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STORY CONTEST - 5 (RESULTS ON PAGE 26) (Page 3)

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astonish

IF-Sizzlerz

astonish

Joined: 24 January 2010

Posts: 12918

Posted: 02 October 2011 at 11:26pm | IP Logged

CID aur Nanhe Detectives

Wow….It was a real roller coaster ride…. Initially the things were slow…but slowly slowly you caught speed. Actually narrating a scene full of action and no dialogs is very very tough and you did it with complete perfection.Clap

So starting from the beginning… what a start….. Continuation of  AKA….Big smile Nice…. So you are trying to correct the flaws of the other case too….LOL Good...it gave a nice shape to the story. Well I felt one thing while reading your story. You actually built the plot for a college and then turned it in to school because it was nanhe detective, in some places you mentioned college and also a career fair in school…Confused Well.. may be you didn't get time to recheck your story, as you missed removing a dialog where ACP sir says they should check out the college but then later they again say that SBC refers to the schoolConfused. Ho jaatha hai..no probs..Wink

I was trying hard to remember if Abhi sir saving Imran was showed in some case previously or was it your creationErmm. Well… I couldn't recollect any such instance so must be your creation onlyTongue. Correct me if I am wrong. Well… from the moment Abhi sir comes to the school….everything starts happening so fast…. It was awesome. I must say you made the villain cain really strong..not like HD… But you hurt Abhi sir and Daya sir Cry

Somethings were actually very easy to visualize in the story… like Daya sir talking to the kids and giving them the mobile which was in the same case.. Abhi sir wearing a mask.. do I have to say…it simply reminds us of Khoon ki holiTongue. Bringing black cat commandoes which made the hostage thing little real… The nanhe detectives were actually good detectives… 

So overall you kept the main plot and motive the same, but changed things from CID side. Gave a new twist to Abhi sir's partWink… Daya sir no more doing Rajinikanth actsLOL… and nanhe detectives were actually detectives. But you also added speed to the case, lots of action… a little emotion Clap…. I am impressed by your knowledge of armsBig smile Did I forget what Sachin and Kaajal were doing…or were they not present ???Ermm hehe… anyways…doesn't matter.Tongue

This case actually turned out to be Abhijeet aur nanhe detective Tongue as most of the time Abhi sir was in action. The original case had a few flaws too…. Which were removed … great job on that…. I somehow had felt that though the plot was good…. When done by FW originally the soul of the case was missing… I mean…everyone was just doing their work like… some kolu ka bail…. UnhappyThe director orderd.. so we are doing….but the way you narrated the case it doesn't look like that… its looks full action packed…Clap so… you have already won over FWClap. This case is much better picturized… scripted and directed than the original case Clap

 

Bhutiya Ladki Ka raaz

The case chosen was not really a bad plot by FW.. yeah some telepathy and twin sister stuff was present but then it was much better than the plastic surgery ideaLOL. The direction and distribution was also good… Though not one of the bestest cases it was actually an average case.

Your case started of immediately like our very own FW cases… bureau gets a call Smile not of a bhoot but a murder…afterall CID members are not ghost busters LOL   I like that…. You skipped the feeling of watching AahatLOL. Abhi sir and daya sir's investigation on running was good….but you know what… I remember them finding out difference between running and walking person in some case before…Ermmnot by trying it themselves but just by analysis. The concept there was that in the mud the shoes or the chappal were actually much deeper… and they are deeper when someone runs.. and not when he/she walks….I was wondering if the same concept was used here… but may be there wasn't any mud under… may be it was tiles with chappal prints on it…so.. your investigation was fun to read.. actually was imagining how would ACP's reaction have been looking at duo… LOL Sachin part was a highlight…It was fun to read and imagine… these days I can visualizes his expression very well… thanks to his recent heartbreak …. LOL it also reminded me of the case where Sachin fell asleep and Daya  sir scolded him Wink

Dr salunkhe's gyan session… Lovely…Clap I love it when Dr Salunkhe provides some real time gyan…. Not shooting the electrons onesConfused…Gyan is good when it is easy to understand and also enjoyable…..mostly when it is something very basic…which we learn in school… and which we wouldn't have then concentrated much on it……that it could help us in so many ways …Big smile

From the gyan, they quickly find the projector and then the people printing question papers… then from there to the final criminal..sunil.. well..things went on very fast here… one after other with not much investigation needed.Smile

So… comparing to the original case…no telepathy and judwaa factor…LOL a science created ghost…..thats very nice…  no murder for money…  a little hatke concept of selling papers….good job there… no funny duo dialogsUnhappy but…. the kids play duo were playing at the college was good Tongue also above that some extra gyan at the endClap. I liked the way you gave a twist at the end about the coaching classes … didn't expect it at all….Clapbut then sachin getting a doubt that the badge was taken by Sunil actually made me get a doubt that this guy might be involved in this…..Unhappy I felt the case was a little small …  got over quickly…Unhappy or was it I was very much caught into it…..but things were continuously happening and I must say this case was much much better than the original case…you won over something which had already put behind quiet a few…Clap

  

Maut ka aashirwaad

Well truly speaking I have heard a lot about this case Tongue but had actually missed watching it on the day it was aired… so I watched this like 4-5 months back on youtube to understand why was everyone so disgusted with this case. Well from the plot perspective the case seems to be one of the recent ordinary and a little tough to imagine kind of stuff….but lets think that "ladki ka baadluck sach mein kharaab tha" LOL

So truly speaking you have kept the plot same..atleast from the criminal side… and then kaajal was introduced in the beginning. I like the way you clearly mentioned in the case that it was really getting tough to find out how the murder happened… instead of Dr Salunkhe hiding himself stints in the forensic lab. I am not really an appreciator of Abhi sir and Tji flirting… but it was okie. You also made it believable that kaajal's brother was studying forensic and  Kaajal already knows it unlike the original where he is going to give her a surprise …!!!Confused You seem to have corrected and reformed every particular flaw in the case.  

Well there was some scope to change the plot too but it was your choice ...all I can say is this is a better or may be corrected or updated version Maut ka Aashirwaad and if the case was shot the way you have scripted I would say we wouldn't have actually had so many disaster cases to choose for this story contest. Good job.Clap

 

 

Bhagdhar mein maut ka raaz

Another story with gyan…..Big smile Well… the original story was about a death with some poison and motive being school mein copy karne ka ilzaam…Dead I know how lame reason it is to murder someone. So.. you actually picked a nice case and fitted your gyan well into it.Clap

Initially the team gets a call about bomb and arrives with bomb squad and stuff…that was a great part…. I loved it Clap…..But by the end of the case when I came to know that the bomb was just a message to CID to search the whole building.. I was a little depressed… Unhappyyou could have anyways said that the team got an anonymous call that there is a dead body there…. Even in this case the team would search the whole building… anyways… I enjoyed reading the bomb part… so..your efforts of writing that part did not go waste as CID and bomb Smile we love it you see. But you know what now I feel even you were a still on thinking terms as to how to make the bhagdad and relate bomb to it when it was a normal khooni story… yeh confusion mein you missed a small point...you said that CID got the call that there is a bomb in the theatre i.e. the lift operators friend called from outside to CID… phir theatre mein bhagdad kaise mach gaya…Confused.tell me if I missed something in between.

The info on lead and paints in the forensic lab and also in the extra gyan section was commendableClap. I know how much effort it takes to pick some gyan...collate and make it into a case… your writing style is a little different from what actually has been the FW style but its ones own choice so I cant actually comment on that or take it in a negative way. Duo putting cell phones out and getting into the room with high lead content and getting trapped… a little tough to the imagine…and ofcourse we have duo together and Daya known for breaking doors didn't break this time was surprising….ConfusedThe last part was too very emotional. Thoda sa kam hotha toh better hotha. And yeah….. I liked the liftman's role. Smile

Well … The original case wasn't actually that bad only the motive was a dampener but… yahaan motive was betterClap. Your story was good in its own way… and if this was the motive and concept of the original case then I am sure it would have been much much better than what it actually was. Anyways….you did a great job.Clap

 

 

Khatra chemical bomb ka

So you have picked a case which everyone loved to watch and remade it in your own way… Well you have kept some parts of it same… but you changed the whole reason for this case. First of all I must say you are really good at creating puzzlesClap. Loved the poem for Mahalaxmi mandir and also the map for the airport to passport office.  I know how tough it is to write something and match it to the plot… ask me.. Big smile Well…if I am not wrong the clues connection was that… the 1st two clues..the map and the anagram were one location….while the poem and photo were the second one.. right. Correct me if I am wrong.

Now coming to the bomb part of the case… Thanks for the Info on White phosphorus… Just read on wiki about it after reading the story… didn't know there was something like that too… which was actually used in so many wars and also could kill people through burning them.  Great research ClapYou kept the time clicking to keep it happening and build suspense .. good job there SmileWell.. you could have actually skipped that dialog by the criminal to Kaajal…. That actually broke the suspense and made the CID team look a little dumb.Unhappy

Truly speaking making a good case even more good is a little tough as the good scenes get registered in our minds and we love them so much that our mind is not ready to think about any change in it. … But you changed the plot and gave it a new look ….. which is also as  energetic and intriguing as the original one…. And ofcourse you gave the last bomb to Abhi sir which we always love to watch.Tongue Good Job.Clap

 

Daya Ke Dulhan Ka Raaz

I have already written in the contest thread…. how intriguing the story was …. that I nearly missed my bus stop while reading it. LOL Great work. You corrected the stupid part of the shaadhi ka plan for month's together ……. Ansha being a part of the villain side from when "God only knows"…….his uncle not recognizing his own niece… and all that asambhav stuff LOL ( a word provided by CID itself Wink ). But ….But…. You took the positive parts of Dulhan ka raaz and all the negative points were replaced with scenes inspired from deadly betrayal. In the initial stages I felt only the dialogs were a little inclined towards the deadly betrayal but then when I came to the climax was also inspired from deadly betrayal and we had to visualize Daya sir in pain Cry  Yeah… I know we can't just get Daya sir married… and we didn't want Ansha to be an undercover cop from "god only knows" when… so...this was the only option left so I wouldn't actually consider it as a negative point afterall… we loved deadly betrayal..i mean… we hated sonali for the betrayal but we liked the case.. I mean… we were sad… but still we enjoyed.. I hope you understand what I am trying to tell.. Okie enough of deadly betrayal.LOL

Well… As an overall case…. It was a good.. imaginable... and a sensible one.  Well.. I got a little confused as to who shot whom and suddenly how did Abhi sir get injuredConfused … but then.. I think.. it was the bracket part where you said that they heard a bullet shot..so that might have been the one which hit abhi sir… Another point, you didn't make it clear that who was the person who actually killed ravalish …Ansha, Rizwain or rameshConfused??? And actually the nariyal waala saw only one person with ravalish then how come they became two as per Dr salunkhe Confused?? Do let me know if I missed something…..

When Abhi sir finds that blue heart and comes back to the bureau I was wondering if there is gonna be a painful fight between the duo accusing Ansha, but somehow you actually made Abhi sir support herSmile. But a catch here... If you would have made Abhi sir doubt or accuse Ansha (which actually should be done by an officer) then the case wouldn't have progressed as they would just follow Ansha take out her background...come to know about Ishika….. and then "The end"… Smile So even this cannot be a negative point that is how it had to be. LOL

Overall the case was really enjoyable and a totally sambhav case Smile This is much much much better than the original one… so you have already put someone behind Clap

 

Daya Ek Qatil

So… starting with the original FW case…. It was a case totally gone wrong…they wanted to catch some attention of the viewers showing that Daya sir is trapped… but Daya sir is trapped in such a stupid motive… and I still wonder why was he trapped and gun in the cake was really foolishDead. So… Good choice. Clap You actually did a good job.. Nice planning… Daya sir actually shot someone and that someone actually died… I mean jayanth or aakash… whatever you call him. No nakli bullets… no drama… nothing…yet daya sir was saved at the end as you proved him to be a criminal. Wonderful.Clap

The case actually started of very well… all the time I kept wondering… how will you prove daya sir innocent…Smile The part where ACP sir talks about another case… I wish you had given a little info as to what the case was.. He just keeps saying that they got a lead and then says he found bombs.. a little elaboration on that would actually make it easy to understand.. actually this part I understood after  I read the whole case.

Daya sir in Chennai… Big smile The way abhi sir asks daya sir about Chennai I was afraid of another mamata foundation LOL but then… it was a mission…. Good… Dr salunkhe's part was tough to understand… correct me if I am wrong……. was it that Dr Salunkhe was asked to prove that akaash killed jayanth… by testing the fingerprints on clothes and chain…. ???Confused I was a little confused here….

Well… after sometime…..slowly you started rushing your story and the ending was even more rushy… may be lack of time…  Anyways...the overall plot was awesome…better than the original FW case… So you already won over someone ….. Good job.Clap

 

Manav Bomb

Good one…but why do I feel that you were in a hurry to complete the case or may be you didn't get enough time to write the caseErmm. A few points here and there where left unexplained like when the bombs were human bombs then how did people around survive to say who was carrying the real bomb in all the three cases.  Dr Salunkhe's part was a nice twistSmile but then how come sachin say that there is no record of Dr chathuvedhi while Dr chaturvedi was very much aliveConfused. The investigation part of Abhay was good.Clap

The scene at the college was also a little hurried because as soon as they say that Dr salunkhe's mobile is switched off ACP concludes that Dr Salunkhe is kidnapped. Actually when Sachin says Dr Salunkhe's mobile is switched off I thought Dr salunkhe was actually hiding from CID as they had seen him talking to Dr chaturvedi.

When you brought in the sad side of Dr chaturvedi like his family and stuff I thought may be this guy has gone mad and is taking revenge on people and stuff... well you did put that point and I wish you had stopped it there because he working for someone else actually made his family problem secondary. The blast scene actually reminded me of AC series blast.. Shockedyou know na …aaj kal CID mein blast bole toh hi dar lagtha hai… but you mentioned clearly how they escaped.  and there was no magic or reincarnation … hehe…LOL

Well…. Your story has a very strange ending. The villain dies without confessing or even telling the reason as to why all this was doneConfused…Comparing to the original case you removed the hard to believe parts like operating in a van putting a chip inside and also a bomb… and also removed the yucky scenes but then I wish the motive was a little strong. Great try.Clap

 

Dhoom Bus Hijack

I don't wanna pick mistakes in my story Tongue

 


Ganesh Utsav Special

It was a recent case and I remember not watching it and also remember Shreya 's comment in the WU calling the case as the case of the clichd family LOL

So… the case is based on a drug racket and the criminals using Ganesh idols to transport the drugs… Now the plus point here compared to the original case is that the story 100% sticks to the name of the case and the case looks like a genuine one and not committing a murder because someone sneezed or coughed. LOL

The case is short and clear… In the beginning the license plate being a stolen one… chasis number being scratched off was good… Coming to Dr Salunkhe's point… Well… the forensic scene was good… but bechaari Tji ko hospital bhej diya Tongue didn't wanna add the FW obvious flirting scene WinkNo probs… well… I just wanted to know if this toxic chemical paint being wet causing problem…did you pick this from some source?? Or was it just your creation??  People here now a days are doing lots of research at write stories… Wink so..Thought of asking Big smile !!!

Rocky… Kya naam use kiya hai.. Yeh naam sunthe hi… achaanak se ek poora episode fast forward mein dimaag mein run ho jaatha hai LOL But thanks… this time no one landed on a hospital bed Big smile Then… suddenly another name Gani Bhai … You wrote Wanted in the brackets.. and I was like..wanted movie or wanted CID special .. hehe ..ErmmSo finally the team catches ACP Randhir and Gani Bhai.. And you gave a chance to Vivek to slap the criminal ... SmileEveryone taking slapping tuitions from daya sir these days… LOL I wonder why you made ACP sir Mr. IndiaUnhappy… but thanks for the Mr. India act of you know who.Wink

To put it in simple terms… Without going OTT, it is a pure investigation case sans drama or melodrama or any kind of confusion…  A clean simple perfect case which FW couldn't write. From your story I can imagine how the case would actually have been.. Abhi sir meeting the khabari…. Daya sir checking the burnt car…(though the standard FW formula of separating duo happens here)……then Duo catching rocky……. going to the sea side warehouse(sea side would give us some nice flying hair caps of duo)…. Catching the real criminal at the end... without any Rajinikanth stunts At any point of time I can say this Ganesh Utsav special would have been 100% enjoyable than the original. Clap

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Bhavanab

Coolbie

Bhavanab

Joined: 31 March 2009

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Posted: 02 October 2011 at 11:42pm | IP Logged
Dhoom Bus Hijack was yours ????? Shocked ... OMG !!!! Now this has come as the biggest surprise ... I was confused between you and Sunny thinking who wrote Dhoom Bus Hijack !!! That doubts cleared and I'm pleasantly surprised !!! Astonish you seriously need to contact FW !!! I must say ... main aapke kaam ki fan ho chuki hoon Tongue ... kya likha hai yaar !!!

I must apppreciate you specially astonish !!! I've seen the maximum development as a writer and improvement in you ... first story se leke ab tak ... the way you've progressed is highly commendable !! If you've written this in a hurried state ... then aaraam se likhoge toh na jaane aur kitna accha aatha !! With this contest you've got a new fan !!



I know I should've said this in my review ... but rok nahi paayi !!! Waise toh open reevies mein apna story result tak bathate nahi ... atleast I find it odd to Tongue ...

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astonish

IF-Sizzlerz

astonish

Joined: 24 January 2010

Posts: 12918

Posted: 03 October 2011 at 1:26am | IP Logged
Thank you bhavs... Smile i am honoured... Smile
I actually took maximum time in researching... After doing all the research when i was all set wirh the plot... I came across a link... Which i had mentioned that day maybe somewhere at night 9O clock...
Thought of adding the link at the end of my story... Then somehow dropped the idea...
This was that link
http://www.janlokpal.net/supporting-initiatives/truth-about-corruption-in-india

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Coolbie

gadhadada

Joined: 27 August 2010

Posts: 50559

Posted: 03 October 2011 at 1:28am | IP Logged
 ASTONISH... u really gave a MASTERPIECE to usStarStarStar...
i think aap ko FW ko CONTACT nahi karna chahyey... balkay UN ko khud aap say SAMPARG karna chahyey... its an HONOR for themClap to SCREEN that MASTERPIECEClap and we will see a MINDBLOWING PERFORMANCES of TRIO with all CO-CHARACTERThumbs Up... i must curious to whome they will give the ROLE of the HIJACKERWink... in our different INCHES flatrons...Big smile

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visrom

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visrom

Joined: 26 November 2009

Posts: 27492

Posted: 03 October 2011 at 2:42am | IP Logged
The reviews on prev page are mine...because I am posting anonymous reviews, people think they are someone else's. Confused I don't know if people have not read it or they don't like what I wrote...only 3 have hit like.

visrom

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visrom

Joined: 26 November 2009

Posts: 27492

Posted: 03 October 2011 at 3:38am | IP Logged
Disapprove

Moner_Radio

IF-Rockerz

Moner_Radio

Joined: 31 March 2011

Posts: 8865

Posted: 03 October 2011 at 4:24am | IP Logged
@ all :

          here i am, d writer of Maut Ka Aashirwad, ready to accept my share of rotten eggs & tomatoes. Cryas visrom said, yes, i made my story an 'episode rectifier' ..i mean, since dis is my 1st try at story writing, i thot dat ' y not remove d flaws of d actual epi ? ' . aur waise bhi, uss waqt dimaag mein kuch aur aa bhi nahi raha tha. i was afraid of messing up everything if i attempted to imply d title ' Maut Ka Ashirwaad' thru a different story !! par ab sochti hu ke agar waisa hi kiya hota to sahi rehta !! anywayz, aage se dyaan rahungi & i wont use anymore sms lingo while writing stories..i assure u of dat !!Smile

@ astonish : omg !! u wrote Bus Hijack Shocked??!! i thot dat it was written by visrom !! it was really really gud !! StarStarStarStarStarClap

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astonish

visrom

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visrom

Joined: 26 November 2009

Posts: 27492

Posted: 03 October 2011 at 4:28am | IP Logged
Another anonymous review.
 
 
First ClapClapClapClapClapClap for all the writers


Story # 1: "CID aur Nanhay Detectives", first a fall I love the way u show the bond between Abhijeet and Imaran... One Abhijeet centric story... bit filmy... but I love how u explains the action seen its impact full... well written... but some part I got confused... Story is bit lengthy... and connection with AKAKR... there is a time gap between these two episodes aired...

Story # 2: "Bhutiya Larki Ka Raaz", well written... all parts are clear when I am reading the story... Sachin part is also good... good explanation from Salunke... this reminds me old golden days... totally new idea...but I felt less amount of detection and attachment to main story is not there except the title...


Story # 3: "Maut Ka Aashirwaad", it's the same as original just a change in some point makes story better that original one... SMS lingo is understandable for me but it may create problem for others...


Story # 4: "Bhagdad Mein Hui Maut Ka Raaz", well written... Good amount of research involved...I personally like the plot and entire story... Gr8 job……. But I think this kind of thing we cannot expect from FW……


Story # 5: "Khatra Chemical Bomb Ka" gr8 written, the way of bomb detection team distribution... just too good


Story # 6: "Daya Ki Dulhan Ka Raaz", a well written story, but a rushy once... writer change the usual plot that says... yeh sab hume pata tha... or yeh humara ek plan tha... also the way Daya trust on Abhijeet it's so good...


Story # 7: " Daya Ek Qatil", Nice return plot... well turn to original plot... the last bomb scene is fab... but the justification for proving Daya is not a killer is unsatisfactory... although the person Daya shot is culprit but then too its shown on all channels that Daya shot him with his mistake...


Story # 8: "Manav Bomb", Dr. Salunke centric story…… just a bit confused y culprit attach bomb on Shirt if he wants to make a Manav Bomb it in the human body….. Anyways story is good…. Well written…. But ending is quite dramatic….

Story # 9: "Bus Highjack", wow really a nice story... I like all the parts of the story except the part at the end... when Abhijeet said that we leave the culprit and ACP agree with it... as per me ACP never support such action and Abhijeet never do it... Although culprit's motive is good... but the way he did the action is not right...


Story # 10: "Ganesh Utsav", nicely written no confusion…… Gani bhai concept is good…. Lots of action….. and the concept of drugs supply in ganesh murti is totally new…. Gr8 job

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