Joined: 24 July 2012
How To Kill In 10 Lessons
Congratulations Shyam, on having killed your first pillow... oops, baby. We have seen how difficult the climb is from plain moneysucker to successful murderer. Along the way there have been many misses. However, the fact that you failed to kill an old man, a psychotic, husband-obsessed wife who'd have gladly set herself on fire had you only asked her to with behad pyaar, a diabetic man held in captivity for 13 days and another pea-brained, klutzy woman with no sense of self-preservation, and who loses all mobility when tied and bound, did not deter you. I admire your resilience Shyam. After having attempted four murders, after having plundered the natural, chemical, electrical and medical worlds to come up with the most ingenious of murder plans, after having seen plan after plan fail, you did not give up. No, you still found the courage to wake up day after day, look at the breathing forms of all those whose breaths you failed to permanently take away, snarl at the world, periodically sleep with and get the bosom of one whose bosom's heaving you failed to smother in the first place to heave some more and come up with yet more complex and incomprehensible plans to do people in. Now, this is what is called tikaaw to one's goal and mission. Thank you for such apt exemplification of this nayi soch.
Now, after having witnessed your methodology with rapt attention and deep admiration, I have come up with a plan of sorts to help you in your future bloody endeavours. You remain of course, the master of murderers, and I dare not presume that I am more knowledgeable than you in this field, or any other field actually. This is merely a fan's attempt to help you. Please see this as some anaemically thin girl with bum length horse hair and the fairest of skin sporting a micro skirt and microer (my newly-invented word) than micro cloth-less... oops, backless top, cheering and cheerleading you on with giant pompoms.
I will first lay out your amazingly brilliant way of going about killing people. This is only to make those people who have disdainfully stopped watching you to become familiar with your awesomeness. This is also an attempt to get them to watch you again, for I know you love being on the centre stage and have millions of eyes riveted on you while you make a fool out of of yourself... oops, laptop slip, meant to type while you deliver an amazing performance of whatever you wanted to do. So, here goes Murder Planning A La Shyamu:
1. Locate a target
Well, you obviously need a person to kill. Now, how to go about choosing this person? Our Shyamu, idealistic and fair person that he is, truly believes that everybody is equal. He does not need specific reasons to target someone; after all, that would be shameful discrimination. Our Shyamu is not the type of person who would kill only the rich, even the destitute get his equal attention. And motivation? Well, in this world, why do we always need a selfish reason to do something? Why not just do something for the good of the world just for the sake of doing it and without expecting anything in return? This is exactly what Shyamu is trying to do by trying to kill people left and right without any clear motivation... ah, what a man.
2. Come up with a murder plan
Now comes the interesting part. How to kill. And our Shyamu is so creative. He comes up with the most innovative of murder plans. His imagination has no match. We had a poisonous bichoo stored in a mithaayi box identical to the thousands of other mithaayi boxes ordered, an inflammatory fuel, car wire cutting... ah, everything was there, except the good stars. The plans would have definitely succeeded, if not for the malicious tricks played by a scorned Lady Luck (Lady Luck had been pursuing Shyamu for so long, but Shyamu had done what any self-respecting two-women man would have done and rejected her advances, hence his bad luck), for it was Lady Luck who sent busybody HP to the mithaayi box, it was again a furious woman who magically diluted the inflammatory liquid and made Anjali's driver super competent...
Again, here our Shyamu does not bother with details. His thinking process is simple, and environment-friendly (given the minimal number of thought steps):
1. Watch Bollywood films from the 60s
2. Take one murder plan idea from it (the moment the murder idea is shown, switch off the tv to save energy; it is not important to know how the filmy villain fared since I am definitely better)
3. Let idea fester in the brain, and mix it with imagination. Common sense and logical parts of brains are shut down for energy saving purposes.
4. After 5 minutes of deep thinking while sitting and rocking on a rocking chair and trying to look intelligent while stoking one's snarling mouth and chin, get up and go to the nearest dukaan and get the cheapest murder accessories you need. For budgeting costs, it is recommeneded that only one accessory be used per murder plan - either a bichoo or fuel or scissors.
5. Implement the plan.
Short, sweet and simple - just like dearest Shyamu. However, when one is in Lady Luck's bad books, this fails to work. Hence, a small deviation is required from the above plan to ensure that the murder is successful.
What chaalaak Shyamu does is that he directs two murder plans at the same person. He merges two murder plans, or rather, forces them to overlap. Hence, while Lady Luck is busy foiling the first one, the second plan may work - after all, women, even the celestial ones, cannot multitask, as exemplified by Sitanjali of the famed Sheesh Parikshaa, who cannot focus on her baby and on her husband at the same time. Only one can be on her mind at a given time, and she chose to let the pati be on her mind at all times.
Therefore, this is the secret of murdering success: direct two murder plans at your target - glass shards and exposed wires combined do make for an awesome plan - and a murder, or at the very least a pillowcide, is guaranteed. While some may argue that the target's stupidity also played a major role in this, I counter-argue that, well, this is again one of the reasons why Shyam is so brilliant: he CHOSE the most stupid being on earth to marry, and kill, which makes the work easier for him.
Now, coming back to the anaemically thin cheerleader, here is what I propose you do to reform... oh, sorry, wrong choice of word, indeed, you are so good, why do you need to reform... I meant to say, to refine your top villain image. You see, there are other villains who want to compete with you, some are even planning bomb attacks. So, to shine at the awards, and get to snarl some more, please read, if not heed, the following advice:
Focus is important. You need to decide on a mission and stick to that mission only. I know you can juggle many balls, but the audience is not as intelligent as you are, they cannot follow on your multiple plans, and relate your actions to them. Just an example: First you were after the money. Then we saw you trying to kill the golden goose. Then you were after Khushi. Then we saw you hibernating while she was married to your BIL. Then you wanted the money again and saw the property in your wife's name. And here, you planned some majestic kidnapping of one of Delhi's most famous businessmen, instead of coochie cooing the property out of the wife. Now, though you don't have the money, you say that you want to separate Arnav and Khushi, but all your actions smell of Anjali-Arnav separation. A few episodes later, we hear that you have embarked on a return to Shanivan mission. And then there's dadi - you say that she is ineffective, that she cannot bring you back to RM, so now we cannot understand why you brought her back from the aashram in the first place. And after this week, we don't even know if you want to avenge the two girly slaps from Arnav since you seemed to enjoy his punches so much and did not mind them a bit... You see, I know that there is some master plan behind all this, I know that there is a reason that is tying all these apparently pointless, random and unrelated missions together, I know you are intelligent and that there is a point to the control room and to the gloves that served to sprinkle pre-packaged glass shards... I ask only this of you: would you please care to elaborate more on the reasons behind your actions, and the motivations? I know it is hard to deal with a stupid audience, but what to do? A brilliant villain like you is stuck with nincompoops like us, so please, in the future, care to snarl less, and elaborate more.
I know that you are a sort of Raja Harishchanda with your murder attempts, and believe in murder equality. That is why you adopted the 'murder for all' motto. But dear, in this kalyug, no Harishchanda is appreciated. You need to become selfish. You need to pick and choose your targets, you need to have specific, clear-cut and strong reasons for killing someone.
This may cost you more energy, but planning and strategising are of utmost importance. See, you cannot just, on the spur of the moment, go buy bichoos and perfumes, without securing an appropriate home for your latest pet or checking the perfume's expiry date. Also, while Lady Luck may have a crush on you, it is not advisable to always rely on her. You see, women are fickle creatures, they change sides easily. So better stay on the safety bank, instead of taking unnecessary risks.
It is imperative that you stay hidden from the world's eyes. While this tip my not be applicable to you, given that you chose a blind and stupid family to fool, it is worth mentioning, especially given your latest habits of borrowing clothes from random people. While you did earn bonus marks for that tache (given that the thing was only half of a moustache, it will be referred to only as a tache; for the sight of a full moustache in all its glory, please contact Lallan ji for signed photos of himself) and the Bin Laden invisibility beard, purchased at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, that clothes borrow was a definite no no. As Dr Joanc rightly pointed out, how do you know that the guy did not just return from a coochie cooing session with a girlfriend who lives in the leper colony of puraani Dilli?
I understand that it is hard, after having enjoyed unlimited money flow for more than three years, to understand and implement the concept of cost cutting, but given your current situation, it is imperative that you do not waste precious money on faltoo costs, such as cameras - it's very cool to own the sexy gadgets, but whenever you want to buy some in the future, just ask yourself if you really need them - or trips to aashrams to bring back ineffective old hags. That money would have been better invested elsewhere, like in new clothes for instance.
6. Actual Murder
After having carefully laid out the murder plan, look for all loopholes and ensure that the plan is foolproof. The plan should be short, simple, intelligent and as undhamaakedaar as possible - for it's easy to get burnt from one's own dhamaakaas. I know you are very experienced, but a little safety (and realism) does not hurt anyone now, does it?
What's a villain who cannot act like a non-villain in front of the persons he wants to fool? Ok, you got the easiest lambs to fry, but that does not mean that you can get lazy and stop working on those acting skills. What was that crying session in the hospital? While the Malik females lapped it all up (KKGSR included, since at the core, the SR is not SR but M), because of the unique effect your pheromones have on them, I can safely assume that nobody else believed you... I know, I know... it's hard to be sad when there's a party in your mind, but that's part of the job, and part of your villain kartavya... Either you learn how to cry or you don't cry at all. And about that perpetual snarl and demented grin - they are a dead giveaway to your psychotic self. Please hide them, if you can't get rid of them permanently.
8. Background Score
Do not tell me that you are not responsible for that one... If Arnav and Khushi make up their own Rabba Vey, then surely, it must be you who makes the Daiyaa Ho. I know, you will say that appearances do not count, impressive background score makes not for an impressive villain, for all that mighty ASR background tune, in yesterday's epi, in a matter of seconds, all of ASR's laws against the villain were broken, for all that Rabba Vey Arnav is still at almost kiss while I have already upgraded to complete murder from the almost murder status with my Daiyaa Ho... Well, yes, but still, you are already wearing phate haal clothes - why do you want to have a phate haal, fishermen fishing reminder of a background music? And yes, in IPK, appearances do count - some people even got married as a result of witnessing some apparent extra-marital coochie cooing. So you better change that background score before attempting to kill someone mightier than a pillow.
Never forget your brains anywhere (if you have them that is... oh don't get riled up; this comment was for aspiring murderers, I know how brainy you are - isn't this post all about your intelligence?). I admit it must not be taking much brains to do brainless people in, but with Lady Luck against you, you never know. So better use them. Anyway, look what happened when menaka Khushi had frozen them temporarily during the kidnapping track - you were eventually slapped out, so better not make this mistake this time. Also, it would be good if you started romancing Lady Luck - you never know when that can be helpful. Just do what you must have done with your wife - imagine it's Khushi.
10. Eat, Pray, Kill
Finally, when you have reason, target, motivation, strategy for pre, during and post murder and accessories, it's time to implement. Do so with a cool head and without a demented smile. Do not count your chickens before they hatch. Kill, but kill with restraint and calmness, and rid the world of annoying women. The devil's with you. Good luck.
Shyam ji, I hope that you liked the tips. I am sorry if the tone was a bit matronising (my newly-invented word - I am a female, in my mind I can be patronising only after a string of painful surgeries) but you see... this recent murder success of yours has kindled a new hope in me. Now that I know that you can really do it (not that I had any doubts before, this success just jolted my dormant bloody fantasies in action), so I wanted to be as helpful as I could. You see, some people have been annoying of late, like Payash, Khushi, Anjali, dadi... Now if you could please, after having gotten your hands on whatever dough, whether papery or fleshy, that you want, kill these people off, I would be eternally grateful. I wish you luck in all your future bloody endeavours.
Author's Note: This was also posted on myeDuniya. Thank you for reading... And sorry. I know you hate the man's guts, but my hands were tied by a foolish vaadaa I had made to they guy. I had promised Shyam that if he managed to do any one of the motley crew in, I'd dedicate a whole post to his awesomeness. So when he managed to do a pillow in, I was compelled to write. Thanks @ Joanc for her awesome Pushing Anjali Down The Stairs post (on myeDuniya) for having inspired me, and making writing more enjoyable to me. And thank you to all readers, who are a constant encouragement. Credits, as always, are shared with Joanc and Aashna.
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And she actually went on to copy his hairstyle too.
Are you excited already?
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