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Loosing Virginity Before Marriage-DOTW (Page 4)

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Aparna_BD

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Aparna_BD

Joined: 01 July 2005

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Posted: 30 January 2006 at 9:01am | IP Logged
Originally posted by sowmyaa


 we in India don't go out or meet our friends boldly or exprses our intimate relashionships to society. We all initially hide our relashionship if we have aboyfriend/girlfriend from society. If you get physical with ur bf/gf you probably would like tohide this from society, your parents. why? 'coz it is still a taboo. People do look down to you they know that you are not married and you are indulged in physical relashionsip. To me anything you feel like hiding from society, your parents means that subconciously you are feeling that this is wrong to do.

Soumya in many puritanical Muslim societies(Saudi Arabia) for Women its illegal to drive a car or step out of the house without a Mahram(male family member) and many other awful restrictions . But tell me does this make a woman driving a car wrong and immoral really ?????????


I still think that it is hard to give same love and lust to your husband and once in a while you do think about your ex-boyfriends and lover. Yes, it may take years after years probably decade but you still once in a while tend to remember those moments spent together.
Soumya i am saying this out of not just experience but examples of my best friend and the other friends in my group . I know for a fact they are devoted wives to whom past relationships hold NO meaning what so ever . For them its often a fleeting thought that does NOT affect their love for their husband !!!!

It does not take years and decades to forget past relationships that did not work out . Once you have the love of the man you are spending your life with ,and you love him back . The past love you had and that failed apears Vanilla in front of it !!!!!!!! Thats maturity !!!

I know like you mentioned you don't have experience in this matter as you withheld your virginity ,and are assuming these feelings . Soumya , untill you experience it ......You will never know for sure !!!

I've often asked my girl friends who had an ex-lover and now are happily married for 5- 7-8 years . Do they think of that old boyfriend who meant the world to them at one point for them to loose their virginity to ? They say , sometimes ........but not with longing , but just comparing how good my husband is and what a looser that guy who i broke up with is . During intimacy with their husbands they NEVER think of their old boyfriend because what they have is very good !!
 


I would have felt more insecure saying these things Soumya if i was a 20 year old girl !! But at 31 i feel more confident after i see my best friends who lost their virginity ..........broke up ..........had lots of self doubt soon after ..............Used to say things you've said  ........after they found a good man to marry they realised those self doubts were useless !!Smile


Edited by Aparna_BD - 30 January 2006 at 9:19am

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Rindam

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Rindam

Joined: 24 October 2005

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Posted: 30 January 2006 at 11:03am | IP Logged
What if you are not happy with the person you end up marrying, not everyone gets the love of their life. This could make you think about your past relationships all the time. It makes it tougher, also one probably ends up being more cynical that most relationships are this way, that they dont work out.

People are emotional a lot of times and if virginity was only about sex it wouldnt have been such an issue in the first place.

-Tissue- Confused
That is missing the whole point in my mind. It's not so much about the deed for me, its about how you felt during the deed. If my husband had been with someone before marriage, I'd be just SO jealous, maybe I am naive, maybe im insecure , maybe im just an idiot but I wouldnt handle it with that much maturity, more emotion I guess. Becasue I am possesive and Id be too jealous and those images of him kissing someone else would just cloud everything else.

And what if you get pregnant, how many are ready for the responsibilty? How many of could possibly lose the joy of having a baby in the uncertainity. It's only because there a lot of risks involved, physical and emotional that many think premarital sex is not a great choice. Because you are only looking out for yourself, the risks are lesser when you are married becasue yeah your husband could dump you after as well.

But if one is ready to take the risks or the day you trust someone so much then its OK. it's not right or wrong its a choice, a big one and definitely with a lot of repurcussions and its more than about just sex.

sameer.84

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sameer.84

Joined: 10 May 2005

Posts: 10000

Posted: 30 January 2006 at 11:08am | IP Logged

Originally posted by Aparna_BD

aparna: I don't want to continue a discussion considering you are barely 13 mate and i am 31 !!Embarrassed

sam: who told u that i m 'barely 13'??Confused i m 22 by the way.

my basic reason for being against premarital sex is sprituality. its about God, His pleasure, Islam and being muslim. as we are different here, i cant debate u taking religious point of view.

but taking secular reasons, i think ur view that ' its ok for consenting adults' is fine for fantasy but not for real world as you are not taking the society as a whole.

lets see:

a) society wont change overnight....shame, suicide will keep going on.

b) its foolishness to think that the younger counterparts will not imitate them and do the same...results: teen pregnancies, abortions, suicide.

telling 'dont do it before 18' will not stop them.

c) it has been seen that whenever society became sexually liberal, sexual abusements and rape cases increased. USA is very liberal, hence a rape per minute.

d) its not going to be easy for everybody to forget their past experiences after marriage. if they find their marriage-partners less exciting, they'll opt for extra-marital affairs. results: jealousy, hatred, murders.

e) many will just do it to be in the group and be a 'new-age' person.

** u cant say that u dont care.....u have to see the other side to know its impact on the society!! if u'll read few articles on 'human psychology' and 'sociology', u'll get the answers.**

Aparna_BD

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Aparna_BD

Joined: 01 July 2005

Posts: 4926

Posted: 30 January 2006 at 11:47am | IP Logged
Rindam - Anu if you( a person i mean) aren't happy with your current marriage and you have tried hard to work on it . Well then thats a wake up call for you . You have a better chance of getting happines elsewhere .

As for telling your spouse about your past relationship , if you he/ she is NOT ready to handle your past . He/ she should not be confided in !!

Yes even for those women who lost their virginity to their boyfriend , it was lot more than just sex for them at that point of time .That doesn't mean after a break up they are unable to move on in their life and accept a perfectly happy relationship !!

Sam_84-
a ) shame , suicide - there are more incidences of suicide due to several other reasons . Pre-marital sex is certainly not the cause.

b)In a society like India or Pakistan where kids are heavily protected by their parents , especially as long as they are students (in some cases even afterwards) . I don't think you need to worry as much . Sex is taboo now and we still have cases of teanage sex !! So those who have the guts will continue to do so . But that doesn't mean making it socially acceptable for adults will encourage kids !!

c)Where did you get this point . Please do post a reliable source . Let me tell you about Denmark . Sex is very open there - prostitution is legal , you go to the goverment info centre and see brochures on where can you get paid sex . And do you now whats the crime rate in that Country ?????????????? Its one of the lowest in the World !!!!!!!Same goes for Amsterdam the Sex Capital of the World ( due to the famous Red light district). The sex crimes ,and other crimes are the lowest in that part of the world !!

d) Like i said , one can only say this out of experience that whether its easy to forget or not .........you are not talking about experience but ASSUMING !!!!!!

e) Oh please this is riddicules , people who have a perverted sense of sex will anyways do so in our society that frowns on sex . Don't degrade a man - woman relationship just to win a point !!!!!!!!!!! Are you aware people who have group sex or wife swap are generally married ??????????????????????? And not unmarried !!!Dead

Thx for keeping religon out of this topic !!!Smile


Edited by Aparna_BD - 30 January 2006 at 11:49am

*dolly*

IF-Sizzlerz

*dolly*

Joined: 22 January 2005

Posts: 13664

Posted: 30 January 2006 at 12:45pm | IP Logged
I believe sex matters a lot in a married life because if there's love between the persons involved, there's sex!! it's natural, it's a way to express it, a way we humans react And if making love is something regular in your married life, isn't is has to be important??
I mean why is it admirable to abstain?? because the majority don't?? and have you ever questioned why they did it??society is what tells us what's bad and what's not but, what about what we think?? what we really feel??

Now donot kill me for this LOL

sowmyaa

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sowmyaa

Joined: 23 August 2004

Posts: 3658

Posted: 30 January 2006 at 12:47pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Aparna_BD



Originally posted by sowmyaa

we in India don't go out
or meet our friends boldly or exprses our intimate relashionships to
society. We all initially hide our relashionship if we have
aboyfriend/girlfriend from society. If you get physical with ur bf/gf
you probably would like tohide this from society, your parents. why?
'coz it is still a taboo. People do look down to you they know that you
are not married and you are indulged in physical relashionsip. To me
anything you feel like hiding from society, your parents means that
subconciously you are feeling that this is wrong to do.

<span>Soumya in
many puritanical Muslim societies(Saudi Arabia) for Women its illegal
to drive a car or step out of the house without a Mahram(male family
member) and many other awful restrictions . But tell me does this make
a woman driving a car wrong and immoral really ?????????

Aparna, these are two different things. I said, if you do anything that you feel like hiding from society, parents then somewhere deep inside you know you are doing wrong. About women in certain countries not allowed to drive-- I don't think those women would be feeling that they are doing wrong if they drive around... if you think that having sex before marriage is right to do why dont you date and move-in like people in west. They don't feel that they are doing anything wrong and they are not 'coz whole society know that it's his/her bf/gf...BUT in india if you 've gf/bf you would not "dare" to tell society yes, this is my gf/bf and we live together and we had sex last night!!! This is the basic difference...the day you can discuss it without any fear in society that Is the D Day!



</span>I still think that it is hard to give same
love and lust to your husband and once in a while you do think about
your ex-boyfriends and lover. Yes, it may take years after years
probably decade but you still once in a while tend to remember those
moments spent together.
<span>Soumya i am
saying this out of not just experience but examples of my best friend
and the other friends in my group . I know for a fact they are devoted
wives to whom past relationships hold <span>NO</span>

Aparna, lets think rationally. If wife is devoted to his/her husband that does not mean that she/he does not remember their past affair. I've had friends the close one who from far seem to have great life and there is no reason for them not to love their husband. they can't get anything better...but sometimes after marriage even the bestest of friends don't feel like discussing their most inner secrets going on in their heart. All I am saying is getting sexually involve can make you weak. Considering in India there are tons of guys out there who just love you to get sexual pleasure and once thats done they dump you. what once you get married that boy start to blackmail you? we know these kind of cases can happen..if something like this happend in West they can't blackmail your or anything however, in India it could bring big storm in your married life. sounds filmy huh..but real too.

meaning what so ever . For them its often a fleeting thought that does NOT affect their love for their husband !!!!

It does not take years and decades to forget past relationships that
did not work out . Once you have the love of the man you are spending
your life with ,and you love him back . The past love you had and that
failed apears Vanilla in front of it !!!!!!!! Thats maturity !!!

Love and Maturity are good when we read it..but emotional turmoil is something that sometimes most mature person cannot handle it.


I know like you mentioned you don't have experience in this matter as
you withheld your virginity ,and are assuming these feelings . Soumya ,
untill you experience it ......You will never know for sure !!!

I've often asked my girl friends who had an ex-lover and now are
happily married for 5- 7-8 years . Do they think of that old boyfriend
who meant the world to them at one point for them to loose their
virginity to ? They say , sometimes ........but not with longing , but
just comparing how good my husband is and what a looser that guy who i
broke up with is . During intimacy with their husbands they NEVER think
of their old boyfriend because what they have is very good !!
</span]


I would have felt more insecure saying these things Soumya if i was a
20 year old girl !!

to be frank loosing your virginity question is raised mostly during when you are in ur 20s for most of us. By the time we are 30 most of women are married...so 20 year is the age you get to decide how secure you are and if you are ready. To be frank, i am so independant right now I would not care about what society think but at age of 20 girls in india are totally dependant on family and family is subject to society.

But at 31 i feel more confident after i see my best
friends who lost their virginity ..........broke up ..........had lots
of self doubt soon after ..............Used to say things you've
said ........after they found a good man to marry they realised
those self doubts were useless !!Smile


Edited by sowmyaa - 30 January 2006 at 12:58pm

Aparna_BD

IF-Dazzler

Aparna_BD

Joined: 01 July 2005

Posts: 4926

Posted: 30 January 2006 at 1:15pm | IP Logged
Soumya , i think you wrote just a paragraph on top,right ?? We should change colours while quoting . LOL Otherwise its confusing. Embarrassed

Soumya , just because Society frowns on it does not make it wrong !!!! In Saudi Arabia it is iilegal for a woman to walk without a maharam and not wear a nikab ( the full burqa unlike the Hijab . )She is brain washed as a child that "even a stray strand of hair can get a man to stop in his tracks ." So it is immoral and illegal and her responsibility to always wear a nikab outside the home .So a regualar woman belives in the nikab and will justify it . If she leaves home without her maharam and her nikab she will feel guilty of provoking a man's sexulaity !!!!

Do you honestly think boy and girl, Man - woman hanging out(platonically - No sex) is wrong ??
If yes , then we are not on the same page and this discussion is not relevant .
If No , then why still even in conservative towns a girl will get thrashed if her parents catch her casually talking to a boy . The Society will gossip about her and ruin her relationship and probably she may not even get rishtas.
.There was a sad and horrific incident a few months back of a man in Pakistan that even killed his daughters (honor killing ) out of suspicion !! Then there was the police woman in Meerut that thrashed a couple in the park !! For what ????????????????????? You are not even allowed to platonically date a man ?????? Is that how Draconian we are ??

Angry

p.s - the angry face is for that Meerut Police Woman not you .!! Smile

Oh i read your words again and did find the colour difference . So let me add more .

Soumya - as for black mail , if sh*t was to happen to some one it would happen in 100 ways . A guy who has a sweet kissy kissy - hand holding , hug only sort of relationship can black mail a girl on the basis of these photos too !!!

As for your being unable to ask your married friend who is unhappy in her marriage . Fortunately , me and my closets girl friends are very open about discussion on sex and we have never hesitated in sharing experiences and stuff  . Like i said , you have to experince this to be able to speak about what a woman feels . Other than that you can only make guesses . Unless you've been there ...done that you can not know what it feels like to be there and do that . You can just try .....just try and think what would i feel . But you don't what it feels like !!


Debators - Soumya , Anu , others i am not arguing , debating any more ( at least for 1 week ) as one member, my dearest friend just called me argumentative and stubborn while debating !!!!!Cry My feelings are hurt !!

Also , in this debate - i am alone in the other side of the fence while others are on one side of the fence !!!!!Cry


Edited by Aparna_BD - 30 January 2006 at 1:47pm

Rindam

Senior Member

Rindam

Joined: 24 October 2005

Posts: 821

Posted: 30 January 2006 at 2:07pm | IP Logged

Originally posted by Aparna_BD

Rindam - Anu if you( a person i mean) aren't happy with your current marriage and you have tried hard to work on it . Well then thats a wake up call for you . You have a better chance of getting happines elsewhere .

As for telling your spouse about your past relationship , if you he/ she is NOT ready to handle your past . He/ she should not be confided in !!

Yes even for those women who lost their virginity to their boyfriend , it was lot more than just sex for them at that point of time .That doesn't mean after a break up they are unable to move on in their life and accept a perfectly happy relationship !!

All of my thoughts are based on hypothetical people but based on my feelings as to how I would react if I were in them.

I imagine that one need not necessarily be happy with a person in marraige and yet want to be with them for various reasons, could be little things, insignificant things that dont matter in the long run or the bigger picture but they do make a difference. Most of us are not so mature and objective in marraige. And some not secure enough to walk out and leave. Sometimes it gets confusing, many people dont know what they want unless they see what they dont want?

Man or woman, when one actually gets intimate with somebody within marraige or outside even if it was a casual fling or a one night stand I think they make a bond, they make this person a part of their life. Dynamics of the relationship may have changed but that doesnt make it go away. It doesnt especially if you end up making a baby.

Your second point about not confiding in your spouse. I personally would not do this. I would tell him especially about something this important and even if that is going to bring me a ton of troubles I will confront them. I couldnt live in a fear or suspense that oh he might find out from someone else. Because I feel if it happened that I found out from someone else that my husband had someone before in his life that he never told me about,  I would be pretty deeply hurt- which brings me think the same for him. And also I will always have this at the back of my head, that i havent told him something. Because of a jealous or annoying spouse will keeping such a big secret just to make your life easier is not a choice for me.

I am not implying that at there was no greater meaning to the relationship when they made love, I wouldnt ever say that or think that. Neither did I imply/say that they must not or cannot move on after. 

All I am saying it is a risky proposition, if you are willing to risk it then great.

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