The sacred sin
"Father!I want to confess something..." A lady in her late 20s,looking extremly elegant in an off-white saree with spects resting upper side of her nose, said in confession box.
"Go ahead my child!" said the preist of church...a milky-beard old man who had spent his whole life in serving God and his creations...devoted his soul in jesus.
"Father..I want to confess about a sin...a sin which I did willingly 5 years back...and for which God has yet to punish me...I am here because this feeling of guilty is killing me inside...I am a dirty soul...and I believe the words of bible 'The soul that sinneth, it shall die.' "
"You are God's child!and your life is precious,only God has right to take one's life my child!"said father.
"Father,I do not deserve to be called as his child,I am a sinner in my own eyes."the paniky was reflecting in her voice,her voice was full of regret on her own life.
"We all are puppets my child...and he is the master..."said father pointing his finger upward indicating God..
"why do you think that you are a sinner?"he asked calmly.
The girl looked down,her face and gestures were making it clear how ashamed she was on her deed.She started,
"It happened when I was 23 years old...joined as a nurse in a prestigeous hospital of city.It was my first day in hospital and I woke up early in the morning to get ready on time.Being a middle class girl, grown up in boundaries decided for a girl,I was feeling hell nervous as no girl in my family before me went out of boundaries and did a job so no one was there to back me,to give me some strength or confidence.My grand father was against my job so I was more scared than nervous...!He had already fixed my marriage with a boy of his choice and I was bound to marry him.
My heart was pumping out of my chest when I stepped inside the hospital,somehow controlling my hearbeats and nervousness I reported to HR.After all formalities got complete,he assigned me with a senior doctor Mr.Satish roy.
On the very first day I understood that working with doctor Roy is not going to easy,he was strict,punctual and very much accurate in his profession.If something goes wrong on my part than he'll surely take strict action not giving a second chance.I used to be more concious in my job akin to his each and every instruction...still a fear resides in my heart to be thrown out of this hospital if I do any mistake.
It was mid july...raining heavily outside when he was taken to the hospital lying on stretcher...a man of about mid twenties...in uncouncious condition...more like a skeleton was carried by ward boys to ICU.When he passed by me,I looked at him...the pale face,weak body almost bony,unusual baldness was all so pathetic that made my heart cry for him.There was something in his face that captured my senses...I was feeling what I dint feel even when I was in my sixteen.
After a few minutes doctor roy called me in Intensive care unit and I rushed.
"He is Leukemic(blood cancer pateint)...very critical condition...would hardly survive for a month or two...
still we will try our best...lets hope we can do something for the poor soul..!"he gasped
I was stunned...he is about to die in such a young age..."that thought twisted my heart and a shiver ran down through my spline.God is so cruel sometimes...how could he take away his life so early??????
"I am prescribing his medicines and here is the diet chart...I would come for rounds thrice in a day..."he said and leaving him on his fate,he left.
I fell down on the chair numb minded...the chartsheet was fluttering on my hand and I was looking at his pale yellow face steadily.unknowingly my hands raised up to his head and I brushed his hairs,caressed his cheek,my fingers slipped down to his lips and I...I touched them...my fingers were scrolling on his lip-line...don know what happened,his eyes flickered...and my hand trembled I immediately snatched my hand back.
As I took my hand off his face he again became as deadly as he was before...it was amazing...
I again touched his face with my trembling hands..his eyes again flickered...and I took my hand back...
three days passed,that morning he opened his eyes for few minutes...looked at me...his eyes were chocolate brown...I liked their color...but before that I could reach his heart through eyes,they got closed due to weakness...!
I sighed in disappointment,I was confused on my own feelings,I was feeling something that I never felt before..what was that...what was that I was feeling for that sick,dying man...was that mercy??? no!
Days were passing and his condition was becoming more critical...Doctor Roy had lost hopes,he spend almost 20 days experimenting all his medical career experience on that deadly body,concerned all his seriors,some reknown oncologists but all in vein...reading his case history no doc gave any positive response.He was bound to die.
On the other hand I was getting closer to him with each passing day...5 days before his death he opened his eyes and that for more than 15 minutes.I can't ever forget that day.I was changed floweres of pot...opened curtain of window...a ray of sun directly fell on his eyes...I came near and put my hand on his eyes...after a moment I realized a flicker..so I removed my hand and what I saw was a dream...he was looking at me with whole opened eyes..it seem like his choclate brown eyes have got sudden strength...his dried lips tried to curve with smile...I immediately turned to call doctor but my dupatta was stuck somewhere so i turned again to look...what I found was it beneath his one finger...I looked at him confusedly...don know what stopped me...his eyes..his finger..his gesture..but I could'nt call doctor.
I sat near him and he told me to hold him through his broken whisperes and gestures...I helped him in getting up and sitting...he half lied on bed having pillow on his back...he was smiling at me and my heart skipped a bit.
We started a conversation and in that I got to know that he was lieutenant in Indian army...but after the disease was diagnosed he had to leave army as he was no longer able to serve the nation.He is an orphan and has no family.Doctor roy was his friend's father and so he got here.It was the best day of my life...talking with him was like living a dream...after 10-15 minutes he again started coughing hard and so was given injection to sleep.
But before sleep he gave me best memories...but...!OMG what I was thinking...I am going to marry...I am committed to someone and here I am falling for another person..and that too for a dying ex-lieutenant...a dreadful silence occupied my heart...why the hell I was not able to control my feelings,my conscience was not in my controll...am I doing a sin???
It was the dreadful black night...Doctor had given him injection after a deadly coughing session and after he slept he left the ward...now I was alone with him...it was raining outside heavily and it was raining inside heavily too...I was crying as doctor had said that he could not survive anymore...the droplets of rain were coming inside through window with push of wind...and making me wet as I was standing lifeless at the window...
each thunder was making me scared even more...I looked at him..he was sleeping peacefully...I could'nt stop myself and went near him...caressed his eyes...and that worked...after a flicker he opened his eyes...but they were almost lifeless...tears flowed down on my cheeks...he said me to remove his oxegen mask with gestures and I did the same...he signeled me to come closer...so I bend my face over him...
"I don know how would you feel when I say this to u..."his voice -broken whisperes touched my ears.
I nodded quickly...he again said with his full strength,"I never...had any girl...I do..not know how it feels with a girl's closeness...'"
I was stunned..what he was going to wish for...it might be my dream...his closeness but I was better aware of that it was beyond my defined boundaries...as I was a girl and committed to a person whom I was going to marry...how could I...
"I want to know...how it feels when a girl kiss..."he said again...I was shocked...all shocked...my heart was saying that I should fulfill his last wish yet I did not have courage to do so..as I was extremly conservative.
"P..plz..its my last wish.."he almost urged before he coughed for the last time.
I could not stop myself,I broke all boundaries,all limites and...and put my lips on his...I kissed him with all my passion...I realized that that was my desire..I wanted to become his...I..love him...his lips trembled on my force but his eyes closed with satisfaction.!
There was a deep silence in the confession box...
"That is my story father...I did a sin...being committed to a man I kissed another man...loved another man...I am a sinner...father..." she said.
"My child!you confessed it to jesus...and I believe jesus send you as an angel to complete the last wish of a dying person...you did not did any sin...my child.."
The girl looked at him in disbelief,"I did father..as per social norms it is considered as a sin...and the irony is that God did not give me any punishment for this sin...I am happily married..my husband loves me so much...but I still could not get courage to tell him about it...may be that's coz I am here..."she said
"My child...social norms can not decide what is right and what is wrong...because the definition of 'right' and 'wrong' changes with situation...jesus himself says that.
"Still father a sin is a sin..'she said stubornly.
"Than I would prefer to call it a sacred sin!"said father.
I know its pathetic to read..still who succeeded to reach at the end please press 'like' if you liked it and comment/criticism is welcomed
Edited by --Ruchi-- - 11 August 2012 at 3:02am