My Story collection-Apoorva.N.S (Page 4)

gadhadada IF-Addictz

Joined: 27 August 2010
Posts: 74944

Posted: 17 October 2011 at 12:06am | IP Logged

UR PLOT was really FABULOUSClapClapClap...
but still a very SQUEEZE storyCryCry...
need sum ELABORATIONSmile...
NARRATOR character should be moreSmile...
FUNNY CHATS are OKBig smile...
need a bit LONGSmile...
but really GOOD JOBClapClapClapClap!!!

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Daydreaming IF-Dazzler

Joined: 30 May 2011
Posts: 3865

Posted: 17 October 2011 at 12:08am | IP Logged
Hey apoorva, it was a nice story.. Short and sweet.. Keep it up Thumbs Up
Hasini_smile Goldie

Joined: 07 April 2010
Posts: 1383

Posted: 17 October 2011 at 12:48am | IP Logged
hey apoorva... nice story...
short and sweet one with a good message...
ADreamyDeepz28 IF-Dazzler

Joined: 11 July 2011
Posts: 2988

Posted: 17 October 2011 at 4:56am | IP Logged

Hey Apoorva, 

I liked the basic concept of the story. Its a bit different from usual CID episodes we see. I guess such a story can be shown on CID during Independence or Republic Day specials as we show importance to those freedom fighters of the country during those particular days.                                                                                                                        
"They sit back and watch in the is a really touching drama about the lives and ends of the country's greatest freedom fighters.Daya sees abhijett wiping off a tear"
- I felt that Adi sir won't cry that eazily,rather he will have a proudness on face .
I loved the dialogues between Abhijeet-Daya:
D- Abhijeet tumhe pata nahi? humaare saath sirf Acp saab, salunke saab, vivek  aur Freddie aa rahe.tumne kya socha?Wink
AP-tum sirf yahi poochne waala thi na ki  Taarika aane waali hai? woh bhi aa rahi hai
A- achhaEmbarrassedToh hume kya farak padhti hai, hai na daya?
D-haan haanBig smile
I like it whenever such dialogues come on screen especially when I see Adi sir's face its so ...  EmbarrassedEmbarrassedTongue
This dialogue made me cry because it had a depth in it:
A-Tum dil pe mat le yaar.Bhagat singh, Chandrashekhar azad jaise logon ki marne se humaare desh ko koi farak nahi padhta, toh mere marne se kya ho sakta hai?
D-Chup karo tum.Atleast mujhe farak padhta hai...
Its a request that after you type the story read it yourself to avoid small errors in story which spoils the fun in reading the story..
Please see that you write the characters name with a capital such as Vivek instead of vivek.
I hope you didn't feel bad in any of my opinions Apoorva Its just my suggestions. Generally I liked the story as it was detailed aswell short and sweet ClapClapClapClapThumbs UpThumbs Up

Edited by DreamyDeepz28 - 17 October 2011 at 5:49am
visrom IF-Stunnerz

Joined: 26 November 2009
Posts: 30673

Posted: 20 October 2011 at 2:33am | IP Logged
I finally managed to find time to read it.
If I think of this as a story in Mumbai, it's nice...but then just like FW's unexplained manner of taking Mumbai CID off to Andaman and having Abhijeet enjoy a swim in the beach is...questionable. LOL, though I am sure people here will enjoy imagining that scene.
The other point which Deep explained here is correct too...Abhijeet is not one who is that emotional...he's a tough guy, you know.

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nsapo IF-Rockerz

Joined: 27 August 2010
Posts: 6262

Posted: 23 October 2011 at 8:34am | IP Logged
Unfortunately di...Cellular jail where Azad and Bhagat singh lived was in Andaman and since I had visited Andaman I thought i could make it sound as painful as the first i went there...Ya why they came there was bit abrupt...will TC from nxt other wise how was it?

nsapo IF-Rockerz

Joined: 27 August 2010
Posts: 6262

Posted: 08 February 2012 at 8:25am | IP Logged

CID Story-Mystery of the killer Coffee

 Scene 1:At a party Hall

Some people are present in a party. Everyone is talking happily.The women are gossiping away to glory. Then the host Rohan comes to the dias-

Rohan: We are about to begin a new venture and this party is for you all to enjoy.Since we are beginning a coffee company...You will all be given various samples of our coffee...Please give your review.

The waiters distribute the coffee to everyone...And then a person clad in black suit turns to face Ravi...Ravi is perplexed and shocked...He excuses himself and comes up to him. He cold shoulders the man

Ravi: Sunil , I believe you weren't invited for the party. How did you just barge into the party?

Other man: I'm a politician, i don't need invitations when I have power and money...Laughs mockingly...

Ravi calls his security guards and asks them to through the man out of the party. The man is humiliated and shouts back "I will avenge this insult" and storms out in a rage.

 Soon after, Meena , Ravi's personal secretary is tasting the coffee .All of a sudden, her face becomes strained and convulsive and her eyes become hazy...She shouts out Ravi and falls down. One of the production managers check her pulse and announce she's dead. He also asks everyone to stop drinking coffee. He calls the CID.

Scene2; Crime Scene Investigation

Abhijeet: Meena's definitely died from arsenical poisoning Daya. Death must have just taken her by surprise.

Daya: But actually, how come so many people tasted the coffee and only Meena was affected? Arsenical poisoning has its immediate effects.

Vivek: Maybe the samples were prepared separately.

After enquiry, they find out, to their   disappointment, that the coffee samples were prepared together .Then, Rekha, Ravi's wife narrates the incident of Sunil threatening her husband at the party.

Sushma:But I find it strange that Meena called out Ravi's name.

Naina:Sushma did you not know that they were...(sees the CID cops and stops herself)

Abhijeet: Naina, did you just say that Ravi was having an affair with Meena?

Naina: Yes Sir. And even Rekha knew about it.

Daya:This case is just not what it seems.

Sachin: Yes sir. We have just received news that the politician  Sunil, who these people claim attended the party, is currently in a meeting in Japan regarding Nuclear deals.

Kajol: We shouldn't also forget that this man in all probability had a previous grudge on Ravi as Rekha says Ravi was shocked on his arrival.

Abhijeet: Right now ...Dr.Taarika's the only one who can help us.

Daya coughs...and smiles

Abhi: Daya, shall  I get some medicine from the first aid box? And then sees his smile and gets embarrassed.

 \Scene3 :lab

Dr. Salunkhe I would like to inform you both, with great regrets , that the body cannot be analysed for a few more days.It contains a poison that would leave no traces if the body is exposed to air.It is sublimable in nature.

Sachin:That's fine sir...we will wait.But is there anything else of considerable relevance?

Tarika: Of course there is.The poison is present in all the glasses.The only difference is that Meena had a rare condition called strukoma which made her body react to the poison.

Purvi;But I have never heard of it before.Confused

Dr. Salunkhe:Of course not.It is not a genetic disease but one that is developed due to excessive smoking.But the fact prevails that she never smoked, but was give daily doses of tobacco in her food everyday.

Nikhil:But is it that easy to administer tobacco?

Tarika:It is because in its leaf form it looks like any other herb.Morever under strong spices, its flavour is hardly detectable.

Scene 4: Sunil's house 

At Sunil's house they find that he was indeed out of town that day as reported.But he says that his twin brother Rakesh was in town and might have attended the party.On getting to know that Meena was administered with tobacco, they go to the market as sale of tobacco leaves is illegal, there should be very few places where they are sold.They don't find it anywhere in the market, but in a small pan shop near Rohan's house.He claims that he specially procured the leaves for a guy.He sees Rohan's photo and says it isn't him.He is taken to the lab and sketches the guy's face.

Daya;Sir, this is Mahesh, Rohan's clerk

ACP:Ask him to come to the beareau right now.Also get his phone call details forthe past week.

Mahesh comes to the lab and on enquiry is revealed to be Meena's brother.He shows that a doctor named Santosh had prescribed her to have tobacco leaves for her nerves.

Abhijeet: What kind of a foll are you?Don't you know how harmful tobacco is for the body?Somebody prescribes and you start giving it without any second opinion?Angry

Mahesh(offended)I am an uneducated man sir .I wouldn't know.Shocked

They visit the clinic where the prescription gives the location.They find remains of a once clinic.On enquiring in the neighbourhood, they find that the owner sold the building a few days ago.They recover the documents of the property and realise who the culprit is.

Rakesh:I swear I assisted the murderer but did not murder her after all i loved the person whom i helped.i was under obligation to do it as I had got a lot of money from her to start my political career with.I went there only to shock Rohan who thought he had killed Sunil the previous day.

ACP: And the person to whom you gave the money is...

Rakesh: It is ...(a bullet strikes him form behind.He falls down)A008.He dies.A motorbike sppeds down the road and disappears.

Daya: What's that ?sounds like a code.

Abhijeet.Come lets try and decipher it

After hours of work they realise they're on a wrong track.After all he loved her.But something flashes to Abhijeet's mind.He asks for Vivek to look through Rakesh's college records for roll. number A008.And they find that she is...

Sushma.She breaks down in the beareau.She says she's always loved Rohan and was jealous of Meena.So she decide to take her old friend Rakesh's help.Rakesh had a grudge on Rohan as he had exploited him financially in an attempt to give him political oppurtunities.

ACP:You shall now be lonely in Jail...with no one to love you.

Edited by nsapo - 14 February 2012 at 8:13am

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Athene Viewbie

Joined: 30 November 2010
Posts: 122741

Posted: 08 February 2012 at 8:39am | IP Logged
Very nice Apoorva. Please do continue. Clap I want to know what happens next.

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