Our KTLK - Kashmakash Chap 17 (pg 136) Updated - Page 96

Chapter 15:

The utter joy in Nidhi's eyes is all Ashu needed to see. He starts crossing the road and that brings her out of her paralized state of shocked joy and her feet carry her fwd. he has locked his eyes on her as if trying to make up for the last 5 months of missing her. but Nidhi's glance falls on the Safari that's making a beeline at Ashu if he doesn't move fast. Before the thought registers fully in her mind, her instinct takes over and she runs towards him, puts both hands on his chest and pushes him back out of harm's way. Ashu holds her arms as a reflexive action when she puts them on his chest and that action takes her out of harm's way too but still the vehicle manages to touch Nidhi's back making her lose her balance and topple on the road, scraping her right elbow and palm in a bad way with the driver screaming obscenities at them and driving off in a huff. A second of stunned silence then Ashu's "NIDHI!" quickly followed by Anji and Rohan's "Nidhi, sambhalke!" all 3 rush to her. Ashu reaches her first and carefully makes her sit up. Her dazed gaze meets his panicked one and she gives out a beautiful smile, lifts her bleeding hand and softly runs it over his cheek before passing out. Ashu doesn't know what to do. Rohan and Anji kneel at her side with equally worried expressions.

Anji: Nidhi, Nidhi come on buddy wake up and look at me. Dekh, idhar dekhna Nidhi. Dr Ashutosh, kuch keejiye. What happened? Why did she faint? Dr ASHUTOSH! hosh mein aayiye. Rohan, paani lao. (people gather around and start talking. Rohan grips Ashu's shoulder and shakes him out of his panic. He swallows, wipes the sweat on his forehead with his sleeve and grips her wrist to check her pulse. His thoughts run one after the other: "Is that thundering sound of beating heart hers or mine? She didn't hit her head to anything. In fact, it didn't touch the ground at all. Then why did she faint?"  he makes rapid fast decision and throws his car keys at Rohan: Rohan, go and bring my car. We are taking her to the hospital. Anji, go and get some water for Nidhi.

Both run to obey him and he carefully pulls Nidhi into his hug uncaring of the public spectacle he is causing on the footpath. His eyes close as his mind goes to the moment when she pushed him out of danger and placing herself in his stead. His heart silently cries out: "Nidhi! please be alright. Don't do this to me. Ok? open your eyes and look at me Nidhi. tumhaara chweetu wapas aagaya tumhaare paas. God! Don't punish me like this. I can't take anymore. Nidhi, please Nidhi, open your eyes..Nidhi.." Anji rushes with a wet hanky and starts wiping Nidhi's face softly. Rohan gets the car almost onto the footpath. Ashu gets up, lifts Nidhi carefully into his arms, with Anji's help settles her in the back seat and slides in beside her. after a slight hesitation, Anji relents and goes to the front seat. After instructing Rohan to go to KGH as fast as he can, Ashu pulls out his phone and calls Ranganath to give him an update and also to CV.

KGH: ER: Examination Room: about an hour after Nidhi was brought in:

Nidhi's hand was examined, bandaged, and TT injection administered. Now she has a white strip of gauze almost from elbow to wrist and another one for her right palm. The only difficulty Jyothika had while bandaging was that Nidhi refused to remove her bracelet. Hearing the argument coming from the exam room, Ashu had barged in.

Ashu: whats going on Jyothika?

Jyothika: sir, Nidhi is refusing to let me remove the bracelet. I am not able to clean and bandage the wound properly.

Ashu, who had stopped himself from touching or looking at her ever since they entered KGH, finally lost the battle and looked at her. Her eyes again darting fearfully, looking at Ashu, as if he was just a figment of her imagination who is going to disappear if she looks away or even blinks. He had silently walked over, took her right hand in his, transferred the bracelet to her left hand and left. a little later Dr Rao had walked in, examined, made sure there was no fracture or shoulder dislocation of any kind and gave an all clear. Soon after that Dr K had also walked in. she had given Ashu what could have been a glare, as if he was personally responsible for whatever happened and looked at Nidhi.

Dr K: so Dr Nidhi, skipped your lunch again today? I presume, that is the reason you fainted off?

Nidhi bowed her head and nods: ji ma'am. i..i didn't have time..

Dr K: at least think of a different excuse some times Nidhi. and when was the last time you ate? Yesterday lunch? Or dinner?

Nidhi had mumbled: lunch ma'am.

Dr K finally had looked at Ashu with an impassive face: hypoglycaemia Dr Ashutosh. nothing for YOU to worry about. The last 5 months, she has made a habit of skipping her meals unless I forcefeed her or threaten to kick her out of KGH. get her some juice or something.

Her exit had coincided with the entrance of Dr Khanna, the acting Dean, who had also looked over Nidhi, told her to take that day and the next day off and formally welcomed Ashu back to KGH. "you were supposed to be back tomorrow morning. But am I glad to see you Dr Ashutosh! please take over KGH asap. I think I am happy with my own duties without this one being added."were his exact words to Ashu. Through all this Ashu could feel the unblinking gaze of Nidhi. Rohan had rushed over with a tall glass of pineapple juice and Nidhi without taking her eyes off Ashu gulped it down quickly. finally she voiced the one question that had haunted her all these months. "why Dr Ashutosh?" CV: I think I should be the one to answer that question Nidhi. but first, how are you beta? zyaada chot toh nahi aayi na?

Nidhi: I am fine baba. Just a few scrapes that's all. Aap…kuch…bol rahe the…??

CV then narrates her about Ashu's going off for all these months and the reasons behind it without leaving a single thing out. when he finishes, he looks up at Nidhi to find her face wiped clean of all the expression. No pain, no anger, no accusation….and no love. Nothing. just an empty drained out look.

Nidhi: thank you for explaining baba. Anji, shall we go home?

Rohan comes close to Nidhi: I am sorry for being one more person to hurt you Nidhi. but I just wanted you to be happy with Ashutoshji and this seemed the only way to go about it.

Nidhi: its ok Rohan. At least you thought about whether or not to tell me. Don't worry about it. are you coming with me or going with…your friend?

Rohan closes his eyes at that and it was then that Ashu finally opens his mouth: Nidhi, please don't blame him for what he did. I really had pushed him into a corner…

Nidhi: Anji, shall we go home?

Anji: yeah sure. Par sunn, Armaanji is on his way here. May be we should wait for a few…oh there he is!

Armaan rushes into the ER: Nidhi, kya hua? You ok? oh! So you met him huh!

Nidhi: aap bhi…??

Armaan: whoa whoa..no. no way! You think if I knew about all this I would have kept quiet all these months? BB called me this morning so I came. Ashu mere haathon maar khachuka hain already. Do solid thappad for putting you and me through this. But if you also want to, I will hold him down and you can…(just then his phone rings) lo teri bhabhi. This is her 3^rd call. I tell you that woman!! Haan Mansi! Yes I reached the hospital. Yes, Nidhi is here. No. there is nothing wrong with her. she is fine. Just a few scrapes on her arm. That's it. I swear! Yaar mein kyon jhoot boloonga? She is ready to go home now I think. Lo tum hi baat karo. (he extends the phone to Nidhi)

Nidhi talks in the same dead monotone voice devoid of any emotion: hello Mansi Bhabhi. Yes. I am fine. Ji. I…yes…he is here. Mein? Mein kya bolu bhabhi? What right do I have to speak? My Baba and Dr Ashutosh had a bet and the winner of the bet gets to keep the trophy. Trophy doesn't get to decide on anything right? Whoever is declared as the winner takes the trophy home. Abhi toh chalti hoon bhabhi. I will talk to you later. Thank you for…everything bhabhi. (she silently hands the phone back to Armaan who puts the phone back in his pocket with one hand and pulls her into a hug with the other)

Armaan: Nidhi…

Nidhi: aap mereliye ek favour kardenge please? If you don't mind, can you drop me and Anji at Anji's house? I don't have my car with me.

Armaan gives a quick look at CV and Ashu: sure. No problem. Chalo. Careful careful with that hand.

Seeing that Nidhi is having a tough painful time holding the hand at a right angle with her elbow hurting so much, Ashu quickly goes to the first aid tray, takes the guaze roll and makes a makeshift sling. He comes close to her, carefully holds her wrist, puts the sling through the wrist and after adjusting the height, ties the knot behind her neck to support the hand better. All through this his gaze never leaves her face and she never looks up even though she can practically feel the force of his will trying to make her look at him. Nidhi leaves with Armaan and Anji leaving behind all 3 guilty looking men. Rohan is the first one to speak: Ashutoshji, aaj shaam ko meri flight hain. so I will make a move.

Ashu swallows: Rohan, looks like I am the cause for…

Rohan stops him: no sir. That was my decision and mine alone. I could see that you had no choice and I wanted to help you in any way I can. I don't regret anything. And don't worry about Nidhi sir. She is my friend. She will forgive me. Thoda time lagega but she will forgive. See you soon sir.

Ashu shakes his hand then on impulse pulls him into a hug: thank you Rohan. (Rohan hugs him back with a smile, wishes him goodluck and leaves)

CV: toh ab kya kiya jaye Ashutosh? aapki amaanat toh hum dono se rootkar chaligayi. (there is a slight smile in his eyes as if he is openly accepting the fact that Nidhi is indeed Ashu's treasure from now on. That as far as Nidhi's father is concerned, Ashu is going to get full support and blessings.)

Ashu: I don't know sir. All these months the only thought that sustained me was that at the end of it, I am going to see Nidhi. I didn't think anything beyond that.

CV: in my quest to make sure my daughter is making the right decision, I have managed to break her heart. I just hope I can bring the smile back on her face soon.

CV makes his way home but Ashu goes to Ranga's cabin, takes care of all the paper work required for his reinstatement from the next day and goes to his cabin. He feels Nidhi's presence as soon as he opens the door. Neat and clean cabin, everything in its place and since its already evening, slightly wilting flowers waiting for him. he sits in his chair and closes his eyes in apparent tiredness. His eyes want to lose themselves in hers. See her lips stretching in that typical naughty smile of hers. He wants to hear her giggle as she calls him "chweetu" His arms are aching with the need to hold her. his palms are desperate to reacquaint themselves with the feel of her cheeks, her soft neck, her slightly curvy waist. Although she has gone down quite a bit in the last few months.

There is a perfuctionary knock on the door before Armaan barges in, collapses in the opposite chair and comes straight to the pt: ab kya karne ka plan hain doctor saab?

Ashu: I wish I knew Armaan. I wish Nidhi just follows your path and slaps me hard and gets it out of her chest. That at least would give me a chance to….

Armaan: it's a toss up right now on whom she is more angry at Ashu. You or her father. And I think what she is feeling right now is completely justified. Just imagine yaar, YOU knew you were going to come back. But all she had with her was her blind belief. Nothing. no one. YOU knew where she is living and that she is relatively doing well and is safe and sound. But she didn't even have that reassurance. She has nightmares. Keeps calling Mansi ki bhabhi, I am scared. Woh teek toh honge na. kya hain Ashu yeh? Ek baar mujhse pooch toh liya hota itna bada kadam utane se pehle?

Ashu: and what would you have said Armaan? That to hell with all these tests. Dono bhaag jao aur shaadi karlo? And what would happen then? her father would break off all relationship with her, she will lose her home, her family…and would she have been happy that way in the long run?

Armaan huffs out: ok chalo jo hogaya so hogaya. Ab plan of action kya hain?

Ashu keeps rolling the paper weight on his desk: dekhte hain. (his hand stops spinning the paper weight) Armaan, today, Nidhi saved my life. i…I don't…I never…thought…she didn't even think….

His words desert him as he relives the moment again and Armaan puts a hand on his shoulder in silent comfort.

Nidhi is at Anji's house having completely refused to go back home. Shyama aunty in her quiet motherly way helps Nidhi get cleaned up and change into some comfortable night wear and since her right hand is out of order, feeds her the dinner herself. That single act reminds Nidhi of how her mom used to feed when she was sick or in a sulky mood. Her eyes fill with tears but right then CV comes in to look in on his daughter only to be treated for another frosty silence and one monosyllabal answer. No trace of those tears at that point. Just before going to bed though, she takes out her phone to send her usual goodnight sms and stops herself. The last 5 months that habit had become so ingrained in her that its now almost an automatic thing to do as soon as she climbs into her bed. She is about to put down her phone beside the table when it bings signalling an incoming sms. its from Ashu: "a goodnight wish from chweetu" her face takes on a stubborn hurt angry look and she flings the phone aside on the bed. Then Anji comes in with a determined mind to cheer up her friend and they spend most of the night talking about old times. Nidhi always has a habit of sleeping on her right side so that becomes a huge problem since her whole of right hand is throbbing painfully. Anji gets a pain killer at midnight after which she dozes off into a fretful sleep. Anji sighs her relief at the peaceful look on her friend's face. No crying herself to sleep tonight and hopefully no nightmares either.

Next day morning before Nidhi even opens her eyes, her cell phone bings. Ashu again: "Good Morning Dr Nidhi Verma! How is your hand now? only rest today. No work. Take care." Her first reaction is unadulterated joy then she quickly suppresses it. as with all the injuries, the pain is more the next day and she has a tough time doing even the simplest of tasks. Shyama aunty again comes to the rescue as Anji has to leave early for her classes. She helps her take bath and brush her hair and put it in her usual ponytail. Everyone at home protests when Nidhi declares that she is going for work. But a stubborn Nidhi is completely unstoppable. Solanki uncle volunteers to drop her and both of them leave. DB is again gone into the silent war mode ever since CV told her that Ashu is back. Nidhi reaches KGH a little later than usual. Her steps carry her towards Ashu's cabin but she stops midway, turns back and goes off to the surgery dept where she is currently doing her shift. Today was officially her last day as an intern. Dr Khanna has already informed that from today on each of them would be called with the title "Dr". the excitement has already started among all the 4 interns. Priyanka greets Nidhi, enquires about her hand but just before going away, she puts a hand on Nidhi's shoulder to ask "Nidhi, everything ok?" Nidhi nods yes as in reply and their routine starts. Every work takes double the time for her due to her right hand being bandaged but Nidhi stubbornly keeps going. Its as if she has to prove a point...whether its to him or to herself….even she doesn't know. At around 11.30 Dr Amarnath, the chief surgeon calls her: "Nidhi, there is a patient in need of surgery but has a previous history of seizures. So I want Dr Ashutosh also to be present during the procedure just in case. Here is the case file. Please go through it and update Dr Ashutosh. make sure he is free. Surgery is at 2.30. ok?"

Nidhi: yes sir. (she takes the file and goes to Ashu's cabin. If there is a new spring to her step, she puts it down to the glass of juice that she just had and knocks on the door)

Ashu: yes. come in please!

Nidhi: Good morning sir! (Ashu's head swirls towards her as soon as he hears her voice. His eyes light up and his lips start their smile before her greeting is complete)

Ashu: I thought you were on leave today.

Nidhi: why sir?

Ashu gestures towards her bandaged hand: that's not reason enough?

Nidhi: I am fine sir…Dr Amarnath sent you this case file. He has a surgery scheduled for this afternoon and wants your presence sir.

Ashu: why? (he takes the file but doesn't open it like he usually does. Its obvious that he is trying to prolong the conversation)

Nidhi: the patient has a history of seizures and his BP is also on the high side.

Ashu: any heart complications?

Nidhi: no sir.

Ashu: and steps are taken to bring his blood pressure down? What meds are being administered currently?

Nidhi has no choice but to answer all his questions. She can't even object to them because at no point did he actual seem to even want to touch their personal issue. But his every look, every glance is betraying his need to make her stay in the cabin for some more time. Finally all questions exhausted, Nidhi turns to go.

Ashu: did you have your hand dressing changed today?

Nidhi: yes sir. Thank you for asking.

Ashu: I missed my flowers today. (no reply. she just opens the door and leaves)

At 1.00 in the afternoon Nidhi gets another sms: "I am hungry. Aap lunch keliye nahi aarahe? I am in the canteen waiting." It was the same sms word by word that she sent the day he left KGH. she grips the door to stop herself from going…no..running to the canteen, grits her teeth and goes instead to the interns room to take out her lunch box and forcefully pushes the food down her throat. At 2.30 the surgeons and assistants gather in the OT. Its another session of torture for Nidhi with Ashu asking her questions at every step. No one can see anything but its as if both of them are bound by invisible threads that keep pulling tighter and tighter bringing them closer and closer. It was his way of keeping her close and reassuring himself that at least some good came out of this separation…that Nidhi has grown in a professional capacity and is showing great potential in becoming a brilliant doctor. That night Nidhi gets another sms, just like the previous night: "Goodnight! Sweet dreams!" the next day is almost a repeat of the previous day. The only addition being a bunch of flowers waiting for her at her table in the interns room. No name no greeting. Just the flowers. In a glass of water. Her fingers make their way to touch them but she snatches back her hand in the last minute.

Dinner taken care of, AShu goes to the balcony of his house to stare at the star studded night sky. A few minutes later BB joins him.

BB: Armaan wapas teek se pahunchgaya?

Ashu: ji baba. He sent an sms

BB: good. Good. The last few months…he was a great support to me and Nidhi. I think she now sees him more as her brother than your friend.

Ashu: jaanta hoon baba. I heard her calling Mansi bhabhi. Nidhi is like that. jise milti hain, pasand karti hain, usse apna banake hi chodti hain. its almost the same case in KGH too. mere collegues Nidhi ko care karne mein lage hain.

BB: uska haath kaisa hain ab?

Ashu: I think the pain has gone down a bit baba. She didn't use her right hand at all whole of yesterday. Today I saw her writing notes.

BB thinks for a bit before asking: usne abhi tak baat nahi ki tujhse?

Ashu: forget about talking baba. She doesn't even look at me. Its like…(he leaves the rest of his sentence unsaid. No matter how close he is to his baba, he can hardly come out and say "its like a starving man standing in front of a full banquet of tasty food but unable to taste it" )

BB: Ashutosh, apnon ka diya hua dard dushman ke waar se bhi zyaada chot pahoonchati hain beta. I will tell u the same thing that I told Nidhi that day. Apne vishwaas pe vishwaas rakho. Goodnight.

AShu: goodnight baba. And once again, I am sorry for hurting you.

BB: its ok beta. I understand. Forget it. kitni baar maafi maangega? And in a way I am happy that you took such a step. It shows that you won't be giving up on your love no matter what. I am proud of the man you have become today. Ja. Jaake thoda aaraam karle.

That day being a Friday, Ashu, for the first time chooses to go to KGH in a little informal attire. Kurta and jeans. More specifically, the kurta Nidhi had gifted him with her first stipend. Everyone starting from the receptionist to Dr Khanna himself, do a double take when they see Dr Heartstone dressed in grape wine colour kurta and dark blue jeans. Chotu  gives Nidhi the news: didi, did u see Dr Ashutosh today? Ekdam jhakaas lagrahe hain.

Nidhi thinks to herself, "so whats new in that?" out loud she says, "kyon chotu? Aisi kya khaas baat?"

Chotu: arre didi, aaj woh kurta aur jeans pehenke aaye hain. canteen mein chai peene aaye toh ek ladki apna coffee cup giraadi aur usse pata bhi nahi chala. Dr Ashutosh ko line maarne mein lag gayi.(and he laughs out loud)

Nidhi gets up and leaves the interns room where another bunch of roses had greeted her that morning. "he wore that one to KGH? he still has it with him?" her eyes start looking for a glimpse of him. she finally sees him climbing the stairs of the 2^nd floor. She is coming down the steps and he is going up. Both cross each other midway. The expression in Nidhi's eyes when she looks at him is the lifeline that Ashu was searching for the past 3 days. In the few seconds before she averts her eyes, he sees her joy, pride, love, desire all chasing on another in rapid succession. That was all he needed to see. His patience finally ends.

That night after dinner Nidhi goes to the terrace of Anji's house to get some fresh air and clear her head. Anji is still down having dinner so she is waiting for her to come up so that they can chat for a few minutes. It might take her mind off HIM! right on cue, her phone bings: "had your dinner? Or still upset and punishing your stomach?" her fingers trace the phone screen that is showing the message and hugs the phone to herself.

Ashu: iska bhi jawaab nahi dogi? (she swirls around at the sound of his voice right behind her to find him standing about 2 feet away from her…still wearing the same kurta. He slowly starts coming closer) jawaab nahi dogi?

Nidhi bits her lip to stop the rushing tears in her eyes. But this time she fails. The dam has finally burst and there is no stopping it. the flow starts as a single trickle and she closes her eyes while the damp trail traces her cheeks. There is no noise coming out of her while crying and that silence during her cry is more than he can take. He cups her face in his palms, tilts her head and kisses her. the salty taste of tears greets him and his lips move towards her cheeks absorbing every drop that comes out of her eyes until there is nothing more to drink. Then he peppers her face, wherever he can reach, with his kisses before homing back to her lips. This time the kiss takes on a complete new dimension. This one is not the tentative first kiss of all those months ago. Its not a kiss which offered comfort a few moments ago. This is the kind of kiss a man gives his woman to show that she is HIS! ONLY HIS! Its his way of branding her as HIS! Nidhi's hands are gripping his shirt at the back as she lets him take her wherever he wants to go. Nothing mattered to her any more except the feel of him so close to her. the heady taste of his lips, mouth and tongue. Her grip on his shirt tightens as she turns from a passive partner to an active one. Her need to breathe finally makes her tear away her mouth from his. But undeterred, his lips start their journey of discovery towards her neck and shoulder. Her neck falls back like a broken stem and with a groan he pushes her to the wall. She pulls off his eye glasses and he pulls her plush against him and takes her mouth again and again and again. Finally the tempest subsides a little and both of them become aware of their surroundings. With a small bite his lips leave hers for the time being.

Anji: mamma, whats taking him so long? May be Nidhi is not talking and he is trying to force her into a corner. May be I should go and check. Aap ne Dr Ashutosh ko ooper bheja hi kyon?

Shyama: Anji, tum baat ko samajh nahi rahi ho. Nidhi is in love with him. there is nothing you can do about it. and yes, she is hurt now but shutting him off completely is not going to resolve the issue. Koi bhi hal baat karne se hi nikalti hain beta. if Nidhi has suffered during the last 5 months, today, I saw the same reflection of pain in the eyes of Dr Ashutosh too. Anji, pyaar karna bahut aasaan hain. par usse har haal mein nibhaana bahut mushkil. Aur inn dono ne apne pyaar ko nibhaane mein koi kami nahi chodi. Have a little faith beta. please.

Anji listens intently to everything her mom has said with a thoughtful look on her face.

Ashu is sitting on the floor with his feet stretched out and his back against the parapet wall. And Nidhi is lying down with her head in his lap while his fingers softly comb through her hair and take her injured hand in his free hand.

Ashu: haath abhibhi dukh raha hain kya? (a soft kiss to the palm)

Nidhi shakes her head as in a no: zyaada nahi. Just when I raise it up a little bit.

Ashu: aaj bandage change kiya?

Nidhi: ji. And I think I can remove them off tomorrow completely. Will heal faster that way na.

Ashu: gussa kam hua?

Nidhi: gusse ki baat nahi hain Dr Ashutosh. dard hua tha. Aap ne itna bada faisla akele leliye aur bin bataaye chale gaye aur mein yahan ek paagal ki tarah…(he closes her mouth with his palm)

Ashu: paagal toh mein horaha tha Nidhi. agar Rohan wahan nahi hota toh ab tak… but I didn't know any other way Nidhi. mein buss yahi sochta raha ki agar mein yeh 5 maheene akelepan se dosti karli toh zindagi bhar keliye tumhaara saath milega..(a few moments of silence and then)

Nidhi:  Par yeh baat mein zindagi bhar nahi bhoolongi. I am not saying I will hold a grudge. Just that there are somethings in our life that always stay with us no matter what. And this is one of them.

Ashu: I agree. These 5 months will stay with me too. Nidhi, apne baba par bhi gussa chod dogi toh….Nidhi, you are really lucky to have such a caring father. Whatever he did, he did because he cares about you. it was his way of reassuring himself that his daughter is not going to invite pain into her life.

Nidhi thinks it over for a few moments: aap ghar jaate samay mujhe mere ghar mein chodkar jaayiyega. (Ashu gives her a small smile)

Ashu: toh chalo chalte hain. hey, where are my glasses?

Nidhi smilingly opens her other palm and extends them. he takes out his hanky, wipes them and puts them back on. Both make their way down.

DB opens the door when the door bell rings but as soon as she sees who is standing on the other side, she angrily turns and walks away angrily. CV comes to the door with a frowning look but as soon as he sees Nidhi and Ashu standing there, his frown melts and he gives them a warm broad smile. "arre Nidhi beta. why are you standing there? come inside na. you too Ashutosh. please come in.

Ashu: no sir that's fine. I just came to drop Nidhi back home. Ab mein chalta hoon.

CV: no no no. I have to tell you both something. So please come inside for a minute.

(Ashu comes in) have a seat.

Nidhi: baba, I just wanted to say that I am sorry for…