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OS- Surrogate fatherhood - last part Pg 2 (Page 2)

Sujatha.rao IF-Rockerz
Sujatha.rao
Sujatha.rao

Joined: 28 November 2010
Posts: 6769

Posted: 03 September 2012 at 9:45am | IP Logged

Part 4


The water drops from her hair were like a blessing from heaven. A blessing that he thought he had lost forever. A blessing that he is convinced he does not deserve anymore after yesterday. He wakes up from a beautiful dream to the barrenness of ugly reality, only to realize that it was no dream after all. She sits beside him like always, splashing droplets of water from her hair onto his face.

"Aap yeh bin mausam barsaat roz chahte the na?"

"What is the point of rain in a desert, Nidhi? "

"it is for the rain to decide where it it shall shower its abundance!"

Ashutosh closes his eyes in defeat.

"What happened yesterday?"

"My mask of humanity fell off and I saw who I was...and I could not handle what I saw?"

"What did you see?"

"An ugly man...a man who is so overcome by his desire for a child that he looks for a vicarious means of satisfaction...he tries to play father to the child of a woman who betrayed his wife in the worst possible way...and he justifies it in the name of humanity,...and when his wife questions him on the same, he leaves her with no choice but to leave home...and then when he listens to a conversation about a man who is willing to abandon his barren wife, he curses that man to hell and beyond...not realizing that he is no better than that man...while consenting to her desire for a career and her request for keeping a family on hold, he secretly betrays his wife by taking his desires elsewhere...I have betrayed you in the worst possible way, Nidhi!"

Nidhi was silent for a while.

"And you offered yourself as a balm to this ugly, broken soul...and I grabbed it with both hands because I knew this was probably going to be my last taste of heaven before I was condemned to perdition!"

Nidhi exhaled heavily.

"So, why do you think I offered to be this balm...despite knowing that you had done what you had done...?"

"I don't know...maybe you wanted to punish me with more kindness?"

"And why would I punish myself?"

He looks at her brokenly, not knowing what to say!

"Why do you punish yourself for being human and imperfect?"

"Because being perfect and principled was what gave me my identity!"

"And the love we share?"

"That is my soul?"

"And your soul is not your identity?"

He did not know what to say to that.

"Ashtuosh, isn't it time you accepted that neither of us is perfect...we have our own insecurities and fears, some of them legitimate, some of them not, some of then nasty and some of them downright ugly?"

He looks at her intently.

"I know you are wondering about the dropping of the prefix. I think we need to start this relationship on a more equal footing. Our professional roles should not compromise our personal relationship!"

"I am sorry for the time I shouted at you in the hospital corridor!"

"And I am sorry for not realizing that I was talking to my senior who is also my husband. A hint of disrespect from me and you are compromised both professionally and personally!"

"Nidhi...please do not think of this as an excuse...but I did not know that I had overstepped the boundaries of humaneness and ventured into the territory of personal desires...I did not know that I was trying to enjoy fatherhood through Mallika's child...I did not even believe you when you told me...but she caught me out yesterday when I asked her why she had not let me accompany her for the scan?"

Nidhi visibly flinched.

"I am sorry, Nidhi...but I do not want to hold back any ugly truths today...I want you to see my ugly face in all its glory...and decide if you still want your life soiled by it...you were right in leaving me that day, Nidhi...you have every right to regret this marriage!"

"Did you regret marrying me when I put my career ahead of your happiness?"

"Why would I, Nidhi? The child is a joy that I long for...but you are my life and soul...of what use is a joy when you don't have a life?"

Nidhi's eyes welled up with tears.

"Why didn't you say this the day I wanted to leave? I would never have left you if I'd heard this!"

"I thought you knew. I thought you felt this truth in every caress and every kiss that we exchanged. Intimacy is not just about libido, Nidhi. It is a way of expressing love and longing, it is a way of seeking acceptance. Every time you accepted me within you, I felt more secure and less abandoned. I can't help the scars of my childhood, Nidhi. They make the darkness of the night that much more scary!"

Nidhi threw herself in his arms and hugged his head to her chest.

"My baby...is that why you couldn't sleep without me by your side? You wanted my scent at least for company to reassure you that you were not abandoned?"

He looked at her with his heart in his eyes and she fell in love with the man all over again, this man with his ugliness, his insecurities, his ego and his principles. This man who strove to be a good man and who broke down when he realized that he had not lived up to his own expectations. A man with a conscience in a world without one!

"Ashutosh. Why did you not tell me more about your insecurities...about your deep rooted desire for a child...why did you let me assume that you are alright with it...why did you not break my bubble?"

"Because I saw that you were so happy with the bubble...I did not want to break it...you have given up so much to marry me, Nidhi...I wanted with all my heart to give you those two years...and I did not want to grudge you the time...I wanted you to achieve your ambitions without a semblance of guilt..."

"And in the process you kept your desires buried deep within...and decided to air them where they would be of help to someone...someone on whom they would not be a burden...?"

Her voice broke and she could not contain the sob that erupted.

"Forgive me for driving you to this, Ashutosh...forgive me for somewhere not recognizing the strength of your needs and trying to meet them!"

"Nidhi...the need is strong...but not just for a baby...what I want is your complete and unconditional acceptance...and the baby is proof of that acceptance...it will make sure you don't leave me ever again!"

"You fool...why do we need a baby for that...we are so much a part of each other...we own each other's souls...even if we are stupid enough to walk away from each other, our love is a strong enough bond to bring us back together!"

"I know that now...all your anger couldn't keep you away yesterday when you sensed that I needed you!""

"That is all i want,,,to know that you need me...that you will not seek someone else simply because I am unable to fulfil your need!"

"Is that what you thought?"

"It is what my guilt taught me to think,,,,and then this was Mallika...someone who has time and again exercised her claim over you...finally. she could offer you what I could not...I was terrified that...!"

He put his hand over her mouth.

"Nidhi, you are me,,,,what need can supersede my need of myself...?"

She draws a deep breath and nods.

"You know Mallika delivered me a verbal slap yesterday,..when she told me that I should share with you and you alone the joys of parenthood...and no vicarious or second hand experiences should be allowed to sully the experience...!"

"She said that?"

Ashutosh nods his head.

"That was when I realized what I had actually been doing...believe me, Nidhi...I would never let myself wantonly betray you emotionally...!"

"Hush...that was no betrayal...that  was just...just...!"

"It was, Nidhi...let us not delude ourselves!"

"So if you betrayed me emotionally with another woman's child, then I betrayed you emotionally when I put my career ahead of your needs!"

"You are comparing apples and oranges to make me feel better!"

"I am just saying we are both guilty of different things but that we need to put them behind us and move on!"

"Are you sure? You think you can forgive me for this? I am not sure if I can?"

"Stop trying to be Mr Perfect and you will be fine...accept that you are human enough,...like the rest of us...and we will be fine!"

"Promise to never leave me again...if I am stupid or obstinate or pigheaded or whatever, just give me one tight slap and make me listen...I think I missed out on my quota of spankings from my childhood!"

"When we have our kids, I'll make sure you share in their quota!"

"You lay a finger on our kids and I will...?"

"What will you do?"

"I will not lay a finger on you?"

"You can do that?"

"Well, it is incredibly hard...but I will find the strength from somewhere to do it?"

"And what if I lay a finger on you?"

"Then I am a goner!"

"Let us both be goners today then!"

 

The door to their bedroom does not open till mid afternoon that day.

Baba sends up a thank you prayer to his daughter up there for setting right her daughter and son-in-law's life and love.

 

 



Edited by Sujatha.rao - 03 September 2012 at 10:47am

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amit1944aarti1303sharma.shivanivanillaflowersPooliciousBinathilarious44SSA777jayasree.raossss97chitlonershobha21Aazeen02

Sujatha.rao IF-Rockerz
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Posted: 03 September 2012 at 9:52am | IP Logged
okay people...that's it from me...


Thanks Aru...glad you liked it!

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vanillaflowersSSA777hilarious44fanktlkaru29shobha21Aazeen02

SSA777 Goldie
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Posted: 03 September 2012 at 10:18am | IP Logged
Sujatha,

wow - it was great.  Just came back from a week away and caught up with the episodes.  I knew the separation was coming up, but when it does, it actually takes your breath away.  I hope the serial turns out the same as your OS.

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hilarious44shobha21Sujatha.raoAazeen02

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Posted: 03 September 2012 at 10:28am | IP Logged
wow!!! It was really nice... I loved it... Since I was reading about their MUs, n nidhi leaving home, I was just thinking, if ever Ashu gets terribly sick, no other better way is it to bring nidhi back... watever they do, but at the end they love each other a lot... n wont leave each other in such a condition... U very well portrayed it... Thanx 4 the os... 

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SSA777hilarious44shobha21

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Posted: 03 September 2012 at 10:34am | IP Logged
Wow sujatha that was simply awesomeClap...the way yoo made ashu realize was simply amazing...no words to express my emotions...ashu having panic attack...imagining his condition brought tears to my eyes...u are a great writer...thanx for making such wonderful efforts n letting us read an amazing piece of ur workClap

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SSA777shobha21

mudraswathi IF-Stunnerz
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Posted: 03 September 2012 at 10:39am | IP Logged
Good post Sujatha.Tongue

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SSA777shobha21

sharma.shivani Senior Member
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Posts: 281

Posted: 03 September 2012 at 12:07pm | IP Logged
Sujatha i always knew you were a fabulous, fantastic writer but this was out of this world.  Loved how you showed their respective insecurities and brought them together. This is what is needed in the show...them communicating. 

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shobha21

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Posted: 03 September 2012 at 1:35pm | IP Logged
 As always... Beautiful... Thank you for such a touching OS... 

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