Joined: 09 November 2010
I was always stubborn, wasn't I? I did things you told me not to. Broke all the rules, fought everything... even you. I am sorry. I didn't care back then. I had enough. I didn't want to live, to breathe, to digest this cruel, cold world. It was too cold, mummy.
I had seen you bring those guys, sneak them in when you thought I was asleep. I could smell the alcohol in your breath when you spoke. I could see the drugs flame up in your eyes when you looked at me. I had heard you cry at night... for daddy. You know the worst part was? I knew you did all because of me. To feed me, to educate me, to help me survive, live. I could not live with their money.
I am sorry, mummy.
I am sorry I left you. I am sorry that I didn't care. I am sorry that I am selfish. I am sorry that I wasn't the child you wanted. I am sorry that I am useless... that I couldn't help you.I had told you that I won't come back, that I don't need you... that I will never need you. I had lied. I am not perfect. I was only 17, mummy. I needed to get away. Escape.
I lived with my friends. I learnt to smile again, to laugh again, to live again. Things were getting better, normal. That's when I met him. He was kind. Unlike anyone I had known before. He made me laugh, smile, cry, sad, happy, excited, nervous, crazy & sometimes all at once. We talked for most of the day and I would spend most of the night thinking about him. I was only 17, mommy, I didn't know better. My mind told me to be careful, but I was only 17. I didn't know better.
I fell in love.
I am not perfect. I never was. But mummy when I am with him, I feel like I am. My heart jumps when he is around me. I get nervous... happy. Not the kind you hear in the movies or read in books but the kind you felt around daddy. That's the best way I can explain it. I had seen your eyes go a shade lighter and your cheeks a shade darker around daddy. I feel like that mummy, just the way you did.
He makes me forget. Forget the fact that I am the reason you're so unhappy. Forget the fact that daddy is never coming back. Forget the fact that I am nobody. He is not a saint but he is my saviour.
It's been 6 years now since I have known him... loved him. My friends say he is perfect. I know he is not. He gets jealous & angry too easily and cares too much. You could say, in a lot of ways he is like daddy. He yells, he says hurtful things, lies... but at the end of the day he comes back, holds me, and tells me he is sorry, that I am the best thing that has happened to him. I cradle in his arms, hold him close and forgive him, just like the way he does when I yell, lie and say hurtful things to him... just like the way you did with daddy.
Yesterday, he asked me to marry him. Just like that, out of the blue, and... I said yes. I didn't think; the word just came out with it so did the purge of feelings that I didn't know existed. I know you don't care now. I don't blame you.
But mummy, your little girl is getting married and she hopes you can give her away. She hopes you can forgive her.She hopes you can come to her wedding, to fluff her wedding dress and to tell her she looks beautiful. She hopes you could bring something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. She hopes you can hug her and tell her you love her...
because she loves you.
Won't you come? Please.
Your little girl.
Haven't checked for grammer, and spelling mistakes. Sorry. Hope you enjoy it!
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