Joined: 25 January 2011
You're brand new, I have never had the need to write my thoughts up into a diary ... never had the need to keep the darkest of my secrets hidden from anyone and share them with a bundle of papers, in fact ever since I was titled a Yuvrani, I have never had the need to write ... never ... the only time I ever held a pen was when I needed to sign some office work, some deal, some check ... and all those formalities required to run my estate, in fact never had the need to even think of going out of my palace to buy me silly diary ... It's just not me ...
But guessing that time changes people, and knowing that time has changed me...
It's a criminal mind, when the temporal lobe in our brains malfunctions, most serial killers have the urge to write, write and write, share their story ... share all their dark deeds, though they lack the feeling of guilt, they show guilt via their writings, and perhaps I am a killer to ' a killer of an innocent soul, and here I am, sharing with you ' my story ' a story that I can tell know one, and even if I did, it's not like someone here believes me ' they all resist me here with them under one roof because I have the power they can't overcome, I have the authority that they can't muddle up with, I have more rights here than they do ' and that is what is keeping the once happy bubbly Devgadh family, to be a silent bunch of people, they won't even party at home anymore, because they know for the fact that if they did party here, I'd be the unwanted guest they'll have to invite, so be it Mum and Dad's wedding anniversary, Jay's birthday parties, or any other festivities.
It hurts me to be a part of them and to not be considered a part of anything that they do , but I don't care anymore ' why should I suffer for anything I didn't do? I didn't cause no harm to them ' I tried my level best to try and explain to them that what I did was not to hurt them or lose their trust, but was to set me free from my clingy past, I tried to make up my mistakes, every day for two months, I would buy each and every member in the house ' flowers, heck I even bought Jay flowers, for formality sakes, since everyone in the family considers her to be the saint here, the flowers would come with tiny cards that read "I'm sorry" ' but the next day, I would always find those flowers at the rear end of the Palace where all the royal dump is kept, for discarding, not even my mother would forgive, tell me dear diary ' did I really deserve such a treatment for what I did? I was always forgiven for when I did the wrong thing, but finally when I end up doing the right thing do I really deserve this severe punishment? No one talks to me in this house, I have no friends simply because I have decided to isolate myself, and this silent treatment has been going on for one and a half year, don't you think that's a little harsh? Dear diary, please tell me it is! Because it's harsh, very harsh ' and I was wrong to even consider any of these people my family, I hate them ' I hate them all ' I want to talk to someone, I want to smile, I want my old chirpy-self back ' I'm proud to be who I am, because I didn't give up till I knew there were no hopes, yet I still foolishly await the day when my mother would drop by my office or my room and even say a little "Hi Dear" ' am I asking for too much?
I'm not guilty when it comes to my family, But I'm awful guilty for what I have done to that innocent soul that loved me with all his heart, with all his might, he is best known as India's Royal Playboy, but to me he'll always be that Uday that called me his Princess, and now he's no more, no more ' I never hear him, I never see him ' I feel like I'm deaf and blind, but I'm not, the truth is far worse, it's my biggest secret, promise me dear diary, You'll tell no one ' I trust you with this ' but I have to confess ' or I fear all this will make me suicidal, and I don't want to die, not that life gives me better joy, but simply because if not my family, I owe some responsibility to my estate, I have the biggest responsibility to keep my DS's trust in me alive, that's the only reason, I'm here '
I killed Uday. I can't say more than that, because if I do ' I'll end up in tears.
Dear diary, I'm sorry I can't tell you the whole truth now, but you'll have to do with that for now, hope you don't start hating me like everyone else.
I so wish DS was here, she is here ' but she's in coma from the past 2 years, to make it worse for me, I'm again the sole reason for her delicate health now. Another reason, why I hate myself so much. DS may not talk at all, but she hears everything, she feels everything, she knows everything, and I'm sorry dear diary ' I lied to you ' You're not the only thing I told my dark secrets to, but DS is another member to add to the list, and you know how I know that she listens to me? Because every time I hold her feeble hands, the Cardiac Monitor shows DS's pulse to rise, and every time I tell her something, almost every day ' I don't know why, but I feel like she smiles in her sleep, she's a sleeping beauty indeed ' I admire her, and when I look at her, my desire for dying redeems, because even in this state my role model is fighting, Is giving death a tough time, so how can I let her down by giving my life to my death for free? And you know, whenever I breakdown before her, and as my tears drop from my eyes onto her hands, in matters of seconds, she starts crying to ' as tears drop from her eyes, I know she understands me, I know she does. But all the foolish doctors say, those tears are not of emotions but are of the weakness in eyes, because her eyes have been closed for so long. But I know she listens to me, I know she does ' She always comes in my dreams and ever since one and half year I have had the same dream, "Manyata beta, don't give up, the day you'll give up, I'll die" ' she hugs me and then leaves.
I wake up every day with new hopes, new ambitions, but then I see Uday's pictures in my secret cupboard behind the painting, and that's it ' I don't know what gets into me, but I don't give nothing a darn bit of importance, and let my guilt kill my itsy bitsy joyous moment!
To be continued ...
Guyz, this is not an FF ... this is just an OS with two parts, I was running out of time so I decided I will have to this in two parts, but I'll only continue if you guyz are interested in reading more I know it's not very ManVeerish, I'll blame my lack of time, belive it or not, I'm in school for an after school lesson, I finished my work early, and since we were in the ICT room, I decided doing some writing, but now it's been 45 minutes of me writing this, and I've got to get home If you guyz really want me to continue with this, you'll need to encourage me to continue this boring piece of writing, caz I don't really like it but ...
So do let me know, if you liked this ... and if you did do hit "Like" ... and please do leave your constructive criticisms and views
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