Posted: 28 September 2011 at 3:19pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by tinoo
Originally posted by parri814
So to come full circle, my take on this is LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. Evolving, improving changing for the better will keep your love alive on the giving and receiving end. we constantly need to reinvent ourselves to remain interesting without losing our essence of being the good soul that your partner initially fell in love with.
Hi Parri, loved your post, very thoughtful and well written
. I particularly love your last paragraph -- I think this is great!!!
To take this point further and expand on the discussion - the question I have is - where is the line between re-inventing oneself and losing one's own identity to please someone by dressing differently/doing something differently?
For instance, anandi did not like those western clothes at all - the short skirts etc. It's not like she took to them like a fish to water. It's something that made her very uncomfortable.
Thank you and very good point and question Tinoo.
Its a very fine line between changing for improvement of oneself and changing to please someone else.
Change is not limited to outward appearance or worldly knowledge. Change should be reflected positively in conduct. Agreeing to eveything a partner says and not challenging situations, statements and conduct (behavior) is damaging to a relationship. You are not being honest with yourself or your partner. Approach is also very important when being honest. Relationships need 'out of the box' thinking, not just taking situations literally and reacting on that.
Let's take the example of the western outfit that Anandi shunned. Yes she was obviously uncomfortable, and very honest with how she felt about it but her approach was all wrong. She could have looked at that situation as an indication that I need not be a conventional Rajastani beendni because my husband obviously likes a more liberal version. So let's think of how she could have defined more modern/liberal within her comfort zone. She could have thought ok, maybe i will wear less caky make-up, or get rid of the gaghra and wear salwar suit, or sari, or maybe continue my studies, learn english and be fluent in what's available outside of Jetsar. This new definition and new found sense of freedom from knowledge would boost her own self worth.
In my opinion Anandi, blurred these lines because she lived/s totally for Jagya. Even when she decided to take up studying again, she did so to meet up to Jagya's standards of what a doctor's wife should be but it was an effort that came too late.
We all need motivation and inspiration to change and improve in life. Anandi's motivation was pleasing Jagya. The thing to remember here is that there is no guarantee that the thing or person who is the motivator has to reciprocate in kind. If there is no reciprocation then there should be no disappointment because you chose the motivator. If the inspiration does respond positively then it is sone pe suhaaga.
Therefore I think it would have been in Anandi's best interest to change for her own self worth. any positiveness that came from that change within her marriage would have been a nice bonus.
Even if she did not reinvent herslf she could have at least challenged Jagya every time he called her gawar or ridiculed her. She could have kept the fire alive by being a little non compliant. Who wants a 'yes man' all the time. Look at Gauri, she has her career, she has her friends and she is not afraid to say, 'Jagat you get my laundry". With Anandi, Jagya is her career, her friend, and she is his maid. She did not retain an identity of her own within her marriage therefore she is so devastated and traumatised.
I am really finding it hard to reconcile the samaj seva Anandi with jagya's anandi, simply because we cannot compartmentalise ourselves so completely that we appear as split personalities. She needs to have some self actualisation and honestly ask herslef what does she want from life. If samaj seva is just a distraction, then it makes sense. if it is her true calling then any speeches from her sound hollow and lack credence because of the way she has conducted her own personal life.
Sooo. In an effort to attempt to lend clarity between 'that fine line', I think motivation/inspiration to reinvent oneself should come from within and not from an external source. I am constantly told by all my daughter's medical teams that i need to take care of myself first so that i am fit enough to take care of her. In a flight the emergency instructions are to first put the oxygen on yourself and then help your child and others. The reasoning is not selfish but rather the opposite. Of what use will you be to your child if you are lying in a heap from lack of oxygen?
Similarly, Anandi, needs to realise that helping herself first by taking care of her emtional, spiritual and physical needs, will indirectly help the emotional and spiritual health of her marriage and in turn her family. If it still has an adverse affect on her marriage, i.e. jagya's deceit, then it is not her loss but rather his.
Edited by parri814 - 28 September 2011 at 3:22pm