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Note: This one's for you Nisha!
'Love, can be far more destructive than hate'
I looked at his deep brown eyes, filled with pain and dejection. His eyes told a story, his egoistic, angry face another. They showed the hurt suffered by a man who had been rejected by me so many times. A man who had kept coming back for me every time I pushed him away. Unmoving, he stood in front of me, all mine. A person who would have walked to the end of this universe and come right back if I had asked him to. How had I ever had the audacity to hurt him?
I didn't understand then, that I had the power in me to hurt somebody so badly, that he would never recover. That a person could, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.
'Let me go, Rahul! Just leave me!' I tried to pull away from him.
'C'mon Maanvi. It's just a swimming pool!'
'Leave me alone!'
'C'mon babe! Stop being so cranky! It's not like I'm luring you into my bedroom' he said seductively.
Hearing him speak such filth, I looked at him and spat right on his face.
He reeled back for a second, half-paralyzed in shock. I took advantage of his momentary distraction and pulled away from him. But he was just too strong. He pulled me back with his stone-like arms and held me like a hunter holds his prey. He pulled me close to his chest, his dangerous heart beating furiously against my spine. He breathed in my scent and seemed to relish it. He held me so tightly, with his arms around me, like boa constrictors that there was no way to wriggle out of his grasp. I knew what was coming next. I knew what he would try to do. I have seen enough of what my mother had gone through, and I just would not, ever, go through the same.
I closed my eyes, sent a tiny prayer to God, asking him to help me this once and planted a well aimed kick on his guts.
He screamed in horror and fell back into the swimming pool. A sudden splash. A loud shriek of pain. And then, silence. I didn't want to turn back and look at his disgusting face, but something made me look behind. I watched in horror as I saw him floating lifelessly in the pool that was slowly turning crimson red.
I felt like I had been turned to stone. I suddenly felt lifeless. I had killed someone. Again. Wow! I must really be a witch. I stood frozen, unmoving beside the pool; the only sign of life being the tears that were gushing from my eyes and the sound of people rushing towards the pool. Some people were chattering around me. A girl screamed. Someone was screaming. I didn't know who.
Warm hands found my shoulders and I found myself being led away from the whole mess. I didn't see who it was, but I knew it was him. Viraat. Who else would be my savior?
He took me a deserted room and locked it from the inside. I didn't have it in me to look into his sincere eyes, filled with nothing, but untainted, undying love for me, and tell him that I had murdered someone. I didn't have a heart strong enough to survive his rejection. The world could hate me and point at me all they wanted, but if Viraat were to ever think ill of me, I would perish in an instant.
He pulled my chin up with his hands, and told me, 'It's ok.'
I looked up in shock as I understood what he meant. He knew. He always knew. How, I guess I'd never know. He knew it was my fault a guy was lying lifeless in a swimming pool. He knew that the same hand he has holding was the same that had pushed Rahul off the cliff of life a few moments ago. He knew that the eyes he said he had fallen in love had been boiling with blood and rage a few seconds ago and still he said that it was okay?
'Viraat. ..I... I don't know how... I just...'
'It's okay.' He told me.
'Viraat, I didn't mean to...'
'It's okay Maanvi.'
'Maanvi. I saw what he was trying to do. I ran towards you, but before I could reach you, you had already pushed him down. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry Maanvi.'
'Why are you apologizing Viraat?'
'Because I promised to protect you from the world. From yourself. And I went back on it. I'm truly, truly sorry Maanvi. I just...'
His words were drowned as I pulled his face down to mine and kissed him.
The warmth of his breath lit me up like a candle. A rush of heat started in my chest and slowly spread throughout my body, reaching every last limb. I parted my lips slightly as I let him explore the unknown. He leaned forward slowly, his hand brushing the hair out of my face and he slowly locked his lips on mine, permanently gluing them to his. His lips were rough and smooth, just like the way he was. He moved them around in circles and my heart swelled, his breathing sounding deep and loud in my ear.
His rugged, strong hands found their way to my waist and I felt the rumble of a soft moan as he let his instincts take over. His arms wrapped strongly around my waist, protectively holding me close to him, shielding me from every sorrow on the face of this planet. My heart is speeding with adrenalin and my mind forgot about every trouble, about every misery as I got lost in the arms of the man I loved so much.
'Answer me dammit! ANSWER ME!'
I wanted to reach out and grab his hand and hold it to me, right over my heart, right where it aches the most. I don't know if doing that would heal me or make my heart break entirely, but either way this constant hungry waiting would be over. I couldn't hold myself any longer. I had been strong long enough. I just couldn't go on being so heartless to the man who owned my heart. My feelings found their way to my face as my eyes got welled with tears.
'Viraat.' I said as I fell into his arms.
I clutched his shirt and cried my heart out.
I was silent for a while as she grabbed hold of my shirt and continued to cry. Was this what I had wanted? For her to sob at the mere demand for the truth? All I wanted to know was that. The truth. Why was it so hard to speak about?
I pulled her away from myself and pushed her to the wall. For once, I didn't see the wonders of her eyes. My eyes were fixed on the face that had haunted my every day, troubled my every night.
'Do you know the feeling, when your heart is so hurt, that you could feel the blood dripping?' I asked her.
She remained mum.
'When you care so much for someone that you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it?'
Her silence aggravated the void in my chest that was beginning to fill with anger. Quiet, defeated anger that guaranteed me the right to my hurt; hurt that believed no one other wound possibly understand hurt any worse.
'Is this love, do you think?' I whispered.
'Being crazy about someone no matter how much they hurt you?'
There was no other way to say it. After being heartbroken for so long, I had made myself completely numb inside. Maybe not from physical pain, but anything emotional, yes. Sexual pleasure? Numb to that, too. I'd have been a great actor. After all, I had the perfect, mind-blowing orgasm down to an art. I suppose I deserve an Oscar for that.
She managed to look up at me after a silence that felt like eternity and said, 'I'm sorry Viraat.'
'Sorry? That's all you've got? For all that you've said and done, you think a sorry is enough?'
My heart raging with fury, I grabbed her arms strongly, knowing it would hurt her and said, 'Sorry doesn't mean anything! Not when you have left my questions unanswered. It's not just that you left'it's that you never bothered to explain why you did what you did. You left, never to come back, leaving me in pieces Maanvi!'
'Then, my body burned to see you with Steve. Just when I somehow managed to convince myself that maybe Steve wasn't the one who loved, maybe it was me; you pushed me away and said that it was Steve you that you wanted. And now, six years later, I see you engaged to someone else. What's his name this time? Rishab?'
'It just goes on and on Maanvi. I keep showing how much I love you and you keep showing me how much you don't. I keep trying to come closer and you keep trying push me away. I keep trying to convince myself that you're not a part of my life, and you keep proving me wrong by hurting me so bad. Why Maanvi? Why do you hate me this much?'
She tried to say something, but this time, this moment, I just didn't want to listen to her. I wanted her, to listen to me.
'When you left, I thought you were gone forever, I thought you'd walked away from everything, because I had failed, because I destroyed the only thing that ever mattered to me - your faith in me. I waited for you to come back and give me an explanation, but you didn't.'
My fingernails dug into the palms of my hands, and my teeth bit into my lips, my knees were locked, but I could not faint. I had to tell her what it felt like, being without her all these years.
'I was not weak; I did not cry. But it hurt me, more in a kind of refreshing, thrilling way, than a kind of pain that would cripple me and send me away crying. This was the kind of hurt that could only be inflicted by someone you loved, who you thought loved you. It was sort of like being stabbed from the inside out.'
She looked at me, her eyes filled with some undefined emotion. A sentiment I was unable to read.
I couldn't breathe for a while as I finished my rant. The disappointment that had been buried in my heart for so long, the agony that had been ruining my life, the angst that had been tearing my heart into tiny little broken pieces kept following out as I found it difficult to control the volcano that had erupted in me.
'You know how it hurts every single time I see you with someone else? How I hate it that someone else makes you smile, and that there's nothing I can do to stop this. I can't think straight, and everything hurts, and nothing makes sense anymore. You're shredding my heart with one hand and stroking your ego with the other. And it's killing me, Maanvi. You're killing me.'
'And it's only going to get worse.'
She looked up in surprise, probably wondering how it could get any worse than this.
'I would have done anything for you. Anything.'
'But this is what I will do from now; I will hurt you.'
'I will hurt you the way you hurt me, and I will make you understand the pain of the wound you have inflicted on me. I will show you what it feels like to be a walking corpse. I promise you, I will.'
With that, I walked away and pushed my way out
of the door...and as the door eased shut, I realized that I had demonstrated
another way 'I love you' could be said without actually uttering the phrase.
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