-=-
She ran, ran as fast as she could from the splendidly lit banquet hall. She wanted to cry but something stopped her. It was her anger at herself; her own childish impertinence that always marred her from thinking straight. He had always been vile to her. His constant reminders of her status, his many jibs of their class differences had burned her tender heart to ciders but she had also scorned those words; scorned them in contempt. She always had a fitting reply to give to him. These matters had no importance to her and even when he uttered them countless times to her face, to hurt her, to defend himself as a protective shield; she had always felt a sick sort of derision at the pathetic excuse he came up to quieten her; to conquer his own feelings towards her. But what always made her feel better, what made her crawl out each time he pushed her into the dark abyss with his words was the constant reminder from her heart that 'it wasn't her fault'.
It wasn't her fault that she was born and raised in a middle class family.
But this time he had a solid excuse. It was her fault all along. It was her fault she came to cheer up her sister. It was her fault for scheming to bring down his well planned event. It was her fault she was childish, innocent, gullible and nave.
It was also her fault trying to always make others happy. It was her fault for plastering a smile to give others happiness while her heart ached and bled. It was her fault she got hurt so easily with his words. It was her fault she always looked for his company even when she knew he would hurt her worse each time.
And it was her fault that she loved him.
Kushi Kumari Guptha rarely has revelations of this calibre. But when it hit her, it hit her hard. And when it did, she had the ability to reason with herself and come up with the best solid advice she could provide to herself. And at that moment that's what she did. She gave herself the best advice. No need of retorting. No need of answering him back. He after all he had no right to question or remark on how she must feel after her engagement was called off. She won't allow him to control her emotions any longer; like a puppet on a string.
She had blinked back the tears that sprang to her eyes involuntarily, turned on her heals and had walked away from the room as gracefully yet as fast as she could.
Out of sight of the guests, she had run, run from his eyes she could still feel on her even though they were several feet away from each other, separated by solid walls.
It was her fault. It was her fault all along. It was her fault for loving him; for succumbing to those eyes. To make herself so vulnerable to his words. To give him this much power to hurt her because it hurt her; hurt her bad.
It was a huge mistake to have come here tonight. She understood it now. Why did she always have to realise everything when it was a tad bit too late? She shouldn't have interfered with the matters. Yet her warm heart had felt the discomfort of her sister and she wanted to help her, make her feel at ease. Making the party more indianized would not solve the fact that her sister was uncomfortable among the new surroundings she is being pushed into. She hadn't realised that. She had thought a little of her touch from here and there will make her sister put her at ease.
The plan she concocted in her haste was not the best. She understood it now. How must it have looked to the others? Her cheeks burnt with consternation and mortification.
Out of breath she came to a stop outside the corridor that overlooked the field of seeping grass. A gentle breeze was humming through the air playing with her open tresses and stars twinkled merrily above her head. It was serene and quite; just as she liked.
She hadn't heard the footsteps due to her own frantic running but someone had followed her almost the instant she left the gathering.
Now as she turned around, she realised he was walking towards her.
His face was expressionless as always and his eyes were sombre but it was also accompanied by a curious gleam she hadn't seen before.
A sigh escaped her lips. She wasn't ready for him. Not yet; with her huge emotional upheaval. She didn't want to confront him with them, those said emotions, when she hasn't confronted them herself. She didn't know how to behave around him any longer. Her composure she always maintained around him had shattered like a broken glass and she needed time to reassemble the pieces back together how much splintered they might look later on.
He walked steadily towards her.
She has been left naked and more vulnerable than ever before; easier to get hurt, shattered and broken beyond repair.
She didn't want t look at him.
She didn't want anything from him. She looked for no return of her feelings from him. She didn't want to confront him.
His walk reminded her of a slowly prowling lion, readying for the pounce on his prey.
She had always known that she loved him. Yet she was in denial. She had refused to accept the fact that she could love someone who could hurt her to this extent. Maybe that was where the hurt came from in the first place. Her feelings were all interwoven with him in the center of the masterpiece. Everything he uttered, how he thought of her, mattered to her. The fact that he questioned her character a little while back had hurt her far more than anything he has uttered to her so far. The pain radiating from the upper left quarters of her chest confirmed this fact.
He wasn't the raaj kumaar (prince charming) she had in her dreams. Far from it.
She didn't want to answer back to his earlier questions. She was too tired. She was tired with confronting her constant emotional breakdowns. She wanted to escape to sweet nothingness and think of nothing; she wanted to fall back to a deep slumber from which wouldn't wake up until she wanted to.
She wanted to end the running yet she didn't have the strength to stop her self.
She did not have the strength she needed to give in. Sometimes it was better to blurt it out. But she had no energy left in her for words.
He stopped in front of her and looked her deep in the eyes. She hadn't shed a tear from the time she walked away from the party. She needed the confines of her room tonight and until then tears could wait.
He opened his mouth and tried to say something but he didn't. It seemed something was stopping him from saying what was in his heart.
Kushi looked into his eyes and realised instantly what he wanted to tell. He wanted to apologize to her for his words, but his ego, his constant nudging of their inequality that's residing in his head was stopping him from uttering the words to her.
She was poor. She had no social class or status. She had no connections, wealthy relations or prospects. How could he apologize to her let alone love her?
He had done that long time back hadn't he? He had apologized to her before. But then what's stopping him now? What is the difference of Today? Was it the stark contrast he suddenly spotted between them?
Why was she so affected by how this man saw her? Why did this matter to her more than anything else in the world? Why did her heart beat faster yet slower, her body feel numb yet excited, her fingers clammy but itching to touch his face, her lips dry yet wanting to taste his own? Why?
The reason was simple. She was in love; in love with a man who will never return that love.
And something snapped. Something deep within her that unleashed a vein of energy in her that shook her in amazement and startled her in equal measures.
She needed peace of mind. If she was anything, kushi kumari guptha was brave. She wanted to let it all out and leave for good. Nothing is expected in return from him. Nothing is to be returned to her. One final thing to say to him and she would leave his life forever. She would never let him affect her ever again and she made the final resolve and vowed to herself with the name of devi mayya.
This was her final resolution and she knew she would not waver from it.
It was now or never.
She took a deep breath and looked him in the eye.
"It's quite all right Arnav Singh Raizada. No need to say things you don't want to. It must be quite hard for you to bring yourself down to the level of a poor girl isn't it? You will have to step down from the pedestal you so precariously had set yourself on. That's alright Mr Raizada I completely understand how you feel. There is absolutely no need to explain."
"Kushi I'.Listen to me'"
She felt her cheeks burn and adrenaline gush in as her as her heart broke those emotional barriers which restrained her all these days.
"No Mr Raizada, you listen to me. I know you are wealthy. I know we are different in social class. I know I can't speak English like you. I know our family backgrounds are different. So don't try to dish that out again. If I have the ability to reverse all these just so I can make you feel as how I feel right now, I would do so. But I can't and even if I can, I won't."
She took a deep breath and continued.
"I know my status bothers you. You cringe to the fact that I am the sole breadwinner of my family. You ridicule my situation and mock my abilities. You question my character; you claim that I am after nothing but money"
"Yet why do I feel as if my heart will stop the day when I cease to see you? Why do I die a thousand deaths every single time you think ill of me. Why do I hate myself every living moment for not being able to come up to your expectations, not contribute to your happiness, not be a part of your life? Why do I curse myself every time I realise that I will always disappoint you?"
"Why do I despise myself that my stature will never be enough for me to make you see me as I see you?"
"Why do I hate my self when I realise I do not have the ability to make you happy?"
A dry sob escaped from. Her voice was getting unstable by each passing second and her feet felt clammy from the rush of emotions overtaking her body. Her heart thudded dully against her rib cage and she felt a strange sense of airlessness in her; a sense as if she was floating, flying'.yet with her feet on the ground. It was the most bizarre of senses she had felt in her life.
"You wouldn't understand all these Arnav ji do you? After all you have always mocked feelings; emotions'..love'..just as you have mocked me every time for my status, class and creed"
"Leave it Arnav ji. It's really not that important right now is it? But imagine you and me stripped of all these materialistic values revolving around us and look at each other straight in the eye while talking to our hearts; our souls addressing each other'. what would they talk about?"
I will tell you what my heart will tell yours. It will tell you that I have all the rights in the world to dream, cherish and hold on to love as much as everyone else has. It will tell that although everything else mismatches and disapproves, it will still keep on loving no matter what. It will also tell your heart that my heart will never expect anything from return but keep on loving unconditionally for eternity."
Her last words came out as a whisper drawing in the wind. She let out a ragged breath and broke eye contact to close her heavy eye lids. She felt drained and washed off. Her energy which had kept her going all this time seemed to have run its course leaving her battered, defeated and broken. She didn't want to continue any longer. She let the drowsiness hit her and welcomed that sweet nothingness she so wished a few minutes earlier.
Just before her knees buckled over and hit the ground, she felt his protective hands around her, holding her securely in their grip. The last she felt before unconsciousness took over her was the warm drops of tears on her cheeks, falling from his eyes.
-=-
It didn't turn out as well as I wanted it to be. But oh well'
The last bit is inspired from Jane Eyre when she confesses to Mr Rochester of her feelings for him. It was quite unconventional you see because it was the heroine who confessed first. ~ It is and will always be one of my favourite confessions.
Thank you for reading and hit like if you like it. I really would like to know your comments and criticism. So I would really appreciate it if you can leave a comment too.😊
Thanks!
Edited by hirushinz - 12 years ago
