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My Story collection-Apoorva.N.S

nsapo IF-Rockerz
nsapo
nsapo

Joined: 27 August 2010
Posts: 6206

Posted: 08 October 2011 at 11:47pm | IP Logged
Wink1.Diamonds-A woman's Best friend
Hi ...this is my second story but this time i will write in narrative and make it short...Becoz i am more comfortable in english...sry...I wud stilll have liked to do the long form will do so wen my hindi improves...WinkAlso i dont have have any unwanted lab scenes bt sum real hardcore investigation...
GIVE HARDCORE FEEDBACK ALSO>>.TongueGive your likes and dislikes for me to Improve.PLS

A normal day in CId bereau...everyone enjoying dussehra sweets...stuffing them in the mouth and talking.Suddenly a phone call in the bureau...
Abhijeet-Ye sweets toh mere mooh me hain..mein baat kaise karoon?koi aur phone uthalo
Daya(with sweets in mouth)Ummmph..fresshy..phoshe uthaho
everyone laughs...Abhijeet swallows and picks up
Haan Haan batayiye...fish tank mein khoon?arre aap ki dhimak teekh hain ki nahi...accha..hum aate hein.
They go to sea food hotel...In the fish tank where people choose fish they want for their lunch there is deep scarlet liquid diffused all around..They take th tank to the lab.Dr.Salunkhe says that the blood is not of a human but of a tuna.In the blood there is traceable amounts of diamond micron powder..which is used in diamond polishing..They guess that they are smuggling
ACP:par agar ye diamond bhi machli ke sath pakti toh woh evaporate ho jaayege na salunkhe...
DRSyeh baat to hai boss
They go to the hotel...the chef says there is only one guy who takes tuna fish and that too cooked.But the guy doesnt turn  up that day...But the Cid team wonders how he could taking the diamond  when he has cooked  it .But they take a sketch of the guy and leave.But they dnt find him  anywhere nor in the records.Salunkhe calls them  and tells that there is traces of human blood also.
DRS:Kya hua Abhijeet?Itna muh khula hua hai,tarika ko transfer kiya hai isliye?
Abhi to Daya: Woh toh cookery competition ke liye gayi hai.
Daya:Agar bhindi banayegi toh jeet jayegi
Abhi:Daya tum bhi na


They go and find out about diamond polishing suppliers...When they show the guy, he says he's not seen that guy..He gives one more description who buys very little amounts of powder but has no knowledge of diamonds..The other day he even believed an artificial white stones to be diamonds.Later Sachin gets list of  all diamonds merchants..Surprisingly, there is one woman merchant .They decide to visit her.
When they go, Sachin borrows the big necklace she is wearing and examines it under a microscope.They see traces of red stain in the corners.
Sachin:yeh kone mein khoon kyun hai Sharmila ji?aapke baaki ke jewels laayiye zara dekhte hein.
All of them have blood in the corners.When examined in the lab, they are all traces of human blood.The blood is from possibly from an infant.All of them are shell shocked to Know somebody has killed so many infants to obtain their blood.
All nearby hospitals in the area are searched.Only in one of the  hospitals, there are too many dead babies and all of them girls.
Acp:Yeh kya hai doctor saab itne saari ladkiyan mar chuki hai?itna kum  operations successful hote hai kya aapke hospital main?
Doctor.Woh shayad ...pata nahi
daya threatens him.He says the family did not want females so they left them in the backyard to die. He thought he will give them to a orphanage but the babies disappeared after one day.so he thought somebody is adopting them.
At bureau,Freddy says  that he's searched so much, where are these two people in sketches?What if they dont exist?ACP hears this and says probably they dont exist and asks vivek to bring the people who make these sketches.
Sharmila, The diamond powder person and the hotel guy cum .after some threatening, they confess .
Sharmila says that she could never have children due to after effects of an accident.So she read about the article on net which said that if you anoint diamonds with baby blood, then there will be possibilities of having children.So the guy in the hotel used to get the dead babies from the hospital backyard and  wash diamonds in them and then send it to the jeweller whom she herself had hired.They gave false sketches to mislead the team.
ABhijeet-Agar un bacchoon mein ek bhi lakke paalte toh tumhari aasha bhi puri hoti, aur  ek nanhi si jaan bhi bach jaati.Par woh fish tank mein khoon aaya hi kyun?
Hotel guy..Jab mein ye kaam kar raha tha toh ek customer aa gaya.Isliye bina soche samjhe 
haat daldiya paani mein aur khoon phail gaya.
ACP:Shaayad isme koi galati toh nahi lagegi court ko, par phir bhi yeh internet pe kuch padh liya aur follow karna shuru kar diya?Achche kaam bhi aise kyun nahi follow karte aap log?



Edited by nsapo - 10 October 2011 at 9:07am

The following 3 member(s) liked the above post:

DJ_Apurvasunnyp1414--Rose--

shalini.cid Senior Member
shalini.cid
shalini.cid

Joined: 15 May 2011
Posts: 431

Posted: 09 October 2011 at 12:13am | IP Logged
nice story ... a totally diffrent motivw and a change from phaansi dialog... but a doubt how did the babies die??

doc thought of giving them to the orphanage but they went missing... lady gets the dead babies from the hotel guy,,,,, so how the kids die/??

its sad about that people take up superstitions...!!! but i like ur story!
nsapo IF-Rockerz
nsapo
nsapo

Joined: 27 August 2010
Posts: 6206

Posted: 09 October 2011 at 12:32am | IP Logged
Originally posted by shalini.cid

nice story ... a totally diffrent motivw and a change from phaansi dialog... but a doubt how did the babies die??

doc thought of giving them to the orphanage but they went missing... lady gets the dead babies from the hotel guy,,,,, so how the kids die/??

its sad about that people take up superstitions...!!! but i like ur story!

The babies were just left in the open and being very delicate, they die.After they die they used to get the babies as she wanted babies herself and did not order other's babies  to be killed.I m really glad you got the real message i tried to convey.Smile

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

shalini.cid

-Gitanjali- Coolbie
-Gitanjali-
-Gitanjali-

Joined: 23 October 2010
Posts: 38706

Posted: 09 October 2011 at 12:36am | IP Logged
Apoorva you have written a really short one this time

Good!!! though a bit longer would have done,Clap

Why dont you open a single thread titled Apoorva's story corner or something
nsapo IF-Rockerz
nsapo
nsapo

Joined: 27 August 2010
Posts: 6206

Posted: 09 October 2011 at 12:40am | IP Logged
Originally posted by NandiniPS

Apoorva you have written a really short one this time

Good!!! though a bit longer would have done,Clap

Why dont you open a single thread titled Apoorva's story corner or something

Actually I dont write often on net and I do not like typing long stuff.I feel though the show has a lot of chaska dialogues, i dont have that kinda patience.But overall what are the plus points and minus points?
-Gitanjali- Coolbie
-Gitanjali-
-Gitanjali-

Joined: 23 October 2010
Posts: 38706

Posted: 09 October 2011 at 12:44am | IP Logged
your writing style is really good Apoorva but I think you should have explained it more 

Other then that the plot is good and the story is well connected
aadri- Goldie
aadri-
aadri-

Joined: 01 September 2010
Posts: 2378

Posted: 09 October 2011 at 1:17am | IP Logged
good attempt nsapo...but it could have been a bit more clear...the reason behind crime is quite shocking but still believable...I have seen many such episodes on crime petrol...the apex of superstition !!


congrats on turning senior member...Smile
DreamyDeepz28 IF-Dazzler
DreamyDeepz28
DreamyDeepz28

Joined: 11 July 2011
Posts: 2882

Posted: 09 October 2011 at 3:41am | IP Logged

Hey Apoorva,

Your story I loved reading it, I wish if it could have been more descriptive  .
Your story was a topic different from the usual track of stories, the killing of girl child has been a very delicate issue, but sadly its stlil happening in our country, Please do come up with a detailed story with hindi dialogues so that we can enjoy it even more Smile.
I liked the Daya-Abhi conversation about Tarika Wink.
 
I felt you can write long stories, but yes it takes more patience to write a descriptive one. I know the difficulty of that .
Totally a good story Thumbs UpThumbs UpClapClapClap
A GOOD STORY Anyways BEST OF LUCK, MY WISHES ARE WITH YOU SmileSmileSmileSmileSmileSmile


Edited by DreamyDeepz28 - 11 October 2011 at 1:51am

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