||SS|| Never Forget || PanSh||Note. pg 20 (Page 18)

Mais

Coolbie

BollyCurry Buzzer

Joined: 29 September 2008

Posts: 14873

Posted: 23 August 2012 at 12:49am | IP Logged

Originally posted by basket_101

Heyy!!

Reallly nice part!!

I'm really starting to love PanSh... courtesy to you!!! Tongue

Lolz, thank you?

But anyway... Coming to the part

I'm just loving how you describe KD!

I'm totally attracted to him from the show, but from reading all your OS', it's getting much stronger LOL

Oh, I really really like KD's character! I change him a little here and there though and make it a little OOC but I am glad that you enjoy it!!
Very excited to read the next part!!

So do continue as soon as you can (= In Sha Allah will do soon!

Thank you!!!!! Big smile

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basket_101,

IluvYashran

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Joined: 25 November 2010

Posts: 70

Posted: 26 August 2012 at 11:28am | IP Logged

Juzz now read d story...itz really nice yaar n keep writin

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Mais,

CoffeeAddict

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Joined: 23 August 2009

Posts: 3482

Posted: 28 August 2012 at 1:18pm | IP Logged

So finally, iska bhi number aa gaya. Let's get to it then...

Chapter 4

I'll still stand by my previous comment and say I was disappointed. Now that i'm sober and not that much sleep deprived or stressed, I won't say I'm angry. But yes, disappinted.

It began with a lot of confusion. It seemed like he was thinking about it while walking along with Panchi and there'll be a parallel working of both the past and present. But you made it a separate segment in itself.

There was no Panchi-KD of today. But just of the past. And somehow the past characters seemed so influenced by the present characters. I'll still say they were out of character. How? Can't pin point. It's just gut feel.

Really loved the way it was penned. Description of Royal Academy - brilliant. Seemed like an alumni telling a friend who wants to put his kid in the school. The sudden 180 degree turn to KD's situation was an enchanting contrast.

I love how you put one sentence paragraphs in the middle. That's your signature style. Brings out simplicity yet gives an artistic feel. (Pardon my randomness in the comment, I have the chapter open in an adjacent tab and I'm scrolling through it and remembering where I had to comment about. The first three paragraphs were from what I remembered.)

He's distrustful. He knows he doesn't belong. But he acted a little mannerless. I know you have your reasons, but I just can't associate KD with this behavior.

Panchi being persistent to a stranger. Somehow it seems she hasn't met RV yet.

Once again I'll say, we can argue over this for ages. For us the notions of the TBP characters are different. It's a gut feel along with observation for me.

Chapter 5

" The skies above were holding a gathering with the clouds and they had started to gather." --> The repetition of the word gather in the same sentence, kills the beauty of imagery and its softness here.

I love the constant voice of reasoning that you've implanted in KD's brain, though it's shrinking and getting mousey by the minute. Who cares?

Beautiful portion where KD's makes useless (yet somehow important) small talk, turning into argument, to divert Birdie's mind.

The cafe was honestly so Panchi. She's the typical girl-next-door. Who loved color Pink. Who loved fluff. Who loves puppies. And will have enough courage to save a puppy from a speedy car. She's caring and fragile.

And Martha... Was so like my mentor!!

I don't know if I'd ever define KD as hooligan, that is if I could stop looking all doe-eyed at him. But my teacher would call him a lot more than just "unhealthy hooligan". (Ya I know i'm talking about a teacher here. But she used to be quite easy going when we'd meet out for lunch.)

He was hungry. True. But nothing can make KD be less chivalrous. Maybe extreme maddening anger. But not hunger or embarrassment. Those are too little an emotion in front of his politesse.

Now it seems you did that just to stretch their "date".

Though I love the innocent looking and behaving KD. --> My expression at - "Buss thori bhook lagi hai."

I'll still say I know where this is heading to. But i'm not laying all my cards on table just yet.

I'll go on a limb here and say, you still hate me.

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Mais,

Mais

Coolbie

BollyCurry Buzzer

Joined: 29 September 2008

Posts: 14873

Posted: 29 August 2012 at 12:53am | IP Logged

Originally posted by CoffeeAddict

So finally, iska bhi number aa gaya. Let's get to it then...Finally

Chapter 4

I'll still stand by my previous comment and say I was disappointed. Now that i'm sober and not that much sleep deprived or stressed, I won't say I'm angry. But yes, disappinted.

It began with a lot of confusion. It seemed like he was thinking about it while walking along with Panchi and there'll be a parallel working of both the past and present. But you made it a separate segment in itself. And you get the million dollars! Yes, the flashback was what he was thinking while walking with her. But since I was tired while I was writing the chap, i didn't include the present in the chappy. I think I wrote that as a note That's why I updated without much delay

There was no Panchi-KD of today. But just of the past. And somehow the past characters seemed so influenced by the present characters. I'll still say they were out of character. How? Can't pin point. It's just gut feel. Since I am taking the liberty to actually change a little background of the characters and yes, tweaking a little bit of their traits, it's a little given that they are OOC. I am sorry that you are disappointed. But I can't do much. It fits into the story that I want to tell

Really loved the way it was penned. Description of Royal Academy - brilliant. Seemed like an alumni telling a friend who wants to put his kid in the school. The sudden 180 degree turn to KD's situation was an enchanting contrast. This is more of a KD centric story than Panchi one. It was always meant to be this way. I want to explore more of KD than Panchi. IMO, he has more layers than her so tweaking them is easier

I love how you put one sentence paragraphs in the middle. That's your signature style. Brings out simplicity yet gives an artistic feel. (Pardon my randomness in the comment, I have the chapter open in an adjacent tab and I'm scrolling through it and remembering where I had to comment about. The first three paragraphs were from what I remembered.) Hahaha, excused! Commenting is not an easy task, I can feel ya girl!

He's distrustful. He knows he doesn't belong. But he acted a little mannerless. I know you have your reasons, but I just can't associate KD with this behavior. It was just his first day. He was being silently targeted for his social status. He was a little annoyed at the priviledges the other students had and he was deprived from them. KD, to me, has always been a little frustrated by his modest life. After a day like that, anyone would be a little mannerless

Panchi being persistent to a stranger. Somehow it seems she hasn't met RV yet. Oh no, she has met him. You will know that soon. Not just a stranger, she was just being her usual sweet helpful self. She had judged that the guy needed some help

Once again I'll say, we can argue over this for ages. For us the notions of the TBP characters are different. It's a gut feel along with observation for me. That kinda closes the topic then. And I don't mind. This difference of opinion and perspective is good. And I am not a mahaan person anyway, I can be wrong. But it's just a fiction, let's not bother much about it

Chapter 5

" The skies above were holding a gathering with the clouds and they had started to gather." --> The repetition of the word gather in the same sentence, kills the beauty of imagery and its softness here. Will be honest and say, I didn't notice it and since I don't proof read before posting, the mistake is there. Now that you mentioned it, it does seem ugly

I love the constant voice of reasoning that you've implanted in KD's brain, though it's shrinking and getting mousey by the minute. Who cares? Lady, you are one observant person. Kya pakra hai! And ek dum sahi pakra hai!

Beautiful portion where KD's makes useless (yet somehow important) small talk, turning into argument, to divert Birdie's mind. Important, I've said it before, it's very important!

The cafe was honestly so Panchi. She's the typical girl-next-door. Who loved color Pink. Who loved fluff. Who loves puppies. And will have enough courage to save a puppy from a speedy car. She's caring and fragile. Aaahhh!! Panchi is such a doll! Man, I love her! I have a girl crush on her

And Martha... Was so like my mentor!!

I don't know if I'd ever define KD as hooligan, that is if I could stop looking all doe-eyed at him. But my teacher would call him a lot more than just "unhealthy hooligan". (Ya I know i'm talking about a teacher here. But she used to be quite easy going when we'd meet out for lunch.) Martha is just furiously protective of Panchi and, don't kill me, KD does seem like a lukha/gunda/hooligan sometimes Even Martha could've called him something else as well but she was just in a good mood seeing Panchi. Weird, ne?

He was hungry. True. But nothing can make KD be less chivalrous. Maybe extreme maddening anger. But not hunger or embarrassment. Those are too little an emotion in front of his politesse. i would say that KD is a different person in front of Panchi. Also, hunger is a monster. Also, despite being chivalrous, he doesn't exactly know how to deal with girls. That's what I've noticed.

Now it seems you did that just to stretch their "date". It's a date? Well not exactly to stretch, but to let KD have control over the course of things now. I just didn't do it nicely enough

Though I love the innocent looking and behaving KD. --> My expression at - "Buss thori bhook lagi hai." The guy is still young! Thora innocence hona chaiye

I'll still say I know where this is heading to. But i'm not laying all my cards on table just yet. Damn you! I am curious! TELL ME!

I'll go on a limb here and say, you still hate me. Not for the comment, no. I am happy for that. But the fact that you are not telling is making me URGH! TELL ME!!!!!

dkprsp

Newbie

Joined: 02 January 2011

Posts: 14

Posted: 01 September 2012 at 10:26am | IP Logged

update soon

Anikz003

Senior Member

Joined: 02 January 2012

Posts: 707

Posted: 27 October 2012 at 3:17am | IP Logged

Please do pm me when u update...and i really have started liking Pansh because of this FF...and do update soon

Mais

Coolbie

BollyCurry Buzzer

Joined: 29 September 2008

Posts: 14873

Posted: 09 November 2012 at 2:53pm | IP Logged

Chapter 6

There is a thing call "silent observation" and KD always took pride in excelling in it. His guard was always up, he could easily notice when someone was staring at him or if anyone was acting unusual around him. So, it wasn't very hard for him to notice those stolen glances she was throwing at him. For some minutes, he tried to block them and concentrate on the cone in his hand and enjoyed the cold wind hitting his face.

But there was always a limit.

"What?" He stopped and glanced at her. She wasn't expecting this so the surprise on her face was quite evident.

"What, what?" She stammered.

"Aise chup chup ke dekh ke kyun muskura rahi ho? Any problem?" He didn't say it in a joking way but his words made her look away. It was crystal clear that she was biting back a laughter.

"Aur ab hans rahi ho!" Girls, he could never figure them out.

"Main hans thori rahi hun." She said while looking away from him. Her struggle was getting bigger. "I'm just enjoying this windy and cloudy weather!"

"Tou ye windy aur cloudy weather mere chehre pe hai kya?" He was getting a little annoyed now. Secrets were something he was never too fond of.

"Oho Keshav! Kya ajeeb baatein kar rahe ho? Ice cream khao!" She tried to change the topic and licked her ice cream. But KD kept looking at her, seriously. She caught his serious expression and put away her ice cream.

"It's nothing..." She started and seemed to be at a loss of words. KD waited patiently. "It's just that...mujhe kafi ajeeb laga."

"Kya?"

"Keshav, you really aren't that good with girls na?"

Her question was badly timed. What did that have to do anything with her suppressed laugh?

"Aur ye tum kaise keh sakti ho?"

"Kyunke tum mujhe abhi ek dhaabe pe lunch ke liye le gaye." With that said, the smile crept back on her lips.

"Tou? Wo ek kafi achi jaga hai! Aur wahan ka khana bhi acha hai!" KD had no idea what he did wrong. The place was owned by someone he knew from his childhood as he used to live in his chawl till he decided to move to the main city for better opportunities. Though his dhabba was small, it was quite a modest place. And the food was also very good in a very cheap price. He failed to know what his fault was.

"Uss jagah mein aisa kya galat tha?" He asked, challenging her. She stared at him and bit her lip to control her lip. But seeing him, the laugh escaped her lips and she started to laugh. And KD just stood there, in the middle of the wide pavement looking at the passing by people, confused, as Panchi kept on laughing. After a while, she regained her control. But when her eyes fell on KD's confused face, she started laughing again.

"Oh Keshav..."

She rubbed the tears from her eyes and moved ahead of him, licking the ice cream. He just stared at her back. He could feel her chuckling a little.

"Uff...girls!" He just shook his head and followed her. But he didn't walk by her side and kept a one step distance behind her.

"Word of advice, next time kisi larki ko kisi road side dhaabe pe mat le ke jaana, no matter how much the food there is good."

She turned around and faced him. But she didn't stop walking. She had finished her ice cream and was now playing with the strap of her bag.

"Wo kyun?"

"Cuz acha nahin lagta...with boys it's a different thing but girls...I mean no offense but it's considered a gentlemanly thing agar girls ko kisi secure jagah pe leke jaen. And an open road side dhaaba...it's not good for impression."

"Impression? Hamare beech impression ki baat kahan se agayi? I thought I already impressed you."

The words escaped his lips before he could stop them. No, he wasn't meant to say that...

"I'm talking about girls in general!"

"And you aren't a general girl?"

Mistake over another.

"I'm different." She was avoiding eye contact. And he was about to make another mistake...deliberately. And he didn't care.

"That I know...tum jaisa dunya mein mujhe phir kabhi nahin milega."

She blinked in surprise and looked at him. The smile on his face was small and helpless.

"Frankly, mujhe tum jaisa aur koi chaiye hi nahin...it's just you."

She stopped. But she didn't turn around. She just stood there. He looked at the melting ice cream in his hand and finished it in one go. He could sense her looking at him blankly. He took his time in cleaning his hands before looking at her. The kind smile on his face was something he couldn't help...

"Chalen? It's going to rain soon..."

*~~~*

YES! I'm alive and so is this SS! Wow, ne? Anyway, I feel like finishing it so yeah...next chapter is the final one! So sorry for the delay if you waited...!

Edited by Mais - 09 November 2012 at 2:54pm

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dkprsp, angel...s, ausind-girl, maaji89, diyadawda13, Anikz003, honeey95, NiVu-mjht1, AbhiyaMaaneet, Adry, mika17, basket_101, Crazy_soul, kaveriw2008, crazysky, IndigoBlues, miss_neha, blue_Orchid,

CoffeeAddict

IF-Dazzler

Joined: 23 August 2009

Posts: 3482

Posted: 09 November 2012 at 2:56pm | IP Logged

Reserved. LOL. Just to annoy you!

*Edited*

Urggh! That's all i'll say...

Edited by CoffeeAddict - 09 November 2012 at 3:00pm

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Mais,

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