Dil se di dua... Saubhagyavati Bhava?

   

SS: Do Ajnabee- Part2 updated (page 3)

Post Reply New Post

Page 1 of 4

Page 1
Page   of 4
Page 2 Page 4

RoyalLEO_Krrish

IF-Sizzlerz

RoyalLEO_Krrish

Joined: 22 May 2010

Posts: 14837

Posted: 04 March 2012 at 2:38pm | IP Logged
Hello Everyone,
This one is my very first actual writing One Shot for India Forums and for DSDDSB! I would like to introduce my characters, theme, and setting to  give u guys some ideas about the story and then will start actual part of the story. 
 
Characters part 1: Jhanvi
Theme part 1: Introduction of Jhanvi
Setting: Bombay
 
Caption: Jhanvi (caption credits: Sriti)

One early shiny morning, She is standing by her balcony. Thinking about last night celebrations at her home. How everyone was so happy for her success. Parents, family friends all were enjoying the celebration party for her new job in Bombay. She has to fly the next morning. All excited Bombay was always a dream for her, from the first day of university she always wanted to join Shivgun design company. Now that she has achieved it she is on 9th cloud, but the only regret is leaving behind her family as there is only company quarter provided.

She comes back from her thoughts when her alarm went off at 6 am. She turned it off. Started getting ready , prayed to lord Krishna's idol and packed up. 7:30 bus should be coming soon, thought in her mind, that is the bus stop her friend suggested when she came Bombay last night. Took 201 bus it was all full of people there was no seat, first time she has seen so many people travelling like this. "Your station has come madam!" shouted conductor and she came back to reality from her thoughts.

She starts walking quickly across the road. Confident, smiling face looking at the building of Shivgun Design. Where all of a sudden she gets hit by a guy, who is walking in his own world listening to his ipod music and he spills his icecap on her brand new coat. She gets really annoyed looking at the coffee stain. She starts wiping it quickly with her tissue just when he interrupts her and says "Sorry My bad!"

Edit: Hit Like, Comment and put ur suggestions on what u like/dislike what can be better interms of my writing! I would really appreciate the words if u guys can put comments.
 
 
2nd part only after i recieve some feed back on this one!Smile
 
 
 
 


Edited by Krrish87_sweet - 06 March 2012 at 9:26pm

The following 8 member(s) liked the above post:

crazygodElizaKawaPristineSoulsector--Flora--zee10zan101shanti05

Dear Guest, Being an unregistered member you are missing out on participating in the lively discussions happening on the topic "SS: Do Ajnabee- Part2 updated (page 3)" in Dil se di dua... Saubhagyavati Bhava? forum. In addition you lose out on the fun interactions with fellow members and other member exclusive features that India-Forums has to offer. Join India's most popular discussion portal on Indian Entertainment. It's FREE and registration is effortless so JOIN NOW!

crazygod

Senior Member

crazygod

Joined: 23 November 2010

Posts: 271

Posted: 04 March 2012 at 3:33pm | IP Logged
Your writing style is very impressive... Would have loved if there was more content in it (being greedy)... This girl and guy (the names are not given) are supposed to hit it off with each other, supposedly... I would have loved if I got to know something more about the guy, either how these two are similar or opposites... - just throwing what I felt about these two characters from your writing- A lost cool dude, who lives on his iPod, maybe he lives more in his own dream world than real world; maybe doesn't have a real job or anything real to do- either rich or artistic; while the girl is more real, living a real life, doing a job, making independent living yet connected with her family; her purse is full of things (like most girls) as the tissue is right there waiting for a calamity to happen... She shows a range of expressions, so not a timid or coy girl... The guy seems to be casual about most things of life, while she reacts to everything... She is a decent/sensible girl, as instead of reacting back on the guy, the first things she did was to wipe her coat... 

Well this was my analysis, right or wrong, only your second part of story will tell... Possible routes- A)  he is the owner of Shivgun Designs, and they start with fighting... B) Could turn out to be coworker C) Interesting will be, if he is the owner's son, and has to work there at ground level to learn the work... D) he is son of a rich guy, who to make up for their fight , comes later and buys off all the stuff that she has to sell... Would love to see if what you had thought forward is different from any of the above (making your job more difficult, sorry)... 

(Now don't be disappointed for am about to point out flaws/bloopers, being in devil's shoe right now- A) In her imagination (first para) she was to catch morning flight... though in second para, its mentioned that she flew in last night (and her friend told her about the bust stop)... Last night suits more, as she came back from her imagination with a 6'o clock alarm... Had she taken a morning flight, rare chances that she would be home by 6 am... B) The conductor would say your stop/stand has come, not station... 


Edited by crazygod - 04 March 2012 at 3:59pm

The following 2 member(s) liked the above post:

PristineSoulRoyalLEO_Krrish

RoyalLEO_Krrish

IF-Sizzlerz

RoyalLEO_Krrish

Joined: 22 May 2010

Posts: 14837

Posted: 04 March 2012 at 4:17pm | IP Logged
@Crazygod: LOL yup i mentioned in my PM dear..I need more time to think about her character..U got it right..about her character and also some of his character..i just wanted to introduce her character in the first part...and then in the second meet i was gona talk about his character.. first hit is just starting point. Big smile
 
Bang on her character is totally right..he although i would keep it secret till second part..i will be editing second part..as i have not mentioned much about her there on the first bit..so i should be saying stuff about her..but that is based on her reaction on coffee spill.
 
omgg ur ideas on him...totally adorable!!!Clap yup i will make my second part more detailed...with spending more time than just 2 hrs.. LOL
 
hahahah yes bloopers.. ur right there as well. Big smile but i loved ur suggestions and rectifications that can make me better the next time i write..
 
i wanted to say that she left home last night after party was over. it was late night flight..and she reached bombay early morning..and since she is in the new place..she is just looking outside the balcony..to see the sunrise..and to breeze or have a feel of this new magnificent dream city of hers..
 
 
Thank you so so so much for ur responce!! and ur appreciations!! it is really boosting up my will to write more.. Smile

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

crazygod

crazygod

Senior Member

crazygod

Joined: 23 November 2010

Posts: 271

Posted: 04 March 2012 at 4:20pm | IP Logged
Eagerly awaiting for the second part... 

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

RoyalLEO_Krrish

RoyalLEO_Krrish

IF-Sizzlerz

RoyalLEO_Krrish

Joined: 22 May 2010

Posts: 14837

Posted: 04 March 2012 at 5:43pm | IP Logged
As per Crazygod's suggestions, I am provinding some more details.
 
Summary
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do Ajnabee is story of two strangers who are completely opposite of each other by nature. Who comes into their dream city Bombay to achieve their dreams. The only common factor in both is that they both are dreamers, aiming for high and always dissatisfying with whatever they have achieved so far. Now the story is based on how "destiny" plays its role in their lives, how their lives get inter connected and the way it leads. Every part of the story is based on previous part and it's leading to the next one kind of a thing. chained together basically. I should be able to finely define both of their characters within couple of days and will be writing a full page of information as a second part. Hope u enjoy their journey. P.S. they are modern characters so characteristics may reflect to one of ur mates or even u. Hope u enjoy my writing and encourage me with ur kind words and also rectify me for my mistakes. I would be really thankful to u guys if i can be successful in portraying the very first story.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thank You ~~~~~~~~~~~~

The following 3 member(s) liked the above post:

PristineSoulzan101shanti05

PristineSoul

Coolbie

PristineSoul

Joined: 10 September 2010

Posts: 11957

Posted: 04 March 2012 at 6:38pm | IP Logged
Krrishuuu.. *hugs*
finally.. A new OS on my most fav couple.
They're in Mumbai.. Even I want to meet them. ROFL
oiee.. Is that my Hero.. Hayee!!
Waiting for their next meeting. Btw, im disappointed. Itna chotu update. I want more.. Dnt ya knw how greedy we are when it comes to RajVi.. Am I rite Mani?

Update asap. Love yew

The following 2 member(s) liked the above post:

ManipadmaRoyalLEO_Krrish

RoyalLEO_Krrish

IF-Sizzlerz

RoyalLEO_Krrish

Joined: 22 May 2010

Posts: 14837

Posted: 04 March 2012 at 7:01pm | IP Logged

@Ramona: Thank you sweets!  and yes i know i lacked in my first writing..but another one should satisfy the content need. Glad to see u excited. Big smile

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

PristineSoul

Manipadma

Senior Member

Manipadma

Joined: 17 February 2011

Posts: 982

Posted: 04 March 2012 at 7:40pm | IP Logged
krishuuu... Hug

I know jahnvi bumped on our very own Mr. Dobriyal ..Embarrassed...ab kya honga ??Day Dreaming

Lovly update krishuuu Heart
We want 2nd part jaldi jaldi...Tongue ..

@Ramona...yup absolutly right..Tongue Ab ham krishuu ko chain se nahi jeene denge jb tk wo update nahi karengi...hai na LOL

The following 2 member(s) liked the above post:

PristineSoulRoyalLEO_Krrish

Post Reply New Post

Forum Quick Jump

Forum Category

Active Forums

Limit search to this Forum only.

 

 

Disclaimer: All Logos and Pictures of various Channels, Shows, Artistes, Media Houses, Companies, Brands etc. belong to their respective owners, and are used to merely visually identify the Channels, Shows, Companies, Brands, etc. to the viewer. Incase of any issue please contact the webmaster.