VirMan FF |Hate How Much I Love You| Part 5 Pg 19 - Page 9

Part 3

Questions Galore

Viraat.

Saudade.

A unique Portuguese-Galician word that has no immediate translation in English. Saudadedescribes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. It often carried a repressed knowledge what the object of longing might never return. It is related to the feelings of longing; of yearning. We had learnt that at school.

I felt like I had been stuck is Saudade for quite some time.  Six years now. Hasn't it been a long time? Shouldn't I be over her by now? After all, she had never been mine to begin with. So who cares if she is betrothed to somebody else now? Who cares if she wears a promise ring, pledging her life to someone else now? Who cares if her hands are held in someone else's? Who cares?

I do. I just do. I loved her then and I love her now, Saudade be damned. There's no way around this mess. The fact remained that she held me captive a long time and she still does. There's no pleading to the jailer for a day out when you know you're imprisoned for life.There's no way you can breathe in water when you know it is air that you need to survive.

So maybe that was the wrong question to ask. I should ask myself, 'Why?'

Why was she betrothed to someone else? Why was she wearing a promise ring, pledging her life to someone else? Why were her hands held in someone else's? Why?

I needed to know. It was essential.

I called out to the waiter passing by and slipped a five-hundred rupee note into his waist-coat. I whispered the instructions into his ears. He nodded to show he understood and bowed down to me.

I looked in her direction as the waiter approached her and looking around innocently, he deliberately spilled the glass of whiskey on her sari.

'"My god, can't you be more careful? What do we pay you for?" Rishi yelled.

"I'm sorry sir, I's really sorry ma'am...I just...I just.."

"I just what?" Rishi demanded and grabbed the waiter's collar.

"It's all right..I'll just go change.." she said softly.

"Maanvi.." he said.

Just hearing her name got a hundred strings pushing and pulling at me in a million different ways. If I tried to define those million ways, describe them even to myself, words would be useless. Even if I had forever to explain, there would still be things left unsaid.

***

"You knew what happened that night all along? You could have turned me in. Why didn't you?" she asked me.

"It's true I knew what had happened the other night. I knew how you found out about the man who had been supplying the dope to your brother. I knew how he tried to force him into buying a fresh batch even though he didn't want to. I knew how your brother tried to walk away. I knew how the man's gang surrounded him and forced the drugs on him. I knew."

"I saw how you tried to keep him safe. I saw how you tried in vain to get out of the mess. And I saw how you did. You did what you had to do."

"Doesn't that bother you at all Viraat? The fact that the girl you're in love with is a murderer, doesn't it disgust you?"

"You killed that animal to protect your brother. It was involuntary. Tell me, what if he had been messing around with you that night? What if he had tried to force himself on you that instance? What if I had smashed the bottle on his head in a bid to protect you? Would you have called me a murderer?"

She remained silent. Tears welled up in her eyes, and I hastened to wipe them away. I took her hands in mine and said, "Maanvi, it doesn't matter to me what you did. It really doesn't make a difference to me. All that matters is how it affected you. How you became even more depressed after that night. How you started using drugs yourself after that incident. How you stopped smiling altogether after that incident."

She choked and I rubbed her back. Still in tears, she managed to say, "I don't know how it happened Viraat. One second I thought I had it all in control, and the next second, everything spilled out of control. Viraat, my brother would have died that night if I hadn't stepped in. Viraat, there was no other way.."

"I know Maanvi..I know..."

"I tried to push them away but they were just too big. My brother, the only one left in this world who loved me truly ; who I loved with all my heart ... was dying and I...I ...just couldn't think of what else to do..."

She kept weeping and the tears kept flowing. I pulled her into my arms and stroked her hair.

"Viraat..I..I really couldn't think..My mind stopped working. I just didn't know what to do. That's when I saw that bottle lying on the ground. That's when I picked it and smashed it right into that man's head. That's when I..I just..I didn't how...it happened..I just.."

Tears flowed out of my own eyes as I felt the remorse that had been haunting her for so long. I could feel the pain that she had been trying to hide for all this time. The wound that had never healed. The guilt that had remained. The shame that had been binding her. This is why she had drawn into her own cocoon after that night...I kissed her hair, trying to comfort her, unable to say anything more.

She had gone through so much, so young. My problems seemed like nothing compared to hers. I had never had a family to begin..She had had a family that had been broken apart. My mother was not much of a mother to begin with..Maanvi had had a loving mother who left her mid-way through life. My father had died before I was born..Maanvi did have a father, but one who had cheated on their family and left them in shambles. I never had a sibling..Maanvi had a brother, an adoring and doting one at that, but she had nearly lost him to the world of narcotics and drugs.

To not have something you'd love to have is a bad feeling. But to have it and then lose it; what to say ..it sure hurts like hell.

She had a right to be miserable and she had a right to vent out her fury on the world. The world had never been fair to her. I promised myself that I would take care of her from now. I would not let them cause her any more harm than they already had.

I would protect my warrior from the rest of the universe. I would be her shield for eternity.

***

"Do you know how expensive the dress was? Do you know it cost more than your entire family's lifetime of earnings?" he continued to yell. Onlookers looked on at the drama that had just begun.

"Rishi, relax! Calm down, its ok. I'll just go change. It's alright..Let him go" she said and turned away from the crowd.

***

Maanvi.

I tried to wipe away the stain but it seemed permanent. There was no other way to drape this sari to hide the spot. I'll have to take out a new one. I picked another one from the wardrobe and went into the washroom to change.

Changing the blouse and draping the sari took a while, with all the knots that had to be tied and the folds that had to be put in place. I reached out for the pins but I couldn't find them. Maybe I had left them on the dresser itself.

I reached my dresser, but there were no pins. Only droplets of blood. I recoiled in horror as I saw the trail of blood leading out into the balcony. A lone man stood there. I could recognize him in an instant.

Viraat was here. And he was bleeding. I hurriedly took out the first aid-box and rushed to him, afraid he was hurt. As I walked up to him, I saw his left hand closed tightly, with a pool of blood lying below it. I didn't have the courage to look at him anymore. I wanted to see his face; to look into his eyes and to hold him; to hug him and never let him go.

But that was exactly what I was afraid of. So I looked down instead and pulled his left hand towards me. His fist remained closed as I tried in vain to open it.

"Viraat...you're hurt..."

"Oh, really? Now suddenly you care...whether I'm hurt?"

I avoided the question and mumbled, "Let me put on a band-aid Viraat...you're bleeding!"

"Why Maanvi? Why do you care? Why does it matter to you if I'm bleeding? You don't give a damn, remember?"

My heart ached to deny him, but I kept my mouth shut.

"Six years Maanvi! Six years it's been since that night. Have you bothered to find out what happened to me after that night? Have you bothered to check if I'm still alive? You say you want to put a band aid on my bleeding hand...But what about the wound that you caused in my heart? Have you tried to do anything about it?"

I wanted to tell him he was wrong, but I couldn't. Not because he was right; he was dead wrong. But I knew of the consequences of my actions and I decided to remain silent on the matter.

"Viraat, it's been six years now. Grow up. And get over it."

"I have tried to Maanvi...believe me, I have tried. But no matter what I do, your memory sticks to me. Like a song that I hate but I can't ever get it completely out of my head. This song has become the background noise of my life; snippets of lyrics and lines of music, floating up and then receding. It's a crazy kind of tide that never stops."

My heart felt like it had been stabbed with same pins that had been wounding Viraat's hand. Because what he said, was exactly what I had been going through for all these years. The same feeling intensified a hundred-fold, layered with guilt and remorse ran through me.

***

"Get away from me Viraat! Just leave me alone!" I screamed at him.

"But Maanvi..." he pleaded and tried to hold my hand.

"Don't touch me! Don't you dare touch me with those hands? How could you Viraat? How could you?"

"Maanvi..I didn't do it on purpose. I just wanted to..."

"You wanted to what? Destroy my life? Play with my emotions? Is that what you wanted to do?"

"No Maanvi...Why would I do that? I love you..."

"Hah! You love me? What a joke Viraat. Do you really think I'm that dumb Viraat? You really think I don't understand why you did this? You think I don't know why you've been harping on about this undying love?"

"What is wrong with you Maanvi?"

"What is wrong with me? I've finally come back to my senses Viraat. All this while I had my eyes closed but now, I can see clearly your intentions. You just wanted to get me to sleep with you!"

"What? Maanvi! Are you crazy?"

"No, you are crazy. For assuming that I'm in love with you. For presuming that I wanted you. For hoping that maybe you were up to my standards."

"Maanvi..."

"You're just not my type. You're too childish. I don't get where you those fake emotions from, seeing that you've never seen emotions to begin with. You don't even have a family Viraat, how can I expect you to have even an ounce of sentiment?"

"Maanvi..."

"I don't love you Viraat. I never have and I never will."

"I. Love. Steve. Get it? I love him. None of your pathetic tactics are going to work on me work. Maybe you just stop trying. So just do us all a favor and get lost."

***

I tried to walk away but Viraat grabbed hold of my shoulders and pushed me to a wall.

"Tell me Maanvi. Why? Why did you do this to me? Why did you punish me like that? Why did you hurt me so Maanvi? Why?"

I winced as I said, "Viraat, let me go! You're hurting me."

"Not before I get the answers to my questions."

***

NO PRECAP.

I think it's better if I leave you guys hanging on the line this time 

Link to the blog:

http://viraatmaanvi.blogspot.in/2012/09/virman-ff-hate-how-much-i-love-you-part_7.html