its important....plz read - Page 4

Originally posted by: Minnie

   That's great Fatmah !!! I think that is the best course.

    Having a 6 year old myself, I know that it will be beyond his comprehension that the person who he considers a father is not a real father....in fact his needle might get stuck onto....he is not my father?? Is he fake? Is he pretending??? Then who is my father? Why do I call him father...etc etc, not to mention the insecurity that will develop right away. Children don't like shaky ground. Of course some kids have a very good constitution as far as digesting unpalatable news is concerend, but the risk is just not worth taking.

     He is not at the age to understand. The best would be not to mention anything about it to the child about this at all. The jerk of a father can meet him, but he will have to bear the torture of being called an 'uncle' and the reality will have to be put off till the child reaches a certain age. The meetings between the so called father and the child will have to be strictly regulated. In fact, just sending him some photographs should suffice in the beginning. He never did anything to deserve to be called a father anyway. The father is the one who is bringing him up, not the jerk who conviniently sowed his seeds and then forgot all about it....

     The real father needs to be kept informed of everything. That is the most important part of all.

Hey Minnie , i don't agree with you here . The chances of that needle getting stuck that he is the adopted father, not real but fake is not real.The child will have many complex questions . But an intelligent woman must answer all of them to the satisfaction of the child . Once the child is satisfied they stop making a big deal out of the situation.

The reseraches have shown keeping this information out there for the child makes him a) accept it much easily.......younger they are more easily.
b) If they are told and showed again and again that the real but adopted dad loves this child like anything . The attitude is more to love and appreciate the dad back.
c) His knowing the truth about his biological dad will make him love his adopted dad much more .
d) He will find out that his father adopted him and bio father abandoned him from an outside souce , like school and neighbour hood kids ,and the repercusions of hiding that truth are very devestating.

The opinion of psychologists have been that these things are best kept open from the start for the child.
Edited by Aparna_BD - 18 years ago

really.... hats off to her!!!! 👏 👏 👏
she needs to tell her son abt it but not now.... he's still very young to understand it.......
but her first husband ..... he was not immature to understand what his wife was goin through..... did he came to her when she needed him..... 😡
she has to go on with her life now..... cant go back!! i think she should tell this to her husband now... because he is one to know abt it.....if she cant forgive her ex-husband..... she shouldn really let her to meet her son...... cause he don deserve her n her son....... n she has gone far in her life to get back to him with any relationship.... she has her own family that trusts her n love her......
   n her ex-husband ,he should have realised much before what he did to her........... but not now ........she has herself created a new world for her that she very much deserve!!!! he'll have to regret the thing forever ........ thats his punishment......

the father should be able to meet the son but he can not let the son know that he is his father they should just meet as i dont know freinds or somthing 😕 the father has NO right to come now after SIX years and ruin a perfectly happy life!

Originally posted by: Aparna_BD

Hey Minnie , i don't agree with you here . The chances of that needle getting stuck that he is the adopted father, not real but fake is not real.The child will have many complex questions . But an intelligent woman must answer all of them to the satisfaction of the child . Once the child is satisfied they stop making a big deal out of the situation.

The reseraches have shown keeping this information out there for the child makes him a) accept it much easily.......younger they are more easily.
b) If they are told and showed again and again that the real but adopted dad loves this child like anything . The attitude is more to love and appreciate the dad back.
c) His knowing the truth about his biological dad will make him love his adopted dad much more .
d) He will find out that his father adopted him and bio father abandoned him from an outside souce , like school and neighbour hood kids ,and the repercusions of hiding that truth are very devestating.

The opinion of psychologists have been that these things are best kept open from the start for the child.

   Aparna, with due respect to all the phychologists out there, children are not really that simple beings. I agree they should be told. Yes, the child has to be told,sooner the better. But not right away. He needs to be at an age where he can grasp the complications. It's different than being adopted. The issues are different here. It's one thing to tell a child that God gave you to a different mom and dad but gave you to us because we loved and wanted you and can't do without you. And completely different thing to suddenly tell him, hey kid, the dad you see is not the 'real' one but the new one is, but beleive me the 'not really real' dad loves you more than the 'really real one'. Now when the suddenly repented biological father is around to suddenly smother the child with pent up love and shower him with everything he probably should not be getting at this age just to win his approval, it would make things even more difficult. At this age, children often equate love with the amount of gift someone showers and the amount of tantrum someone sufferes. In fact this might even forever make it very difficult for his adoptive dad to be strict with him. At this particular age children are learning to slide into the disciplined world of the adults, realising that there are rules that they have to follow, and that there is something called maturity which they need to learn and imbibe.

    It's never going to be easy. But instead of coming forth right away, it needs to be done slowly, gradually, preferably in consultation with a child pscycologists.

    I am not advocating that they need to hide. What I am saying is that it needs to be done very carefully, sensitively, and with time.

Edited by Minnie - 18 years ago

Originally posted by: Neil Diamond

Following are the anomalies in this STORY! (based on the highlighted points above)

1. This story's narrator is a "very close friend" of the subject. She is bound to be biased in her version of story and it shows.

2.She says, "as long as she stayed with her hubby,love grew" which means MIL wasnt staying with them. How can she put the blame on MIL or the son,squarely that it was because of them that the woman had to suffer.

3. She says "problem was mom in law, as we all know"...I take strong exception to this statement. She is showing a total bias in saying that "as we all know". Being a close friend does not warrent her to make such a strong and general statement. It clearly proves that this is a made-up,biased story.

4. Were the two so dumb that MIL could create wall between them ,while she was staying away from them( as it appears from the story-line).

5. Where were girls parents, if she was left to struggle alone..all alone. I fail to fathom that being the only child, her parents did not come to her rescue,even if she was abroad.

6. "She is feeling sorry for him"...goes to show that she still loves him because you dont feel sorry for someone if you dont feel for him. Even if you feel sorry, its temporary for strangers. How can she still feel for him, if she was treated so badly (as per story).

All the members have jumped into the conclusion that its the former husband/MIl's fault and that he should not get a chance to claim over the boy.

Has anyone, ever tried to think " What could have been the former husband's version of story" before they use all kinds of adjectives for the Man!

No more discussion from me on this becuase this is merely a "STORY" and nothing more than that, worth making a movie...well, someone was asking me to offer help but I dont make movies...I was referring it to Mahesh Bhatt. So that person can join hands with Mahesh Bhatt.😆

PS: Editing this, because I just read that they were in Muscat. Were they muslims?...If yes,am not surprised about the "talaak"

I have seen a similar "story", as you call it, happen in real life. Though it does have a distinct "Bollywood movie" feel to it, it is shocking in its reality.

Originally posted by: Neil Diamond

Following are the anomalies in this STORY! (based on the highlighted points above)

1. This story's narrator is a "very close friend" of the subject. She is bound to be biased in her version of story and it shows.

2.She says, "as long as she stayed with her hubby,love grew" which means MIL wasnt staying with them. How can she put the blame on MIL or the son,squarely that it was because of them that the woman had to suffer.

3. She says "problem was mom in law, as we all know"...I take strong exception to this statement. She is showing a total bias in saying that "as we all know". Being a close friend does not warrent her to make such a strong and general statement. It clearly proves that this is a made-up,biased story.

4. Were the two so dumb that MIL could create wall between them ,while she was staying away from them( as it appears from the story-line).

5. Where were girls parents, if she was left to struggle alone..all alone. I fail to fathom that being the only child, her parents did not come to her rescue,even if she was abroad.

6. "She is feeling sorry for him"...goes to show that she still loves him because you dont feel sorry for someone if you dont feel for him. Even if you feel sorry, its temporary for strangers. How can she still feel for him, if she was treated so badly (as per story).

All the members have jumped into the conclusion that its the former husband/MIl's fault and that he should not get a chance to claim over the boy.

Has anyone, ever tried to think " What could have been the former husband's version of story" before they use all kinds of adjectives for the Man!

No more discussion from me on this becuase this is merely a "STORY" and nothing more than that, worth making a movie...well, someone was asking me to offer help but I dont make movies...I was referring it to Mahesh Bhatt. So that person can join hands with Mahesh Bhatt.😆

PS: Editing this, because I just read that they were in Muscat. Were they muslims?...If yes,am not surprised about the "talaak"

   Neil, first of all, your assumtion and conclusion that this is a made up story, rankles to say the least. You are right that, yes, as a friend, she might have got just one side of the story, but the fact remains no matter what, the man did not take up the responsibility of the kid when he was born. And just because there might be a bias, you cannot attack the credibilty of a member openly, especially when the member is asking for an open advice. This is not a courtroom that we sit judgement on who did what wrong, and what the man's story was, but what is the best option for a child subjected to rejection at birth.

   As for the MIL part, no matter how much we refute, I have seen hundreds of cases where parents in law try to break up a marriage because they don't like the spouse of their child. And it's not only the boys parents, but girls as well. But for some reason, the MILs in India from the boys family tend to be very cruel at times. We in India should know this better than any one else in the world. I guess that the girl in question was plain lucky that she wasn't burnt alive or was hung from a ceiling fan and made to look like a suicide. Where else in the world have heard of cases where a daughter in law is killed, and buried under the rolls of heavy bedding for 3 years in the room of their three storied house, reported missing, and everyone living happily in the same house without a single shred of remorse, guilt, shame or fear before being found out? And even have the gall of asking for biryani as their last meal before being hanged for their crime 🤢 ?

Originally posted by: Neil Diamond

Following are the anomalies in this STORY! (based on the highlighted points above)

1. This story's narrator is a "very close friend" of the subject. She is bound to be biased in her version of story and it shows.

2.She says, "as long as she stayed with her hubby,love grew" which means MIL wasnt staying with them. How can she put the blame on MIL or the son,squarely that it was because of them that the woman had to suffer. Well if a marriage blew up , who else does one blame , but the spouse .........in a joint family case, also the family often

3. She says "problem was mom in law, as we all know"...I take strong exception to this statement. She is showing a total bias in saying that "as we all know". Being a close friend does not warrent her to make such a strong and general statement. It clearly proves that this is a made-up,biased story.How did you come to such conclusion that this is a made up -biased story ?

4. Were the two so dumb that MIL could create wall between them ,while she was staying away from them( as it appears from the story-line).Many marriages are broken by a third party interferance. So out here was the MIL. I have actually seen cases when the mama dear doesn't allow the son to spend time with the wife , she makes sure the bahu stays in the kitchen all day , while she can relax . In such cases the men are really what we term as "mama's boy" , and doesn't have the guts to tell his mom that he wants to be with his wife . And plz treat my wife better.
This is when such marriages find hard to survive.

5. Where were girls parents, if she was left to struggle alone..all alone. I fail to fathom that being the only child, her parents did not come to her rescue,even if she was abroad.Many Indian/Pakistani familes , girls parents DO NOT involve themselves in the girls family relationship, as they feel its the right thing to do.

6. "She is feeling sorry for him"...goes to show that she still loves him because you dont feel sorry for someone if you dont feel for him. Even if you feel sorry, its temporary for strangers. How can she still feel for him, if she was treated so badly (as per story).How do you derive "feeling sorry" for some one means love ?????????????????????? I often feel sorry for the beggars on the road in India ...........i am sure its not love ....mere "pity"!!

All the members have jumped into the conclusion that its the former husband/MIl's fault and that he should not get a chance to claim over the boy.This man had enough time to redeem herself when the woman was carrying his child , before she married again . He seems like a irresponsible man and completely unworthy.

Has anyone, ever tried to think " What could have been the former husband's version of story" before they use all kinds of adjectives for the Man!Yes , i may have liked to hear two sides of the story . But this is not a court case and we the Jury , and she stands trial . The member wants advise and we gave her.

No more discussion from me on this becuase this is merely a "STORY" and nothing more than that, worth making a movie...well, someone was asking me to offer help but I dont make movies...I was referring it to Mahesh Bhatt. So that person can join hands with Mahesh Bhatt.😆

PS: Editing this, because I just read that they were in Muscat. Were they muslims?...If yes,am not surprised about the "talaak"
Well if you think this is a mere story , you need not have jumped into just to make negative comments and make this member feel bad.You are free to not respond ( Read the rules set by the Development team )

 

Edited by Aparna_BD - 18 years ago

Originally posted by: Minnie

   Aparna, with due respect to all the phychologists out there, children are not really that simple beings. I agree they should be told. Yes, the child has to be told,sooner the better. But not right away. He needs to be at an age where he can grasp the complications. It's different than being adopted. The issues are different here. It's one thing to tell a child that God gave you to a different mom and dad but gave you to us because we loved and wanted you and can't do without you. And completely different thing to suddenly tell him, hey kid, the dad you see is not the 'real' one but the new one is, but beleive me the 'not really real' dad loves you more than the 'really real one'. Now when the suddenly repented biological father is around to suddenly smother the child with pent up love and shower him with everything he probably should not be getting at this age just to win his approval, it would make things even more difficult. At this age, children often equate love with the amount of gift someone showers and the amount of tantrum someone sufferes. In fact this might even forever make it very difficult for his adoptive dad to be strict with him. At this particular age children are learning to slide into the disciplined world of the adults, realising that there are rules that they have to follow, and that there is something called maturity which they need to learn and imbibe.

    It's never going to be easy. But instead of coming forth right away, it needs to be done slowly, gradually, preferably in consultation with a child pscycologists.

    I am not advocating that they need to hide. What I am saying is that it needs to be done very carefully, sensitively, and with time.

 Minnie there are ways to explain this to a child . But using terms like "real" and "not real" are not the right terms . One needs to explain to them using different words . The right words and explanations are easy for even a little child to digest.

As for keeping the child completely away from the biological child is also not right , as the kid will grow older and will be resentfull that his mom kept his away from his bio dad . So the contact is necessary whether she likes it or not. And like i said before , its safest to first complete legalisation of this adoption and then allow restricted meeting .

As for the parents having tough time disclipining the child in his pre- tean , tean years , well thats something that happens in such cases and one just has to deal with it . I have friends and Cousins who are adopted . The cousins are in their teans and are just now acting out . While the adopted adults talk about their experience and speak with embarrasement that yes we did act out as teans and threw it on our parents face . But as an adoptive parent ,we have to deal with it. Same goes for this adoptive father.

Now this kid is at a school going age , also will have neighbour hood friends . Before he find out the truth about his father(s),and starts getting teased, its best that his mom starts talking to him straight !!