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funny shayri & jokes (Page 111)

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Posted: 06 October 2012 at 3:05pm | IP Logged
A lawyer was questioning the testimony of a witness to a shooting.

"Did you see the shot fired?"

"No, sir, I only heard it."

"Stand down" said the judge sharply. "Your testimony is of no value."

The witness turned around in the box to leave, and when his back was turned to the judge he laughed loudly and derisively. Irate at this exhibition of contempt, the judge called the witness back to the chair and demanded to know how he dared to laugh at the court.

"Did you see me laugh, Judge?" asked the witness.

"No, but I heard you," retorted the judge.

"That evidence is not satisfactory, Your Honor, said the witness respectfully. Cool ROFL

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Posted: 06 October 2012 at 3:08pm | IP Logged
A precious little girl walks into a Petsmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit." ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL

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Posted: 06 October 2012 at 3:09pm | IP Logged
This lady is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the lady returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The lady nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping all day." ROFL

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Posted: 06 October 2012 at 3:10pm | IP Logged

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first time, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"ROFL

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Posted: 06 October 2012 at 3:12pm | IP Logged
A mother asked her young son, as they waited for the bus, to tell the driver he was 5 years old, because then he would ride for free.

As they got into the bus the driver asked him how old he was.

"I am 5 years old," said the little boy proudly.

The driver had a son of his own that age, and smiled, "And when will you be 6 years old?' he asked.

"When I get off the bus," answered the boy. ROFL

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Posted: 06 October 2012 at 3:12pm | IP Logged
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that, "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill, "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom, "The smaller piece, of course."

Bil, "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?" ROFL

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Posted: 06 October 2012 at 3:16pm | IP Logged
The boss called one of his employees into the office, "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department.

"Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.

"What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."ROFL

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Posted: 06 October 2012 at 3:40pm | IP Logged
John came home from the doctor looking very worried.

His wife said, "What's the problem?"

He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."

She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives."

"Yes, I know," he said, "but he only gave me four pills!" ROFL

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