Posted: 28 August 2012 at 12:46pm | IP Logged
Blank eyes. Angry ones. Two words to explain both of their emotions. It's just brilliant how eyes are your emotions personified. She's emotionless. He's brimming with it.
"Judging by the inner volcano that seemed to be moving in his veins..." --> A little sentence formation glitch here. No grammatical error. But prose-wise it can improved.
Brilliant imagery. The whole setup gave the story an even greater angsty feel and dramatic viewpoint. "...wind which sometimes caressed her cheeks, sometimes played with his hair." --> Somehow, it would've made more sense if it was the other way around.
The conversation showed their characters and emotions in such a raw form that the impact was profound. She wanted to end the discussion, so resorted to giving close ended small sentence based comments. While he, he wanted to sort it out, his biggest need. He showed anger, calmness, reasoning. She showed nothing.
"The shout came this time. Reaching out, he picked up a vase from the table at his side and threw it across the room. It hit the wall, just a few inches to her left and smashed on the ground." --> Somehow I do not see KD or RV's actions leading to this. He was angry but not overpowered by it completely. When you throw around stuff it's more because you're unable to reason out by words. The vase crashing next to her. They can't do it. This is where I saw Yuvi. I'm very bad at remembering faces, forget height or body structure. So i'd be completely moronic here and say maybe it won't suit them. But the characters give their feel. It would be them if they were to be portrayed by say Shantanu Maheshwari and Sneha Kapoor.
"His back blocked the little light which had been illuminating her face." --> Should've been just "he blocked" or "the back of his head blocked" or even "the back of his shoulders blocked". None of them is so tall that the girl's face comes to their stomach considering that moonlight/sunlight falls in a slope not horizontally.
"Hurt, anger, anguish, pain; so many emotions were shining in those blank, dark orbs." --> Though this is perfect, somehow sounds oxymoronic.
"His reflection." --> I'll be a complete mood killer here and say, "Dude get out of the way and let some light be there between you and her eyes, and then you will see your face. Elementary Physics!"
As I had said. I loved everything from the moment he left. Now i'll elaborate.
I love the small mentions of tears you leave before she herself realizes she wasn't crying. I love how you have either aptly named it, or beautifully blended the topic in it. The mention of "crying" and "tears" though blending in like sugar and egg in a cake mixture, still stands out like the chocolate chips on the top. (Yes, I'm in one of my awful moods again. And I just finished baking.)
I love the one sentence paragraphs and the two-three words sentences. Brings out the simplicity very well and beautifully.
It's maybe the lyrics in My Immortal, maybe the music of evanescence or the voice of Amy Lee, but it happens with me too. Songs are the best muse for writing. Coming second only to he brilliant works of amazing writers laden with the emotions you need. Someone like you or Kay or En.
I hope this comment satisfies you enough. I'll go an comment on your PanSh SS now.
Edited by CoffeeAddict - 28 August 2012 at 1:20pm