Posted: 06 April 2012 at 1:44am | IP Logged
I'm 28 years old. I lost my parents when I was young. My only true north is my sister, herself a victim of polio. She took my hand and gave me a new meaning to my life. She taught me everything I know. She is my mother and father and God rolled into one. My life is dedicated to this woman, who nurtured and cared for me. I don't believe in love. Love has ruined so many lives. Love is for people who have nothing else to do in life. It has no meaning to me.
But here she stands - this child woman! All of 19 years, loud as a bullhorn on a misty morning. Tacky clothes, vernacular and pom poms in place. What does she want? Why is making me so mad? Why do I even think about her? What kind of woman is she? I can't even compare her to my di. She doesn't deserve a second thought.
Oh oh... She has a sad past, just like me.. An orphan, just like me. How can she be so happy? I resent that. I hate how she tries too hard. I love how she always succeeds.
But wait... I like it when she smiles, when she jumps about and around, I feel a strange inner peace - almost as if my world is her twinkling eyes. I can't believe she is getting close to my family. But what the?... Did nani forgive her? Thank God!!!
Why must I want to see her always? I have to hate her. She is always in my face. Why is she moving back to Lucknow? When will I see her again? I don't believe in love. I have lived most of my life with only resentment toward that emotion.
She smiled!!! She's happy!!! Why is there a tear in my eye. I just made my first apology, shed my first tear for someone other than my di. I feel my heartbeats getting louder and louder when she's around.
Who is she? Her hair ... I love her hair. She can be as radiant as the sun, yet she is as scarred as the moon, her attitude is like a fresh spring morning. She smiles and I see rainbows, she cries and my world feels grey.
Who is she? She has managed to conquer every heart that I live in. She is so frail...almost like a doll in my arms. She looks so fragile, yet she fights for her family... Hard as nails.
Who is she? I can't even relate to the language her family speaks. She disgusts me with her vernacular speech. I love her when she proves me wrong. I can't breathe out of fear that she can hear her name in every breath I take.
Who is she? She has taken my calm composed selfish successful life and turned it upside down. She has made me whole again. She has found the tears in my soul and seamlessly darned it. She has made me realize what love is... Now I know what di meant.
Who is she? She is the one I love. She is as beautiful as a summer sky, calm as moonlit night, pristine as a snow flake, pure as a dew drop.
Wait...what is she doing with my sisters husband? Does she LOVE HIM? How can she do this? I can't believe it. This can't be her. But it is her and here she stands, clasped to his chest, saying those words that seared into my very soul. How can she hurt me so? I have changed my whole life for her. I have always held her hand when she needed me, always did things to see her smile. How can she destroy my life and my sister's?
Who is she??? I will destroy her little by little. I'll make her miserable. I will teach her never to play with anyone else's life. My di & I have seen so much sorrow in our lives, I will show her what sorrow is.. Make her feel it. I want to crush her like a bug.
Who is she? She is caring.. Or is she acting? I see her holding jeejaji's hand, I see that she is still toying with my feelings. Pretending she cares by rubbing my temple, or making cough remedies, cleaning my room so I will get well.
Who is she?? I refuse to be fooled by all this act. I have SEEN HER AND HIM.. In an embrace.. when they thought they were alone. I have heard the spoken words.. I am Arnav Singh Raizada. I am never wrong. I'll show her.
Who is she??