearest orphanage...gift them clothes for the pujas...whatever we and our friends can afford to. My friends and i take some of the older kids who are allowed out, out with us for pandal-hopping and have a marvellous time.
Gloom comes in...it is like a burglar...whom you do your utmost to keep out but it sneaks in when you are least expecting it. darkness is there but you can light a flame to counter it cant you?
It was depressing for me last year...i had my chartered accountancy exams coming up and believe me they are gruelling and tiresome, not to mention like having your head in a bandbox of figures and digits and balances. I had my exams in November which means in October...during the pujas i had to cram away for dear life. It was frustrating...depressed me as i knew my chances of enjoying the pujas were less than zero . most people in my class had already appeared for it in the may-june term and myself and some other fellows were to appear for it now...a minority comparatively. It was not pleasant to hear their plans for the vacations.
As expected my vacations were a murky puddle of digits accounts and mugging away at theories. I could not even go pandal- hopping properly, neither could i enjoy my leisure...because why? I had no leisure.
But there was satisfaction. Satisfaction of true and sincere hard work and the hope of getting to earn my place and stand as soon as possible on my own two feet.
My hard work was amply justified when i got my results ...i had scraped a rank!!!
Thats sort of it about autumn...gloom of hibernation...like the year is getting ready to go to bed after a long year...like we do , weary after a long hard day at work...before waking up again.
But wake up we do.
The first draught of wind, the first fall of the leaf from the familiar plant you see everyday...first thing in the morning on waking up...the horrid realisation, that its foliage is soon going to vanish...like the hairs on a soon 'to- be- bald man's head... the realisation that wintry fingers are knocking on your door...
the realisation that the robin you everyday scold for waking you up at the crack of dawn would migrate to a warmer place.
You may not see it next year.
You may not see a loved one again next year.
Life is uncertain...but life is real.
As H.W Longfellow said,
me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream ! '
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.
Life is real ! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal ;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.
Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way ;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.
Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.
In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle !
Be a hero in the strife !
Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant !
Let the dead Past bury its dead !
Act,' act in the living Present !
Heart within, and God o'erhead !
Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time ;
Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.
Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate ;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.
That says it all...whatever you feel like...get up , dress up and show up .
And AUTUMN probably teaches us that...that nothing is forever so enjoy things to the fullest while you can...and having hope...
Its not about saying goodbye...its about greeting the new-----
AFTER ALL THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
I did not write a story based on a character...its just some ramblings and i am sure all the wonderful writers on the forum will have very many outstanding pieces deserving to win. I just wrote out my take on life and how i cheer myself up. Its workable. After all our life is what we make of it not somebody else.
And whoever read this...just wanted to tell the ones who wrote in the original conversation in the notice for the competition...about a gloomy chat between friends-----
Please listen to the
song 'favourite things' from the sound of music...it works! Here's the link and
the lyrics if u want them----Raindrops
on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells
And schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melts into springs
These are a few of my favorite things
When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel...so bad...
The Darkness Of Truth
Standing besides the window gazing at the sudden onslaught of the warm winds and the shedding leaves whose burden is to be born upon by the innocent sidewalk, Aliya had an unreadable expression on her now not so innocent face.
The scene in front of her had a peculiar similarity with her life. Leaving out a gust of breath she tried calming up herself but she couldn't stop her heart from screaming Why,Why did you do this to me Azaan? All I did was trust you n give my heart and soul to you;But in return what did you do? I never in my life wished for any over the top happiness,but then when it came I welcomed it with open armsBUT THEN U'Suddenly the tears in her eyes dried up giving space to a deadly cold eyeball.
Her stable and happy go lucky going life was moving at its own pace when an Forbidden Fruit entered her life and twisted it upside down into an Heaven were each n every second was like a Dream Come True but then a sudden strong wind took away everything and left her lifeless in the same manner how these trees look without their beautiful leaves, the happiness in her life too have withered away..
Howmuchever hard she tried she couldn't help herself to forget those lovely days spent with him,even now the thought of those days brought a curve on her lips "Aliya yeh kaisa sawaal hua yaar? Now how I am supposed to express how much I love u?' "That's for u think Mr Azaan" Aliya said putting up an not so seeming anger filled face and turned her back on him, but then her curiousity took better of her and she turned back to see what he wad doing, the scene in front of her had really got her eyeballs out of her socket "Azaan damn it what the hell do u think you are doing? Few more steps and u would be down the Cliff" "Ek dil ke liye duniya de du bas itni mohobat hain"with tearful eyes she had run towards him and hugged him n spoke the words which had become the most important part of her life "I Love U Azaan" this reminded her of their confession which she was sure was not less than some dramatic bollywood movie "Aliya I Lovee U" for a few moments Aliya couldn't digest in the words she had heard n she was lost in her own thoughts when Azaans pull at her hand revived her "Aliya this is the truth I know you consider our relationship as pure friendships as, even I hadn't expected anything more than that and I promise I never had any wrong intention but I myself dint realize when my heart started considering you as its heartbeat,Aliya say something pleashee your silence is killing me Aliyaa'" "Azaaan..hmm..Azaan don't you think that we spend too much of our time together and that is what's getting your heart confused? There is a line between friendship and love'' "Aliya I don't know about any damn thing that you are speaking all I know is that my heart never felt this way for any girl a simple smile on ur face sets my heart racing and you are not the only friend I got so why is it that only u make me feel so?" "I lovee You Azaan" Aliya could see that her suddenly spoken words had set him in shock all she could do was blush n giggled at the end they both ended up laughing and hugging each other and promising their future to be complete in each others presence then the memory of the later truth pulls her back to the reality.
Azaan even though I deny it to myself, you and in front of the whole society but the truth is that I still Love You, even after knowing that the whole while you dated me u were A Married Man, who was cheating upon his wife and Maybe me too the end three words were hardly a whisper'she dint want to remember that deadly day when she came to know about this truth'.
The Last Letter
'Two to three months,' was the specialist's prognosis.
I was surprised by my reaction to it. The noise in my head was gone. The frantic pace of hope, of expectation stilled. It felt oddly peaceful as I made my way out of the hospital and into the cold October evening.
Then London knocked against me, and the world came rushing back with all its noise and confusion. Pedestrians rushed past, heads bent against the wind, their minds abstracted. What did they care about the misery of a stranger? Buses and cars trundles past, leaving me behind. They all had destinations. I did not.
I looked at the yellowing leaves that littered the pavement and the railing-bound gardens between the tall white houses, their lives cut short like mine. I spied into tall bay windows and stole glimpses into warm, lit interiors, full of happy carefree lives.
It started to rain. And with it, came the tears. Wretched, unstoppable, shameless, naked tears. And still nobody noticed a grown 45 year old man crying on the quiet pavement of this wealthy street.
Then I saw it, as I turned the corner to my office. It was lying quite still, velvet eyes staring into the distance. My first instinct was to leave, to be alone with my routine and my misery. Why should I help anyone when none could help me?
It whimpered as my foot went past its head. Her collr said Lilly, and gave a telephone number. Her leg was too badly broken, she had bled too much. Perhaps I was not meant to save her. I was a doctor, not a vet. I fixed kidneys, not bones. But I could keep a mammal alive till it could be helped. I used my brilliant mind to find a way and by the time I moved Lilly to the vet's office down the road, I had at least managed to stop the bleeding.
The vet was just leaving as we arrived.
'I don't have staff Mr--'
'Doctor. Dr Allana. Jay. I could assist you if you want?'
She looked at me under the unsparing strip lighting. I must have looked horrible-- covered in gore, and the hope stripped from my eyes. I knew the look: all terminal patients got it in the end.
But she smiled, and I saw that her smile lit up her eyes
'Ok! Let's get set up Jay! Although I have to tell you I fear it may be too late for your dog.'
'She's not my dog. I found her. The owner's info is on the collar. I'll cal them later er--'
'Sarah, I'm Sarah!'
And that was that. Two strangers working to save the life of a stranger's animal. My head hurt, the diseased tumour in it throbbing for attention. But I ignored it.
' " and together they walked back through the gateway to the Muggle world." And that's the second one,' Sarah said, as she closed the book gently. ' I'll bring the Prisoner of Azkaban in tomorrow. That's really good, you-'
'I don't think I'll be able to finish it.'
She knew what I meant. She knew me better than any human being had known be for twenty years.
I knew, even though my sight was failing now, that her glorious eyes would have dimmed at my words. My precious, lovely Sarah. So kind, so full of love' For two months, she had sat beside a dying man, making him less afraid of the dark.
I had gained my life's biggest prize so close to its end.
'I'll download the audio book for you,' she continued briskly, although I could hear the constriction in her throat. 'You'll go through it in no time!'
'No, Sarah.' I croaked. Words were difficult now. 'It has come. I know it. Patients always know. They used to tell me but I never listened. I was so proud of my brilliance and learning''
The darkness was closing in now.
'But look Jay. Look! This came into the post today. See!'
And she thrust a card near my face so I could read.
The letters were large and brightly coloured, so even I could read them.
'Thank you for fixing my dog. I love her even with three legs. Kelly Bryant, 6'
For once, the tears that Sarah wiped away from my eyes were not of despair.
And as I closed my eyes, a smile played on my pain-shrunk mouth.
The Last Autumn
As I put down my pen the Sheikha picked up her hand ' bag, gave me a hug & walked away. I stared at her hour glass figure draped in regal black making her way through the thick carpet of yellowed maple leaves which lay on the floor. She was the sort of woman who made heads turn.
I stared at my notebook & sighed. There was one extraordinary story. The story which was neither black nor white but had many shades of gray to it.
Swaleha, I can call her by that name now, because where her story begins, she is a slum girl. She is the eldest amongst the eleven children of Karim & Nazia Quadry. Being the eldest she has given up her school so that her younger brothers can study; she has shivered in the cold nights as there were never enough blankets for the entire family, she has gone many nights without food so that her parents; who are the eldest & her siblings; who are younger than her do not starve. She has also helped her mother deliver her two youngest siblings, a boy & a girl.
After a girl does so much, she acquires an almost superhuman quality in the eyes of everyone around her. This & her seductive beauty which even her rags could not conceal was probably the reason why Sheikh Khalid Azam proposed marriage to her when he first saw her cleaning up a table after a feast thrown in his honor. This was also probably the reason why her father agreed; without bothering to consult her; for even her father's failing eyesight could not have missed that the Sheikh was almost the same age as him. Or maybe her father was blinded by the Sheikhs wealth. And the Sheikh certainly was wealthy. He was into oil trade, had many properties all over the globe, had three wives & 7 children, the oldest boy was just a year older than Swaleha.
Swaleha's sisters urged her to run away, her mother advised her to swallow the diamond in her engagement ring which the Sheikh had given her. She neither had the courage to run nor could she think of ending her life.
After the marriage, she became Sheikha Swaleha Azam. She lived in a world which is beyond anybody's imagination. Khalid lavished every sort of luxury on her. She wore the best of clothes, the most expensive perfumes, travelled the whole world in just six short months. She had everything money could buy. Coming from a poor family she knew not just the cost but the value of everything that was hers today. Hence she saved up, invested her money & watched Khalid's money grow in her own name. She sent regular checks to her family so that they too could lead a comfortable life. She knew many women out there & probably some men too would call her a wh**e for selling her body for money. But when you are hungry for days on end, when you see your beloved grandpa die because you couldn't buy him medicines, when you see men leaching after your mother because she went out begging for food you tend to rethink your ideas of morality.
Swaleha admits that she may not rank high on the morality scale according to many people but today her family is living in a comfortable bungalow in Bandra. The Sheikh had always been extremely generous to her with his money. He had just one expectation from her: she should be available when he came to visit her. He wasn't bothered with how she spent the rest of her days. Her parents are living in comfort, her brothers are well settled & all her sisters are married off to the right sort of men. She is proud to have single ' handedly made the life of twelve people!
Sheikh Khalid died last week of old age, and left all his property to his four wives & their children. Swaleha doesn't pretend to mourn his loss. She liked him as an individual but could never love him. To quote Swaleha, "While the world associates autumn with gloom, for me this is the last autumn. From this day forward I am a free woman, free to do as I please what I please. I am no longer answerable to anyone, neither my father nor my husband. This is one autumn which has brought back the spring in my life!"
The DoveElizabeth hobbled out to the dustbin at the back of the house. She glared grimly at the trees, angry with them for shedding so much. Autumn just meant more work for her and at her age it was getting more & more difficult to keep her tiny yard neat. But neat it must be, because that is how Sammy liked it. She chuckled as she remembered how much Sam hated to be called Sammy. She could almost hear his angry whisper in her ear, "Don't call me Sammy!" She deposited the garbage bags in the bin & turned to head back to her house. A dove fluttered out of nowhere & perched itself on the garbage bin. She smiled & turned away.
"Don't call me Sammy!"
She whirled to look at the dove. She swore she had heard it talk. Thank God she lived alone or people would have said she was crazy.
"Hey crazy woman!"
The dove flew through the open windows of the house & went in. Elizabeth grabbed a broom & decided to go after it. She found the dove settled in front of her Sam's picture. She raised her broom to shoo it away when she heard another voice,
"Hey old crone! Will you beat me up now?"
Elizabeth hated this feeling, of almost hearing Sam. She felt so close to him, all she had to do was reach out with her hand & touch him. But when she did that there was no one there'just empty space! Tears welled up in her eyes. Tired with so much of activity she sat down in her rocking chair & leaning back closed her eyes.
"It is time for you to come with me sweetheart."
In her mind's eye she saw Sam back in school with her. They had first met as kids, fallen in love immediately & married right out of college. She remembered her wedding day as clearly as if it was just yesterday. Within a year they had been the proud parents of twins, a girl & a boy. Sam had built this house when the kids had left for college. She had always wanted a house with a garden. He had invested all his savings to build this house for her. She still remembered the way he had swept her up into his strong arms & carried her across the threshold. She smiled in her thoughts, 'her Sammy. He was a strong man!' She blushed. The dove fluttered & settled on the arm of the chair. She sighed deeply.
She felt light as a feather. She glanced at the dove flying ahead of her. She was flying now, flying like crazy to keep up with it. She glanced down, her yard was untidy. All the old leaves had abandoned the trees. They lay there lonely in her yard. Was this how she too was destined to end up? Away from her support, away her Sammy forever? When would the seasons change? When would the spring be back with its hope of new beginnings? When would she meet her Sam?
Her tired little heart fluttered like the dove that had been in her home. She turned around to see Sam standing just a foot away from her. She rushed towards him & enveloped him in a hug. Or did she float? She couldn't have cared less.
As Elizabeth's children paid their last respects to
her, she found her heart blossoming with emotions. Lizzy's children will always
talk about what made their mother blush at the time of her death. Her heart,
which had lain dormant for so long, was now ready to welcome the spring. She
would miss her children but being united for forever with the only love of your
life was a different kind of joy. Similar to the joy the parched earth feels
when the first raindrop hits her surface, the same excitement the swelling
oceans hold for the rising moon, the same satisfaction the spring brings for
everyone after a long autumn followed by a chilly winter.
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I-Fs Kokila Modi, I-F Crazy Creatives Head, BC Visual Effect
Joined: 24 March 2008
A Promise To Love You.. Till Eternity
It was an early autumn evening.. Elizabeth slowly made her way towards a nearby garden and took a seat below a huge oak tree.
silently made its way out of her eyes as she wept silently.. She did
not know when there would be an end to all her sufferings and pain. She
looked around at the almost deserted garden.. And the beautiful oak tree
under which she sat. A huge amount of its leaves had already fallen.
Just like her life..she thought.
It was one of the very rare times when she got to spend time all by herself, without even the slightest disturbance.
Though she did not want to.. She found herself engaged in thoughts of her past...
She had been blessed with an almost perfect life.. Be it her parents, friends, life or even anything else for that matter.
She had the looks too, dark brown hair and well defined features topped with silky smooth olive textured skin..
During her high school time, she just had to snap a finger for boys to literally rush towards her..
But yes.. She was taken. She was committed and again she had a perfect boyfriend that every girl dreamt of having.
Zac, the name itself still gave her the jitters. They both had been besotted by each other at the very first day of high school.. Zac being the hazel eyed hunk and newcomer and Elizabeth, the high school prom queen.
And as in every ordinary love story..
Both met, fell in love and expressed their love too..
All were of a view that their relation would not last long.. Maybe because at present there are quiet a few couples who stay together after high school..
both Zac and Elizabeth had never thought about the future that deep,
they prefered to go with the flow.. But deep inside both were very sure
about their feelings for each other.
And maybe that was the reason that despite of what others said, they were still able to stay together even after high school.. And also a year apart from each other, their bond had just grown stronger.
Again, a perfect love story that anyone could die for?
No! May no one be blessed with such a love life if what happens at end..is equal to dieing a thousand deaths! This was what Elizabeth always thought bitterly.
That no one has to face the heart wrecking pain she has had to go through.
After a year of completing their education, both Elizabeth and Zac were very much content with the placement they were offered.
And without any further delay both had thought of tieing the knot as quickly as possible.
A couple of months later, Elizabeth had also learnt that she is expecting.. Which called for a double celebration!
Since their marriage had also been fixed for the very next month..
In those days, Elizabeth had learnt how deeply Zac had grown fond of her and began to love her.
He was an orphan.. And Elizabeths entry to his life had given him much more than he ever expected.
He was not only showered with true and deep love and care but now Elizabeth had given him the world's biggest happiness by proclaiming that she was expecting their child!
In the beginning of their relation, Zac had always tried his best not to grow too found of Elizabeth.. A fear of growing too fond of her, and then losing her always haunted him..
He was not accustomed to being loved so deeply all these years, and in just this one instant he had got the happiness of the world..and also his life from this one girl.
But of lately he had completely let go of his guards and had come to grow completely fond of her, love her to no extent.. Now he was almost sure, that no matter what happens she would always stick to his side.
And even he would not think of leaving her ever..
This little feeling of insecurity was which had made Zac rush into their marriage. To which, luckily, even Elizabeth obliged and had no issues.
The days had passed in a blur, and with the wink of an eye, just a couple of days had been left for their wedding.
Elizabeth had been off to visit and invite a relative at a distant town.. Whereas Zac was quickly winding up all his office chores inorder too take a month long leave after the wedding.
Elizabeth was all set to return home the day before the wedding, and had also called up Zac informing him that she had just left town and would be boarding the train back home in an hour or so. She had ended by giving Zac the minute details of her train timings and as of when he had to pick her up.
Just when she ended the call, her phone swithed off indicating that the charge is over.
was eagerly waiting for Elizabeth's arrival.. It was after a long gap
that she had been away from him for so long and to tell that he missed
her like hell would be an understatement.
He was going restless every passing second, sometimes fussing about her safety and the rest of the time looking at tle clock which seems to be moving extra slow that day.
He decided to kill time by watching anything on t.v to deviate his mind from constant thoughts regarding Elizabeth.. Liz, was what he called her lovingly.
Just when he was browsing through the channels, his hands and body almost froze on one of the news channels.
It showed breaking news, that there had been a devastating crash between two trains that travelled on the same rail and ended up running into each other. It also showed that not even a single soul was able to escape the major accident.
had already gone numb, but with the few strands of left strenght, he
somehow managed to look at the train Liz was supposed to travel by and
that was it.. that was the last he thought sanely.
As soon as he learnt that it was indeed the same train Liz was travelling in, he collapsed on the floor, unconscious.
Elizabeth quickly made her way towards the hospital in tears, as she learnt soon after arriving at their apartment that Zac had been hospitalized. She was somehow able to make out what would have had happened and blamed herself for his condition.
She should have atleast made a call informing him that she had missed the train, and would be boarding the very next. But she had not given much thought to it.. Infact it was only after she arrived home that she learnt about the accident of the train she was supposed to travel in.
She folded her hands in silent prayer, waiting for the doctors to report Zac's health.
After a complete observation of 24 hours, the doctors finally reported his condition..
He was reportedly self paralysed due to the sudden shock he got, and now he was declared brain dead and all his muscles were paralysed. His condition was declared incurable.
This brought Liz shattering down, her life which had been so perfect so far had come crumbling down in just an instant... She was shattered from within and had no hope of living at all from that very day..
Elizabeth came out of her thoughts as she felt a leaf fall upon her..
She quickly came out of her thoughts and looked around to find it has already become dark.
She slowly wiped her tears and started walking along the garden towards the hospital...
again recalled how then only her child was the sole reason for her to
survive, the sign of their love, but fate had also snatched that
happiness from her.
She had a miscarriage due to the mental stress and shock she went through.
Now, she was in such a situation from where she could neither move on nor end her life..
Though Zac was paralysed she made sure to spend each second of her life in his presence.
But by looking at his condition, many a time, she blames herself but would still be unable to find the right means to repent!
Lost in her thoughts, an idea formed in her mind just as she entered the hospital premises. She did not want to rethink of her decision and quickly rushed into the pharmacy.
After a while, she rushed into Zac's room and stared at his frail form for a long time.
Then took out a pen and wrote a letter and kept it at the bedside table.
After having a final look at Zac, Liz made herself comfortable on the couch next to Zac's bed, and then slowly took out the kerosene injection she had brought with her and without giving any second thought she closed her eyes and injected it in her own body..
The slight pain and Zac's face what Liz finally thought of before taking the injection and paralysing herself and freezing every muscle of her body at that very second...
Later, a doctor came and looked at the two still forms of bodies in the room.
She quickly went and inspected Liz and soon enough found out what she had done...
Tears formed in her eyes thinking of the whole situation and that is when her eyes went upto the letter on the bedside table..
She slowly took it and read it..
She choked on her tears as she read its content...
It read 'Please keep me close to him Doc, and also please do me a final favour of ending my life, the very day Zac breathes his last.'
an intense feeling of deep affection.
Another autumn evening was coming to its end. Another day gone by. Sun making its way to go down, taking its light away with it leaving behind a thick blanket of darkness to cover the night sky.
She sighed and looked at the side of the park. Brown dried
leaves flitted around aimlessly. Fallen on the ground looking miserably about
as the insensitive wind swooshed them further and further from their roots.
They didn't have any control over their lives just like she had none on hers.
She was just a mere puppet of fate being swashed from one point to another.
She wished she had some control, a little bit so she could steer the life back in direction. Back to where she wanted it, back to how it was. But that wasn't happening she knew. Her life would never be the same again. She felt her heart constrict at this thought, yes life would never be the same again because he would never be with her again. He would never return. She knew that now for certainty. Any hope she had been nursing for the past one year was rudely snatched from her.
He was not coming back. Never. For he was gone too far for return. A new surge of tears made their way to her eyes. This time she did not fight them as they escaped one by one from her hazelnut eyes.
Gulping hard she tried to keep a calm appearance even as her insides broke with hurt. Yes, she was desperate. She was desperate for relief. Desperate for escape from the pain. Desperate for the long hurt to stop. Desperate for him to come back once so she could say goodbye. Desperate enough to end her life if it brought any release. So desperate for salvation.
She had been struggling for too long but now all the control she had was slowly fading. With each passing second the pain grew and she was tempted to let all go. Let her life go.
Closing her eyes she said a silent pray; asking to be released. Hoping that wherever he was now, he would be listening to her and would come find her. Yes, he would come for her.
With this final thought she picked up her belongings from the bench and started to walk away on the path carved by dead leaves leading nowhere.
Dry autumn morning greeted her as she stepped out on her porch. Slowly she looked up at the dreary morning sky where sun was creeping out from behind the fleeting clouds. Soon it will be sunny, pushing back the signs of the previous night, the sounds of the mourning would die down as the sounds of birds happily chirping will fill the air but one thing would remain the same; her broken heart.
Sighing deeply she stepped down on the ground, the dead
leaves making crunching sound as she walked on them to make her way to the
backyard. She took out a shovel from the garden hedge and started to push the
leaves away, clearing the yard. She stopped as a memory crossed her mind; it
had been a similar crisp morning a year ago but it had been a happier one, she
was smiling, he was with her. She shook her head to push the memory away and
dropping the shovel on the side went back into the house.
The kettle continued to boil the water as she sat down on the dining table staring out at the dusky sky from the window. Her mind was still clogged with memories from the past; hurtful memories. She closed her eyes to stop them but they kept playing in her mind. The kettle whistled loudly breaking her reverie. Standing up she took the cup and poured hot water in it before placing a tea bag in it. Going into the lounge she sat down on the big sofa chair facing the main door.
"Lillian I said I'm sorry."
"It doesn't change anything Derek. Just leave."
"Lillian..." he stopped his words hanging in mid air. 'I'm going.' He said with a hint of desperation in his voice. Somewhere he hoped she would stop him.
"Go, I never wish to see you again."
He paused at the door and turning around looked at her with longing eyes.
"You don't mean that do you?" There was hurt in his voice.
She closed her eyes taking every ounce of her will not to
break down before him.
"Just go." She said between clenched teeth.
She kept standing there with her back to the door; cold, detached. Finally she turned around as she heard the door click as he went away.
A shudder ran through as the memory made a way.
hard remembering how it was the worst fight they ever had in the three years
they had been together. He loved her she knew that now but she had been foolish
enough not to see it then. He had been guilty, he had made a mistake but he had
repented too. He had asked for forgiveness but she had denied him that and now
she wanted forgiveness but it was too late. She would never get that because he
will never be coming back.
A lone tear rolled down her cheek as the silent fact hit her hard again. He was never coming back. He was gone.
"Derek, I'm sorry." She whispered closing her eyes.
She hoped he had forgiven her, she knew he would have if he had survived that accident. If only they had not fought that, if only she had given him a chance they would still be together but no he was gone. And all there was left now was bitter pain and regret.
"I'm sorry." She said again before breaking down into a flood of tears. Still waiting and hoping for a chance to find forgiveness; release...
Entry#16That One Fateful Autumn
The sunrays filled the ambience, showering the whole place with a golden glow. The twilight added more effect, making it even calmer except the scratching of dry leaves that contacted with the cobbled roads of park.
The isolated metal bench was occupied by the lone girl who sat at one corner of the bench, her eyes fixated to the small stream running in front of her while her mind was numb by the reminders lying around her.
The dead leaves, the gloomy effect, the silence, the loneliness, it was all excruciating making her live the fateful moment all over again which had the capability to make her die a thousand deaths. The raw pain was still felt, the minute agonies unforgotten, as every autumn came and go.
It all started on one fine day of autumn and ended again on an autumn day snatching all the colours of her life. She sighed and looked up at the sky that appeared regal in all its glory.
She saw his face up there, smiling that signature lazy smile of his down at her, with a tint of longing. It again constricted her inners as tears threatened to spill. She closed her lids and let her head fall back as she envisioned the whole moment, again.
Adi lay on his bed, his death bed to be precise, as the ray of twilight caressed his face. The colour of his skin was pale and his naturally pink lips were parched just like how his shiny orbs lost its twinkle and how his cheeks fell hollow under cheek bones.
His state was horrifying her yet she mustered the courage to smile before him, holding his hands into hers saying the words believed to soothe him from his pain. She knew it's all going to end soon panicking her. But still her mind hasn't given up the prayer that she started on one day of the fall when they all came to know about his disease.
'Autumn...', he eyed the window as his voice broke while he fought for air.
'Yes'', she let her voice act strong as her eyes followed his out to the window.
'I.. It was autumn.. when we first met', he breathed loudly.
'And when we became friends', she tried to sound cheerful.
'And when you.. slapped me for flirting with-', unable to finish he pointed her and let out a hoarse chuckle.
'Yes, and also when you proposed me', she kept swallowing.
'And when we found I have neared the end', he smiled at her wearily. His eyes reflected the fear and she felt helpless. She gave his hands a tight squeeze to let him know that she is with him. He looked at their entwined fingers and looked straight into her eyes.
'I'm' he let out air lethargically, '' sorry'.
She felt her heart broke into pieces seeing him apologise to her. He was always stubborn not wanting to speak first but making everything to make her speak with him. She could not control it and before she knew they spilled. The tears. They always betrayed her. She looked at him questioningly as his eyes turned moist too.
'I didn't keep..up my pro..mise', he rasped.
She shook her head to make him stop. That was what she had always dreaded. The moment that would bring up the most sensual and truthful bitter facts.
'You were with me..since school. You..waited. But I never..took you beyond the position. But, I had always..wanted to..take you as my wife..but, no time..left', he admitted his desperation to live with her.
'It's not your fault, Adi', her voice broke, and 'we just didn't reached the right time. But there's a lot of time left for us. We will make it one day', she tried.
'And, it's autumn again' he said meaningfully.
He smirked at her, sadly. Suddenly, his eyes bore into hers making her heart throb frantically. It was as if he was pouring his life into hers to store it safe.
'Ad.. Adi.. I'm with you..', she ranted in tension only to find his lip curl in the corner and his gaze still.
Her fake smile flattened and it dawned on her.
He left her.
She opened her eyes, saw him still smiling from above and she returned the gesture. Somehow, she knew he is with her.
In her breath.
She quietly took her bag and walked into the rain of yellow leaves, her silhouette fading into the glow.
She would be back here again, to relive the moment, at next autumn.
As she did' every year.
Entry#17The Air Column
Master "Murphy, do you hear her? Can you see her? I hear you can see in the dark. Bark if you see her."
Murphy licked his hand. He always did that when master was tense.
Master "I always hear her voice at this time of the night. Why Murphy?"
Murphy was onto the bed. He knew that master allowed him to dirty the bed at night.
Master laid his hand on the soft belly of Murphy. Heard a gurgling noise.
Master "Did I forget to give you dinner again, Murphy? I am sorry. I forgot."
Murphy made a cooing sound. Master got up, his cane tapping the marble floor. He felt his way to the refrigerator. Opened its door and fetched a can of milk.
Master "Take me to your bowl, Murphy."
Murphy slowly tugged at the cane. Guiding it to the bowl ever so slowly so master would not slip. Master opened the can and started pouring. Murphy held the bowl in the right place so the milk would not spill much. He was a good dog who cleaned up any spilt milk after him anyway.
Master made his way back to the bed. And tried to sleep. But it managed to evade him. It always happened to him when the temperature dipped. He was not sure why. All his dreams then reminded him of her voice.
He decided to read. He opened the Bhagwat Gita and began to feel the Braille. When she had been alive she used to read to him. All the beautiful poetry. It was his life. The word of the Lord himself. But somehow the same words lacked the depth sans her voice.
He kept the book aside. And decided to take a stroll.
Master "Murphy, lets go for a walk."
Murphy looked at him strangely. It was time to sleep. But Master was his own master. Murphy just whimpered and followed.
Master opened the flat door, leaving it open. Tapping his cane, he walked on to the common balcony. Feeling the chilly air blowing on his face. Murphy kept making soft noises so Master would know where he was.
Master reached the precipice of the balcony. Dropped the cane to his sides. Outstretched his arms. Called out her name softly.
"Radha. You were supposed to be my balance. That I had demanded from God for taking my eyes. With you there in my life I did not feel the need for them. But now that God has snatched away your voice, I feel like being deaf too. For what else is there to live for. Murphy is old. He is going to die soon. Who will train a new dog for me? Who will sing me a lullaby so I can sleep without waking up? Now whenever I hear the air column through the AC shaft in this accursed flat, I feel I hear you. I cannot differentiate sounds in my sleep. May be I should just jump from here. But Murphy won't let me."
He took a deep breath. He heard the mooing of the air column again. Sounded like a pregnant cow this time. He looked downward in despair. Then he remembered the line she used to read to him everyday when she learned she had cancer.
"There has never been a time when you and I have not existed, nor will there be a time when we will cease to exist. As the same person inhabits the body through childhood, youth, and old age, so too at the time of death he attains another body. The wise are not deluded by these changes."
And then he smiled. She still existed. And it was her voice that wafted through the air column at night this autumn. Telling him that she had inhabited another body. And he had to just wait his turn to meet her again.
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Joined: 24 March 2008
The Tidal Sandclock
She wrapped the shawl around her and opened the door of her room. So many times had she felt very glad for her room being quite detached from the other rooms & having a staircase, which directly led her to the gardens. It gave her a chance to continue her daily rituals of sneaking out of her house and go to the place she loved.
She felt the chilly wind hit at her skin, giving her Goosebumps. The autumn winds ruffled her hair and whispered against her ears, as she slowly & noiselessly walked out of her home. The darkness of the night wouldn't fade away until after an hour, by when she would reach her destination. She started earlier today, because she truly wanted to be there at the beach, and watch the darkness fade away when the sunrises, she wanted to feel the positivity of it all. Today, she wanted to embrace the sunshine when she watches it.
She almost made a jog while she was just few meters away from the beach. The joy of watching the endless sea before her always made her breathless. But today, she felt a mad rush. She wanted to embrace the winds, the water, the birds, which just flew over her head.
She ran fast, not paying any heed to the sand that slowed her pace down. She let the shawl fall off her, as she ran into the coast, only to stop at the threshold. She watched as the waves ran to touch her feet, only to stop just an inch before her toes. She walked forward, just a tiny bit, wanting to feel the salty waters tingle her skin but to no avail.
This time when the waves crashed her ankles, she closed her eyes and let her head fall back, trying to imprint it in her memory.
She opened her eyes, and saw a blurred vision of the endless sea before her. She raised a hand to touch her cheeks, which now had a wet trail.
Fourteen months, fourteen bloody months have passed since the day she'd kissed him good bye. 14 months. 427 days. 1248 hours since she'd felt his arms around her. She felt like laughing at the atrocity of it all. She, of all the people had counted the time he'd been away. She, who had always been a cynic and rolled her eyes at the concept of falling in love at the first place ended up falling, and fell hard.
She opened her eyes to find herself come a little far from where she remembered she stood. She watched the waves take away a layer with them, every time they kissed her feet.
For reasons unknown, she felt herself being relaxed. She wanted to shed all her thoughts, all her inhibitions, just as she had shed the shawl behind her. She didn't want to care about the world or their sayings. She didn't want to listen to them saying that he was no more, and that he would've been back if he was alive today. She closed her ears trying to block the pitied looks & words of her friends and well-wishers. She won't believe them. She'd never. He'd be back. He should. He promised.
"I will be back, one day. Will you wait for me?" he asked at this very place, before he left her to go fight for his nation. She gave him his answer just by pressing her lips to his in a silent promise.
He pulled her close, locking her in his embrace and after an hour or mere seconds, he loosened his grip, and without another look, walked away'
She opened her eyes and found that the water touched her waist now. She looked at the skies, smiled and whispered, "I am coming"
Just as she was to close her eyes and submit herself to the aqua blue demons, she heard a faint whispering of her name. She turned around, with a pounding heart. How could she not recognize that voice? She felt her eyes fill up as she saw him after so many days. He wasn't anymore how she remembered him to be. His face held scars, he looked thin and pale, yet the reality that he stood before her safe and sound made her make a mad dash to his inviting arms. Her body shook with sobs as she finally was home.
"I am home" was all that he said and that was all that mattered.
As Long As You Love Me
Entry#22 Untitled Entry#23 Little Girl And
suddenly the swing didn't seem clear anymore.Her vision blurred by a
transluscent veil of tears.That veil which had separated her from the rest of
the world.Just like that lone swing.She adjusted the white folds of her
dupatta,holding the steel ropes which had kept the swing intact.Steadying
herself she slowly sat down on it,the slow creak a reminder of the ages it had
been left alone.She closed her eyes,a painful memory casting its spell upon
her. ** The
swing goes back and forth as the five year old giggles happily,feeling her
mother's slender hands push her lightly.Everytime the swing goes up she feels
like she is soaring up in the sky.Like reaching the top and touching the clouds to see if they are as
soft and snowy as the cotton balls they look like.And then she comes down and
her eyes take in the image of the ice cream seller on the other side of the
cream!Mumma!!''She squeals with the persistence that little children are
endowed with.Her mother tells her to come with her but the little girl doesn't want to
leave the swing.A mother,caught in the conflict is prodded on by her
daughter.She decides to just rush up there and get the ice cream. Just
a few seconds. Her
big brown eyes see her mother looking back at her as she paces towards the
stall and then they are attracted by the yellow and brown leaves falling from
the oak tree nearby.She loves the bright yellow colour.Because it matches the
colour of her frock.It is then that she feels a hand on her back.It doesn't
feel like that of her mother or father.But it is firm.She looks back in terror
and a stranger gazes down at her.He smiles and offers her a lollipop.She looks
in front to see her mother haggling with the ice cream sellar and then at the
big,red and seems tasty.She takes it with a smile from the kind stranger. As
her tongue touches the round red sweet it knows that the whole thing is going
to be delicious.She pops it in her mouth and sucks at it.Mother doesn't let her
have lollipops too often.They are harmful, she says.But this one is delicious
and now she feels like sleeping.The last thing she remembers is the stranger's
sweet smile.Sweet but sickening,as sickening as the feeling in her head. ** Nanhi
si ek jaan ne apna Bachpan,
ki maili chaadar Odh
ke soya Bebas
chup chaap roya Barso
se ye behte Aansu
tham rahe hain Dheere
her eyes in fright her shivering hands clutching at the steel ropes as a
wave of anger enveloped her mind.Anger of the little girl
hidden in the woman she had become now.Anger of the little girl who
stand the touch of strangers,strangers who were men.Those few seconds
still haunted her,refused to leave her when she slept.That smile made
like throwing up because she couldn't do anything back then. Her
feet went back and pushed the ground behind fiercely and she soared with the swing
again,higher and higher.Tears streaked down her cheeks,fighting against the force
of the wind.She felt like letting go of the ropes,ropes that bound her to this
world.The world which had those sickeningly sweet strangers,who made women feel
like the vulnerable little girl she had been. The
little girl who never got her childhood back again. She
came down,her feet scraping against the ground as they ruined the perfect carpet
of leaves. The
little girl who was scared of autumn ever since.Who never saw the yellow leaves
in the same way ever again. Chura
ke khud se Aankhen
pal jiya Zeher
jo usne ghola Maine
woh piya Chuppi
ke, aad mein Chhipkar
usne jurm kiya.. Zubaan
par laga wo Tala
khul raha hai Dheere
hauley Entry#24 Words Left Unspoken
Yeah dooriyaan... Fanah ho subhi dooriyaan...
Sara and Sana were two sisters... Single and childless...and their weakness... Kids... They were very happy with their lives... They had everything and were thankful to God for what they did have and didn't have...
One day a relatives daughter needed help... She had a two year old name Zara and she was pregnant with another child... Her husband was waiting for his green card... So he could come and take care of this family...
Sara and Sana couldn't refuse to help... They went out of their in helping Mona and Zara...Mona was very nice and friendly with Sara n Sana... Respecting n loving them...
N soon Zoya was born... A bundle of joy for them... Sara had a habit of sleeping late so. She would stay up whole night looking after baby Zoya... They were so attached to both the little girls that they though them to be theirs... Mona started working full time and so the responsibility of both girls fell on Sara and Sana... And they didn't mind it at all... They loved it...
Time passed so fast... The kids started growing up... Zoya at two would wake up early in the morning n would run to Sara's room.. Crying... I want milk... And sara would jump out from her bed n ask Zoya... Did Sara said she wouldn't get u milk? N Zoya would reply... No...
Sara... So... N then they both would smile and walk to the kitchen... The two sisters lives were like spring...
Zoya and Zara both use to sleep with Sana... They both loved them dearly... They would pray together that their father comes to USA soon... And one day God heard them... His papers got accepted... But Mona didn't tell this to Sara n Sana... She went and rented a room and decorated it... N the day her husband was suppose to arrive... She came home and packed her bags... And when Sara and Sana came home from their usual drive with the kids... They were shocked to see every sign of Mona and the kids removed from the house...
Mona... I'm moving out and my husband doesn't want anything to do with you guys.. They are our kids... not yours...you dont have any rights on them,...And took the kids and left...leaving the two sisters in awe...
Now the sisters only have the kids memories... Mona lives happily with her husband about two miles from their house... But they are not allowed to meet them... Both the sisters cry for their two bundle of joy... But they can't meet them... The father doesn't approve... Why God knows... The sisters never asked for rent or what ever they spend on the kids or Mona but still... Their spring has turned to autumn for life... Every sad song, ever second reminds them of their babies... Missing their smiles and the sweet kisses and the tight hug the little one would give...They missed the babies 24/7... They tried to patch up..but Mona says this will break up my house... They dont want that...
The emptiness of the house ate at them...They decided to adopt a baby...but then they thought... If God had wanted them to have one... He would have given it to them...
Everyday they pray for the two babies health and prosperity n success n for a miracle... So they could meet... Meet anywhere... At a restaurant or shopping center... Time shall heal them... But for now they suffer... Their hearts hurting and their eyes watery... for a single sight or to hear their voice ...of their bundle of joys...
And suddenly the swing didn't seem clear anymore.Her vision blurred by a transluscent veil of tears.That veil which had separated her from the rest of the world.Just like that lone swing.She adjusted the white folds of her dupatta,holding the steel ropes which had kept the swing intact.Steadying herself she slowly sat down on it,the slow creak a reminder of the ages it had been left alone.She closed her eyes,a painful memory casting its spell upon her.
The swing goes back and forth as the five year old giggles happily,feeling her mother's slender hands push her lightly.Everytime the swing goes up she feels like she is soaring up in the sky.Like reaching the top and touching the clouds to see if they are as soft and snowy as the cotton balls they look like.And then she comes down and her eyes take in the image of the ice cream seller on the other side of the park.
''Ice cream!Mumma!!''She squeals with the persistence that little children are endowed with.Her mother tells her to come with her but the little girl doesn't want to leave the swing.A mother,caught in the conflict is prodded on by her daughter.She decides to just rush up there and get the ice cream.
Just a few seconds.
Her big brown eyes see her mother looking back at her as she paces towards the stall and then they are attracted by the yellow and brown leaves falling from the oak tree nearby.She loves the bright yellow colour.Because it matches the colour of her frock.It is then that she feels a hand on her back.It doesn't feel like that of her mother or father.But it is firm.She looks back in terror and a stranger gazes down at her.He smiles and offers her a lollipop.She looks in front to see her mother haggling with the ice cream sellar and then at the lollipop.
Its big,red and seems tasty.She takes it with a smile from the kind stranger.
As her tongue touches the round red sweet it knows that the whole thing is going to be delicious.She pops it in her mouth and sucks at it.Mother doesn't let her have lollipops too often.They are harmful, she says.But this one is delicious and now she feels like sleeping.The last thing she remembers is the stranger's sweet smile.Sweet but sickening,as sickening as the feeling in her head.
Nanhi si ek jaan ne apna
Khauf ki maili chaadar
Odh ke soya
Bezubaan chup chaap roya
Barso se ye behte
Aansu tham rahe hain
She opened her eyes in fright her shivering hands clutching at the steel ropes as a wave of anger enveloped her mind.Anger of the little girl hidden in the woman she had become now.Anger of the little girl who couldn't stand the touch of strangers,strangers who were men.Those few seconds which still haunted her,refused to leave her when she slept.That smile made her feel like throwing up because she couldn't do anything back then.
Her feet went back and pushed the ground behind fiercely and she soared with the swing again,higher and higher.Tears streaked down her cheeks,fighting against the force of the wind.She felt like letting go of the ropes,ropes that bound her to this world.The world which had those sickeningly sweet strangers,who made women feel like the vulnerable little girl she had been.
The little girl who never got her childhood back again.
She came down,her feet scraping against the ground as they ruined the perfect carpet of leaves.
The little girl who was scared of autumn ever since.Who never saw the yellow leaves in the same way ever again.
Chura ke khud se
Har pal jiya
Zeher jo usne ghola
Maine woh piya
Chuppi ke, aad mein
Chhipkar usne jurm kiya..
Zubaan par laga wo
Tala khul raha hai
Words Left Unspoken
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"Good morning, Darling."
His husky tone resounding in her ears.
He sprung on her from behind, snaking his left arm over her eyes, effectively obstructing her sight and he buried his nose in her hair, inhaling her intoxicating scent. "How are you doing?" He mumbled.
"DAVID- move your friggin hand from eyes." She tried to pry his fingers away. "David, stop playing games so early in the morning." She sighed." I have to go to work. And you have to go for a meeting remember??"
"Hmm the meeting can wait." He whispered, lightly, his breath tingling her face. "Okay. Can I, at least, my vision back, my lord? She chided, playfully, knowing that being serious with him wouldn't help her situation much.
"Wish granted." He thrust the bouquet under her nose and simultaneously moved his hand back, wrapping it across her waist instead. "Good morning again, Jenny." He hummed, hugging her form to his.
"This is beautiful." She smelled the magnolias and leaned into David, running her hand through his hair. "Hmm'.Yes." He whispered, a smile playing on his lips. "More than you."
"WHAT? David- You are so dead." She turned back on him. He had slunk away a good feet's distance. She ran towards him, throwing the pillows from the couch on his head and he ran trying to dodge them.
Clutching a magnolia bouquet in her arm, she stalked towards the wrought iron gate. The trees, in their autumn glory, scattering a dull orange glow, offering the place associated usually with sadness, an ironical warmth. She set out on the narrow, cobblestone laid path, passing by various stone plinths marred with a name, accompanied with an epitaph. Her legs carried her forward of their own accord, her mind sensing that the dam was about to burst, like each time.
She shuffled towards his tombstone, his resting place, the background growing increasingly hazy.
20th August 1985- 4th October 2011
Our deepest fears have come true. David has cancer.
Don't worry, Darling. We will pull through.
Promise me, that you will find someone else, Jennifer. Be happy.
Despair hit her like a pair of knives, digging deep into her heart, managing to batter her already bruised heart. Her knees buckled, chest heaving with unshed tears. She ran her dainty fingers lightly over his engraved name, trying to remember his face to accuracy. But time seemed to have obliterated his memory. Tears spilled over, a throaty cry pierced the silent air. She clutched her stomach, twisting herself into a fetal position and let out the tears that had lain trapped for what seemed an eternity.
A few feet back, along the shades cast by the tree, stood a figure looking over this heart-wrenching picture, with a clenched heart of its own. He wanted to help her. He had to. But each time that he had tried...
No matter how much she resists, I am going to help her today. With a resolute decision, he stepped out into the light, and walked towards the huddled figure.
She heard a distinct foot-fall behind her; however she had no strength to raise her head towards the approaching figure.
"Jenny?"He bent down next to her, placing his hand on her shoulder and raising her head to meet his. "Stop crying, Honey"
"Matt?" She whispered, in a choked voice and laid her head on his shoulder. He gathered her in his arms, encircling her waist. "Why did it take you so long to come out of there?" She whispered hoarsely, the mist of her heartache still lingering in her eyes and looked up to gaze at him.
His eyes widened. She knew. Rapidly overcoming his surprise, he gently touched his lips to hers and whispered, "I love you, Jennifer."
She smiled weakly, even through the despair at having lost David clawing at her, and murmured," I know." She looked back at her lost love, her late husband, now only a mere stone marking his place. "I miss him." Those three words pushed a dagger into his heart; he shut his eyes, feeling helpless.
He gathered her in his arms, kissing her chestnut hair whilst stroking her back. "I know. But I am here now. Everything will be alright." He crooned in her ear.
She nodded numbly, part of her distress ebbing away as she snuggled into his arms. She lay there, in his arms, time momentarily forgotten.
Slowly, the warmth of his body combined with the fiery blaze of the autumn leaves burned away her uncertainty giving rise to the similar anticipation of a new future. Of a new beginning.
Shades Of Autumn
He knew that he would not be welcome on the day she promised herself forever to that tall, dark, faceless figure who had stolen her from him; tempted her thoughts and seduced away her soul.
That was a day for her friends and her family. He could not tolerate the looks on their faces as they marked the day she had not chosen him. Pity... Blame.
So he had not gone.
He had considered going the next day. Maybe he would be able to find her by herself and say goodbye, let her know he was sorry and that it wasn't her fault. That he forgave her. He would tell her he understood that he was not enough- could never be enough.
And then he would just hope that that had been enough to win her back. Bring her back to him. Keep her by his side forever.
But that day also passed, the small bedside clock warning him of the seconds he was wasting away. There would still be people today. Let them have their time. What difference could one more day make?
He would not be welcome if he went today.
Another week passed by and the leaves of the large tree which teased the panes of his bedroom window in the slightest of breezes, the most peripheral twigs on the branches stroking curiously against the glass, like virgin fingers, were beginning to lose their gloss. The vivid green she loved so much, the ones she read books under and laughed under and even danced barefoot under, fading to a mournful emerald.
She deserved some rest, he considered. She never did enjoy hosting guests and this time, everybody would have gone to see only her. She would have been the main attraction and been forced to play the ever gracious hostess.
His lips almost allowed him a smile. But the memory of the time when her eyes shined for him, her lips parted for his, her heart beat only for him... Those inescapable wisps of thought stole the possibility before it had any real hope of becoming reality.
Before he knew it, a month had escaped him and still he had not visited. He justified it- this was the honeymoon period. He swallowed the painful acceptance and took a shuddering breath as he struggled to ease the iron fist clenching relentlessly on his heart. She must be allowed to enjoy it.
The leaves on the tree were beautiful now. She was an artist and had painted their room in the same shades of russet and rosewood, umber and vermillion: Blazing colours that flamed their room with the same vivacity with which she had loved him. He no longer slept in that room or on that bed- Could not bring himself to take in the faintest cinnamon scent which brushed him when he opened the door. How could she leave him? They had loved so passionately, fought so intensely and made up- oh when they made up he had been sure he had been permitted heaven on Earth.
How could she do this to him?
And by now the leaves were plum and chocolate, like a novice chef's experimental pudding. A failed endeavour. Or perhaps a joke for the taster? A cruel practical jest which would leave a foul taste in their mouth for an unknowable period of time.
He watched the ceiling fan above his head spinning.
And then his clear, periwinkle blue eyes noticed movement at the window:
A leaf, too weak to hold on any longer, too changed and damage and weakened to fight had simply broken off and surrendered itself to death.
Something inside him, which had been holding on from the second he had come home to find her on their bedroom floor, her left wrist slashed and leaking scarlet liquid onto the floor, her right holding the knife with which she had done it, and the note which said simply:
Dinner's in the oven.
He got out of bed.
He visited her that day.
"I cut down our tree today, my darling."
He made to turn up the collar of his coat as the rising wind bit into the exposed pinking skin of his neck, but he suddenly remembered the kisses she had placed there over the years and he stopped his hands, turning the collar down yet again.
"I love you, my darling. And I am so sorry."
Beloved daughter and loving wife
The Last Leaves
Autumn, in its serene sadness, in its deferential acceptance of its own powerlessness, would always remind her of Satyajit uncle.
It was autumn, on that day too, when the phone had rung. After appropriately sombre hums and murmurs, Pakhi's father-in-law had cut the call and announced Satyajit Banerjee was ill.
Tucked away in the bustle of a desensitised city, so many miles away from their homeland, the small Indian community had coalesced into an assorted family, of which Satyajit uncle was something of a grandfather figure. Pakhi and her in-laws had gone to visit him, of course, but after a perfunctory smile and nod, the old man had diverted his eyes back to the indolent meandering of raindrops on the fogged window-pane. He had not talked in days, according to the nurse. They had left soon after, having performed their duty.
But Pakhi had gone back the next day, beseeched as she had felt, by those distant irises and throbbing silences that jarred so shatteringly with the memories she had of him, as perpetually good-humoured. She had spent the whole night wondering what to take to him, and had finally decided on lobongo-lotika - a Bengali sweet he had once mentioned, something his wife used to make when she was alive. She had had to phone her mother in India for the recipe, and had spent the whole morning and, according to her mother-in-law, dozens of dishes and half the month's groceries, in making the lobongo-lotika.
He had reached for the box with trembling hands, and blessed her, with a hint of a glisten in his eyes.
"How is it?" Pakhi had asked, eagerly, after he had taken a bite.
"When one cooks with love, the food becomes holy... like gangajal, water from the Ganges."
Before long, they had begun to converse about all the life he had lived, about her experiences as a new bride in a foreign country, about so many things and nothings, hardly moved by how time was flitting by them enviously. What she did feel, though, poignantly, even as he jokingly complained about the nurses, was that something in him had collapsed, on the day his busy children had driven him to the old age home.
Pakhi had decided: she would bring him home. But it was not to be so easy. Her mother-in-law complained about the hassle, her father-in-law reasoned about the facilities at the old age home, and they both chided her somewhat kindly, but mostly patronisingly, for being naive and unrealistic. Then Satyajit uncle's family accused her of trying to carve a place for herself in the old man's will. In different ways, they had all reminded her of her position as a woman, and a daughter-in-law to boot.
If only her husband had not been away on that business trip... She knew that Apurv, fiercely protective of her as he was, would have stood by her. Upon his return, she had lashed out at him, cruelly, blaming him for everything, as though it was his fault. He had just held her shaking frame, tightly, wordlessly, allowing her to vent out the storm of emotions stifled in her heart.
In any case, nothing could have been done then.
Satyajit Banerjee had breathed his last, one day after Pakhi's visit, quietly, in his sleep. It had been incomprehensible to her at the time. There had been no life-threatening disease to his account, and his frailty could hardly have been justified by his age and lifestyle.
It was years later, when Pakhi sensed that elusive truth, in the way her mother had last looked upon her children gathered around her - all of them settled and independent. As the gangajal was touched to her parched lips to pave the way for her release, and as the light peacefully left her eyes, it had dawned upon Pakhi... how people could pass on, once their minds had decided it was time, time to embrace winter, and the spring beyond.
Satyajit uncle's breaths, quivering knowingly, like the last few golden leaves on barren branches, had given way by choice, perhaps - a small, triumphant assertion of their dignity.
Crushed And Crumpled
D: Aasman me chaand muskura raha hai'sitaron ne shab ki dehleez per mehfil sajake baithe hai. yeh raat khaas hai bohat..yeh raat phir dobara na aanewali raat hai..yeh lamhein dil ko dhadka jaate hai'na inka aane ka intezar hota hai ab na inka jaane ka hasrat. bas aap ki kami hai..iss manzar ko ek muqammal tasweer bana dijiye'hamare adhurepan ko poora kar dijiye'mere humsafar'mere humnawa... iss khwaab ko apne nigahon per sajaa lene dijiye taaki jab hum aankhein kholay to hum khud ko iss khwab ke taabeer me paaye'
A: yeh khwaab nahi aur na hi kisi khwab ki taabeer'yeh woh haqeeqat hai jinhe lamha tar lamha hum dono ne apnay saanson se sajaya hai. yeh hamara sach hai..
She didn't notice when Aayan has stepped inside the room, quietly stood behind her and whispered those words into her ears. Her eyes were closed as she was weaving this dream but his voice in her ears did not awaken her as she was still in her dreams and neither did he touch her in any way even though he stood so close to her with his hands tied back. As he leaned towards her slightly, she began to feel his warmth on her shoulders, his breath into her ears'her heart is beating twice the usual speed in anticipation as to what will happen in the very next moment'she wants to open her eyes but she can't. Let it be a dream oh God she murmurs to herself'a dream that she can live in reality, let the moments shadow a cast of memories that will stay on for eternity. Suddenly, as if in an unknown reaction she turns and with her face covered by her hands, she conceals herself in his chest. With hesitance, he slowly brings his hand around her back and walks her to the bed which is decorated with flower strings and rose petals. He sits her down on the bed and slowly removes her hand from her face'
A: bentehayi husn se Khuda ne nawaaza hai aapko..iss haseen chehre pe yun naqaab na rakkha kare.
She lowers her eyes as he starts playing with her bangles'again she doesn't feel his touch but her mind is running wild with thoughts that she cannot even express..
D: Khuda yeh kya horaha hai'na woh humse begaana hai na hum unse anjaan'.yeh pehli baar to nahi k woh itnay kareeb se guzray..yeh pehli baar to nahi k unke saanson ki mehak hamare saanson me bass gayi to phir aaj itni jhijhak kyun..hum kaanp kyun rahe hai..yeh dil itna zoro se dhadke kyun jaaraha hai
Random thoughts are engulfing her minute by minute as he keeps gazing at her. He looks at the side table and picks that glass of milk and offers it to Dua. His eyes were playful but clear and she couldn't refuse. She drinks that milk and then he lays her down on bed and starts caressing her hair. He is whispering words but she can't hear'her eyes are heavy and before she realises, she is deep in sleep. He covers her with a blanket and looks at her for a while before leaving the room. Then he enters the second room, Hayaa is waiting for him and as soon as he enters she stands up. Before she could say anything, he bypasses her, grabs his pillows and leaves the room.
As he prepares to sleep on the couch of the living room, his mother comes and sits next to him.
M: aisa kab tak chalega beta
A: meri zindagi ka pathjhar kabhi khatam nahi hoga ammi. Main Dua k siwaye kisi aur ka kabhi nahi hosakta. Mujhe pata hai Dua kabhi thik nahi hogi'usse abhi bhi lagta hai k hamari shaadi ho chuki aur har raat woh dulhan bannke mera intezar karti hai. per main usse woh haq nahi de sakta kyunki shaadi to meri Hayaa se hui hai na! aap meri walda hai'ek majboor, beemar larki jisse main mohabbat karta hoon usse apnaane se mana ker diya aap ne..woh apne bete per aap ka haq tha. Ussi ki choti behen Hayaa se shaadi kar k humnain aap k taraf apna farz nibhaya. per meri mohabbat ko main tanha na chhor sakta. ab baaki zindagi aise hi guzregi meri'jisse chahta hoon usse apnaa nahi sakta aur jisse apnaaya hai usse kabhi chaah nahi sakta. yehi meri saza hai..yehi meri ishq ka mayaar hai...
Seeing all of them dead, he had thought that she was dead too. He had no idea what would he do without her; for life without her seemed as impossible as a summer day without the sun.
A silent rage goes though him seeing her like this. All this because of hate... bloody goddamn hate. Simple questions engulf his mind, Why him? Why his village? Why his Jaan? He knows these were selfish questions, for he would never wish this kind of thing upon anyone. His mind still couldn't stop thinking, what did his people even do to those haters?
Even with all of these questions in his mind, he is unable to make any sound.
Finally, after what seemed an eternity, she feels his presence. She lifts her eyes to his face and he sees all the emotions pass on her face: surprised, confused, happy, and finally, relief.
"You have come for me." Her eyes well up with tears. He had never seen her cry. She had always been strong by his side...never flinching nor groaning when she did all the hard work. She had been the rock in their relationship. "I had given up hope, Shinu...All dead, all blasted into pieces'Goddamn pieces'Everything melted...I thought...I thought... You were gone Shinu..Blown into pieces...But ..But you came." Her words have become a mumble, all jumbled together. Her eyes have become tired and vacant after crying so much.
His soul shatters seeing her in so much pain. So much grief. He wishes she had not seen anything. He wishes she was still a simple, settled woman who had seen her share of hardships in life... but not the death. Death of everyone in front of her face. Oh, how he wishes.
He slowly gets up and walks the steps that separate them. When he comes near her, he bends down and hugs her gently. "Nothing in this world can separate me from you Jaan...not death, not any being, not anyone. I would have come for you no matter where I was... because you r my other half. You are all I have.." A lone tear escapes his eyes. He feels engulfed in this large pool of grief, unable to stop himself from crying.
He feels her crying, feels her shaking... and feels her sobs.
"I am so sorry..so..so..so..sorry... couldn't save anyone...so..soo.." she wails loudly, letting out a high-pitched scream. The scream echoes through the night, reminding him again that no one was around them for miles. Not anymore. His once happy life would never be the same.
"Shh" he lays her head on his shoulder, "The
attack was not your fault Jaan, it was not. Don't you dare take the blame of
something you know nothing about." He closes his eyes, wishing once again that
she had not seen all that she had... Wishing again that she would forget all
the people's cries... Forget when the children ran around burning with fire
yelling for help...Forget when elders couldn't run from the blasts because
their legs gave away'Forget when the mothers cried for their children...Forget
the way maggots devoured the melted bodies'He just wished...that the hate in
this world will become smaller one day.
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The Labyrinth of Life
The curtains were gently flying with the cold and misty wind that emanated from the half-open window. The first signs of chill associated with winter had already paved its way with the season of autumn battling hard. And the gloomy atmosphere tended to leave such a lazing effect that early mornings were made even more difficult.
Shreya stretched her arm on the right side of the bed to reach Akshay for their usual morning hug, the best boost ever to start the day. She clutched onto him as tightly as possible, talking sweet nothings that she never failed to pour out. Suddenly feeling that Akshay was getting up and distancing himself from her, she held his hand while he was standing with a concerned look overwhelming his face.
"This time also you are leaving without even saying bye" Shreya asked, tears running down her cheek.
"I need to go! You know it!" Akshay replied.
"Please don't! How will I live without you?" Shreya pleaded.
"You need to let go, Shreya! Find your way in the labyrinth of life, and remember I will always be here for you here" Akshay answered, pointing towards her heart.
With restlessness and melancholy having the upper hand as she saw Akshay's figure fading away, Shreya buried her face into her knees that she was holding tremblingly. Her tears had slightly dampened the surface on which they had been shed, and her face evoked a vulnerable state. Flashbacks of that fateful phone call that announced Akshay's accident and the sight of his body bathing in blood at the hospital frantically ran through her mind, and a shriek echoed.
A tender touch on her shoulder brought her back to reality and she turned around to notice him looking at her with inquisitive expressions that had deepened his brown-eyed gaze. His voice provided her with the much needed balm that soothed all the pain inflicted on her heart. He was the only reason why today she was still living ' her bundle of joy.
"Mamma, whom were you talking to?" her five-year old son Rahul asked, climbing up the bed and sitting on her lap.
"To the one we miss the most'your papa" Shreya let out, in between sobs, kissing him on the forehead.
"You know Mamma every night Papa comes as a superman in my dreams telling me to look after you always and forever!" Rahul innocently affirmed, while cuddling his mother.
Shreya quickly glanced at her husband's portrait on the wall and smiled thinking that he must surely have come into his son's dreams. Akshay could have left them for another world, but his presence was always felt at any moment, always. Even in the park where Shreya brought Rahul every Sunday for a morning walk.
While Rahul inspected the premises scrutinising each and every leaf to pick the most beautiful ones, Shreya sat on their favourite bench, hers and Akshay's. Reminiscing those sweet memories that they had shared in the past in the very park where he had first proposed her, she looked at the big tree that was right beside her, with "Akshay loves Shreya" engraved on the trunk. Her fingers spontaneously felt the urge of running over the carvings, and she closed her eyes feeling Akshay holding her hand, and both sealing their names on that fruit of Nature.
As soon as Rahul had found his treasures, Shreya opened the leaf album collection and glued them, amidst the already numerous leaves that found their way in the album: red, yellow, and orange colours. At the beginning of each autumn season, Shreya and Akshay used to wander around the park in search of such special leaves and Rahul had surely inherited from their passion.
could not stop thinking about how Rahul had become a mini Akshay in
every sense of the term'their likes and dislikes, their traits, their
way of talking and above all their unconditional love for her. She knew
she had to move on from the sorrow of having lost the love of her life,
and Akshay had numerously told her that life was no less than a
labyrinth, and that she had to overcome all obstacles to let light seep
in. It would surely be hard without the man who had always been her
pillar in life, but she knew than God had gifted her with the most
beautiful gift that any woman could wish for'her Rahul would be there at
all times by her side.
Someone was fighting hard. Fighting hard for his life, for the future he had thought of, the future with the love of his life. He was'..fighting against death.
One has to die one day or the other but he didn't want to die, not so soon at least. God can't be so cruel . . . . . can he?!! God d*mn it'. . . . . he wanted to live, live for his love.*sigh*
Why? . . . . . This three letter word is the most asked and yet the least answered.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
His body was burning, it had been burning since that bomb blast, doctors told him that his body is 70% burnt, most of his organs are damaged and off-course the scope of his recovery is nil, just his heart is beating, making him feel the presence of someone so far but yet so close. And for that someone he is hoping against hope, hoping for a better tomorrow, hoping to spend his life with her.
Now it seems as if he has just a few days or maybe just a few hours left before silence would fill his room, his body, his heart, his soul and her.
He closed his eyes and immediately knew what he wanted. He wanted her and that was one dream that he could never be able to live...
"Tumhe pana mere liye ek khwaab hai, aisa khwaab jo kabhi haqiqat nahi ban sakta"
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Beep beep beep bip bip bip. . . . . . . . .beee eee eee eee eee
Doctors were trying their best to save the life of one of the 3 Indian Army officers who were rushed from Afghanistan's base after they got severely injured in a bomb blast. They had gone there on a peace mission. One of them had already died in the helicopter and now after living for a whole week in such a miserable yet stable state, this young chap was dying. Shocks were being given to revive the heart but the response that they got was silence . . . . . . . just . . . . . . . silence.
The doctor came out of the ICU and without any hesitation and with utmost ease said - "He is no more". Well, I don't blame him. He, in his career has seen thousands of case where the end is this painful and heart-wrenching; he has become quite immune over the years.
This is no fairy tale, life is not fair'..well, most of the time. He was gone and he was not going to return ever'..not at least in this lifetime.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
She closed her eyes, a silent tear rushed down the cheeks and then again silence followed
1 Year Later
"Aanken hamari rah nihare, Hum hain akele dard k mare.
Kab aayega woh pardesi, Ab nahi laage kahin apna ji.
Jag se gaya woh pardesi, sehmi si hai ab khamoshi."
It is implausible as how the significance of autumn has changed since childhood. I used to be so happy on its arrival; I loved the falling leaves, the crackling sounds. Autumn had meant a season when the angels would drop leaves as their blessings on me. I used to feel so special. Now, these dried leave hold an entirely different meaning. Each falling leaf signifies an unfulfilled wish, a heart rending moment, and a dying soul. Autumn, with its arrival, revives all those memories I had spent with him. It is painful . . . . . and I still love him.
A small baby boy started crying. She rushed to him. Hugged him and looked into his beautiful chocolate brown eyes and gently stroked him messy silky hair. "You are just like your father."
And with this the last Maple leaf fell down and got
carried away by the wind to'..well, to the heaven with her message.
The Second Chance
He trudged along the way, the path seemed longer than usual, he wrapped his scarf even more securely around his neck''the cough wracked his body, he was suffering from lung cancer, first stage, its curable, so the doctors say, but he doubted'as his feet crunched the yellow and red carpet of leaves covering the road, he felt the hollow in his heart increasing with every moment'it has been 3 years , yet the pain seemed as fresh as if it had happened yesterday'.how he wished that he could turn back time'sometimes he cursed himself ,he wished he had the courage to stand up and fight that day, yet he did nothing, he stood there listening , kept his mouth shut, and let fate take its course'.Fate might have turned out to be otherwise , if only he had done what he should have'.yet he stood there, a mute spectacle, as he saw her leaving him forever '.that day as she walked out from his life, a part of him also went away with her '.her big brown eyes, so innocent and beautiful still haunted him'.the last glance which she gave him, as she stepped out of their house , is still fresh in his memories.
Arijit was then a young man of 24 years, and felt that all his dreams coming true when he landed up with a job in one of the biggest MNC'every time he saw her mother telling their relatives about proudly about his job, he could see a sparkle in her eyes'. it made him really happy'.life was perfect for Arijit , it became even more beautiful when Payal entered his life'
He was having a real bad day at office that day, his computer has crashed, and he had to prepare a very important presentation '.so there he was sitting in his chair, papers scattered all over his table, stewing his head over how to complete his presentation, when he heard a beautiful voice say, " Can you tell me which way is Mr Mishra's cabin?"'.Arijit looked up and saw a pretty girl of about 21 standing infront of his cubicle'.for a moment he just stared at her, the black curls that fell as ringlets around her, her cute round face, and most beautiful , those big brown eyes, so lively, yet so innocent'.Arijit cleared his throat, gave himself a shake to wake himself up from his trance and replied in a cracked voice " err, down the corridor, take a left, first cabin"'.The girl gave a lovely smile in return and made her way towards the cabin.
That day Arijit had realised that there really existed something called "love at first sight" for he had fallen hopelessly in love with Payal without even knowing.
Arijit he found out Payal was their Manager's niece, and she was studying medicine, he also found out she was his colleague Preeti's sister's friend'. and it was Preeti who actually introduced them formally'Arijit found Payal was the perfect girl he was looking for'.every time he met her, he found all his stress, tensions disappear by magic'she became his friend, confidante and most importantly she loved him a lot.
But as some people say all stories need not have a happy ending, or an ending like we expect'that's what happened with their story'
It just took just one stormy night and a bad car crash to put an end to their beautiful love story , perhaps forever. 'Arijit's mother held Payal responsible for the accident as she was driving the car'and Arijit had to make a major decision that day, a life with his mother or Payal'he felt helpless ,he could not possibly leave his old mother, just for the sake of his happiness' that day she went away, from his life, she never questioned him why he stood there , silent, never speaking.
People celebrate their anniversary of togetherness and he celebrated anniversary of the day he lost her, his life'he stumbled and fell as he came near the tree where he had proposed her, and got lost in the darkness'
As he opened his eyes, he found himself lying on a
hospital bed and looking at those beautiful brown eyes that he had dreamt for
so long'.he tried to speak, a tear trickled from his eyes'but she took his
hands in hers and gave a slight nod'his father used to say, everyone deserves a
second chance , may be this was his second chance'
Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to Bluey, Happy Birthday to You!!!
It's your 12th birthday Bluey! And it's my 18th! I wish we could celebrate it together'
I had started this trend of celebrating our birthdays together when I was a child, because Dad got you home on my 5th birthday, when you were just a few days old. I still remember when I first saw you, though it was such a long time back. You were curled up like a ball of snow in your cozy basket, a just a volley of fur, no eyes, no ears, nothing! But at that time, happy as I was to see you, I was totally reluctant to touch you. Childish! Dad reassured me again and again that you weren't dangerous in any way; he patted and stroked you a number of times in front of me, you didn't make a single move. Finally, I was convinced that you were totally harmless, so I reached out for you timidly. But as soon as I touched you, your little body quivered and your eyes ' which had always been so similar to solid, black balls of glass ' showed up from between the fur. I shrank back in fear! At that moment, no-one in that room had doubts as to what a naughty little pup you were! Do you remember how loud I had shrieked? Well I don't but Mum has told me the story so many times that I can almost view it all before my very eyes!
Dad said we'd name you Bluey, after the longest living Dog. But what's in a name?
As time passed you became a member of the family, you were like my sibling. Everyone adored you; you were Mum's Mr. Blue, Dad's Bluebell.
I remember how every time Dad got home from office he would call "Bluey, Bluey, Bluebell!" and how you would run to him immediately from where you were usually snuggling against my feet under my study table!
I remember how Mom and Dad would fuss over you whenever you fell ill or hurt yourself, which was often, naughty as you were! Do you remember how badly you had hurt one of your ears when you were trying to wiggle out in between the garden fence once?
There were the times when I babbled on and on about my problems in school and you listened to all of it with utmost concentration of a devoted listener, your ears pricking up every time I said "You know Bluey, I'"
Those, and so many more, are the times I can never, ever forget'
Dad didn't let me see when they "laid you to rest" after your illness got the better of you that fateful day; he made me stay upstairs the the whole morning. But I knew where you were, and that evening I went there and sat under the old Jackfruit tree in the corner of the backyard when nobody was looking. It was our favourite place in the fall. Remember how much fun we had jumping on the piles of leaves that mother gathered from all over the backyard? I was glad that they had kept you there.
I miss you Bluey. I wish you would come back'
You know, it was just a childhood fantasy when I started writing you these letters on your birthday. I don't really know why I continue writing these even today, when I know and understand everything. Maybe it's because you are someone whom I'll never be able to forget and I get pleasure from the fact that once in a year at least I can be a child and imagine that this letter, containing all those feelings and emotions that I shared with you once, will really reach you.
So like all our last birthdays, I will light a candle for you and leave this letter under the Jackfruit tree.
And like all the last years, I will sit there till the candle burns out and see the leaves of the tree falls over your bed. When this letter will completely disappear under that pile, I'll know that my message has reached you.
"Because I Think I Like You"
Their legs couldn't even bend from the edge of the swing in the park, this was how small the two little best friends were. Ria and Rehan had known each other for an year now, and being so small they didn't even understand a thing but the two surely understood each other quite well. Ria being the older one always felt it was her responsibility to look after him besides she even found him cute.
Before they even knew their legs could touch the ground still sitting on the swing and Ria was 16 while Rehan 14. Teenage. Probably the most difficult and annoying time of one's life especially when you are a total nerd and fall in love. That was the case for Ria, she had seen Deb when she entered her new school just an year before. Oh! The girls just drooled over his fair complexion and blue eyes but Ria always found this girly stuff stupid and never felt anything for him until they had become partners for a project and she realized how amazing and good at heart he was, the two had the same interests although she was totally nerdy and ugly, no one would have expected she could share the same interests with such a pretty guy. Then came the full stop to her dreams when she saw him standing barely an inch apart from the "biatch" of the school Sheena, oh how she had made Ria's life so miserable in school only she knew. She ignored knowing he was a total flirt and he wouldn't be with her for long as she had dreamt enough about the two being together and knew they'd be together soon. But before she could have even moved, the two were making out. She couldn't believe the scene in front of her and soon couldn't even see it properly as her eyes were wet with tears, not that it was his fault but she was hurt. Maybe it was just infatuation but she did feel something for him.
Rehan sat there on the same swing with her listening to her story as she cried, something that he hated. He didn't know what to do but he knew her best friend was crying and slowly placed his hand around her shoulder letting her rest her forehead on his shoulder and cry. The pale brown-ish leaves that fell from the tree just above the swing drew his attention and he realized that exactly 7 years ago when they'd met it was autumn and it had been 7 years since they knew each other and not only the swing the tree too had played a part for them coming close. "You remember Ria, when we were 6 and 8 we were so crazy about that movie erm'.what was the name?" Started Rehan. "M-mohabbatien" she said still sobbing. "yeah! God we were so inspired by it that we used to communicate through these leaves writing to each other" "oh crap! Yeah!" Ria's tears had started drying up a bit "I love autumn, we have so many memories with this season yeah?" "Yes!" "By the way Ria, that Deb is a total jerk he doesn't deserve someone as pretty as my best friend" Rehan had always said things to console her, that would touch her heart but after what he said, for the first time Ria looked at him with a look so different she had never looked at him before and the way she felt was really something different. Something she didn't even feel for Deb.
She was sad and upset when she came to know that a house was to be constructed in place of the park and their swing was gone. But she didn't understand why even in such a time all she could think of was Rehan. Actually after a heck loads of thinking she had realized what she felt for Rehan but it was hard for her to accept it. He was her childhood friend.
As she stared at the beautiful sky from which the sun was sinking and the horizon was changing colours, she realized how much her friendship with Rehan and changed and how important a part of her life he had become, the wind let her hair flow and she felt nothing but piece. Somewhere inside some curiosity about her feelings were there too, she was too busy to notice that a leaf fell over her shoulder and when she did, she realized it had something written over it. Upset? It read, and she nodded a yes knowing who it was. Hug? The other one read, she just nodded in a no.why? Came another one. She looked up at the tree and said "Because I think I like you" she couldn't believe her guts, but she said it. She looked down and the next thing she knew he stood inches apart from her staring intently in her eyes as he pinned her against the tree. "do you?" he asked, Ria had never seen such a seriousness on his face, "I think" she looked down as she replied. "I know" he said bringing his face closer to hers. "what?" "that I love you" her eyes immediately widened and looked up at him in shock. She felt her hand slowly being held by him, "what?" she asked. "I love you, I always have from the time you smiled at me" her eyes were filled with tears and slowly a smile came across her face and Rehan knew her answer.
She never knew this would ever happen or happen so suddenly but
his lips slowly touched hers and moved there rhythmically and slowly as they
had their first kiss.
::Handle With Care::
I sometimes wonder what tears are made of.
Are they, simply how your body reacts, like a bead of sweat when you've jogged two-blocks to see your best-friend? Is it just an overflow of emotion when words seem to fail to suffice?
Or is there more to it?
What if tears are more than just that, are they like that sharp tug of pain when you lose your first tooth, a consolation, that even though the light-throb of its absence has one laying their tongue there and pretending that it wasn't gone 'just yet, someday soon the pain would fade, just like the tracks of silver left by those very tears.
Or were perhaps tears actually streams of salty super-glue trying to hold together fragments of a shattered soul?
Pedro was a difficult name for a fifteen-year-old to be cursed with. Then again when you're short, gangly and acne scarred ' it really wasn't about names, was it?
And those were the nicer ones.
It'd been a rough few years for Pedro. Not that any of that bothered him anymore, carefully making his way across the Chester-Street-Memorial, Pedro looked up to scan the now golden-leaved trees for the familiar black-hoodie, and fidgety gaze.
Surely enough, shuffling his feet beside one of the larger gravestones, stood the man who had given him an escape when he'd been looking for a permanent one, 3 months ago.
The hooded figure, nodded curtly before asking in his telltale rasp, "How many?"
Pedro paused for a second. How many? That had never been asked before. Usually it was the regular one or two. How many?
He smiled, suddenly, a grim mockery of the bright smile that had once been his trademark. "Fifteen," he answered, as he silently gave himself a new nick-name.
Sweet sixteen. Eyes brimming with unshed tears, as she looked steadily at a fixed point into the bleak outbreak of autumn-tinged leaves, Paeyan couldn't help but wonder just what was supposed to be so sweet about it.
Her fingers twitched involuntarily, before she could cover them with the bulk of her poorly knitted scarf.
Only five-percent of the world's population managed to inherit it.
And she was one of the lucky ones.
Juvenile Parkinsonism, they had called it. At least, she thought dully, there was finally a reason, why her hand kept shaking every time Mrs. Cobb called on her to write on the board, or when she managed to claim center-stage to ridicule after twisting her legs around each other, when she'd plodded through the extra laps Coach Logan had given her for skipping Gym class last week.
It wasn't that she particularly hated Gym, it's just that there, out the security of her baggy clothes to cover her body's betrayal, Paeyan was reminded even more forcefully, of the simple fact that she not only didn't fit in ' she never would.
Although born and christened Pauline Anderson, seventeen year old Pauline had never been called anything but Princess by her father, Bob 'The Plumber' Anderson.
Growing up as a child who'd lost her mother to a drunk-driver, Pauline had struggled with the loss of a female parent but if there was one thing her father had seen to it, was that she never lacked in anything else.
Sitting in Grace Montgomery's room, watching the girls primped with their branded products and twirled prettily in their designer labels, Pauline couldn't help but look down at her own prom dress, and wonder, if she wasn't a clay doll surrounded by priceless porcelain dolls.
But she was here for her dad, she reminded herself firmly. She thought back on her father's reaction when she'd initially refused to go to Prom with Grace and the others.
"But their mothers were your mother's best-friends!"
So she'd given in.
Pauline looked down at her phone again as she redialed her father - when Grace called for her ' "Paulie would you be a dear and get me some water?"
Pauline smiled and left.
Never knowing the cruel speculation on her father that followed, as she'd exited the room, nor that mere seconds after she'd left, her father had received her then abandoned phone, that he'd heard ' every word.
All she knew ' was that on her front
porch ' Her father had left a note asking 'Pauline' if she could lock-up when
she got home.
Pregnancy, one of the best feelings in the world.
To know that you are carrying a life inside you, someone who will call you Mommy, who will fill your heart with the sound of their laughter, who will run around the house and create chaos, whose cries will break your heart.
Someone...someone who will have you wrapped around their little finger, as soon as they wrap their tiny hand around yours.
"When are you going for the check up?", asked my best friend and roommate, Ashley.
"In the evening. The little one seems to be a little restless today." I smiled, as I rubbed my bump. I had been having mild contractions since the previous night, and although my doctor said it was normal to have braxton-hicks at 36 weeks of pregnancy, I wanted to be sure that my angel was okay.
"Do you want me to go with you?" she said with a smile.
"No. I think I will just go there straight from work."
one last smile at her, I walked out. Wrapping a scarf around my neck,
and tucking my hands into my coat pockets, I breathed in the musky air.
I passed the apartment park, I saw kids chasing each other and smiled
to myself. That would be my angel in a couple of years.
I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard a small girl, clutching her knee and, crying. I was about to walk over to her, when I saw a man, her father I assumed, run over to her and pick her up and hug her, soothing her.
I smiled a sad smile as I was reminded, once again, that the baby would never know who her father is. She was the result of a drunken one-night stand, and the guy was gone before I even woke up.
Caressing my bump, I whispered "It's okay baby, I'll love you enough for the both of us."
I was sitting in a meeting when the contractions started all over again. They were more intense than anything I had ever felt, both in pain and frequency.
"Amber, are you okay?" my manager, Janet, asked, as I gasped from the pain of a particularly intense one.
"I think I need to leave, I need to go to the hospital," I told her, as I got up from my seat.
"Of course. Do you want me to come with you?" she said, as she placed a hand on my shoulder in comfort.
Before I could answer her, I bent over in pain as another one hit me. They were coming too frequently, running into each other.
She's fine. She's fine. She's fine.
"Someone! Call 911!" I heard Janet cry out.
And from that point on, it was all a blur.
I didn't remember getting into the ambulance, or being rushed into the hospital, or being strapped to the machines as the nurses tried to comfort me, as best as they could.
"She's fine, isn't she?" I cried, clutching the hand of the elderly nurse, "My angel... she's fine, right!?"
She looked at me sadly, before wrapping my hand in hers, and said "We can't find her heartbeat."
"No.. no, you are lying! She's fine! She has to be!" I shook my head in denial, as tears streamed down my face. "She's fine! She has to be!"
"I need her to be," I said in a broken whisper.
I need her to be.
"I'm sorry," the nurse said, "She's gone."
On September 10th, 2012 I gave birth to my baby girl, Arella Jackson.
She weighed 6lb 14oz.
She had green eyes and wavy brown hair.
She was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen in my life.
And today... today I am holding a funeral for my angel.
It's so cold out here.
I hug her close, and wrap the blanket around her more tightly. She must be cold.
"Amber, place Arella in the casket," Mr. Warren, the priest, said in a kind voice.
I can't... can't let her go. How can I leave my baby girl out here? In the cold...alone?
I shake my head, as tears stream down my face.
"You have to, Amber," he says sadly. "She's in heaven now."
He picks her up from my hands and places her in the casket.
I watch as they lower her into the ground, bury her, and I know.
It wasn't just her being buried today, it was me too.
Today, after 12 years, as the car stops at its destination, with a heavy heart he passes through those iron gates and finally meets her at her final resting place. Bending on his knees, he sways those dead leaves off of her and places that single rose on an epitaph that says, "With each single leaf that falls this autumn, I await your return'."
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Joined: 28 May 2010
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