Joined: 26 June 2007
After watching the last few episodes and this breathtaking VM by our lovely Reyabear, I was inspired to write a short One Shot about Khushi. I adore Khushi, and she has been brilliant lately. In the face of her whole life falling to pieces, she has managed to keep it together, and I really wanted to write something for her. So here goes, please do give the VM a watch, the song is beautiful, and the scenes along with it just break your heart, Shreya dear, I hope you don't mind me using this, just let me know if you want it removed ! Click here to read on my blog ! And here to check out my index
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OS Can Anybody Hear Me?
Click here to go to reyabears post with the video
and please do listen to the song in the VM as you read as well
The moving air howled at her, the tree's shook their branches in disapproval, the water scowled, throwing out flashes of a piercing blue light against her tired skin in anger.
Even they had become sick of her.
She looked up, arms wrapped around her slight frame to shield herself from the harsh wind, sitting next to a discarded blanket that he had thrown out for her again, the third time. She ignored it, turning away from the disdain it portrayed.
Somewhere, a million miles away, somewhere, so distant that it took light thousands of years to reach her, she hoped there was someone looking down at her, watching over it all. She picked out her favourite one, a vibrantly sparkling patch of light littered amongst duller sparks against the dark universe. The one source of hope against everything else that hurt so much. Why did it have to be so far away?
She lifted her hand, reaching out towards the star, her chest moaning in a hollow pain as its unattainablility dawned on her.
"Amma?" she whispered to the silent sky "Amma, can you hear me?"
"Amma, please tell me if you can see me?"
She almost broke down, waiting in a painful silence that tore away at her chest, clawing away to get to her heart, threatening to tear it to shreds.
But all was not lost, not yet anyway.
It twinkled. The spot of light in the far distance, increased in intensity, sending out a shimmer, brighter, and then dimmer. Her heart fluttered.
She didn't care that she was being childish.
At this moment this was her only solace.
Everything else was lost, and she had lost herself too. Somewhere along the way, in a few short days, everything she had known for as long as she could remember had disappeared into thin air, right before her eyes. All the people she had loved, now looked at her with not a slight of care.
Her eyes stung as she thought of her sister. All the memories of her sweet childhood played their way across her mind, leaving her stunned at its brilliance. She remembered falling asleep in her Jiji's warm arms, whenever she would be upset as a child. She remembered her sisters eyes, that replaced all the love and concern she had lost the day her parents had died.
Every single day for the past 10 years, she had crawled into bed and hugged her sister tight, holding on to the one thing that was keeping her grounded, the one thing that was keeping her sane, fighting away at the pain of a terrible loss.
Now, those same eyes that she had watched for 10 years, refused to meet her gaze.
Now, for the first time in a long time, she had to crawl away into her own cold arms, having lost the protection of her Jiji.
She stifled a snob, staring up at the illuminating star.
"Amma, I know you are watching me" she paused for a moment, not knowing what to say, even though she had so much to "I need to talk to you Amma, where are you? Do you even know how much I miss you?"
She waited, hoping, even though she knew it was impossible that she would get a response. When she didn't, she looked down at her knees, ashamed of what her mother would think of what she was about to say next.
"You know Amma, I miss you so much, I miss you so much it actually hurts. You weren't here when I needed you to be, but then I realised that I knew, I knew that you had left in peace, and that it was selfish for me to keep calling you back down to me. I hope relief is yours , I hope you are smiling, wherever you are."
She started shuffling her hands, nervously turning them as she spoke to her mother.
"I realised that I didn't want you back Amma, I was just jealous of you. I think it doesn't hurt where you are, but why didn't you take me with you? Why would you leave me here? Why would you leave me here to all of this?"
She shook her head, the numbness under her skin masking the scorching tears that fell down her face. "I was so scared Amma, you know what I thought yesterday? I don't think I have ever wondered about anything like this, I never thought.." she stopped, taking a second to regain her voice.
"I felt selfish, and dreadful, and like a horrible person. I can't even tell anymore if I really am that person I used to be. Everyone else doesn't seem to think so. Ever since.." she trailed off again, shaking her head rid of her thoughts as she got back to what she had wanted to share with her mother.
"It was after he said he hated me" she whispered "I said it back Amma, and I meant it, I really did, I hate him for everything he has done to me, but at the same time, I don't. I don't know anymore. I don't know where it all fell apart, I don't know why everything is like this. All I know, is that I can't do it anymore. All of this. I can't Amma."
She closed her eyes.
"I wanted to die Amma" she finally confessed, her cheeks burning in shame, unable to even look up at what she felt represented her mother.
"I didn't want to live anymore" she cried, ashamed of her own thoughts.
How in the world had she ended up like this? She felt shattered, broken beyond repair. Unwilling to try and piece it all back into place, what was the point, she thought. Nobody cared, so why should she?
"Yesterday, I thought of all the different ways I could do it" she spoke "which would hurt the least, which would be the least painful for everyone to see, which one I could get away with"
She looked down at her wrist, running her fingers along her vein "I thought that would take too long. And pills, where would I get pills from? A gun is out of the question. I thought of hanging" she said seriously, still staring at her wrist "easy and quick, I would be with you in seconds, that is all it would take Amma! Would you take me?" she begged, looking back up at the sky.
"Would you be angry with me?" she asked.
"I knew you would" she replied at the burning star that now looked like it was throwing out hot flashes her way.
"I am so scared of myself Amma, I don't know what to do, I don't want to feel this way, I really don't. But release, Amma, release from all this, makes me forget everything else. Yesterday, when I fell asleep under the stars again, I dreamed of you and Babuji. Do you remember that time when Babuji helped me climb that big oak tree? And when it started raining, you sat under the branches with him, and I climbed higher and higher, shaking the rain down on you and you told me to stop but Babuji smiled, and he said I was young, he said I was young and that I was happy climbing up, and so you let me" she smiled "and then I fell, and hurt my knee. But the rain washed away all the blood. I dreamed of that day Amma, I watched it from close, I watched your smiles, I watched my smile. That was a life worth living. When I woke up, I can't even tell you how awful it felt. Amma, I'm scared that I'll dream of you again, I am terrified that I will see that warm day again, and that when I wake up, I will want it back so bad, that I'll give this life up in an instant"
She waited in silence for a moment, before speaking again, crying as she did.
"Did you hear him Amma? Did you hear him when he said he hated me? Did you hear how much it hurt me? Did you hear me? Amma.." she cried.
"Amma did you hear me, Amma please..." she sobbed "please, tell me you hear me, I need someone to hear me"
"Can anyone hear me?" she called out towards the night sky.
"I can" Arnav breathed, leaning against the glass door, watching her stare up at the heavens, silent tears running down his skin.
Okay, so I seriously thought of not putting this up because it felt very unlike Khushi to me, and I feel I didn't do Shreya's beautiful VM justice at all, but I thought I might as well upload it. I hope you guys think it was an okay read, and hopefully you leave likes and comments! Love, Hayley x
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