Loosing Virginity Before Marriage-DOTW - Page 4

Soumya , i think you wrote just a paragraph on top,right ?? We should change colours while quoting . 😆 Otherwise its confusing. 😳

Soumya , just because Society frowns on it does not make it wrong !!!! In Saudi Arabia it is iilegal for a woman to walk without a maharam and not wear a nikab ( the full burqa unlike the Hijab . )She is brain washed as a child that "even a stray strand of hair can get a man to stop in his tracks ." So it is immoral and illegal and her responsibility to always wear a nikab outside the home .So a regualar woman belives in the nikab and will justify it . If she leaves home without her maharam and her nikab she will feel guilty of provoking a man's sexulaity !!!!

Do you honestly think boy and girl, Man - woman hanging out(platonically - No sex) is wrong ??
If yes , then we are not on the same page and this discussion is not relevant .
If No , then why still even in conservative towns a girl will get thrashed if her parents catch her casually talking to a boy . The Society will gossip about her and ruin her relationship and probably she may not even get rishtas.
.There was a sad and horrific incident a few months back of a man in Pakistan that even killed his daughters (honor killing ) out of suspicion !! Then there was the police woman in Meerut that thrashed a couple in the park !! For what ????????????????????? You are not even allowed to platonically date a man ?????? Is that how Draconian we are ??

😡

p.s - the angry face is for that Meerut Police Woman not you .!! 😊

Oh i read your words again and did find the colour difference . So let me add more .

Soumya - as for black mail , if sh*t was to happen to some one it would happen in 100 ways . A guy who has a sweet kissy kissy - hand holding , hug only sort of relationship can black mail a girl on the basis of these photos too !!!

As for your being unable to ask your married friend who is unhappy in her marriage . Fortunately , me and my closets girl friends are very open about discussion on sex and we have never hesitated in sharing experiences and stuff  . Like i said , you have to experince this to be able to speak about what a woman feels . Other than that you can only make guesses . Unless you've been there ...done that you can not know what it feels like to be there and do that . You can just try .....just try and think what would i feel . But you don't what it feels like !!


Debators - Soumya , Anu , others i am not arguing , debating any more ( at least for 1 week ) as one member, my dearest friend just called me argumentative and stubborn while debating !!!!!😭 My feelings are hurt !!

Also , in this debate - i am alone in the other side of the fence while others are on one side of the fence !!!!!😭
Edited by Aparna_BD - 18 years ago

Originally posted by: Aparna_BD

Rindam - Anu if you( a person i mean) aren't happy with your current marriage and you have tried hard to work on it . Well then thats a wake up call for you . You have a better chance of getting happines elsewhere .

As for telling your spouse about your past relationship , if you he/ she is NOT ready to handle your past . He/ she should not be confided in !!

Yes even for those women who lost their virginity to their boyfriend , it was lot more than just sex for them at that point of time .That doesn't mean after a break up they are unable to move on in their life and accept a perfectly happy relationship !!

All of my thoughts are based on hypothetical people but based on my feelings as to how I would react if I were in them.

I imagine that one need not necessarily be happy with a person in marraige and yet want to be with them for various reasons, could be little things, insignificant things that dont matter in the long run or the bigger picture but they do make a difference. Most of us are not so mature and objective in marraige. And some not secure enough to walk out and leave. Sometimes it gets confusing, many people dont know what they want unless they see what they dont want?

Man or woman, when one actually gets intimate with somebody within marraige or outside even if it was a casual fling or a one night stand I think they make a bond, they make this person a part of their life. Dynamics of the relationship may have changed but that doesnt make it go away. It doesnt especially if you end up making a baby.

Your second point about not confiding in your spouse. I personally would not do this. I would tell him especially about something this important and even if that is going to bring me a ton of troubles I will confront them. I couldnt live in a fear or suspense that oh he might find out from someone else. Because I feel if it happened that I found out from someone else that my husband had someone before in his life that he never told me about,  I would be pretty deeply hurt- which brings me think the same for him. And also I will always have this at the back of my head, that i havent told him something. Because of a jealous or annoying spouse will keeping such a big secret just to make your life easier is not a choice for me.

I am not implying that at there was no greater meaning to the relationship when they made love, I wouldnt ever say that or think that. Neither did I imply/say that they must not or cannot move on after. 

All I am saying it is a risky proposition, if you are willing to risk it then great.

Originally posted by: Aparna_BD

Soumya , i think you wrote just a paragraph on top,right ?? We should change colours while quoting . 😆 Otherwise its confusing. 😳

Soumya , just because Society frowns on it does not make it wrong !!!! In Saudi Arabia it is iilegal for a woman to walk without a maharam and not wear a nikab ( the full burqa unlike the Hijab . )She is brain washed as a child that "even a stray strand of hair can get a man to stop in his tracks ." So it is immoral and illegal and her responsibility to always wear a nikab outside the home .So a regualar woman belives in the nikab and will justify it . If she leaves home without her maharam and her nikab she will feel guilty of provoking a man's sexulaity !!!!

Do you honestly think boy and girl, Man - woman hanging out(platonically - No sex) is wrong ??
If yes , then we are not on the same page and this discussion is not relevant .
If No , then why still even in conservative towns a girl will get thrashed if her parents catch her casually talking to a boy . The Society will gossip about her and ruin her relationship and probably she may not even get rishtas.
.There was a sad and horrific incident a few months back of a man in Pakistan that even killed his daughters (honor killing ) out of suspicion !! Then there was the police woman in Meerut that thrashed a couple in the park !! For what ????????????????????? You are not even allowed to platonically date a man ?????? Is that how Draconian we are ??

😡

p.s - the angry face is for that Meerut Police Woman not you .!! 😊

Oh i read your words again and did find the colour difference . So let me add more .

Soumya - as for black mail , if sh*t was to happen to some one it would happen in 100 ways . A guy who has a sweet kissy kissy - hand holding , hug only sort of relationship can black mail a girl on the basis of these photos too !!!

As for your being unable to ask your married friend who is unhappy in her marriage . Fortunately , me and my closets girl friends are very open about discussion on sex and we have never hesitated in sharing experiences and stuff  . Like i said , you have to experince this to be able to speak about what a woman feels . Other than that you can only make guesses . Unless you've been there ...done that you can not know what it feels like to be there and do that . You can just try .....just try and think what would i feel . But you don't what it feels like !!


Debators - Soumya , Anu , others i am not arguing , debating any more ( at least for 1 week ) as one member, my dearest friend just called me argumentative and stubborn while debating !!!!!😭 My feelings are hurt !!

Also , in this debate - i am alone in the other side of the fence while others are on one side of the fence !!!!!😭

iam with u😃

I am not against or for sex before marriage, but I am against telling people that my beliefs about sex are what they must live their life by and by that thinking, I am against others telling me what is right for me.

What if I were to tell you that I was a virgin until I married my husband... would my opinion count more?

Or what if I told you that I was not a virgin, but because I had such horrible experiences, guilt and shame about what I had done and was advocating for others to walk a different path than I had taken to save them from my own personal struggles, would that count more?

Or what if I told you that I was not a virgin, and in fact had many lovers before I was married and felt it allowed me to become a more well rounded person with more to offer my partner emotionally as well as sexually, would my opinion count more?

Personally, the opinion I think counts the most is your own! The most important thing you can ever do for yourself is trust your own judgment.

The bottom line is you cannot tell until you have experieced it yourself. I refuse to except that past relation leave a women emotionally crippled .Because I know this from my freinds who were in relationships before marrige. They get past it , and mature enough to handle everything.I mean why is it admirable to abstain?? because the majority don't??
If two people are truly in love, then sex is an expression of that love and is a wonderful thing between the two people. Although sexual pleasure is prominent, it is not necessarily the drive or motiv ation; the love between the two people is.
But surely people don't need to be married in order to love each other. This of course is totally true - marriage is a step made by two people BECAUSE they are in love, not so that they fall in love. Therefore, if two people are in love, they needn't wait for marriage in order to have sex.

again
if sex doesn't mean that much to everyone in this world ;then why do they have sex just after getting Married???

Aparna and Dolly I agree completely with what you have said. 👍🏼 Aparna .. wrt this deabate or any other- have never seen you as stubborn or headstrong abt your views. Its indeed remarkable to see passion and strength of conviction put eloquently.

On the topic, my views.. well you guys have said it all.
I disagree that it is difficult to overcome previous relationships. We as humans are an extremely reselient species. We survive deaths of loved ones, fallouts with parents and families, estrangement , betrayal - a 2 year relationship is not insurmountable. And someone who keeps thinking of a previous relationship has obvious problems with his/her partner. Such people are no less immune to extra marital affairs. So believe me EXs are not the biggest problem in such cases.

Talking of Abortions and suicides, we are talking of acceptablility of this concept by society. If this were no longer a taboo why would someone feel any sense of shame. For that matter why should anyone feel any sense of shame in expressing such a natural desire.

Rindam to quote you from the lesbian marriages debate -
"Honestly, when one is genetically predisposed to having such feelings one cannot stop them and shouldnt. "
while the above was in the context of homosexual feelings, doesnt the same apply to someone who wants to lead a single life?

Finally, I do not advocate sexual relationships amongst minors. All I say that is if an adult mature enough to make his choices wants to express his natural desires we as society owe him the tolerance to let him lead his life. Edited by mist - 18 years ago

There are some excellent points by both sides-
Rindam , Soumya , Sam_84

and now Dolly and Mist .Hope to see more particpation !!

I'd like to make this D*O*T*W !! 😊

Aparna, What happened hun, Im so confused. 😕 Whatever happened please dont cry huni. I think you are doing such a good job.

Anyways, for the purposes of this debate.
Like I said in my question answer session last week to Aparna
Q: Premarital sex (for or against) rapid fire question-
A:None of my business- whoever, whenever and wherever, I dont care

So all my above views are for myself only and at this stage in my relationship how I would feel. I'm old enough to understand at 27 but not old enough to be understanding enough. Possibly time will teach me to accept.

Anything I believe sex is a very personal decision, if one wants to take their relationship to that stage its their choice. I myself wasn't ready to risk it.


Mist, I didnt understand the analogy or the context, are you saying one could be genetically predisposed to wanting to lead a single life? I dont know, maybe, never thought about it.

OMG congo 2 this topic 4 its propmotion to dotw

Originally posted by: Rindam

Anything I believe sex is a very personal decision, if one wants to take their relationship to that stage its their choice. I myself wasn't ready to risk it.
-- You are right- It is a very personal decision. But you get judged for such decisions and can become a social outcast. Let me put it this way..understanding that this is not personally a choice for you would you accept a girl in your family say as a sister in law knowing she was not a virgin?

Mist, I didnt understand the analogy or the context, are you saying one could be genetically predisposed to wanting to lead a single life? I dont know, maybe, never thought about it.

Guess I didnt justify it too much. 😃 My stress was on what you describe as 'feelings one cannot stop them and shouldnt' Basically not repressing sexual urges. If we can grant this acceptability and understanding to homo sexuality - why not to pre marital sex?

 

 

Edited by mist - 18 years ago

Originally posted by: mist